My thoughts on vernacular schools and my disappointment of not having that mixed environment for my children

The thing I used to love about my schooling days is the friends I made. Friends that until today I keep in touch with, some we still meet up from time to time and thanks to social media, most of my school friends are my virtual friends. During those days, all races would go to the Sekolah Kebangsaan (National school) and looking back at my official class photo, 60% were Chinese with the rest Malay and Indians (I was in the best class). Yet, at the time I never noticed race. They were simply my classmates.

Then I returned to Malaysia in 2010 and was adamant to send all of my kids to Sekolah Kebangsaan rather than private schools. I wanted them to experience the things that I experienced but it was a shock to me. The Sekolah Kebangsaan was filled with one-race only, at most 90% were from the Malay ethnicity. I couldn’t understand how as a nation, we became like this. I thought 60 years on from independence, we would have more unity, be more integrated and more understanding of one another’s culture and heritage but instead we have become more race-centric than ever before.

I started to do my own little research to find out when or how this happened and this was my startling conclusion.

http://anotherbrickinwall.blogspot.my/2008/12/abolish-vernacular-schoools-mukhriz.html

http://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/category/nation/2016/09/06/mca-dont-repeat-mistake-of-eradicating-english-schools/

https://www.nst.com.my/news/2016/11/188199/mca-appeals-najib-establishment-more-chinese-vernacular-schools

https://www.thestar.com.my/opinion/columnists/thinking-liberally/2016/09/27/vernacular-schools-not-the-problem-please-keep-element-of-choice-for-both-parents-and-students/

You will find a lot of arguments and counter arguments on pros and cons of vernacular schools but in truth, the real political struggle in maintaining and promoting vernacular schools were championed by the MCA.

Lim Kit Siang himself, it seems was opposed to vernacular schools.

https://blog.limkitsiang.com/2011/06/09/vernacular-education-in-malaysia/

First of all, let’s look at the origins of vernacular schools and the vision of our leaders who set up Malaysia in 1955.

HISTORY OF EDUCATION IN MALAYSIA

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Education_in_Malaysia

You can read about it here but the main point I wanted to take from this is that Vernacular schools was created by the British but when Malaysia achieved independence, we needed to form a national identity with a standardized national curriculum. There were those who disagreed and wanted English to be the medium. Why English? That is not our natural language but we needed a language for communication therefore, Malay and English become the main stream language.

Now, let’s go back to The Razak Report which was agreed in 1956 and is the basis of the education system in Malaysia.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Razak_Report

Briefly, the Malaysian education system provides for Malay and English (National school), Chinese and Tamil (Vernacular) schools at primary school level and Malay and English schools at secondary school level. (Other schools such as Islamic schools, madrasah are all either privately owned, charity or after school err…school and NOT part of the National curriculum). Other aspects of the Razak report states the formation of a single system of national education, commencement of a Malayan-orientated curriculum, concept of single system of evaluation for all and recognition of the objective of making Bahasa Malaysia the main medium of instruction. 

The main argument of those who support vernacular school is the fear of erosion of the culture of a particular race in Malaysia. I absolutely agree. In fact, I believe that not only the Chinese or Indian culture that has been eroded but also the Malay culture has been eroded due to influence of Western culture as well as Islamic extremism. Therefore, my personal view is to support the preservation of culture (the good aspects of culture such as language, heritage, history, music, traditional dances, clothing etc. but not the bad aspects of culture).

However, Malaysians hold something in common. We share a common history and irrespective of wherever your ancestors come from, we fought for the independence of this country and this week, we fought for the choice of the people, to get rid of corruption and restore the rule of law with a different government. 

My question IS VERNACULAR SCHOOL THE ONLY WAY WE CAN THINK OF FOR PRESERVING OUR CULTURE?

I don’t think so. In fact, I would imagine 60 years since independence we should have moved forward by having Malay and English as a proficient language as well as Chinese (Mandarin) or Tamil in all schools. Our children should grow up being trilingual if not more. Even for those who support Islamic school, we can provide all children with opportunity to take either Mandarin, Tamil or Arabic.

In National schools, the Muslim children learn Islamic studies while the other children learn Moral studies, why can’t the other children learn about their own culture, heritage or religion at the same time? Perhaps, it might be a bit complicated because some are Christians, some Buddhist, some Sikh and some Hindus hence, perhaps these could be integrated into cultural classes and parents can choose which is more suitable for their children. If a vernacular school is teaching a particular ‘culture’ to the children I am sure this can be incorporated into National schools to cater for those same children.

The other argument is that National schools are becoming too Islamic and making those from other religions uncomfortable. In a multiracial society, we do not need to force a religion upon others. However, Islam is the official religion of this country and during my days in school, I doubt Islam became overtly visible in schools as it is today. If we need to splatter prayers on school buildings then perhaps we could include some Chinese or Indian writings on the walls as well. That is a part of becoming a mature society.

I will write a different blog on Islamic education system because it is too much to write here.

The most important argument is just think back to your school days, our friends and the time we spent in schools make us whom we are today. We need one another. Every race in Malaysia contributes to the development and the shaping of positive attitude and thinking of our future generation. Our children need healthy competition. Not too much or they will suffer from tremendous stress and not too little or they will become complacent. All the different races are there to keep the balance.

Honestly, I do not have an answer or a solution but simply my thoughts and view on the matter. I do hope that the new government will foster a better race relations for all Malaysians to get to know one another and be friends again.

Thank you Tun Dr Mahathir for this greatest gift of all: Teaching us how to govern.

I would like to thank Tun Dr Mahathir for his greatest gift to Malaysia which is sharing his experience of governing the country. Since the moment he was sworn into government, he has taken the time to inform the public via press conference and press release of each step that he has taken to set up the government and the ruling of this country. 

I am so honoured to be one of those who can experience this event and I urge all young people to take this opportunity to learn, to understand and to be inspired by this 92-year old man who is still so energetic with a sharp mind and wit. 

I have taken the liberty to keep a record (as much as I can) of the chronological events that happened since Tun Mahathir took over the PM job. 

9/5/2018

Voting for Malaysia PRU14

10/5/2018

Official results for Malaysia PRU14 @ 3.30 am.

@ 11 am Then PM, Najib press statement and announce PH has won the election and change in government.

The Public awaits with anticipation for the swearing in of our 7^th PM with various news and gossips going around with regards to the delay. Finally,

@ 10 pm Tun Mahathir sworn as Prime Minister of Malaysia

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=tun+mahathir+angkat+sumpah&&view=detail&mid=78B07E178BE3B92C45E878B07E178BE3B92C45E8&&FORM=VRDGAR

11/5/2018

Tun Mahathir announce key ministries (Free Malaysia Today) – 10 ministries

The official ceremony of swearing in state ministers was happening in most states including MB Selangor, Kelantan, Terengganu, Melaka, Kedah, N. Sembilan, Melaka & Johor. (Still waiting for Perlis and Pahang – The Sultan of Pahang has announced it will be held next week)

Tun Mahathir directs to probe into four government official, Ketua Peguam Negara (Mohamad Apandi Ali), Ketua polis negara (Tan Sri Khalid Abu Bakar), SPRM (Tan Sri Dzulkifli Ahmad) and Pengerusi (Tan Sri Mohamad Hashim Abdullah)

YDP Agong willing to give pardon to Dato’ Seri Anwar Ibrahim.

12/5/2018

@12.42 Harian Metro reported that the Jabatan Imigresen Malaysia has confirmed the black listing of Dato’ Sri Najib Tun Abdul Razak and Datin Sri Rosmah from leaving the country.

@17.00 Former PM officially announce his resignation as UMNO president and Barisan Nasional Chairman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLNIv9Kkykg

@17.00 The official swearing in ceremony of MB Perak after Sultan Nazrin Shah called for quick formation of state government.

