Muslim marriage ads. does it work?

I happen to read a marriage ad by this Muslim guy who is looking for a wife and then it dawned upon me the dilemma faced by these self-arranged marriages. No criticism towards that one guy cause this is a predominant issue faced by many men and women who want to find a husband or wife the 'right' way or in a Shariah compliant way.

The ad says 'looking for...a particular look height, race' etc...but the thing is don't you want to marry someone that you actually fall in love with? It is as though people have this image created in their minds about this "perfect" person who must look a certain way e.g. fair, tall, slim and then they have to be "practising" err...whatever that means and they have to fit into this particular race or perhaps even a particular family or from a particular village? (Bear with me I will explain what I mean by falling in love) Anyway, if one is lucky enough to find that person then what do you do? Do you just suddenly fall in love with them? Is it like they fit into all these criteria of check list and now, I am going to fall in love with this person. When do you get to know them, their likes, dislikes, personality, what makes them happy, what makes them sad, what makes them stress out, what do they do when they are stressed out? When do you know that you like them as a person? that you want to spend your entire life with them? that you can accept all of their weaknesses and flaws and all their bad habits? Accepting people's good points is not so much of a problem but accepting their bad points, is very important when you want to share a life with someone.

Sometimes I think people live in a fantasy world and think that Islam is suddenly going to give them the "perfect" marriage. First and foremost no one is perfect and marriage is never going to be perfect. If we look Prophet Muhammad and Khadijah, neither of them were looking for a life partner rather Khadijah was looking for someone to work for her business, a sales person whereas Muhammad (peace be upon him) was looking for a job. However, through their interaction and his ability to negotiate, trustworthiness in handling her business, she fell in love with him. She fell in love with his personality, his character and great qualities.

I wonder when should that happen in an arranged marriage? even if you arrange it yourself. How do you get to know someone? I know my colleagues for example, their strengths, their weakness. I have seen them under stress. I have seen them when they are in a good and bad mood. I know who I enjoy working with. I am sure many people out there maybe fortunate enough to find their soul mate from their arrange marriages; those who get to know one another after marriage and actually find that they get along and fell in love but it is a bit of "hit and miss"; some may not be so fortunate and they find that post marriage, they don't actually like one another. I mean, they both maybe very nice people and we are not even going into mental, emotional or physical abuse here. We are simply talking about two nice, normal people who happen not to get along. So, what do you do? The thing is it did happen to Zayd (the Prophet's adopted son) and Zainab, remember? They didn't get along and the marriage ended in divorce.

I was fortunate enough to experience both types of marriages. My first marriage was self-arranged and even though I hardly knew my ex but I saw certain qualities in him that made me recognized the goodness in him, first of all I felt that God showed him the path to convert (and it was from his own initiative) and nothing to do with wanting to get married. To me, that was a good quality and I saw that he had sincerity and honesty. Whatever disagreement and personality clashes we had during the marriage that ended in divorce, I always remember the good qualities he has and I never regretted any of the decisions made i.e. to marry and then to divorce. As far as I am concerned, both decisions were valid. I am glad that we both moved on and have our own family. As for the kids they are old enough to keep in touch with their dad without my interference.

My second marriage is to my old time best friend whom we met as teenagers. The thing was we never intended to be more than friends, we simply enjoyed each other's company and when fate took us away from one another; we remained special in each other's heart despite not being in contact. A few years after my divorce and he contacted me; he was also going through a divorce, meeting him again he asked how do feel seeing him again and my answer was honest I said, "Just like before."

The person's looks, race and all these tick boxes are not real; cause in reality, the person you fall in love with normally do not fit into tick boxes. I hardly thought about what my now husband looked like when we were hanging out as friends. I just liked him as a person. I enjoyed the things we talked about, he was knowledgeable, fun, intelligent and I loved the way his eyes just light up whenever he saw me. It didn't bother me what he looked like, what colour were his eyes or the scars he had. When we became friends, everything else became superficial.

We need to make our lives real. There is nothing wrong to get to know people around us. Why do we teach our kids to grow up together and then at puberty, they can't even look at one another. Fatima and Ali grew up together, lived under the same roof and they got married. Why do we stop our kids from contacting one another through WhatsApp or Instagram and yet, at University or work they will still have to mix and joke with colleagues; and if they happen to fall in love with someone at work who is 'not practising' or not wearing the hijab then we tell them they can't marry that person; but they have to look for this tick box list that is so theoretical.

I don't know the answer but perhaps if we want to make this arrange marriage thing works, we have to be more open minded. Throw away the current tick box, forget about race or looks or whatever and have a tick box that says what are the qualities that you look for and more importantly what crap are you willing to put up with? Are you willing to put up with a wife who is jealous, or gets super emotional when she is on her period or is very opinionated or happens to hate cooking? Women are you willing to put up with a husband who loves or perhaps does not love football (if you are a football fan) or does not know how to change a tyre or have no idea how to comfort you when you feel down? Let's look at all the negative things, the imperfection that you are willing to put up with. Then, maybe it would be easier to find the "perfect" partner.

The love of my life

I can't find the words to describe how I truly feel. Have you ever watched "The Krull"? It is a fantasy story of a young love between a prince and princess fighting the demon called "the beast". The beast captured the princess and in order to rescue the princess, they needed to find "The glaive" (A magical weapon). Ynyr, an old man is willing to help the prince find this weapon which he knew was kept by an old witch, known as the "Widow". She lived in a spider web and no man has ever left her lair alive. As Ynyr attempted to get into her lair, a love story was unveiled. The widow was an enchantress who loved Ynyr a long time ago but fate betrayed their love and after their parting, she exiled herself to the lair of the crystal spider. Many many years had past since and even though they have both aged, with grey hair and wrinkles on their faces but the way he looked at her, he still saw her as the beautiful maiden he once loved.

I have always found that scene romantic but never truly understood what it meant until now. Now, every time I look at him and even though I notice the age on his face and grey strands in his hair, I still see the 18 year old boy I fell in love with so many years ago. I remember his smile every time he sees me and how his eyes would light up. He didn't have to say much but I knew the pain and sorrow he felt every time I had to leave. 

I met my husband 22 years ago when I was 17 and he was 18. We met at Subang Parade, not the most romantic vicinity but it was one of the best hang out places in the 1990s.

He still remembers the day we first met and we laugh at the knife scene. He was sitting at Grandy's which was situated at the ground floor of Subang Parade. He was wearing jeans, T-shirt and a cap with 'PRINCE' written on it. I was in my usual jeans, T-shirt and cap. I saw a friend called John sitting at Grandy's and came to talk to him. I asked him if he had seen a mutual friend called Neil. Next to John was his girlfriend, Sara and opposite him was this guy with the Prince cap I have not met before. The 'prince' guy asked me what is my name and I told him. I looked at him but I didn't smile. Subang Jaya was a small town and everyone knew everyone else. At the time, there was only one primary school which was Sek Ren Subang Jaya and one secondary school, Sek Men Subang Jaya. All the Subang kids knew of one another but he was not a Subang kid.
I asked him, "What is your name?"
He replied, "Why do you want to know my name?"
I answered "So that I can call you."
His said,"Why do you want to call me, you don't even have my number. "
His response startled me and I glared at him. I said, "Call you as in...you know 'hi'."

My first impression was I really didn't like this guy. He started making some sarcastic remarks and since I was actually waiting for my sister to arrive, I said, "Have you seen my sister?" With that question, he looked at me with a startled face, obviously NOT since he has never met my sister before. It was random question anyway. He said, "I am your sister, why don't you come and sit with us."

I moved to join them still holding a non-smiling and serious face. The only empty seat was next to "prince" so, I sat next to him. I noticed he was holding a butterfly knife and he was making stabbing movements on the table. I stared hard at him and he looked at me with his deep set eyes. We stared at each other and with a threatening look, he said, "Do you want me to put this in you?" At that moment, I was more annoyed than anything else, I glared at him and looked away pretending I didn't hear him and carried on chatting to John and Sara.

