We are individuals and we do not need to compare ourselves to others but we do need to work together to have a functional society

I am reading this book by Jordan Peterson ’12 rules of life’. It has been a long time since I’ve actually read a proper book, one that I can touch and turn the pages. Most of the time, I am reading scientific papers in scientific journals or hundreds of pages of thesis. Anyway, a good book makes a person think, and stimulates thoughts and ideas. It opens up other avenues of possibilities as an explanation as to ‘why’ or ‘how’. I love his book as well as listening to his lectures. I have been philosophising all of my life and it is great to be around those who do. 

Anyway, in one of the chapters he talks about the child and how as a child, we are dependent on others, not just in our physical needs but also in our social needs, the need to compare ourselves to others, as a standard, to test the boundaries of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ behaviours or socially acceptable etiquettes. However, as we grow and blossom into adulthood, we start to formulate our own individuality and no longer require that need to compare ourselves, our lives or our achievements to others because we recognize that each and everyone’s lives are unique and different, and that success cannot be measured in a unidimensional fashion. Instead, our lives are multidimensional, composed of our family, career, friends, hobbies and so many aspects. It would be quite inappropriate to simply look at one dimensional and come to a conclusion that one’s person life is better than another. We could make a general comparison that perhaps, a person living in a warzone faces many more challenges than one living in peace. That might be an understatement. I am not talking about that. I am talking about those living within near similar environments and yet, every aspect of our lives are different. Let’s just take the most basic, some people have many siblings maybe even 6 or more and yet, is not close to any one of them, some people may have only 1 or 2 sibling and yet, they are best of friends. How do you compare? How do you say one is better than the other? Hence, there are no comparisons. Just a singular look into each and everyone’s lives, their own strengths and weaknesses.

Individuality is often celebrated in developed societies with advanced thinking. However, in less advanced societies, we find that people are still comparing themselves with others and sometimes, feel the need to bring others down in order to appear ‘more’ than what they are. In actual fact, no one needs to appear ‘more’ than anyone. Good or bad is not determined by what others do but is determined by its quality.  A sweet apple is not sweet, simply because another apple is sour. A sweet apple is sweet because of its intrinsic quality and the ability of the taster to taste that sweetness. This need to compare to others, is a primal behaviour that perhaps occur due to some arrested development. A child who never quite grow up to be confident enough to embrace their individuality and still needs the acceptance and approval of others. Let’s tell our kids and ourselves that It is okay to break away from the norm, to be different, to think differently but it is not okay to disrespect or to bully others. 

If we widen the scope of what is acceptable within the area of mubah (what is allowed in Islam), we would find that maybe our society would be less judgemental and perhaps, people would be happier. If we believe there is only one cake left in this one cake shop, we will all be fighting for that one cake; not realizing outside of that cake shop, there are a hundred other cake shops with various other cake selections and icing. If we believe that success is only unidimensional, then no one would ever be happy. In his book, he also talks about how no matter how good a person is at something, there will always be someone who would be better. Most people will admit Schumacher as the best F1 driver of all time because he won the title 7 times, but many will argue it was Senna or perhaps Hamilton. I told my daughter about this concept, and she asked me, ‘well, if whatever you do, there will always be someone who is better, then who is the best?’ I replied, ‘Ronaldo’ (with a smile). 

Anyway, I am not saying I am right about all these thoughts. I’m just expressing it. When I was growing up during my primary school years, I moved from Convent Kajang to SK Subang Jaya. My friends and classmates, were unique and identifiable in their characters. I felt that life in Malaysia had so much colour. It was as if ‘shiny happy people’ was playing on repeat in the background. We were smart, we were hardworking but we were also naughty and sometimes, feisty; but we looked out for one another. We had no problems speaking our minds, expressing our thoughts, sharing jokes or being sarcastic, but we always respected one another. Bullying was almost unheard of, at least where I was from. I think being 12, and growing up, we were really able to explore our individuality and among friends, there was a lot of acceptance as well as respect. 