(Press conference) Tun Mahathir announced the Deputy PM Wan Azizah, and three crucial ministers; Lim Guan Eng (Finance), tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin (Home Minister), Mohamad Sabu (Defence Minister).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx4npuLl3Hg

Council of Elders: Tun Daim Zainuddin (former Finance Minister), Tan Sri Zeti Aziz (Former Bank Negara Governor), Tan Sri Hassan Merican (Petronas CEO former), Robert Kuok (HK based Malaysian Tycoon), Jomo Kwame Sundaram (Economic expert). (The Star on line Malaysia)

Tun M confirms enough evidence to probe 1MDB

https://www.msn.com/en-my/news/national/malaysias-mahathir-says-enough-evidence-to-reopen-1mdb-probe/ar-AAx9Qwe?ocid=spartanntp

Sabah: Shafie Afdal sworn as chief minister of Sabah after confusion between BN and Warisan party. (Still a bit confused actually)

https://www.msn.com/en-my/news/national/i’m-the-rightful-cm-of-sabah-says-shafie/ar-AAxacli?ocid=spartanntp

13/5/2018

Tony Fernandes, Air Asia boss publicly apologize for his support towards BN few days before election.

Lim Guan Eng promise to rid of GST after official appointment

Najib confirms that he will stay in the country and abide by the government’s orders. Also his residence was put under heavy guard.

https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2018/05/malaysia-najib-razak-quits-umno-party-hit-travel-ban-180512084246747.html

https://www.msn.com/en-my/news/national/syed-saddiq-airasia-boss-a-‘secret-hero’/ar-AAx7phK?ocid=spartanntp

https://www.msn.com/en-my/news/national/why-wasn’t-rafizi-at-the-meeting-of-ph-heads/ar-AAxbsCd?ocid=spartanntp

14/5/2018

Tun Dr Mahathir chair a meeting with ministry secretaries-general to explain functions and roles of the new government.

Also, scheduled to meet Sultan of Brunei later today.

The issue of Muslim conversion

Just want to share my thoughts with regards to M Indira Ghandhi's kids conversion I know it is a legal matter Shariah vs Federal court; so I am not going to comment on the technicalities neither am I commenting specifically about this case but as a Muslim, this much I know about my religion.  

1. Malaysia is not an Islamic state 

Don't be surprised with this statement. Anyone who claims otherwise is naive. Why? It is clear for any sane mind there are two legal / justice system. That clearly makes Malaysia a secular country with the 'official' religion as Islam and where certain parts of Islamic laws are implemented and applicable to Muslims in terms of marriage, divorce, custody, inheritance etc...but the highest rule of law is man made; a constitution left to us from the British and independence. A true Islamic state will not have two justice system, just like Prophet Muhammad never implemented any other law but Islamic law in Makkah and Medinah even towards non-Muslims and that is why the non-Muslims are known as Dhimmis (non Muslim citizens of the Islamic state). So stop kidding ourselves and perhaps even if Muslims wanted to implement total Shariah, they can't because they don't even know how. First of all, the entire system has to change and even the appointment of the ruler (Khalif) has to be different. Find out more for yourselves. Definitely, Islamic state is not Taliban version or ISIS which has so far been the most inaccurate representation of Islam ever...I am digressing, in conclusion Malaysia is not an Islamic state hence these kind of situations i.e. Mrs M Indira ghandhi's case is bound to happen where Shariah court says one thing and then is over ruled by the Human own mind's court. 

2. As far as Islamic law is concerned (even without the state), a child born to Muslim parents is Muslim. A child born to Muslim father and non-Muslim mother is a Muslim. However, a child born to non-Muslim parents and then after birth, the father or mother converts, what should we do? Truth is...I don't know the nitty-gritty of the Shariah ruling but I can only think of the story of Ali (The Prophet's cousin). Ali was only 9 years old (same age as Indira's youngest child) when the Prophet invited him to Islam, Ali said he wanted to go and ask his father, Abi Talib first. So the next day he came back to the Prophet and said he wanted to become Muslim, the Prophet asked, so you have asked your father? and Ali said no, he hasn't but he was thinking about it and he thought God created him without his father's permission so why should he ask for his father's permission to worship the God that created him. Therefore, does a child need the permission of his parents to convert to Islam? Not from this story it seems as the Prophet Muhammad did not chastise him or told him to go and get his father's permission.

Perhaps some would say...Oh my God! that is terrible! How can one say that?

3. Well, what makes a Muslim in a first place.

Having a piece of paper that says "Islam" in the religion column does not make one a Muslim. That is just official stuff. If a father who converts goes to the authorities and unilateral "converts" his children to Islam, does that make them Muslim? Maybe if they were babies but don't Islam have the different ages when one becomes 'Mumaiyiz' and becomes 'Baligh'. If a child like Ali can decide for himself, can think for himself that he doesn't need anyone's permission, not his dad, not his mother, not the president or the leader of Quraysh for him to become a Muslim, what does that tell us?

What makes a Muslim is his or her belief. If one believes that Allah is the ONE true God, there is no other God but Him and that Muhammad is the last and final prophet, then he or she is a Muslim. This is the Aqeedah. This is all one needs to be a Muslim. So, Indira's children are now 20,19 and 9 years old, surely they can decide by now whether they believe or do not believe. I don't know the full story, did they take the Shahadah or not or whatever but it can work either way; if it is true that the father converted them 10 or however many years ago without their presence, how does that make them a Muslim? and at the same time, if they believe in Allah and that Muhammad is the Messenger of God then the courts can revoke their conversion all it wants, they are still Muslim. In fact during the time of the Prophet, there were many Muslims in Makkah who were afraid to be open about their belief in fear of persecution but they were Muslims. We are now in Malaysia, a country that Islam is supposed to be the official religion, so no one should be persecuted for their belief in Islam.

I don't want to discuss about the technicalities or the laws etc...etc...but I do want to hear scholars / uztaz or all those who are verse in Islam to discuss these issues with the public. Islam is about our belief, and without a doubt if one beliefs in Allah, the Creator and the One who sent the Qur'an to Muhammad then, he or she is a Muslim. What other definition do we want?

A piece of certificate or whatever is a formality, to apply for schools or getting married, or whatever benefit of this world but that is what it is. It is important but only for that purpose. In the hereafter, we do not need our IC or our birth certificates or a certificate that says we are Muslim, we only need what we believe in our hearts. 

Just my two cents.

MUSIC FOR THE MASSES

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVME_l4IwII&spfreload=5

So, it is all true, when you keep telling your kids that today's music just ain't the same, in fact, it ain't 'music' to the ears at all. Music has influenced my life from a very tender age. My mom was a hard core fan of Elvis, P Ramlee and Saloma and my dad introduced me to classical music, the likes of Beethoven, Bach, Schubert and Tchaikovsky. My brother used to watch 'Top of the pops' and he introduced me to my most favourite genre, New Wave, the likes of Depeche Mode, Duran Duran, New Order, OMD, Thompson Twins, Yazoo and more.

As I grew older, friends introduced me to punk rock and heavy metal and so, I expanded my listening skills to include Faith No More, Metallica, Helloween, Iron Maiden and the ilk. Growing up, music inspired me in so many ways that I believe children today may not be so fortunate.

Listening to 'Love is a battlefield' at a tender age, it made me want to be tough, independent and to fight for my rights as a woman. My most favourite song to listen to when I felt down was 'Never surrender' written by Corey Heart. Music and lyrics that highlighted the flaws in the system and the inequality influenced me to think about the rights and wrongs of this world, such as 'People are people', 'Everything counts' and 'Ruined in a day'.

I even improved in my vocabulary through music and the bands, I really wanted to know what Manoeuvers meant in 'Orchestra Manoeuvers in the Dark', Most of these bands also liked to name themselves according to historical objects or events such as the 'Foo fighters' and Ú2'. Foo fighters was the term used by the Allied aircraft pilots to describe 'UFO' or mysterious aerial phenomenon as they flew above those European and Pacific areas. 'U2' is a name of a US spy plane. The song 'Enola Gay' refers to the B-29 bomber that dropped the first atomic bomb ever, onto Hiroshima. Enola Gay was the name of the pilot's mother and the bomb was code-named 'little boy' hence, the lyrics of the song says, "Enola Gay, was momma proud of little boy today..."

Not to mention all the lyrics that actually talks about historical events such as the infamous 'Winds of change'. I just can't believe some kids nowadays have never heard of that song, and don't even understand the significance of the fall of the Soviet Union or the Berlin wall, how it has affected their lives and made the world even more of a mess today than it ever was during the cold war.