That was the beginning of our love story. That was how we became best friends, hanging out at Subang Parade and talking about life and the universe. I was waiting for my SPM results which was due to in a few weeks time. Everyday, we would meet at Subang Parade and hang out until dusk. It was our second home. We would visit the book shop and read the magazines, the music shop and listen to songs, we would even visit Yamaha for me to play the piano and for him to play the guitar. I used to teach him some songs on the piano and I could spend hours just listening to him strumming the guitar. We had friends who would hang out with us like Bob, Man, John, Boy, Neil and others. He taught me many things about life, history and politics. On the other hand, I was always philosophizing about life. We shared interest in music even though I was more into Depeche Mode, New Order etc...but he introduced me to Metallica, Faith No More etc...

I have loved him all of these years but fate took us away from one another. I guess I have always put my studies above everything else and my dream of studying abroad took me away from other things that mattered. Yet, all of these years of being apart, we were never truly apart. We were in each other's shadows. I used to dream of him often even though I would wake up and not really understanding why. In my conscious mind, I thought I wasn't thinking of him but I guess he remained hidden within my subconscious. It was the same recurring dream for many years...it would be me looking for him, trying to find him and very rarely, I would find him.

More than anything, he was my friend. A real true friend who loved and respected me, who sacrificed his own happiness for mine, who accepted me for whatever I am. Sometimes I trusted immensely.

Now, 22 years later...sometimes I look at him and I still see the 18 year old, sometimes 20 years old and sometimes 22 years old but other times, I see him as the man with grey hair, wrinkles on his face and the painful stresses that life throws upon us. Such is life...full of challenges and for those 20+ painful years, I was absent from him, there was never a moment that we didn't miss one another. 

True "Idols" for Muslim girls and women today

Surah At Tahrim: 11-12

"And Allah has set forth an example for those who believe the wife of Fir'aun (Pharoah), when she said: My Lord! Build for me a home with You in Paradise, and save me from Fir'aun and his work, and save me from the people who are Zalimun."

"And Maryam (Mary), the daughter of Imran who guarded her chastity. And We breathe into her through our ruh (Jibrail) and she testified to the truth of the Words of her Lord, and believe in the Scriptures and she was of the obedient (to Allah)"

As a Muslim girl growing up, I often thought it was unfair that men have so many examples to follow. Of course our Prophet Muhammad SAW was a man and he was the best of examples. Then there were great leaders e.g. Abu Bakar as Siddiq r.a., strong-willed man e.g. Umar Al Khattab r.a., a determined boy e.g. Ali r.a. , brave fighter e.g. Khalid al Walid, Jaafar bin Abi Talib, intelligent negotiator e.g. Mus'ab bin Umayr and many more...

I struggled to understand the true characteristic of a pious woman whom I should follow as an example, one who can be my "idol". Often the message given to girls are conflicting. We are often told to be a "wanita solehah" (pious woman) one has to be soft spoken, kind and sabar (patient). Yes! everything sabar...husband tak tanggung pon sabar...kene sepak terajang pon sabar*....Is that what we want our women to be? When a woman is opinionated and speaks her mind, she would be seen as "aggressive" or when she demands for her rights, she would be seen as a "gold digger" or "ungrateful". Basically, to be a "wanita solehah" one has to be brainless and easily bullied.

*husband not providing, being physically abused by husband

In a Capitalist world where men have embraced the concepts of "survival of the fittest" and "self gratification", we often find women subjected to unfair treatment and oppression. Most women nowadays work and they are expected to share 50% of the cost of living. In worse scenarios, they are expected to support their non-working husbands or even worse, having to take up bank loans and credit cards to support their extravagant male spouses. I'm sure we know of some women who are in severe debt or have gone bankrupt due to their husband's bad economic decisions and yet, in the end who is blamed? It would be the woman because she was being exactly what society expected her to be soft spoken, kind and patient...

Who is really brain-washing women to become like this? is it men i.e. man made law, customs, traditions or Islam?

As I read the beautiful verses of the Qur'an above, it made me realize about women and what are the true characteristics of a pious woman. 

Let's look at Maryam a.s. (the mother of Isa a.s). She was praised for her chastity, her obedience to God, that she kept herself isolated in worship to Allah SWT and that Allah SWT completed her. She didn't need anyone else... Even when she was about to give birth to Isa a.s. (the immaculate child), she secluded herself away from the people and gave birth to her baby in isolation, alone with Allah SWT as her protector.

The message here is a pious woman is one who worships Allah SWT alone, she keeps herself chaste and Allah SWT completes her (in her heart, soul, body and mind)

Then let's look to Asiah, the wife of Firaun. Firaun was the King of Egypt. He even claimed himself to be 'god' astaghfirullah! and yet, despite killing all the male infants of Bani Israel, he agreed to adopt Musa a.s. as their son because Asiah wanted to keep the child. That showed his love for her.

When Musa became a Prophet and taught people to worship Allah SWT alone, she believed in him and she went against Firaun, her husband. Out of fury, he tortured her but her response was not one of weakness or clinging to Firaun. She did not respond in the way that Malay dramas would like to depict a woman...falling at the feet of her husband, crying and saying something like "Oh Abang! sampai hati Abang buat saya macam ni. Maafkanlah saya Bang! " You know what I mean...that cringing scene that makes a woman look so pathetic causing my stomach to churn and feel this urge to vomit! I often wonder why does she has to apologize when usually it would be the husband that was having an affair or not fulfilling his responsibility or abusing her physically, mentally or emotionally.

Anyway, back to Asiah...wife of Firaun....

Instead of pleading to Firaun, Asiah turned to Allah SWT and prayed to Him to save her from Firaun and those who were oppressors. She asked for Allah SWT to build her a home in Jannah because she loved Allah more than anything else. She disobeyed her husband and turned against him for the sake of Allah.

the message here is: LOVE ALLAH SWT first above anyone else. Put everything in your hand (as sis Yasmin Mogahed would say) but not in your heart. Only keep Allah in your heart. Your husband is not your god Astaghfirullah! He is just a man whom if he fulfils his responsibilities towards you, Alhamdulillah but if he betrays you, then Allah is your protector and the One you hold dear to your heart.

Let's look at an example closer to our time. The best example of Khadijah r.a. (wife of Prophet Muhammad SAW). At the time when Muhammad SAW worked for her as a tradesman, she was 40 years old. She was a widower, rich, beautiful and highly intelligent. She had endless marriage proposals from leaders of Quraysh and rich tradesman. Yet, she refused to get married. She was contented with herself and her position.

The attraction she had towards Muhammad SAW was not based on his good looks. They hardly met face to face but she heard about him through her servant Maysarah. He often described Muhammad SAW as intelligent, reliable, honest, responsible and of course, he was known as the trustworthy (Al-Amin). Hence, it was these characteristics that prompted her to propose to him for marriage.

Good looks will fade in time but when you admire someone for their good characteristics, they will always have those qualities. When Khadijah r.a. married Muhammad SAW. He was an ordinary 20-year old man, an orphan with no great fortune or high status but yet, she saw something in him that made her admired and believed in him. Indeed, she was right...he became the best person ever and the best example for mankind.

Let the message to Muslim girls be this:

Build your relationship with Allah SWT first

Everyone else is secondary

Love Allah and put your complete Trust in Him

Abide by His laws and rules

Do not transgress His Limits, for whatever or whoever...

No one is worth disobeying Allah

Always remember that Allah SAW has given you your rights

He has given you self-worth

He has given you high status in Islam, as daughters, sisters, aunties, wives and mothers

Know your rights as a daughter, sister, aunty, wife and mother

You do not need anyone else to complete you

Only Allah SWT can complete you...