Back then, individuality was celebrated but today, I see kids and there’s no spark in their eyes. They wear the same uniform, the girls wear the same headscarf, and they even look the same sometimes which is scary. They are expected to do the same things, say the same things and hardly ever question authorities in an intelligent manner. Where’s is the life? Colours? Originality? Even the music is just the same beat. Where is New Wave or Metal or Blues or Rock? And despite Medicine, Engineering, and Law spewing out 100s and 1000s of new graduates each year, some with no job to go to, we still brainwash our kids to pursue those careers instead of pursuing their dreams. Sometimes parents and teachers are afraid and we think that their passion will not provide them with job security. Well, in this economic situation, what is job security? Dreams are good, as long as we give our kids the pathway to make it happen, to make it real. The message we should give young people is not, do this subject because you will make more money but go out there and pursue your passion, as long as it is halal, but be prepared to work your damn asses off. That is what everyone will have to do. 

At a time where teenagers’ lives are ruled by gadgets and entertainment, the reality is they have to work harder than we ever had because beyond these four walls that we provide for them, this safe haven, life is a jungle and everyone is fighting to survive. I am not talking about fighting one another, I am talking about fighting against the cold harsh environment, the economic crisis, the crazy rules and laws that are hell bound in trying to make this already complicated life more difficult, the corrupted ideas, the drum machine and bad lyrics, politicians that only God knows what they’re talking about or doing, manipulative media and so much more. 

Hence, more than ever they don’t need enemies. People don’t actually need to fight one another, or bully one another, or to compare themselves to one another, to push anyone down instead. We are individuals and we should be celebrating our individuality. We do not need to fit into the norm and be like everyone else. We do not need to label people, but we do need to work together in order to be a functional society.

Enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl6s1x9j4QQ
Led Zep Black Dog

Adam was not perfect, he was human and so are all of us.

I have been teaching my son tilawah al Qur’an and sometimes, when we come across the stories of the Prophet, I would talk to him about it. I was thinking about the story of Adam, his wife Hawa and how they were seduced by Iblis to eat from the forbidden tree. It so happened that when I visited my mom last week, she mentioned something about it and it led to a conversation. 

For those of you who do not know, the Malay culture has this kind of ‘fatalistic’ approach when it comes to religion. One often hears things like “who are we compared to so and so…” or “If some religious person can do such and such, how can we avoid blah…blah…blah.” Anyway, I hate that kind of fatalistic approach towards religion; same goes to this notion of “who am I…”...”I am not good enough”. I am not saying we should go around thinking ourselves so great or good or whatever, but just try and be positive and to have faith and hope in God rather than to keep bringing oneself down.

So, along these fatalistic lines, my mom said “If Adam can be seduced by Iblis to disobey God, well…who are we?” I knew she meant well but I told her this: that is not how we should look at it. That is not the lesson that God wanted us to take from that story. Adam was the first human, the best of creation that God even commanded the angels to bow down to Adam so, why should we bring ourselves so low to the level that we are fatalistic and have no chance whatsoever to redeem ourselves or be anything better?

I told her this; For each and every creation, there is a nature to it, an attribute; like metal is hard or cotton is soft.

God told us the story of Adam, the first human to make us understand our nature, the nature of a human being. A human being is weak, he makes mistakes, he is easily influenced and easily seduced by the devil or bad things, but he has the realization, he knew that he made a mistake, he realised that he had done wrong and he repented, he turned back to God and asked for forgiveness. That is what makes us amazing, it is our humbleness, our acceptance of our weakness and our ability to turn to repent and to change and make ourselves better.

On the contrary, Iblis was a strong believer and worshipper of God but when God commanded him to bow to Adam, he refused and thus, he became a transgressor. I asked my son, why was it that Iblis became a disbeliever when he disobeyed God and yet, when Adam disobeyed God, he was chastised and yet, he was not regarded as a disbeliever? Was God being unfair? He thought for a while but came to this conclusion. Iblis deliberately disobeyed God out of his ego and pride. He felt he was right because he arrogantly claimed that he was better than Adam. He was made from fire whereas Adam was made from clay. He never admitted he was wrong, he never repented, his arrogance made him a disbeliever.