Listening to all these songs growing up made me interested to learn about the world, to understand why things were the way they were. Listening to the Rage against the machine, it felt in line with my inner self, that yearn for justice and equality, a fight against injustice and corrupt policies. That is why people like us can never be mainstream. Many of these bands draw inspiration from previous bands, that used to have an impact on society such as the Sex Pistols with their anti-government stance. Music and lyrics used to be a medium of expressing oneself, expressing dissatisfaction and disgruntlement towards policies and systems. Maybe for today's generation, it felt like rhetoric but for our generation, it was within our hearts and soul.

Growing up, apart from the mainstream Tommy page songs, I hardly listen to 'love songs' and love songs are often associated with love themes from the movies such as 'Take my breath away' from Top Gun or 'Almost paradise' from Footloose. Love songs are okay but in small doses...not the way it is just being churned out like some kind of M&Ms nowadays. We had those kind of teen pop monkey love songs from Kylie, Jason Donovan and 'We could be together...for a  while' Debbie Gibson. Okay, they were cute,  happy, cheerful songs but nobody ever took them seriously as 'music' or 'musicians'. I mean when people talk about musicians they spoke of Bob Dylan, David Bowie, Led Zeppelin, Sting and all those singer and song writers. Nowadays, the charts are just full of the same ole' thing and I just want to know, what are we doing to our kids?

Leadership: I will follow my faith and not the MALAYSIAN way.

You would think that Muslims would have a better idea about what leadership means and what kind of leader they want to have, after all we have a rich history of great leaders arising from the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) himself, to the four righteous Khalifs, even Muawiyah was a great leader and so many others including Muhammad al Fatih, Tariq bin Ziad, Sallehuddin Al-Ayubi and yet, we find ourselves being lead by not so 'great leaders' of today.

I think the main reason is because Muslims have completely lost their way in terms of their capacity to think and make judgment. We see things in flat dimensions, focusing on individual actions and personalities e.g. with the idea that an Islamic leader has to look 'Islamic' and have to be soft spoken, kind and yet, we fail to identify the shrewdness and political awareness of our great leaders in the past including our Prophet himself.

On the other hand, when it comes to political leaders, we place them upon a pedestal and feel the need to 'please' and follow without question despite their lack of sense and better judgment. The main culprit I think are those who have this infatuation with leadership positions. They are too blinded by power and prestige that they fail to realize that leadership is nothing but a responsibility. You find that when these same people whom might be struck 'lucky' to obtain that leadership position they so crave, they suddenly expect others to treat them with awe and they demand to be put upon a pedestal they way they put others upon a pedestal. Honestly, I think it is about time we put an end to ass-kisses.

I was brought up differently and I admired leaders who were themselves, before, after and when they were leaders. My Dean when I was at Medical school was Professor Adrian Eddleston, the Dean of King's College School of Medicine and Dentistry and he became the Dean of Guys, St Thomas, King's Hospital, Medical school. He was the most humble, cheerful and friendly man I have ever met. He used to sit with students in the cafeteria, asked us how we were doing and when we sat in his clinic, he would take the time to get to know us. The thing was I don't think he was faking it or doing it to gain popularity but that was just how he was. He was that type of person and most importantly, he was a good problem solver. To me, that is what makes a great leader, someone who takes responsibility and solves problems to achieve a common objective.

I have met so many humble, down to earth, just really good leaders in my working life and I know what kind of person I want to be. I am me, whether I am a leader, a mother, a wife, a daughter. I do believe however that we should give respect and take respect. We should respect everyone irrespective of their position and when I first got back to Malaysia, people said to me that I can't treat everyone the same, that Malaysia is different and that if I were to treat everyone the same then people would step all over me. They said to me that in Malaysia, leadership is hierarchal and I should not 'give face' to those under my position.

However, I refuse to be that kind of person and it wasn't because I was naïve or that I didn't believe them but I had a principle and to me, principle is everything. I hold on to the principle of Islam when the Prophet Muhammad said in his last sermon, he said many things but one of it was "All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action." 

I believe in equality and justice. I believe that if you want to respect people, respect everyone and if you want to treat people like shit, then treat everyone like shit. We shouldn't discriminate. I believe that there is no superiority and I hate positions, titles, royalties and anything to do with seeing oneself more superior just because one is born into a particular family. (This doesn't mean that I hate the individuals who are in positions, have titles or royalties per se but I hate the concept and those who make such a big deal about it) I believe this because our Prophet Muhammad says so and he has the authority to say so. Therefore, I believe this with all of my heart and I hold on to it and I will not change my principle just because I am put in another environment. I will not change my belief just because now I am in Malaysia and it so happens that a FEW people in Malaysia choose to be idiots.

Yes, it is true that I had one or two individuals who did step over me but that is less than 1% out of all those who did not, who valued my principles and treated me with more respect because of my stand. As for that less than 1% who did not know how to reciprocate respect, in truth they choose to be idiots. I say they choose to be because it is a choice. You can be whatever type of person. God gave us all a mind to think and we can all elevate our own thinking but sometimes, people choose to entertain their psychological trauma, low self-esteem, perhaps jealousy or inadequate personality that betrays their better judgment.

In a way, I am disappointed because despite God presenting us with the best of example (uswatun hasanah) and yet, we choose not to follow the footstep of Prophet Muhammad  and instead to have a 'jakun' mentality when it comes to leadership.

When 'Despacito' became a bad word

I don't follow all these new music and artist but sometimes I hear it from my kids. Don't get me wrong, I love music and I grew up listening to all sorts of music from classical to heavy metal. However, my favourite genre is New Wave. I have always been deep into Depeche Mode from the age of 10 years old and then, I met my husband and few other friends who introduced me to Metallica, Faith No More, Helloween and all those heavy metal bands. However, my soul resides in those 80s synthesizers like OMD, New Order, Simple minds, Thompson Twins and the ilk.

I think the first person ever influenced me in music was my mom. She was into Elvis Presley like totally big time. She had all his albums including those Christmas ones. She was also into P Ramlee and Saloma. My dad had all these old records and he was into classical music like Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Vivaldi and oldies like Andy Williams, Frank Sinatra in which I probably listened to those records more than he ever did. Then, it was my brother who introduced me to New Wave. I don't know...the sound, the beat and everything about it just captivated me. That began my love affair with British music.

So, here I am in my 40s and I keep telling my kids that "they don't make music the way they used to" and then my kids told me this hoo-haa about this Justin Bieber song "Despacito" and apparently it is so BAD that it needs to be banned in radio stations. Well, apart from the song being completely annoying and it plays in your head like worse than 'pen, pineapple, apple, pen' or 'A-yam Mee' song. I think it is overrated. The lyrics is supposed to be about 'sex' and which songs nowadays are not about sex, drugs or whinny annoying heart-broken love? We don't really get songs like, "Rasputin", "Blasphemous rumours" about lyrics that actually discusses life or historical figures anymore, do we? I mean some young people today have never even heard of the song, "Winds of change" or even know what it is about or even realize communism was not a myth!

This song "Despacito" is not even a new song. It is a remix version of the original song written by a Puerto Rican singer. So, why suddenly the big fuss just because Justin Bieber now sings part of it. Why suddenly it needs to be banned? So, I became curious and watched the original video and the Bieber remix video with my kids. Yes, we watched it all together. There was a lot of skin, showing off butt and sexy dancing. I must say the Bieber version was gross but the original Latino version had Salsa in it. I explained to my kids that it is a cultural thingy. It is part of the Latino culture that they have Salsa and yes, it is sexy but Latino have a very sexy culture. They were brought up that way. That was why they made that movie 'Lambada the forbidden dance'. I mean Puerto Rico is one of those islands near South America and South America is like, you have Brazilians and Argentinians who can swerve their hips and play great football at the same time. Obviously, if we Malays try to emulate that kind of Latino culture or to reproduce that kind of sexy Latino dance, it will look ridiculously odd and perhaps even a valid reason to produce projectile vomiting. < PIUK>

Every nation and people have their own culture. Then, we 'youtubed' some Brazilian cultural dance and watched this kind of Brazilian parade and my kids could see it themselves. I mean it was colourful with men and women wearing leaves and feathers with not much else on and my son was like "Wow! Brazil is such a cool place! It is so happening! I wanna live there"

I think the message I wanted them to get is that every nation have their own culture and we need to understand their culture and to realize that yes, it is sexy but they have a sexy culture. We don't have that kind of sexy culture. We have our own culture, in this country Malays, Chinese and Indians have our own culture so don't try to be something else. The Malays have joget, zapin, ulek mayang or wayang kulit that we should be proud of because it is artistic and beautiful. And for my kids and their half British culture, well...the British are not sexy either but they have their own traditional culture of Royal families, political satire and the British make great music since the era of the Beatles. The British invasion was not just in the way they colonized the world but also with their great music the likes of the Rolling stones, the Police, The Cure, Bob Geldof, Led Zeppelin, the Eagles even Cyndi Lauper and Culture Club. The British are pretty odd but they are certainly talented.