Celebrating the differences between men and women in Islam

So many of us have been away from Malaysia for a long time, living abroad for many years. I guess we missed a lot of developments and changes that happened in this country, economically, politically, infrastructure and mentality. Sometimes I have forgotten all the things that I experienced when I was growing up here and sometimes I expect that maybe things have changed.


However, my recent chat with my teenage daughter made me wonder if some things have changed at all. She is expressing the same disatisfaction and heart-ache that I felt when I was growing up as a young Muslim girl in this country especially in terms of the gender inequality and the views of men and women in Islam.


Fortunately for me, I was given the opportunity to study abroad and to experience the struggle of the western women and feminists in a male dominated society and to find answers in the gender equality in Islam. Fortunately for my daughter, she has someone to try and explain to her these issues and I pray to Allah SWT that I will be able to explain this to her, to make her understand that Islam is perfect and balanced in the way it regulates men and women as well as the relationship between the two genders.


I dedicate this to my children, my girls and my boys and anyone else who feels this aching in their chest whenever the issue of gender inequality is raised.

The first thing that humans should know is that men and women are created equal. We are EQUAL but NOT THE SAME. We have biological differences and physical capabilities.


WE ARE EQUAL that both are slaves to Allah SWT, that we are both subjected to His rules and laws, that we are both demanded to worship Him alone, that He will reward us, both men and women for our good deeds.


Surah An Nisa:124 "And whoever does righteous good deeds, male or female, and is a (true) believer such will enter paradise and not the least injustice, even to the size of a speck on the back of a date-stone, will be done to them."

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He has made some obligations equal for both men and women e.g. the five daily prayers, the fasting in Ramadhan, the Hajj, the Zakat, the da'wah. He has made things that are forbidden equal to both men and women such as drinking alcohol, eating pork, taking riba (usury) and committing zina. The punishment for those who commit haram are equal for both men and women.


There are some who deceive themselves to believe that "it is okay for men to fool around with women because they can marry more than one" but this is a lie and is not the sunnah of the Prophet SAW in his practice of polygamy. Allah SWT made lowering of the gaze, for men to not look at women and women to not look at men an obligation for both parties. (Surah an Nur: 30-31)

However, men and women are NOT THE SAME. Men have been given the physical strength and leadership qualities for a good reason whilst women have been blessed with capacity of child birth and nurturing qualities for a good reason.




Is this gender equality??

Unlike western feminism that makes men the standard and women having to constantly prove themselves to be as good, or the mentality of whatever men does, a women can do better, Islam does not promote a competition between men and women in their capabilities other than the competition to attain TAQWA. Islam does not discriminate either of the sexes but celebrates these differences with promise of immense reward.



Unlike the west that looks down upon the natural gift of women as the vessel of life, a mother. Islam raises the women status above the men for her very nature of being a mother.

Abu Hurairah (radi Allahu anhu) reported that a person came to the Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) and asked: “Who among people is the most deserving of my fine treatment?” He (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) replied: “Your mother.” He then asked, “Who next?” The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) replied: “Your mother.” He asked again: “Who next?” He (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said again, “Your mother.” He again asked, “Then who?” He (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Your father.” [Sahih Bukhari]

On the other hand, Islam raises the level of a man as the leader, the protector and provider. He leads, he is responsible, he works and he provides for the family. (Surah An Nisa: 34)

This is a responsibility of a man. Allah SWT gave him the responsibility to protect and fight for His Cause, to protect the weak and needy and the act of Jihad and syahid is linked to immense reward. Protecting, jihad fi sabillah is NOT a choice but an obligation for all able bodied men.


Surah An Nisa:75 "And what is wrong with you that you fight not in the Cause of Allah, and for those weak, ill treated, and oppressed among men, women and children, whose cry is: "Our Lord! rescue us from this town whose people are oppressors; and raise from us from You one who will protect, and raise form us from You one who will help."

Women have an important role as mothers and nurturers. She has a responsibility to look after her home and kids and she is rewarded immensely for her actions. However, she is also given the rights to own property, inheritance, to work and to contribute actively within society. It is an obligation for her to seek knowledge and to be able to raise her children with physical health as well as strong adherence to the Deen and understanding.


Even though she is allowed to work but this is HER CHOICE, unlike men where there is NO CHOICE. The man is the bread-winner, the main provider and if a woman chooses to work, she only supplements the needs of the family and herself. NO WOMEN SHOULD BE FORCED TO WORK or WORSE, TO PAY FOR HER HUSBAND'S DEBTS AND CREDIT CARDS.


All researchers know the difference between a PRINCIPAL INVESTIGATOR (PI) and a co-investigator, a lawyer knows the difference between the partner and the salaried lawyer, doctors know the difference between the specialist and the masters student. The difference is in the degree of responsibility and responsibility weighs more than the title or status. Hence, a man is the leader of the family and he shoulders the burden of providing, protecting and leading.


Islam has given both men and women GREAT EXAMPLES TO FOLLOW

The Prophet SAW is the best example. He is an example for men as the best leader, the best husband, the best father and the best sahabah. We have great leaders as examples such as Abu Bakr As-Siddiq, Umar Bin Al-Khattab, Uthman Bin Affan, Ali bin Abi Talib, Abdullah Ibn Umar and many more. Leaders who are strong in character, decision makers, strong fighters and yet, kind, loving and gentle towards their women, elderly and children.

These are the YARDSTICK for Muslim men and a standard that needs to be upheld.

As for women, we have been given the example of Asiyah the wife of Firaun, Maryam the mother of Isa, Khadijah r.a, Fatimah r.a and Aisya r.a. These are strong women who loved Allah SWT and the Messenger more than anyone else.

The examples of women are those who PUT THEIR LOVE AND TRUST IN ALLAH SWT ALONE. Asiyah the wife of Firaun went against him by believing in the ONENESS OF ALLAH SWT and when Firaun tortured her, she only called to Allah SWT and said (At Tahrim: 11) "And Allah has swt forth an example for those who believe: the wife of Firaun when she said "My Lord! Build for me a home with You in Paradise, and save me from Firaun and his work and save me from the people who are Zalimun."

So, refrain from looking to the west for answers in solving the issues of gender inequality rather embrace the truth of Islam in its definition of the rights and responsibilities of men and women.

Capitalism has reduced our community to love the dunya and fear death, instill the DISEASE OF WAHN in our men that they fear to die for the sake of Allah SWT and clinging on to the luxuries of this world. Capitalism has reduced men to beings that are subjugated by desires and lust, to commit haram and even syirk (sihir/khurafat) in order to attain the things they covet in wealth and women, preventing them from taking the just and right actions and fulfilling their responsibilities as leaders, husbands and fathers.



Capitalism has promoted women to fight for freedom BUT DUPED them into believing that freedom equals the selling of her body as a commodity and yearning for love and acceptance by men until she no longer values herself as the honoured servant of Allah SWT, the Almighty.

Ya Allah! May we be those who LOVE YOU ONLY and do not make us love anyone more than we love YOU. Fill our hearts with the remembrance of YOU for syaitan is eager to enter an empty heart...and protect us from the evil actions and intentions of others. Ameen.

An account of reading about the ingredient to successful marriage in Islam

In sister Yasmin Mogahed's book there is a chapter on "a successful marriage: the missing link"

Too many marriages amongst muslim couples nowadays are unhappy and sometimes we wonder why when Allah SWT has given us the best guidance to follow. I would read the words of Allah, “And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them,  and He has put love and mercy between you; verily in that are signs for people who reflect.” Al Qur’an 30:21

I used to wonder how does this verse refer to today? Where can one find any tranquillity in marriage?

In her book, sis Yasmin quoted Dr Emerson’s work that says: The love she most desires; the respect he desperately needs.

