I don't like this subject. It is a difficult one to write about. It is personal and often, misunderstood. Most people talk about divorce# as a 'bad' thing. It is the thing that is hated most by God. No one is saying it is good but in reality, it is happening and statistically, it is happening more often now than ever before. Many divorced couples eventually find their own respective suitors and hopefully, (inshaAllah) live happily ever after. :-)
Even if they don't find the 'one', hopefully they find themselves which in itself WORTH more than having to stay in an unhappy or worse, miserable (or abusive) situation. If two people (despite all methods and means) fail to live together peacefully, they do not have to kill one another. There is a peaceful way out hence, divorce is allowed. It maybe the most hated thing in the world in the eyes of God but He allowed it (in Islam anyway, not sure in other religions).
However, I want to talk about the "collateral damage". With the rising numbers of broken marriages, children (some young, some older) are the center to this issue. Fortunately, children are extremely resilient. They handle things much better than adults (sometimes). Younger children are even better at handling difficult situations. They know less and hence, are less prejudice. Older children have developed a mind of their own, but often not fully equipped to understand the entire situation. Some children are more emotionally mature than others. Alhamdulillah, if you have these kids you are so blessed :-) It is up to both parents (despite their own disagreements) to ensure that they send a positive and consistent message to the kids. Younger children may not understand much but it maybe sufficient for them to know that "Mummy and Daddy no longer live together anymore. Mummy or Daddy has moved out and is staying somewhere else." They need to realize that the arrangement is permanent. However, the most important thing is for them to know:
1. It is not their fault.
2. Just because Mummy and Daddy no longer love one another, they both still love the children.
3. Mummy and Daddy will always be there for them (even though separately).
Often, children become the victim of tug of war between parents. Even if one parent is the culprit, it is still a negative influence on the child. The psychological effect on the child for having made to choose sides or to 'blame' one party or feel resentment will only cause damage to the child's emotional development and well-being. The general rule is to KEEP CHILDREN OUT OF THE CONFLICT. Both mother and father must also be very sensitive to the children's surrounding. Even if both mom and dad have agreed to handle the situation delicately, there maybe negative ideas being thrown about by family members that may cause distress to the child and harm their gentle minds. You know those movies where mom (or dad) sits and talks to the child, explaining to them in a matter of fact way about man, life and universe with no emotional entanglement. I love doing that with my kids. If that is too difficult, get a story book that talks about these issues.
The problem sometimes in our Malay culture is we do not talk to our children. It is unfortunate since we have so much to talk to them about. Islam and its vast sea of content is just swirling around, waiting for us to jump and dip our hands into these precious knowledge to hand down to our offspring. Children are also amazingly forgiving. They have no DENGKI, DENDAM, HASAD, KESUMAT....they are pure and sincere. So, do not taint them with our weaknesses and bad habits. STOP THE NEGATIVE CYCLE NOW! We are already passing down our bad genes e.g. if we have Diabetes. Don't pass down our bad thoughts as well. Instead, let them be everything we always wanted to be (but wasn't) when we were their age. Let them be strong, intelligent, forgiving, understanding and most of all, let them feel no matter what happens to the world, their mom and dad will always love them.