I don't want my kids to look at the Salsa in that music video and to view it simply as 'sex'. After all, kids will watch and if they don't watch it with us, they will watch it with their friends and God knows what rubbish will fill their heads. Some might find it arousing but without understanding the culture behind the dance and to appreciate it enough to not do stupid things or hurt anyone. Some may find it disgusting and reject totally without understanding that you can dance Salsa and be as sexy as you want with your husband or wife. That is the beauty of Islam, it NEVER says you can't, it says you can but with whom and where. You can be sexy with your spouse in the privacy of your own home. You can fulfil your sexual needs but with the opposite sex and within a legally binding contract (marriage).

Oh...and then people started saying "Despacito" is a bad word...well, it literally means 'slowly'. Should we ban Abba's 'Andante..Andante..' as well, is that about 'slowly' too? What about 'Kyrie eleison', that is a prayer related to the Christian faith. What about Def Leppard's 'Pour some sugar on me' or perhaps, Maroon 5's 'sugar' or One republic's 'counting stars'? What's that all about? - teaching people on how to avoid getting Diabetes? Aww...come on!!!!

In response to 'why overseas Malays are successful'

http://www.msn.com/en-my/news/national/why-overseas-malays-are-successful/ar-AAoNdYx?li=AAaD62f&ocid=spartandhp

I agree with this article. Actually, I believe anyone can succeed anywhere but with the right mind set, determination and attitude; of course with a bit of luck or fate or whatever one wants to believe in. In Islam, we call it God's intervention (Qada' wal Qadr)

Anyway, let's just focus on what we can do instead of what God does because that is not in our control but the choices we make and the things we decide, we do, we act upon is in our control.

I think any people in their own home country tend to mess up. Perhaps in our own home country we feel 'safe'. It is a bit like we feel safe messing up in our own home but when we are outside we feel challenged like we need to work harder. This is human nature and is not exclusive to the Malays. Just look at any other people in this world, they seem to be doing pretty well outside of their own messed up countries.

But...we are talking about Malays here. Not anyone else. I just think it is important to set up a precedent because to claim that only Malays mess up in their own home country is a bit unfair. We can't take the credit for this alone.

Saying that, there are some specific reasons that makes Malays abroad seem to fair pretty well, if not better than at home. Let's look at the obvious.

1. Competition.

Out there when you are outside of Malaysia, you are on your own. You are not going to be treated 'special' or given any 'rights'. You have to fight for your own rights. Also, I notice that Malays do not have this positive competition among themselves. That kind of sportsmanship competitiveness and that desire to achieve more for your own self satisfaction. Things were different when I was growing up because we were in a school with all other races, Chinese, Indians, Punjabis and I felt that positive competitiveness which is lacking in schools today. Healthy competition is a good method of character building and unfortunately, I don't see that in an all-Malay environment. So, I don't agree in segregating schools and language based schools. I think all children should attend Sekolah Kebangsaan but who the hell am I? Just an opinion, that's all.

Amongst themselves, the Malays tend to shy away and to feel awkward when they achieve something or even able to answer a question right or to be able to speak English fluently even though that is expected and nothing to be proud about. When it comes to competition, it often translate into jealousy and 'dengki' type of negativity which is unhealthy in the development of a nation. This negative form of competition needs to be removed because it stifles creativity and achievement. It makes people go out to bring others down, and attend to 'bomoh' to destroy other people's careers and achievement. It should instead be replaced with healthy competition where everyone strive to be better, to achieve more, without bringing anyone else down. If anything, those at the top should help others to go up the ladder and to give motivation.

2. Hierarchy versus transverse leadership

I actually believe in transverse leadership or sometimes known as flatten leadership. As a leader, I want to work with people who know their job scope, know what is expected of them, able to perform their task independently and for the team to work together towards a common objective. A leader is there to guide, take responsibility and to ensure we are all heading towards the right direction. However, this type of leadership can only work when the type of people are those who can lead themselves.

I am pretty fortunate that I do have a team that is self-reliant and are independent thinkers. However, in general the Malays have a very hierarchal approach in leadership. It is often a one man's decision while others are mere followers. Often those at the bottom want to 'please' those at the top. There is a catch-22 situation here. When I came back to Malaysia from the UK, I tried to treat everyone the same irrespective of their position within the University. Unfortunately, there was ONE or TWO individuals who for whatever reason just didn't know how to respect this form of professional relationship. They don't understand that when someone give you respect, you should correspond with respect. These people are very typical and often outdated Malay mentality whom if you treat them with respect they will climb all over your head; and the only way to keep them in their place is to treat them like crap. It is unfortunate for such people because they put themselves in that position.

The other problem is most workers are used to function based on 'standard operating procedure' and are unable to solve daily problems independently. I agree rules and guidelines are important in ensuring there is a viable system but part of achieving a viable system is having those who implement the rules to be able to solve new situations. Whenever a new problem arise within my team or clinic, I love hearing solutions from any member of the team especially from those staff whom are dealing with those problems everyday. I believe, anyone can be creative and can solve problems for the betterment of others.

3. Religiosity

I don't know how to approach this one. It seems like you just can't say anything about religion without being charged a heresy these days yet, I think we have forgotten one fundamental thing. Before we want to pray, fast, avoid the haram and all that stuff we need to truly question and understand our belief as in Why do we believe God exists? Why do we believe the Qur'an is God's words? Knowing these fundamental questions would solve a lot of problem in our daily life because we won't have to argue about can we touch a dog or say the word 'babi' or some truly ridiculous things sometimes that my kids come home and tell me about.

One day I was talking to my daughter and we were actually talking about "najis" and she started spelling the word 'b-a-b-i' instead of saying it and I was like...why are you spelling the word? why can't you say 'babi' after all isn't that what we call that poor animal? I mean it is too bad we ourselves have turned it into a swear word but it is what that animal is right? So, apparently she said her teacher said it is bad to say the word. Well, I had to correct her but that is not the point. Point here is we are so bogged down by such trivial issues that are we really teaching our kids to think? I thought Islam was sent down to elevate man, and to make us the highest thinkers in the history of mankind. Yet, we have descended into herds of sheep and following the words of God knows whoever. Did you read in the newspaper today about a 'Daesh militant disguising himself as a woman to avoid being caught?' Just seems outrages to me how a Daesh militant, someone a few weeks or months ago was like the most feared terrorist organization in the world has now turned into a 'Mak Nyah'; and for what? why did these people went out there to a foreign land to fight and suddenly realizing they have been duped into doing so and by whom? To me, it is a tragedy. It is a tragedy how people sacrificed everything, their family, their jobs or whatever they had or did not have before to go and fight for a cause that now, no one even knows what the hell for? Well...I think we know but that's for another blog story.

Then, you get some people who are so called 'religious' and yet, spend so much time just judging everyone else. I mean did God hire you to be a judge? When I say judge it is like they criticize everyone and almost like fault finding; it is almost as if it is their career, like a food critic or perhaps football analyst. I wonder how much they get paid to do this? One ringgit per critic perhaps or is it one 'dosa' per critic? Why can't people just mind their own business? Are their lives too boring and empty that they have all that time and energy to analyse other people's lives?

Anyway, there you go. I don't believe the Malays are stupid or whatever people say. I believe that the Malays (just like many races out there in their own home country) are simply spoilt and just like those parents who spoil their kids and you know, your kids grow up and they still rely on you for everything...well, I don't claim to have any answers. This is more of a self-reflection and perhaps to stimulate more thought into NOT becoming a nation of spoilt brats.

Strange how Islam seems more confusing in a Muslim country

It is strange how Islam seems more confusing in a majority Muslim country. I suppose living in the West where every thing about your belief is constantly under scrutiny and attack, it propels you to start questioning yourself and to search for the Truth, the complete Truth that has not been tainted by personal opinions and cultural influences. I lived in UK for 17 years of my life and it was in the UK that I ‘found’ Islam. Now back in Malaysia…memories are flooding back at me of what used to distance me from loving this wonderful religion that I am so fortunate to have.