Allah SWT is the One who made all of us, whether men or women and it all fits into a perfect picture when Allah gave the responsibility for men to be protectors and maintainers of women (Al Qur’an 4:34). Men are given the leadership role and women naturally look up to their men to lead them. It is virtually impossible for a woman to respect a man who does not fulfil his leadership duties.

Often we hear those who blame the fall of the Muslims on the western cultural invasion that led to muslim women taking off their headscarfs and going to work. However, Islam does not forbid women from working and nowadays most women in Malaysia wear the headscarf. So, isn’t that the real destruction of this ummah occurred when leadership was taken away from men?

When the Khilafah was destroyed, the role of men as protectors and maintainers were downplayed until some men are unashamed to let their wives support them. In the Malay community, it is not unheard of where husbands demand their wives to go to work or husbands demand the working wife to pay for half the expenses which is by right, his responsibility. There have been horror stories of husbands forcing the wives to pay for their debt or a man unable to provide and yet, taking on second, third or four wives.

If respect is what men desperately needs then, Allah SWT has made them leaders, protectors and bread winners. Their position as the leader, the one who protects, the one who provides automatically puts them in a higher position of respect. At the same time, Allah SWT and the Prophet SAW taught the men to treat their wives with love and kindness, something she most desires.

The Prophet SAW said, “Take good care of women, for they were created from a bent rib, and the most curved part of it is its top. If you try to straighten it, you will break it and if you leave it , it will remain arched so take good care of women.”

This is an advice to men on how to look after women, not to try and fix her or change her. Unfortunately it has been used by some men to degrade women and to look down upon her as a ‘bent rib’.

With the demise of the Islamic state, men have lost their leadership role. The four positions of ruling in Islam, the Khalif, the Moawin (assistants of Khalif), Wali (Governors) and Qadi al Qoda (Judge of judges) are men only positions that cannot be taken up by women. This highlights the importance Islam places on men as leaders.

The other abandoned role of men is as protectors. When the Islamic state was destroyed, the army of Jihad ceased to exist. Jihad is an obligation for men and is their central role as protectors of the state and to defend the weak and needy. Again, a woman will look up to a man who is ready to protect her and the family.

The West has influenced this ‘equality’ argument that women too must work rather than the position of Islam where men MUST work but it is optional for women. This has made men believe that sharing of household income is 50:50 rather than the role of men as the sole provider. He must provide for the family whether the wife works or not.

The role of men as protectors and maintainers is so vital within the marriage institution that although divorce (talaq) is in the hands of the men but she is allowed to ask for divorce (fasah) if he doesn’t fulfil his role in providing and it is her rights to seek fasah in that situation.

We all want to see happy couples and the fulfilment of the ayat 30:21. However, the only way that such society of successful marriages can occur is when Muslims again refer to Islam rather than trying to copy the west. This requires the re-emphasis on men to fulfil their roles as protectors and bread winner. If respect is what men desperately need and love is what women desires then we need to revive the leadership position of men; and to put emphasis on women to respect their husbands and for husbands to treat their wives with love and affection.

Sometimes women take on board too much responsibility for her husband out of ‘care’ and ‘concern’ and she tries to change him or improve him. That is probably due to our nature of being mothers and how we are nurturers. It is okay to do so for your children but a husband is not a child. He is a grown man, a leader, a protector, a bread winner. Allah SWT has not made women responsible for men but the other way around so, just relax and remember the hadith that says; “When a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month of Ramadhan, guards her body and obeys her husband, it is said to her: Enter paradise from whichever door you wish.”

The true meaning of love

The situation in Syria continues...the fighting, killing and suffering. Nobody wants to live in a war zone, everybody wants to live in peace. When I was making a decision to return to Malaysia, I was afraid that things might change. I was afraid if this country would suffer the same fate as Afghanistan, Iraq or the Middle East. I do not want to see war, chaos, disorder but the world is changing every day and the political situation all over the world seems so unstable, it is hard to imagine what will happen tomorrow.

I was watching Al-Jazeera and a Syrian man said something that affected me. He said his people have lost everything. They used to have a thriving economy, oil, universities, schools, business, factories but now they have lost everything...there is no businesses, no petrol, no homes, no security and not even knowledge. He said "we have nothing left except God".

Most people who listen to that statement would think this man is the poorest person alive, how pathetic is he compared to someone who lives in Sri Hartamas with a big mansion and several sports cars. In the eyes of the world, the one with the wealth, the children, the mansion, the fancy gadgets...that is the rich person, the successful person. However, for me...I have come to understand that when a person has lost everything they've ever loved, when God takes away everything and He leaves a person with nothing but Himself, that is actually the richest person alive.

Why? because the world and everything in it is nothing compared to a REALIZATION, an UNDERSTANDING...that all of this is temporary, is borrowed, is unreal compared to the reality of the hereafter. I don't know how else to say this but that REALIZATION, like when you're in a dark room and you can't see a thing but suddenly someone switch the light on and you start to see everything...that KNOWLEDGE, that ability to see what you have never seen before, that is what makes a person RICH beyond all means...beyond all wealth...beyond this world.

There will be sceptics or atheist or people who will think that I'm talking about some myth, some mumbo-jumbo or just making up a deity to make human beings feel better but No! I'm talking about holding on to the One who ensures that the sun rises in the morning, that the moon rises in stages to complete a full month, that the rain falls down from the sky to bring life to a barren land, the One that ensures that gravity exist at all times to pull us down firmly on the ground. I'm talking about the One who ensures everything is constant everyday without fail...

Surely we do not believe that the universe runs by itself like a ship without a captain, an airplane without a pilot or a hospital without a manager? Everything requires someone to regulate it, to make sure that things run smoothly and according to plan. Allah SWT says in the Qur'an:

Chapter 10:5 "He it is who made the sun a shining brightness and the moon a light, and ordained for it mansions that you might know the computation of years and the reckoning. Allah did not create it but with truth; He makes the signs manifest for a people who know. 

When you lose something special...you must remember that it is Allah SWT who took it from you. Allah gives and He takes and He replaces it with something better. When you sacrifice the things you love for the sake of Allah SWT, you start to appreciate the true meaning of love.

When everyone leaves you, when they hurt you, when your heart is broken, when you are harmed by others...you understand that God never leaves, He never forsakes you, He never ignores you, He heals, protects, comforts you. He forgives and He shows Mercy. He is always there ready to accept your repentance and ready to answer your prayers (dua). 

 

Valentine's day: today I love you, tomorrow I hate you.

The Star Newspaper today is filled with articles promoting and explaining the reasons for celebrating Valentine’s day. 

I don’t understand the rationality behind a Malaysian newspaper promoting a celebration that was invented by the west. The origins of Valentine’s day is based on sketchy historical facts and legends but does the origin really matter? Let truth be known, that it definitely did not originate from China or Indian subcontinent, neither did it have any historical or cultural origins from this part of the world. Hence, to adopt a celebration that has no value whatsoever to one’s own historical and cultural background just because the West celebrates it is simply blind following. Nevertheless I have no reasons to advice the non-Muslims in this country about when and what days they should express their love to one another. It is up to them if they wish to copy-cat the West. 

The Western countries are notorious for their irony. It is no surprise if the origin of Valentine’s day is in actual fact an irony of the story of this man called Saint Valentines who performed secret wedding ceremonies against the ruling of the Roman emperor and he was then persecuted for it. Well, the irony is that now people celebrate ‘love’ without the actual marriage. Some Muslims may argue that they are married and would like to celebrate Valentine’s – well read on! 

My main concern is the Muslim leaders and Islamic scholars who have failed to convince the Muslim population in this country about why they should not celebrate Saint Valentine’s day. 

Is it really just about Valentine’s day? Let’s talk about unmarried couples. Are we sending a message that couples should not date on Valentines but can go out on any other day? If adhering to Islam is the issue then, isn’t it a message that couples should not date at all? And what is ‘coupling’ anyway? Why do two people go out with one another? If it is sex that they want then marriage is the only method acceptable in Islam. If it is love that they want, then Allah SWT is the only one who truly loves us. 