In Adam’s case, his act of disobedience was caused by weakness, of being seduced and influenced and as soon as he committed the act, he realised it was wrong and he felt ashamed and regretful, he repented and asked for forgiveness. It wasn’t borne out of arrogance but out of weakness. Hence, it was considered a wrongful act, but not an act of disbelief.

At this age of 40+ I often tell people who are close to me, I am too old to play games and to deal with people who are arrogant. I value honesty, humbleness and respect. Just be honest, if you want something, ask; if you are not happy about something, say and if you don’t get what you want, deal with it. Stop being a brat.

I have come across some people who want to act like they are ‘perfect’ and in that attitude of grandiosity, they start blaming everyone else and try to bring others down just so that they think they can hide their weakness. In reality, they are far from it and the worse thing is, everyone else can see it. Just because people do not say anything, doesn't mean they agree. Most of the time, people just don't care! 

But let's be honest, everyone knows there is no such thing as ‘perfection’ in human and often, the one who tries too hard to be ‘perfect’ is usually the one who is most unfulfilled because they are trying to be something that is not in anyone's nature whereas the one who just embraces their life whatever it is, happy or crappy and all; is the one who is often most fulfilled.

God has shown us from the very start of human life; in Adam and his wife, Hawa even before they were transported to earth, that humans are weak and imperfect. In fact, if we think about the story and what actually drove them to eat from that forbidden tree in the first place? How did Iblis managed to convince them to eat from the forbidden tree? What was the trick that he used?

He told them that God did not want them to eat from the tree because it would turn them into angels, into immortals…in other words they would become ‘perfect’ or what they perceive as ‘perfection’. Ironic that human beings yearn to be ‘perfect’ and yet, it is our flaw, our weakness, our mistakes that made us ‘special’.

The thing I love about the Adam and Hawa story is just how much it truly highlights the human behaviour and how it encourages us to be human, to embrace our imperfection and to strive to be better, to seek forgiveness and to repent. I often tell my kids, get to know yourself, everything that is good about you and everything that is bad about you. Whatever that is good, enhance it, encourage it and whatever that is bad, and whatever you don’t like about yourself, you must accepted it first, before you can change it, manage it so that you can be a better person. Don't live your life in denial. Don't live your life pretending to be something that you are not. Don’t hate yourself. 

It is only from acceptance that we can change and overcome our weakness. Take a person who is disabled, like our para-olympians. How do they manage to overcome their disability to become successful in what they do? To achieve what seems like the impossible, even more than majority of those who do not have those disability in the first place? It is not from denying who they are and the disabilities that they have. Rather, it is from accepting the disability and finding ways to overcome it, to manage it, to use it as a strength.

I tell my kids that we have power and control only over ourselves and that is actually the only power that we have. None of us have power or control over anyone else. We can try to influence people but we may not succeed but if we can control our own self, our desires (nafs), our behaviour and attitude, then that is success.

I think annoyance is those people who display hypocrisy. They do things to others and yet, fail to see it in themselves. They criticize others and yet, fail to see those same characteristics in themselves. They are horrible and disgusting towards others and yet, when the same befalls on them, they shout and scream like 3-year olds. I don't know if it is the inability to self-reflect, low mentality or just arrested development. To me, if you hate something in someone then don’t be that. Be just. 

I told my kids that I am hardly ‘religious’ as such but to me, religion gives me principles and we need to have principles to hold on to, to guide us in making decisions, in determining good and bad, right and wrong. We need something strong and stable to hold on to; and the principles of justice is important. We cannot apply one rule to ourselves and another to everyone else because no one owes us any favours and no one gives a shit. If you are rude to people, they will be rude to you. If you treat people badly, they will treat you badly. If you are kind to people, they will be kind to you. Take a simple gesture, just try, when you walk down the street and sometimes, you catch someone’s eye, smile! 99% of the time the other person will smile back. The people are a reflection of who you are. If you have no one you can trust, it is probably because no one trust you.

So, hold on to what God says; let go of fatalistic views.  Learn from what God has told us about our nature. Be honest. Be reflective. Recognize your own flaws. Be repentant, be human.