Growing up in Malaysia, I often felt irritated in the way Islam was portrayed to me especially in the expectations of women. I was never one of those who conform to expectations. I refused to become the image of the ‘Muslimah’ that they believed women should be. I had opinions, my own strong ones and I would argue my case until I am satisfied whether I am right or wrong. If I am wrong, I would accept defeat but if I am right, I expect to be acknowledged. I have no problems saying I am wrong but I would not do it without a battle. Yet, a woman was supposed to be ‘submissive’, to obey her husband without question, to bersopan-santun (whatever that means).

In my younger years growing up in Malaysia, I was often misunderstood. Just because I didn’t wear the ‘tudung’ and used to hang out with friends late at night, I was labeled as ‘a lost cause’. It didn’t bother me as I knew (even if no one else knew) that I was not doing anything bad. I did not take drugs, I did not drink alcohol and hanging out with guys was strictly hanging out and nothing more. I had principles. I made sure I completed my homework and I studied like mad. When I was in form five, I made a pledge to study and not go out for the entire year, I studied 8-hours a day at weekends and stopped only to eat, pray, sleep and watch one hour of TV.

I was glad I never went to boarding school. No offence to boarders but I was one of those people who made my own schedule and stick to it. I do not like to be told what to do. The reason for that is because I knew what I wanted to do. Just give me a job and I will do it, I will take it as my own and come up with the product…but let me do it my own way.

Hence, people like me do not conform because we are self- regulators; not because we are ‘outcast’ or trouble makers. Hence, I supposed in a society where everyone is expected to follow and not to question. It was difficult but I learned to keep myself to myself. I held on to the attitude of “I don’t disturb you and you don’t disturb me but if you disturb me, I will give you crap.” Somehow, I managed to maneuver my way through this urban jungle and finally escaped to UK to do my A levels.

When I was in UK during my second year of medical school after going through a period of super rebellion, I met some British Muslim sisters. Ironically, despite my rebellious nature I never missed a prayer. My dad used to say to me “No matter what you do, make sure that you pray.” Hence, I held on to that for dear life.

So, once when I went up to the prayer room at King’s College, I met this Muslim sister. She was a British Pakistani with the sweetest of face. I was not in hijab but I brought my telekong with me. I prayed and then I sat down for a while. She approached me and asked my name. She then started talking to me. I felt amazed how this beautiful wholesome woman would want to talk to me! We started chatting and she told me they will be having an Islamic talk next week and invited me to attend. I had bad experiences with Islamic talks when I was in Malaysia where women were made to feel like second class citizens and men would eventually go to heaven and marry virgins so, I hesitated.

The next week, I came up to pray again and there was a group of Muslim sisters in the prayer room. I prayed quietly in a corner, took off my telekong, still not wearing hijab and was about to leave. They called me and said, “We are having a talk, come with us.” They sort of grabbed my hand and before I knew it I was sitting in the hall. The sister gave her talk and everything…..everything I thought I knew about Islam flew out of the window. I felt WOW!

Her talk was simple, purpose in life…why are we here? She talked about how most of us were born Muslim, told to believe in Allah and accepted what our parents told us. She said, have we ever questioned why? Have we ever thought to ourselves what makes us believe God exist? She talked about the three fundamental questions, where do we come from, where will we be going when we die and why are we here?

 

I was amazed. First of all, I thought “Oh my God! We can question?”

I remembered when I was little in primary school, I had a friend who questioned. The next thing we knew teachers were saying “Astaghfirullah…such an such have become murtad. She questioned is there God!” She became an outcast and no one else questioned.

The problem was, without an answer…without conviction. What kind of believe do we have?

The problem is not with questioning. The problem was NO ONE ANSWERED. I suspect people do not answer and instead over reacted because they probably never questioned and was afraid to ask in case it affected their ‘Aqeedah’ but they did not realize that Aqeedah in Arabic meaning is to ‘bind in a knot’.  It is an UNSHAKABLE belief that cannot be taken away by anything…when you are convinced that GOD EXIST, nothing in the world, even an earthquake or the most horrible thing that happens to you, you will still believe HE EXIST because you have witnessed it with your mind. You have seen around you that something created everything regardless of whether the world is fair or not fair…that is another question but the world is created. It could not have happened by itself.

I sat there in the hall crying my eyes out because all these while I believe…I believe in Allah but I never reaffirmed my belief. For the first time, I reaffirmed my belief by questioning….I know I believe in Allah but why? And for me to answer why….is simple…I look at my hands, my feet, my eyes…I look at the everything around me and that is enough to reaffirm, I believe.

For those who question "Why me, God?" Here's a beautiful quote for enduring a calamity

I read this somewhere and it really helped me so I want to share it with everyone

"When a calamity befalls a believer he begins making dua constantly, but he may not see any sign of response for some time. when he is close to despair Allah the Almighty  looks into his heart to see if he is pleased and content with the decree and not hopeless or discouraged. If this is his situation then the response comes quickly. this contentment and pleasure in Allah's decree is what reforms and fixed the iman as well as destroys syaitan. That moment when the believer is close to despair is when the real men/women are determined. So, be aware of why the response is delayed. Understand that he is the Master and that He is the Most Wise in Planning, the Most Knowing of what will lead to the reformation of His slaves. Know that He wants to put you through trials to test what you hide in your heart and that he wants to see your Humility and that He wants to reward you for your patience. Thus, when the trial begins. The supplications are lengthened and the one in hardship shows his need and takes refuge in Allah. He will be content with everything."

Thank you to whoever you wrote this because before I read this, I failed. It was like I was sitting for an exam but I kept failing because I had no clue how to answer the question. Each time the trial occurred and when things got too much, I started questioning God "why?" and the thing was I knew it was wrong to question "why?" and then I felt guilty for doing so...felt bad about myself and I fell into that downward spiral. However, the amazing thing was that God kept pressing the 'RESET' button and each time I failed, He gave me another chance and then I felt that I was back to square one. After reading the above message, I realized that the 'RESET' button that God pressed for me was a blessing, an opportunity for me to sit for the test again, and again, and again until I finally got it right!

I realized that I had to prove myself. I had to go through the trial and actually remain patient, persevere and to accept the test that He put me through. I had to cleanse and purify my heart from the weaknesses hiding in there, and weaknesses I have in abundance. So, I became determined...to prove my worth to God. The trial I went through took its cause and as it progressed, I started looking forward to reach the deepest darkest part in order to prove my worth, to show my patience and acceptance. Alhamdulillah.

Most of us mere mortals will question 'why?' and we may at that deepest darkest point in life even question our faith or say the TABOO WORDS of 'why me God?, why me?"

When someone reaches that pit. Do not judge them. Do not say "Astaghfirullah! you are a bad person!" or accuse them for lack of iman! In truth, I didn't doubt God. I doubted myself. I doubt that I had the strength to go through such test. I doubt that I was able to come out the other side. We just need to keep reminding each other that "Allah does not burden a soul more than one can bear." Remind each other that nothing ever happens in this universe without His permission. We can say to them that "When God put you through the test, He knows that you can handle it. Yes! insyaAllah you are strong enough and that is why the test was given to you." Sometimes the person just needs words of encouragment, a listening ear or perhaps a helping hand.

NB: Thank you for releasing me. I love you. You are beautiful and amazing. 

Elixir of life and true happiness

"Choose to be happy" the title of a book I'm reading. I love it, it is funny, makes me think and gives me good quotes to share on Facebook. There's this part of the book that talks about acceptance of the aging process but at the same time, do not accept unhappiness as part of it. The author says very simply "Aging is a natural process of life and you are either going to get old or die young - take your pick." but the author also says that we should "never lose the child inside you."

Well, that doesn't mean we must remain childish, spoiled and immature, It just means that we do not have to grow old miserable and bitter. When I think about my life and watching my children grow up, I can't think of a better stage to be in (Alhamdulillah). 

Why not? as a baby or toddler, we hardly knew what's going on and if we're lucky, we would have loving and nurturing parents. As a school aged child, school (no matter how fun) was still a drag. There's homework, studying, stress of exams and school rules! Give me a million pounds, I still wouldn't want to go through all that a second time around. As a teenager, there's peer pressure, finding one's identity, having to conform to what is 'cool' and what isn't. I hated all that "conforming" and at the same time, you either conform or rebel. I chose to rebel. Well, that was not great either. 