I mean coupling is really not that special nowadays, two people meet either on the internet or in real life, they ‘fall in love’, they go out and they break up. It is like "I love you today, I hate you tomorrow" and few weeks down the line, they meet someone else and the cycle starts again...and each time, they believe ‘this is the one’. It is almost like watching a mouse on a wheel... the mouse never goes anywhere.

So, let’s talk about Valentine’s day but let’s make it a more meaningful discussion rather than just a ‘fatwa’ on the haram of celebrating Valentine’s day. Let’s talk about what is love in Islam, how love can be pursued in the halal way and that romance and relationship also comes with responsibility.

Part of the problem is (sorry to say this but...) the Malay method of talking about Islam is pretty boring as though the only way you can pursue romance and fun is through the haram way. Why don’t we talk about how amazing love is within marriage?

We know that the only one who truly deserves our heart is Allah SWT. He made us, he gave us life, gives us everything we have. He was there before we were born and He will be there after we die. There is nothing else like him. There is nothing out there that can give us help, guidance, protection and security like Him. 

Then of course, the Prophet Muhammad SAW who sacrificed his whole life to bring us the message from Allah SWT; the real life example of a man who was the best leader, the best husband, the best father and the best companion.

The people who deserve our love are our family members, our parents, our siblings, aunts and uncles. It is the people who help us grow up, nurtured us, looked after us and protected us until we were able to stand on our own two feet. 

Then, comes that special person in our life, the one who deserves our affection and love is our spouse; the husband or wife. The person who has took that step to commit him or herself to us. It is the person who has taken the vow or pledge to build a life with us, to support us through thick and thin, who accepts us for what we truly are, who goes through our happy and sad times, sharing our hopes and dreams, the one who forgives us again and again for our mistakes. 

These are the people who deserve our love and we do not need some pagan or roman or western day of murky origin to express our love and affection. And the experts are right, these kinds of celebrations are haram but why do we need to copy the west? Why do we need to follow the non-Muslims in this country who wish to copy the west? Allah SWT has given us a good brain so let’s use it for a good purpose. Think about how we should behave as Muslims rather than to copy people who have no real guidance.

For a Muslim woman, you are the most special and beautiful thing in the world and it is up to you to value yourself the way that Allah SWT has put value on you. Allah SWT has put Jannah (syurga) at your feet as a mother; he has given you special rights to enter Paradise from any door you want just by being a good wife and He has given fathers the opportunity to enter Paradise if he can fulfil his responsibility to bring up his daughters with love and correct guidance. You deserve more than flowers on Valentine’s day or some crappy dinner. You deserve a good husband who loves you, protects you, looks after you and provides for you. 

For a Muslim man, you are the hope of this ummah to lead the Muslim ummah from our current state of darkness into a state of light and advancement. For that purpose, you need to fulfil your role and responsibility given to you by Allah SWT. You are our leaders, you are our knights and you are the protectors of this Deen. We do not want you to give us Valentine flowers or cards. We certainly do not need your sweet words to get us into bed. You will not make us disobey Allah SWT. Rather, we want you to protect us and give us our rights, to lead us with the beauty of Islam.

I want something but I'm not getting it, why?

Was listening to this talk by Yasmin Mogahed on youtube titled "Why can't I get what I want (click to listen) ". She explained it so simply and beautifully. Of course...the reason is that we have made the thing that we want our goal or objective and then we ask Allah to give us the thing that we want. So, Allah becomes the means or like a 'genie in a bottle'. The correct way round would be Allah SWT is our goal and everything else becomes a means or a tool to get closer to Him. 

She gave a very simple example of 'wanting to marry person X'. Marriage is a good thing in Islam, it fulfills half of our religion but if we make marrying person X our goal such as we want person X. We pray to Allah SWT to give us person X then, we are actually having the wrong goal cause how can we make person X our goal? Rather, Allah SWT is our goal and if we want to use marriage as a tool to get closer to Allah SWT then, we should ask for a husband or wife that will be good for us, someone who can lead us closer to Allah SWT.

This is because Allah SWT knows best and He knows what is good or bad for us. He has knowledge of the past, future and present. Person X maybe bad for us and instead person Y may be good for us. It is not even about person X whether he/she is good or bad. He/she could be a wonderful person, who knows? but the point is he/she may not be good for strengthening our relationship with Allah. Allah knows and we do not know.

This would be the same for anything in this life cause anything could be made into our goal e.g. a particular job, wealth, business contract, children, house, car etc... For example, a couple wants a child. This yearning for a child can be so engulfing and it can take over a person's whole life and existence. We then justify this intense yearning by saying that having a child is a good thing in Islam, it is encouraged by our Prophet SAW. So we pray and pray to Allah SWT for a child but it doesn't happen. We then start to feel frustrated and angry and wonder why...after all, having a child is good. Again, it brings us back to the issue of our goal. Our goal is to please Allah SWT and having a child is not the goal. Allah SWT can give us one, two, three or more children as He pleases. He can give us none at all... but Allah SWT knows best. If we make Allah the goal then whatever He gives us, we will trust that is the best for us.

We should make dua and we are encouraged to make dua to Allah for whatever halal things that we want but remember, we only want it if it is good for us in this life and the hereafter. 

Listening to the talk, it just brings me back to my purpose in life which is to worship Allah SWT.

I have come to the conclusion that all human beings have the capability to be whatever good or bad that anyone else can be. Nobody is all good and nobody is all bad except the Prophets who were protected by Allah SWT (Maksum). We all have the potential to be led astray and we all have the potential to do great things for the Deen. Allah SWT gave us beautiful examples from the companions of the Prophet SAW from Umar Al Khattab who was fearless and strong and harsh to Abu Bakar as Siddiq who was gentle and kind...no matter what type of person we are, we have the potential to be a beacon of light or a bearer of darkness. It is up to us to make that choice and to decide what we truly want in life. What is our purpose? What is our goal?

Sometimes people lose their way but Allah SWT gives us many chances, to repent, to find the right path again and again. We should never give up hope in Allah SWT because Allah SWT does not give up hope on us. He tests us for our own good and sometimes He gives us what we want and sometimes He doesn't. He is not obliged to give us anything and yet, he is Al Wahhab (the Bestower) He gives and gives and gives...

We do not know the ending of our life but what we know for sure is we will all end up on the day of judgment, facing Allah SWT - our true goal and our true destiny. Why can't I have what I want? Well, I know the answer for sure, it is because Allah SWT loves me and if I ask Allah SWT for something and I do not get it, it is because He knows what is good for me and inshaAllah He will give me something better either in this life or the akhirah...

Hadith on the mercy of Allah and forgiveness

Allah, you are enough for me.

So, will your marriage last more than the average three years?

I was reading the newspaper recently and if you have read it too, you would know that the average length of marriage used to be seven years and it has now reduced to three years. Not good news to future newly wed couples especially since weddings are getting more expensive. In other words you're spending more for less durability. It is like...you used to pay RM5.00 for a battery that lasts and lasts and lasts...but now you're paying RM20.00 for a battery that goes flat in an hour.

I wonder why marriages nowadays do not last so long unlike our grandparents or even parents who seems to be married forever. My mom and dad have been married for 42 years...just imagine! I've only been married for 14 years but considering the average, we've completely passed the 7 years so whatever happens after this, we've done well! (okay...just joking...may we have more happy years ahead. Amin) :0

Anyway, I would like to share with you a scenario. Do you remember your first job interview? You spent so much time looking for a job, you've looked through career pages in the newspaper, surfed the internet, spent hours and hours composing the best CV, cracked your head on how to make your CV seemed extraordinary. Finally, you found that perfect job and you applied for it. You waited with anticipation, day after day for a positive response and finally the day arrived when you received that call...they called you for an interview. You rushed to the shops to buy yourself a new attire, new perfume, new shoes, new hair gel (if you're a bloke)  and you spent hours in front of the mirror rehearsing what you were going to say.