Then, going through medical school, I don't know how I survived it. I used to get nightmares even after many years of getting my degree. Yup! nightmares on having to sit for exams. At the same time, there was the stress of finding the "right" person, getting married and finding out whether you're compatible or not. Then, before you know it the baby arrives, there's nappies, milk bottles, waking up at night and baby stains all over your clothes.   

What about working life? Yup! you're having to "prove" your worth and climb up the ladder, there's always some miserable soul out there who is stabbing people from the back and office politics blah blah...at the same time, you work too hard and earn too little and struggling to make ends meet. You're juggling work, house work and babies...and before you knew it, you look in the mirror and you have no idea who is the person staring back at you. 

Finally, you come to a stage where you realize "YOU KNOW WHAT! NOTHING MATTERS THAT MUCH!". You start to slow down and instead of 'chasing' life...why don't you just enjoy the process of living. All your dreams and things in this world that you were chasing after...it is not the ultimate goal. Yes...it is important to have a career, to have family, to have a life partner, to have good friends but after having it all, you realize that the thing that can truly satisfy is the remembrance of Allah SWT and doing things for his sake alone. Do your work well because you want to please Him by fulfilling your obligation as a worker. Look after your children well because you want to gain the reward of being a good mother or father. Treat people well because you want Allah SWT to write you down with good deeds. 

At this stage, you would have found yourself, you know who you are and you know what you want; or at least what you don't want. You know what's important to you and what's not important. You have developed that inner confidence and know your self worth. You no longer bother too much if people like you or not and peer pressure? forget that! You have your principles and you know what is right and wrong especially as a Muslim, Islam has defined it clearly for you. You are not so easily influenced and not bother too much about what people say about you to your face or behind your back. You became more self reflective, if you think you are wrong then you attempt to improve yourself but if you think you are right, then let the whole world say you're wrong and it doesn't matter. 

You take one day at a time, knowing that problems have a way of solving itself as long as you take the pro active measures to work things out. You stop worrying too much because you realize worrying will not help situations, doing practical and necessary steps will. You don't worry about the future because you come to believe and be convinced more and more that the future is in Allah's hands and He determines everything. You only need to fulfill your part of the bargain, which is to carry your responsibility. 

You realize at last that money does not buy happiness. It can buy you food, clothing, shelter, medicine and education, help you pay the bills and transportation which are the essential needs of modern living but it won't buy you happiness. Also, time and time again you come to understand that although accountancy makes perfect sense and budgeting is an important skill but there's also such a thing as "magic". Well, more like Rizk min Allah. Do you ever wonder why if you're feeling tight and struggling financially that you are told to give some money for charity or do a good deed for someone? Well...that is the magic. The more you give, the more God gives you back. 

So, I guess this is growing up...maybe this is what they call maturity. I don't know...but I certainly know that most of us feel comfortable at this stage of our lives Alhamdulillah. So, enjoy life...and do it in the way the follows the guidance (Qur'an and sunnah), be grateful for every single day and every single breath and give attention to little things like birds singing, children's laughter, sipping coffee...all these pleasures in life. 

Shaping our lives with the solat (prayers)

In a hadith (transmission of the Prophet's sayings) it was narrated by Aishah R.A (the Prophet's wife) that the Prophet S.A.W (peace be upon him) said "The two Rak'ah before dawn (fajr) prayer are better than this world and all it contains." [Saheeh Muslim]


When I first came back to Malaysia four years ago, the first thing that awed me was waking up to the sound of the Adhan (the call for prayer). Nowadays I feel I am taking it for granted but I shouldn't. Waking up for the early morning prayer at around 5.50am is an amazing feeling. You get to breathe and enjoy the fresh air. The world is surrounded by serenity and not yet tainted by the hustle and bustle of life. The morning prayer is only two Rak'ah but what struck me about the hadith above is the merits of the two Rak'ah sunnah prayers before the actual obligatory prayer.


For most people like myself we have to mentally prepare for the rat race to get to work by 8 am. We may have to send our children to school, attend meetings, have deadlines or some would be doing groceries shopping, cooking and cleaning the house. Everyday we wake up to face a busy schedule ahead, full of daily chores but just take some time to consider this. Imagine waking up everyday knowing that you have achieved something greater than the whole world and everything in it? (as mentioned in the hadith above)

That would certainly start you off on a positive note and put you in a happy mood. By simply praying two extra Rak'ah you would be able to achieve all that.
 

Islam links all actions with specific concepts and character building exercise. It is unfortunate if we as Muslims simply do the rituals but do not imbibe the concepts to shape our mentality and emotions. Let's just take the prayer. Muslims are obligated to pray five times a day and although there is no argument that the only purpose and intention of our prayer is to worship Allah SWT alone yet, the prayer teaches us many things. It teaches us self discipline, concentration, organization and to do things in a systematic manner. We cannot pray in whichever way we want rather, there are sets of rules and regulations and particular order of things.


As we go through our busy day with tight schedules, we may feel that our 'breaks' for prayer is disruptive. We might become engrossed with work, shopping, watching TV or doing some worldly activities that we may feel burdened by the five prayers. Yet, we often forget the concept that the hereafter is the real life compared to this life which is temporary and only a test. Hence, by leaving the worldly activities to perform our obligatory prayers is a reminder for us that is the true destination, to leave everything to return to Allah SWT, to leave the dunya and concentrate on the real life which is akhirat. It is an affirmation to the concept we already hold in our mind about the next life and what is really important.

May Allah SWT make us and our children, our future generation to perform and LOVE the prayers...Ameen.

The Journey of life: What truly matters?

My grand auntie passed away yesterday in Teluk Intan, Perak. I don't even know exactly how old she was, only that she was old but whenever I saw her, she always had a smile on her face. She never complained and she always said good things. My grandmother died when I was little and I was truly inspired by her. I knew my 'nenek' was very close to my grand auntie and I looked towards her as a source of closeness to my own grandmother. I guess they were similar in many ways, religious and prayed a lot, always said good and kind words and had sound knowledge of the Deen.



I've been thinking about this life and how it is a linear journey. Talking about it to my children the other day and telling them how I was in their shoes once upon a time. In the beginning when you were young, life is about looking forward. You are moving ahead through time, constantly looking towards the front. You grow everyday, learning and absorbing knowledge of the world, you go to school to get an education, you start to think about what you want to be when you grow up, who might be your life partner and the children you might have. You are egocentric and are mostly concerned about yourself and your immediate surroundings. You may even go through the rebellious teenager stage but still knowing that one day, you will be have to be a responsible adult, to earn your own living and look after a family.



However, as you approach the half way journey from the time your life begins and where your life will end....you are still looking ahead but you are also starting to look behind you. You start to look into that rear view mirror to see the things you left behind, the things you have achieved in your life. You start to think about the things you have achieved in your career, the knowledge you attained, the children you have, the people who have coloured your life and those whom you have helped or helped you. You look behind to evaluate your achievements and to help you figure out all the things you still want to achieve in life.



At this half way mark, you start to re-evaluate your life on what things are important. You may still have certain career things you would like to achieve like furthering your studies or attaining awards or titles, you start to reflect upon your own childhood in your children and how you want better things for them, to be more successful than yourselves, to not make the same mistakes. It is almost as though you re-live your beginnings through them, first day of school, silly arguments with friends and making up afterwards, getting told off by teachers, the fear of getting in to trouble for not bringing the right books to school, watching the sun rise for the first time, going on a long car journey and staring outside the window. Children make you feel young because when you see things through their eyes, everything is new, exciting and interesting.


At this point in your life, you start to think about your contributions to society and what have you done to make life better for others? I guess that is why many people start doing voluntary work at this stage, although there are also many who start earlier on in life. Anyway, you realize that there is a bigger world out there and you are an insignificant tiny dot amongst so many other dots. Maybe you feel more stable and established in your own lives and career to start thinking about helping others, although I do admire people who start charity or voluntary work at a young age.



Then, you look at your parents and realized how old they have become....and how they behave as though they have come towards the end of their lives. My dad once told me that at his age, he looks forward and sees only one thing: AFTERLIFE. Towards the end of the journey, this life is about looking back and what you have achieved. You rearview mirror gets magnified and at that moment, even your career no longer takes centre stage....all titles disappear....your strength wanes and the only thing that seems to put a happy smile on your face is listening to the laughter of your grandchildren.



Hence so is life and we are all heading that way....
When I look to the future and as I look pass all the things I am still hoping to achieve in my career, my young children, my dreams of running away on a charity mission or circumbulating the Kaabah, touching the great wall of China, marvel at the Taj Mahal and the geisers in New Zealand. Well, looking past all of those dreams that insyaAllah will one day come true, I would simply like to see at the end of it a woman who is constantly smiling, saying good and kind words to her children and grandchildren, never misses to pray on time and still having sound knowledge and sound mind....I wish to be like my grandmother and my grand auntie. They are my true "idols".

The joys of coorperation versus the misery of competition (PART TWO)

Unfortunately, for the manipulators there is no way they will ever learn how to coorperate with others. They are social defects to a lesser or higher degree. Psychologist differ as to whether these people are born this way or became this way through environmental factors. Consensus shows that it is most probably 50:50 in terms of nature versus nurture.

Anyone can be a manipulator. It is not a great skill. Fortunately, most people have learned to coorperate. Most people understand that coorperation creates a healthy, happy environment whether in the work place, in educational institution, in family or romantic relationships.

On the other hand, some people may come across very strong characters who appear to be 'controlling'. These are influential people but they are different from manipulators. These people do not attempt to use anger, sulking, threats, silent treatment in order to achieve what they want rather, it is through their strength of character and their ability to convince others their ideas and thoughts that people tend to coorperate with them. These people have the ability to inspire others and bring out the best from other people rather than to create a state of misery in others.

There are also situations within a relationship where a person (B) relies heavily on the other person (C). This form of relationship between person B and C is almost like a parent-child relationship even though they are both adults. Dependent relationships are unhealthy and person C will eventually feel frustrated, exhausted and annoyed by person B. This is especially so when the man is dependent on the woman. The man is the head of the family, he is the leader and being a  leader, it is completely lack of macho to start depending on the woman no matter how strong she is.

A relationship is about giving and taking on both sides. Each side wants to gain something and wants to give something. That is the nature of a romantic relationship. it is entirely different from a parent-child relationship. A parent loves the child UNCONDITIONALLY. This can only be so because the parent does not need the child. When I say the parents do not need their child, I mean...the child especially during the early years are completely dependent on the parents for vital needs e.g. food, shelter, mobility and emotional needs. The parents however, do not need the child even though we ENJOY the love we receive from them. Hence, not having any other intentions of gains or reward from the child makes the parents love for the child unconditional.

There is no such thing as 'unconditional' love when it comes to romantic relationships. Within a romantic relationship, there is always something that each party wants to gain from the other, whether it is financial, love, companionship, security, physical etc...no one gets into a romantic relationship with another person for no gain whatsoever. If one does not need anything from the other person then, they are most likely to leave that relationship. A one-way relationship never ever goes well.

In children however, there are many ways to instill and reinforce coorperation whether it is to instill coorperation of good behavior during a shopping trip or within sibling rivalry. There are many good parenting books which are highly recommended such as 'Children are from heaven by John Gray' or 'The complete secrets of happy children' by Steve Biddulph' and many others. There are also various TV programmes such as 'Super nanny' and similar to show parents different methods in bringing out the coorperative nature within our kids. There is a REAL NEED for books and materials that teaches us Muslim parents on how the Prophet SAW instill good behavior, good habits and coorperation in the young sahabah. One such material is a series of talk titled 'Children around the Prophet' by Sheikh Awadi which may be downloaded HERE inshaAllah.

Hence, in today's complex world and where caning is no longer the key to disciplining our younger generation, parents need to develop the soft skills in order to raise happy, healthy and coorperative children. This ability to coorperate is essential for the child to blossom into an adult whom can develop healthy and happy relationships with others whether it is in the work place, educational institutions and romantic relationships.

The joys of coorperation versus misery of competition (PART ONE)

Parents are too familiar with this scenario of two children competing with one another for toys, for attention, for where to go for lunch. One wants McDonalds and the other wants roti canai. Often when children argue and fight, it is easier for parents to intervene and make decisions but sometimes, it is also important to encourage the children to learn to coorperate, to make a decision that is mutually beneficial to both even if one party has to 'lose' or 'give in' in order for both to gain something.

So, when that happened to my two little ones today, I told them to discuss and to agree on one place to go. My daughter wanted McDonalds ice-cream and my son wanted roti canai; they continued to argue and in the end, no mutual decision was made. Hence, we ended up not going to either of the two places.

When we got home, I spoke to them about coorperation and working together to achieve some gains even if it means someone has to give in at this particular time. If child A had given in to child B and we had gone for roti canai, she could still have an ice-cream at the mamak shop. To coorperate means to achieve some kind of gain even if it is not exactly what we wanted. Besides, not having McDonald's today does not mean we can't have McDonald's another day. If child B had 'given in' and we went to McDonald's then he could have had an ice-cream and possibly some fries or burger. Hence, to coorperate is a win-win situation.

A child is born with an instinct to compete. It is a part of their survival instinct. However, as a child grows and gets older, they learn to achieve what their want through a healthier mechanism which is through coorperation. In psychology, there is something called the Prisoner's Dilemma which in the context of compete versus coorperate can be summarized as below:

In this table, we can see the consequences of competition and coorperation between person A and B. If both of them coorperate, they both stand a chance of gaining something. If they continue to compete with one another, and no one backs down it is likely that both will stand to lose. If only one coorperates and the other continues to compete, it is likely that the competitor will win and the one who coorperates loses.

I said earlier that most people develop the skills during childhood to coorperate. They learn that coorperation creates a happier, healthy way of getting what we want. Unfortunately, some people never quite acquire these skills and as adults, they continue to view the world as a place to compete without the ability to coorperate with others. For them, to 'give in' is to lose and they can only win. When normal coorperative people encounter these 'competitive' people, they often view these competitive people as childish as they do not possess the social skills to coorperate with others whether in the work place, in education, in social situations or in romantic relationships.

It is expected and common for children to be competitive, to use tactics such as crying, sulking, tantrums, anger as a method of achieving what they want. Adults who do not have the higher social skills of coorperation will use similar tactics and other forms of methods such as silent treatment, ignoring, threats, guilt-trip which are often seen as manipulative.

Within a parent-child relationship, there is often a power-struggle as the child tries to exert his/her wants through crying, tantrums, anger or sulking e.g. a child who wants to have sweets just before bed time. The parent will say 'no' and the child may cry, sulk or throw a tantrum. However, within this parent-child relationship, the parent have a responsibility towards the child to protect the child from bad behavior and bad consequences. The parents have a responsibility to guide the child and to build discipline and good character within the child. This is healthy form of control.

This is different from the adult-adult relationship where one person tries to control and manipulate the other. In order to build a healthy adult-adult relationship, there has to be an element of coorperation. Any form of manipulation and control will only lead to resentment on the part of the one being controlled; eventually, the one who is subjected to control will leave the relationship. Remember the 'prisoner's dilemma' table...well, the one who coorperates and constantly loses to the competitor will eventually stop playing and leave the game; either that or the cooperator may through the acts of the competitor change and becomes a competitor and hence, both are subject to lose.

I used to know someone who told me that everyone he knows would eventually leave him especially when it comes to romantic relationships. For the purpose of confidentiality, let's just call this person 'A'. Unfortunately, 'A' is someone who has not developed the skills to coorperate and he is a manipulator. He has this 'fixed false belief' that anyone who is romantically involved with him will eventually leave him. Through this belief, 'A' often attempts to prove either consciously or subconsciously that he is right by 'testing' the other person. He will continue to test the other person through various methods until the person is unable to tolerate his manipulative behavior and eventually leaves; hence reinforces to him that everyone who loves him will one day leave him. This should come to no surprise as a person who is romantically involved with someone can only stand so much CRAP from the other person.

He has failed to recognize that through his 'testing' and manipulative tactics, people will eventually leave. He has failed to recognize that in order to form a healthy and happy relationship, one needs to coorperate with one another, rather than to view a relationship as a competition.

So, how do we develop the skills of coorperation?