Do you remember how nervous you were on the day of the interview. You kept checking your watch to make sure you're not going to be late. You finally arrived at the interview and as you entered the room, you felt your heart pounding like neverbefore. You did your best to try and impress the panelist and as you waited for the result, you imagined how wonderful your life would be if you somehow got the job. You can almost see yourself in that office, in the chair, behind the desk, doing the things that you've always wanted to do...then, finally you received that phone call that informed you..."YES! you got the job!"

You were completely ecstatic because you realized that  your life has just begun.

But now, what would you do? Would you:

a) Feel satisfied, feel that you have achieved what you set out to achieve? start to relax and become complacent. You believe that you do not have to try so hard anymore... and that things will just somehow miraculously 'work out' and you will blossom and be a great worker by doing nothing? You imagine the excitement you would feel from going to work everyday just like how you felt when you attended the interview?

or

b) Feel that your career has only just begun...you feel motivated, enthusiastic to do your best, find out and learn about your roles and responsibilities. You want to grow into your job, to always strive to do better, to be better, to expand your skills, to impress your boss, to be promoted and to earn more?

I'm sure most sane and intelligent people will choose (b) so I'm not actually talking about a job but a relationship or more specifically, a marriage... now, can you understand the similarity, right?

So, you have started your 'dream job' with this 'dream company' and it is now three months later... you're getting familiar with your roles and responsibilities but you realize that you have so much more to learn.You realize the more you learn, the less you know and the more effort you have to put in. You still 'love' your job but the 'excitement', the 'anticipation' that you experienced before you went for the interview just seems so far away, it seems insignificant now compared to all these other experiences that you're getting...

Again, I'm not talking about a job but a relationship...it must seem clear that the 'courting' stage, the excitement, the yearning and wanting is just an initial phase that would seem insignificant and a small tiny fraction compared to a lifetime of getting to know one another, learning about one another and working together to make the relationship grow, all the experiences that the two of you will go through together...

This is where most experts believe is the failure of today's marriage. There's too much emphasis on the initial stage...the courting, the excitement, the being 'in love' but unlike the job...people forget that marriage is just like starting a new job. You need to work hard to make things work, you need to work hard to keep your job and even harder to get promoted!

In a world where there is more 'freedom', more socializing, people are deluded to think that they have more choices...they think that they can always find someone 'better'. If one girl gives him hell, it is much easier to just leave and find another one. If one guy pisses her off, she thinks he's not worth it and goes off to another man. This attitude of 'I can leave whenever I want' means guys and gals will spend most of their lives just hopping from one relationship to the next cause when things get tough, they leave... there is no commitment to make things work.

The truth is, no matter how many people you 'date', relationships start from ZERO...and it starts the day you get married. Remember that dream job that you've been yearning for...well, the day you start your job is when it all starts...and you need to work pretty damn hard in order for you to keep your job and to make your career flourish.

So, do not be deceived by the 'freedom' that you have. There are no more choices than there's ever been. Just more opportunity to commit haraam (sorry! that's a fact) In the end, Allah SWT chooses your mate for you...you still end up with one person and you still have to work hard regardless...

Believing in the ones who believe in you

Sometimes you started off thinking that you want to help someone and then, as things move along you realize that you're only making things worse. Then, you realize that you can't help anybody not unless they help themselves and when someone actually says that you've helped them, the only way that you have helped them is because they believe in it even though you're just doing what you normally do and being who you normally are or saying the things that you would normally say. Truth is you haven't done anything extraordinary, it is just the person has found something that inspired them or made them think or made them see things a different way.

Everyone has the capability to 'shine', to be whatever they want to be. Everyone can be good or they can be bad. It all depends on how they view themselves and the world whether positive or negative. It all depends on who they want to be and what they want to do. In the end, regardless of whatever happens to us, we have the choice of how we want to react and how we want things to happen. This is because we are in control of our actions, our choices in life.

Everyone has doubts about themselves and I certainly had doubts about myself when I started my internship but sometimes, you just meet the right person or the right team members that make you believe in yourself. No doubt you see something 'special' about the person but the person is a person with his/her flaws but anyone that makes you feel special and inspire you is worth remembering and worth believing in because they believe in you. I've met some great consultants and colleagues who have made me believe in myself and my ability as a doctor. Even though I may never see them again but I treasure their memories because I remembered how they made me feel about myself and how I appreciated their support.

As we mature through life, we need to hold on to memories and remember the good times, the happy times and to keep the people who mean something to us close. This is because we want to keep growing as a person, to open our hearts to more and more people rather than to shrink away. It really doesn't matter what people do, in the end it is what we do and what we are that is important for our future, to secure our place in Jannah cause that is the final destination. If we can truly focus on that goal with minimal distractions, we will realize that we can be more than what we are. We can be forgiving, we can be generous, we can give our trust, we can be concern, we can be brave, we can have courage to speak the truth and we can carry the burden of the da'wah.

لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفۡسًا إِلَّا وُسۡعَهَا‌ۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتۡ وَعَلَيۡہَا مَا ٱكۡتَسَبَتۡ‌ۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذۡنَآ إِن نَّسِينَآ أَوۡ أَخۡطَأۡنَا‌ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحۡمِلۡ عَلَيۡنَآ إِصۡرً۬ا كَمَا حَمَلۡتَهُ ۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِنَا‌ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلۡنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦ‌ۖ وَٱعۡفُ عَنَّا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَٱرۡحَمۡنَآ‌ۚ أَنتَ مَوۡلَٮٰنَا فَٱنصُرۡنَا عَلَى ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡڪَـٰفِرِينَ  

Allah does not burden anyone beyond his capacity. For him is what he has earned, and on him what he has incurred. “Our Lord, do not hold us accountable, if we forget or make a mistake, and, Our Lord, do not place on us such a burden as You have placed on those before us, and, Our Lord, do not make us bear a burden for which we have no strength. And pardon us, and grant us forgiveness, and have mercy on us. You are our Lord. So then help us against the disbelieving people. 

Al - Baqarah: 286

May Allah SWT give us the strength to go through the test of life.

You are enough for me

I can't wait to get home from work today because my new electronic piano has arrived. I haven't played the piano for many years cause I wasn't sure if the piano is allowed in Islam. Piano is a string instrument and most scholars say that 'wind' and 'string' instruments are prohibited.

So, I got rid of my guitar a long while ago and have not touched piano since but today, I am going to play on my electronic piano. Music expresses so much more than words sometimes.

Life is a beautiful experience...

We will never know happiness until we have felt sadness.
We will never know pleasure until we have felt pain.
We will never appreciate sweetness until we have tasted sourness.
We will never appreciate love until we have felt heart ache.
We will never appreciate what we have until we are about to lose it.
We will never appreciate company until we have been totally alone.
We will never appreciate the truth until we have gotten lost in falsehood.

Thank you Allah SWT for protecting me and guiding me.
Do not leave me for a single second of my life
I know for sure...You are enough for me :)



 

Rediscovering the pieces of the missing jigsaws - welcome home my lovelies.

Hubby and the girls returned from UK four days ago. They've brought back so much chocolates and we've been totally indulging ourselves. Now it feels like they have never left at all.
While they were away, the boys and I did enjoy ourselves. Life appeared more calm with less screaming, fighting and shouting but somehow, it just felt wrong...like something was missing. Even though, the boys didn't express verbally what was missing but I could sense that their behaviour was different. They were empty and sad.

Now, everything feels right like discovering the pieces of the missing jigsaws.

Maybe that is what it means to love. It is to fit into each other's lives like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that without them, the picture is incomplete and hollow. It is to be so comfortable in their presence that you no longer realize how much their mere existence fulfil your life. Sometimes, it is these things that we take for granted.

Sometimes, we think we need something more but maybe what we have is enough. Maybe what we have is better. I don't know. Why do we make our lives so complicated?

Whatever it is, we simply have to put our trust in Allah SWT. He is the One who knows what is good and what is bad for us. In the end, the most important thing is to enter Jannah (Paradise).

Last night I dreamt of water again...

InshaAllah maybe something good is coming.

The best types of friends and the worst...

People just never fail to amaze and surprise. Just when you think you've seen it all, you come across someone who completely throws you off and you start to realize how human beings are capable of anything. Anyone is capable of anything. The only thing that shapes our behaviour is the ideas that we carry, thoughts or principles which often changes according to our beliefs and experiences.

For me, the best type of people are those who can inspire others. People who enter into your life and even after they are gone, they leave you a better person. When you think about them even after so many years, they put a smile on your face because you remember the good times and the good memories. When I was seventeen years old, I had a best friend who did just that. My friend was a talented musician and taught me about music, politics and opened my eyes to the windows of the world. Taught me to question the things around me. Taught me what it meant to feel 'alive'...

Everyone wants a friend who is knowledgeable, reliable, confident and knows what to do in times of trouble. Maybe Doctor Who is a fictitious character but it represents a person that everyone would value as a friend, somebody who can open your mind to life beyond the stars, to inspire you to save the world and make it a better place. To me, this should be a character of a Muslim. It is the Qur'an that gives us the knowledge beyond the stars, an explanation of everything, teaches us to put others before ourselves and to sacrifice our own needs to save humanity. 

This is in contrast to having a friend whom you believe and trust. You thought that they were caring, intelligent and reliable. However, they disappointed you and betrayed your trust. You think that a friend would be there for life but they leave you when you need them the most. You start making excuses for them because you still believe in them but soon, you understand that they are a 'snake' in disguise.

Sometimes you just have to accept that some people lie and manipulate for whatever reason, maybe out of their own fears, insecurities, undiagnosed personality disorder or maybe out of evilness but there is no point in trying to figure out why... because they are the ones with a problem. So, just let them go to sort out their issues and pray to Allah SWT that He will guide them and help them to discover love and forgiveness.

At the end of the day, truth will prevail and Allah SWT will show people for what they are. Someday, we will find the answers we were looking for, even if things do not get settled in this life but everything will be settled in the hereafter, from the smallest things to the largest things. So, whatever pain and hurt we have caused someone, we will see it. Pain and hurt are like cuts and wounds...it will heal with time but sometimes if the wound is large, it will leave a permanent scar.

It is best to leave painful memories alone.

and...

It is best to remember the people who have inspired you...
People who give more than they take.
Those whose memories put a smile on your face.
Thank you my 'childhood' friend, so happy for you that you have found someone who loves you and that you have a little family of your own. May Allah SWT give you and your family abundance of happiness.

Mom's conversation with daughter about LOVE and LIFE (part 2)

Mom: Lesson no two is VALUE yourself. Allah SWT has given you the highest status. Always remember that you are SPECIAL. You are a Muslim girl.


Daughter: Why are we special?

Mom: We are special because The Prophet SAW says “The whole world is a provision and the best provision is the pious woman”. A woman is an honor in Islam. Allah has given the highest status for moms, wives and daughters so we must value ourselves.

Daughter: What do you mean value ourselves?

Mom: I mean we should never allow any men to touch us without marrying us first. Do you remember the story of Hawa. When Allah SWT created Hawa and Adam woke up and saw her and he wanted to touch her but Allah SWT says he cannot touch her until he married her so, Allah SWT married her to Adam and only after they were married that they could touch and have children. That is the rule of Allah SWT and that is what gives woman honour. A good man will honour you and give you respect. If he wants you, he has to prove himself.

Daughter: What do you mean he has to prove himself?

Mom: It means he has to respect you, meet your parents, propose to you and buy you the diamond ring.

Daughter: (smiling and grinning and looking at her finger) and if he doesn’t show respect, can I kick him?

Mom: Err…yeah. Just tell him to go away. We don’t need a man who doesn’t respect us.

LESSON TWO IS TO PUT A HIGH VALUE ON OURSELVES, THE VALUE GIVEN TO US BY ALLAH SWT, THE BIG BOSS HIMSELF.

Mom: Lesson number three is what women should expect from men. A man has to fulfill three criteria in order to become a real man. The first is to provide.

Daughter: How much does he has to provide?

Mom: A man has to provide everything for his family. He has to go out there and earn a living and make sure there’s food, shelter, clothing and then whatever else that the family needs.

Daughter: What if I work?

Mom: It doesn’t matter if you work or not he still has to provide for you and if he says ‘but you work…’ well, we say but Allah SWT says in surah an Nisa: 34 “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women…” so, we have been given the license by the BIG BOSS that he has to spend his money on us and the family, and when BIG BOSS says something, everyone must listen and follow, right?

Daughter: (grinning and thinking about not having to work) right!

Mom: So, it doesn’t matter if the woman work, the man has to provide and sometimes woman just likes to give and give... but when Allah SWT says something, that is the truth so, man must provide. Whatever we want to share is up to us, we can or we don’t have to, okay? A real man will always pay for the bills, Oh! and dinner...

Daughter: Okay (still grinning)

Mom: Second a man must PROTECT! It is a man’s job to protect. Protect his wife, his family, his community and the Ummah. That is why Allah SWT has made the Jihad an obligation for men. Real men must be out there to protect

Daughter: But a lot of men do not fight jihad!

Mom: Well, by right they should be! They either have to be fighting or have the intention to. Jihad is about protecting the Deen of Islam, protecting the weak and the oppressed. Bottom line, they must protect the women and children. They must protect their family. It is because nowadays men do not fight jihad that many men do not know what to do. Some of them end up becoming Mat Rempit or taking drugs or not doing anything. Men are leaders, they have to lead and they must protect. We really need these real men today...

Daughter: yeah…men shouldn’t be cowards.

Mom: The third is PROMISE. A man must fulfill his promise. A good man will keep his promise. He will be trustworthy.

Daughter: What kind of promise?

Mom: Any kind… if he promises to meet you at a certain time, he should be on time. If he promises to buy you something, he should buy it for you. If he promise to call, he should call. If he promise to get the groceries, he will get the groceries. There are men who are full of sweet but empty promises. They will promise you the world, the sun, the moon and the stars but they do not deliver. Don’t get sucked in by their sweet words… these are not the type of men that can be the leader of the family.

Mom: Let me tell you something...men are either serious about a girl or messing around. Some men only know how to mess around and they are the low-life that we should stay away from. Some men still don't know what they want in life, so leave them alone and let them find themselves but if a man approaches a woman, then he is either serious or messing. If he is serious then he will do the honorable thing and respect you but if he is messing around like saying things like... 'let's see how this goes' then, just LEAVE! Don't stay around. If he is truly serious, he will respect you and say his intentions. Otherwise, just forget it!

Daughter: yeah…because that kind of men is not worth it.

Mom: Well… yes. So, that’s the 3 criteria

Daughter: What about PRAYER?

Mom: Oh yes! What a clever girl! A man must pray to Allah SWT. He has to love Allah SWT and fulfil the most basic command. A man is the leader of the family. He has to lead the prayer and if he doesn’t even pray 5 times a day, there’s a serious problem. So these are the rule of 4 Ps: Provide, protect, promise and prayer.

LESSON NUMBER THREE: REAL MEN HAVE TO FULFILL 4 CRITERIA
1. PRAYER (SOLAT)
2. PROVIDE
3. PROTECT
4. PROMISE (TRUSTWORTHY)

Mom: Oh…there is one more thing. Men are tricksters.

Daughter: What do you mean tricksters?

Mom: Well, sometimes people will use tricks to get what they want like for e.g. to hold someone or to get money from them. One such trick is to threaten to leave if you don't give them what they want.

Daughter: Oh! If that happens we just say ‘bye’ ‘bye’

Mom: Yes…and you know why it is that easy? Well, because you have filled 99% of your heart with the love of Allah SWT. If your heart is filled with the love of Allah SWT then, you will never feel attached to another person and even if you think you like a person… you will never do anything that will anger Allah, like do bad things, things that are against the Shariah. If a person threatens to leave, then they can leave and it is no big deal but if a person who loves Allah SWT will do the honourable thing and respect you and he should not be committing haraam. Remember our value, right?

Daughter: Yeah… (thinking hard)

Mom: So you’ll remember all the things I’ve just said, won’t you?

Daughter: Of course

Mom: InshaAllah. May Allah SWT protect you from syaitan and the evils of this world. May He make you strong in the Deen. Amin.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO VALUE OURSELVES AS WOMEN AND TO FILL OUR HEARTS WITH THE LOVE OF ALLAH SWT, THEN WE LEAVE EVERYTHING IN HIS (SWT) HANDS...DO NOT FEAR ANYTHING OR ANYONE BUT ALLAH SWT AND PUT YOUR HOPE AND TRUST ONLY IN HIM.

I hope that this little conversation will be helpful to any mom, any girl out there looking for answers....

Mom's conversation with daughter about LOVE and LIFE (part1)

This is a conversation between a mum and her 12-year old daughter about LOVE, LIFE and RELATIONSHIPS… you may think she is too young but believe me, it is never too young to start understanding these things…


A mum and her daughter sat at a coffee shop. The daughter felt special to spend some quality time with her mom. The mom was having a cup of coffee and a donut whilst the daughter had a cup of tea with a sandwich. They sat in silence for a little while until mom broke the silence and said…

Mom: You know babe, I’m going to give you some advice, something that no one told me when I was growing up and I had to find out myself and sometimes through the hard way. I wish to protect you from all the mistakes I’ve ever made but I know I can’t, only Allah SWT can do that but I hope that I can teach you some things, give you bits of knowledge to help you deal with some serious stuff in your life.

The daughter gave mom a blank stare…as she normally does when mum has something serious to say. Mom is used to that so mom continued…

Mom: I’m going to give you three lessons about life and I want you to listen carefully. These are lessons about LOVE, life and relationships…

Daughter: (Blink, still staring into space)

Mom: The first lesson is to fill 99% of your heart with the love of Allah SWT and the Prophet Muhammad (saw) and only leave 1% of your heart for the love of the people. When I say the people I mean everyone including your mom, your dad, your siblings, your family, your friends and in the future, your husband.

Daughter: (Looked perplexed but found the voice to say) Why only 1%?

Mom: Well because people are people, people might disappoint you, they might hurt you, break your trust even your parents might do those things or if you love someone so much and they die… they might still leave you in that way but Allah SWT will never leave you, never disappoint you and will never betray you. When your heart is filled with the love of Allah, no matter what people do to you, you will never feel so bad because your heart is already full but if you do not fill your heart with Allah SWT then, you might end up filling it with rubbish.

Daughter: What kind of rubbish?

Mom: Well…rubbish such as the love of men who is not related to you.

Daughter: Like boyfriends?

Mom: Exactly and once you fill your heart with rubbish, it is not easy to get rid of it.

Daughter: Oh! Like when my room is full of rubbish, it is not easy to tidy it all up?

Mom: Yeah, that’s right.

(by the way, we’re not saying men are rubbish but to fill your heart with someone who is unrelated and irrelevant to you that is like filling your room with rubbish)

SO LESSON ONE IS TO FILL 99% OF YOUR HEART WITH THE LOVE OF ALLAH SWT AND ONLY 1% WITH THE LOVE OF EVERYONE AROUND YOU INCLUDING YOUR PARENTS, SIBLINGS, FAMILY, FRIENDS AND HUSBAND.

PEOPLE CAN HURT YOU, BETRAY YOU OR LEAVE YOU THROUGH DEATH OR OTHER WAYS BUT ALLAH WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE YOU...

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New home and honoring parents

Hubby came to join us in Malaysia and the kids were so happy to have their daddy again. I was happy that there was someone else they could annoy:)

On the 25th January I went with mom, dad, Fajar, my brother and his wife to Singapore for my cousin, Khadijah's wedding. Throughout my 17 years in UK, I have missed so many family weddings. It is such a painful thing but finally, Allah gave me the opportunity to go to my cousin's wedding and it was such a lovely, lovely feeling: to meet all of my cousins, aunties and uncles. SubhanAllah! this was truly an experience for me.

So many of my dreams are fulfilled, hubby's here, kids are now enrolled in school and time to enter into our next phase of this 'hijrah' - moving to our new home.

I felt like I was leaving the nest again. After 17 years being away from 'home', from living with mom and dad...I wasn't ready to let go. I needed more time. In some ways, it was exciting and a relief to be able to organise my own home again but in other ways, I didn't want to leave. It felt too soon...just when I got mom and dad again.

It is so hard to explain how much I miss my parents and my sister. I missed them when I was in the UK but now, having them around me all the time and then, not being able to just knock on their door to have a chat just makes me miss them even more. When you don't know something or not have something, you won't miss it much. You might just imagine it. However, when you have experienced it and when it is reality - then, it is no longer there you really understand how much it means to you. I hope this makes sense.

I guess it is a bit like...when we think about daulah Islamiyah (Khilafah) because we have never experienced it, we can just imagine and wonder and think how it was or how it will be but once we've experienced it (insyaAllah) we wouldn't want to let go..ever...

The first few weeks at our new home was very difficult for me. I missed my mom and sister very much. You know parents may say things that annoy or irritate us sometimes, they get very worried, panicking and give unsolicited advice but none of that matters because they love you and they care about you more than anyone else in this world. Sometimes we think we know better but truth is only Allah knows everything so, listen to your parents even if you think you're right and they are wrong; (of course as long as it is in mubah issues and NOT to do with haraam things. If they ask you to do haraam/forbidden things then you MUST disobey them because our first obedience is to Allah and His Messenger)

Anyway, just talking about mubah things ONLY. Don't argue with your parents even if they say things that seem 'unislamic', take time to talk to them in a nice way. Choose the right time to correct them with love and hikmah like over a cup of tea, whilst sitting on a swing and bring your evidences from Qur'an and Sunnah. Never talk to them in a derogatory matter, never chastise them and do not raise your voice over them. Always make dua for your parents that they will receive the guidance from Allah. Hug them and tell them you love them. Read Qur'an in front of them and pray behind them to make their hearts cool. Parents with Iman will be most happy to see their child worshipping Allah.

Parents are incredible people; their dua is accepted, their touch is healing and their love is comfort.

Al-Qur'an surah Al-Isra':23-24 "And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour. And lower to them the wing of submission and humility through mercy and say "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young."

Al-Qur'an surah Al-Ankabut: 8 "And we have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents; but if they strive to make you join with Me (in worship) anything of which you have no knowledge, they Obey them NOT. To Me is your return and I shall tell you what you used to do."

So, treat them with kindness, love and respect; listen to them in matters that are mubah but never obey them in anything haraam/forbidden or if they stop you from worshipping Allah.

I'm only saying all this because after being away from my parents for 17 years and now, knowing them again and spending time with them again. I can truly see what it means and I can truly appreciate what it means to have parents. I am so grateful to Allah to give me this opportunity to experience having my parents again and May Allah give them taufiq, hidayah and make them one of the righteous and admit them into Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen.

PS: For those of you who have lost one or both parents, it is still okay. You can make dua for your Muslim parents for forgiveness from Allah and reward.

Picture above: Swimming pool at new apartment