(CONTINUE TO PART TWO - for answers)

This is the story of Qarun...where did the wealth lead him..???

Al-Qur'an surah Al-Qasas, explanation as adapted from Tafsir Ibn Kathir

76. Verily, Qarun was of the Musa's people, but he behaved arrogantly towards them. And We gave him of the treasures, that of which the keys would have been a burden to a body of strong men. Remember when his people said to him: 'do not exult. Verily Allah likes not those who exult'

Qarun was a man who lived during the time of Prophet Musa (as). He was reported to be the son of Prophet's Musa's paternal uncle. He was not born rich but he asked Musa to make dua to Allah to make him rich. At first Musa disapproved and adviced him against it but Qarun was persistent and so, Allah SWT fulfilled his wish and gave him richness beyond any other men. It was narrated that the keys to Qarun's treasure were made of leather, each key like a finger, and each key was for a separate storeroom. when he rode anywhere, the keys would be carried on sisty mules with white blazes on their foreheads and white feet. After becoming wealthy, Qarun started to show terrible pride and so, the righteous people reminded him by giving advice, telling him not to be arrogant and proud of his wealth. Exult meaning...rejoicing and gloating

77. But seek, that which Allah has bestowed on you the home of the Hereafter, and forget not your portion of lawful enjoyment in this world; and be generous as Allah has been generous to you, and seek not mischief in the land. Verily, Allah likes not the mischief makers

His friends continue to advice him to use the richness that was given to him by Allah for good deeds, for jihad, da'wah, zakat, sadaqah and all forms of spending for the sake of Allah; it is also allowed for a rich person to spend a portion of his wealth for lawful enjoyment (halal things) like buying property, cars, horses, spending for his family BUT NOT for haraam things like going clubbing, girlfriends etc...and they adviced him to be generous and not to spend his wealth to cause mischief on earth such as the rich people today...who spend their wealth in destabilising the economy or corrupting the system.

78. He said: 'This has been given to me only because of the knowledge I possess.' Did he not know that Allah had destroyed before him generations, men who were stronger than him in might and greater in the amount they had collected? But the criminals will not be questioned of their sins.

However, this is the response of Qarun...he believed that the richness that he possessed was due to his own knowledge but Allah SWT reminded him that countless generations before him were destroyed despite their strength and wealth...after all, the strength and wealth that people possess all belongs to Allah SWT. Allah SWT warns that the criminals will not be questioned because there is no hisab for them, they will go straight to the punishment.

79. So he went forth before his people in his finery. Those who were desirous of the life of the world, said: Ah, would that we had the like of what Qarun has been given! Verily, he is the owner of a great fortune.'

So, Qarun used to walk around arrogantly and showing off and the people looked at him and wanted what he had... They wished that they too would be given the same wealth and fortune as Qarun...

80. But those who had been given the knowledge said: 'woe to you! the reward of Allah is better for those who believe and do righteous deeds, and this none shall attain except the patient.

There were others who could see beyond the shallowness of the wealth and status... they had the understanding of the hereafter and so, they reminded the people not to envy Qarun or to believe that the wealth he possessed is good for them rather, the reward of the hereafter is better.

81. So, we caused the earth to swallow him and his dwelling place. then he had no group to help him against Allah, nor was he one of those who could save themselves.

This was the end of the life of Qarun...he was swallowed by up the earth together with his dwelling and richness.

82. And those who desired his position the day before, began to say 'Know you not that it is Allah Who expands the provision or restricts it to whomsoever He pleases of His servants. Had it not been that Allah was Gracious to us, He could have caused the earth to swallow us up! Know you not that the disbelievers will never be successful.

So, the people who envied him before, who wished to attain the same position as Qarun repented and recognised their mistake. They realised that it is Allah SWT who gives the provision, who expands it to some and restricts it to some as a test for all of us. When Allah SWT gives us more, we should be grateful and spend the wealth for good deeds and when He restricts our provision, we should have patience and make dua to be alleviated from the difficulties.

We must always remember the story of Qarun and not to become arrogant, conceited and haughty in the event of being given power, position or wealth...as we too could be swallowed up by the earth or punished in another way.

'the disbelievers will never be successful' meaning...in the end...in the hereafter the disbelievers will never achieve success...will never attain Jannah.

Wallahu A'lam.

Are women really more emotional?

I am often skeptical with the perception that 'women are emotional'

Where is the evidence? Either textually or observation or argumentation no one has been able to convince me that women are created more emotional than men.

Besides, what is emotional? What is emotion? As Maher Zain sings..."what about anger, love and pain, can you touch them with your hands so are they really there?"

Surely we can feel emotion but can we quantify it, can we judge it? Emotions are the feelings that we feel and there are various strands of feelings such as love, anger, pain, disappointment, happiness, sadness, jealousy and much more...

So, if emotions are feelings but where do they come from? Does it come from the brain, the heart, the lungs, the liver or the kidney? Are they simply carried by hormones, neurotransmitters or electrical impulses?

The Prophet SAW says that """Every child is born in a state of Fitrah"

If we study a baby of either gender...the baby is pure with no concepts but the baby has needs such as the need to eat, the baby feels hunger. As the baby grows, he or she will start to explore the world out of curiosity to attempt to reach out to objects...at this point there is no distinction between a boy or girl baby. They both laugh, they both cry.

So, what we can observe is that human beings are born with instincts. The instinct to survive (gharizatul al baqa'), the instinct to worship (gharizatul at-tadayyun) and the instinct to procreate (gharizatul al nau') and it is from these instincts that emotions manifest itself. In other words, emotions are a manifestation of the instincts.

When someone comes to attack you, you may feel scared or angry. When you look at a beautiful scenary, you may feel aweness towards the Creator. Hence, emotions are simply the manifestation of instincts and instincts are present in both men and women. One cannot claim that only women have instinct whilst men do not.

So, men and women can 'feel'. So, when two men argue and they feel angry and they start to fight one another...is that not emotional?

Maybe through observation, one might think that women expresses emotions better than men but does that make them more emotional?

Perhaps, we can argue that women are more 'irrationally' emotional than men e.g.
Husband comes home after a long stressful day at work, he just wants to put his feet up and watch TV. He is not his cheerful self. Wife senses this and start asking "is everything ok?"
Husband: "yeah..everything's fine" (he just wants to forget about work and relax)
wife: (there's something wrong...why doesn't he share his problem with me?) Wife says "can you tell me what is wrong?"
Husband: "No, nothing's wrong" (well, nothing is wrong now. I'm back and home and I want to watch TV)
wife: (He doesn't want to share his problems with me...he doesn't love me)

So, is this a typical situation of men versus women? Maybe! but can we conclude from this that the women is more emotional than men? or the fact that she has not understood the reality of work, feel empathy towards his situation and take a pragmatic approach that if he wants to talk, he will talk. It would not be a problem if she just says "okay, well if you need to talk, you know I'm here" and then get on with whatever she's doing.

So, are women more emotional? or maybe less pragmatic?

And if the women are less pragmatic, is that innate or is it due to upbringing? This nature versus nurture argument. Men are generally brought up to have more responsibilities such as financial, as a protector, a leader. Pragmatism is a quality required in fulfilling these roles. Leaders are trained to be able to handle their own emotions and others, they need to think about problems and solutions so, is it possible that boys are taught to express emotions differently through what is expected of them and their responsibilities?

I do not believe that Islam dictates women to be emotional rather if we look at the examples of the sahabiyyah we will find strong women with strong minds that became the backbone to great male leaders.

After the treaty of al Hudaibiyah, the companions of the Prophet SAW were disappointed and failed to follow his instructions to shave their heads and slaughter the animals as a symbol of their hajj. They were devastated that they could not perform the hajj on that particular year. The Prophet SAW confided in his wife, Safiyyah who advised him to carry on and shave this own head and sure enough, after noticing the actions of the Prophet SAW, his companions followed.

When Abdullah ibn Az Zubair fought a battle against al Hajjaj and things were getting intense. He lost a lot of his supporters due to their fear of Hajjaj. He knew that if he was to face Hajjaj on that day, he would be killed so, he sought the advice of his mother Asma' bint Abu Bakar. Her advice to him was:

"It's your affair, Abdullah and you know yourself better. If however, you think that you are right and that you are standing up for the Truth, then persevere and fight on as your companions who were killed under your flag had shown perseverance. If however you desire the world, what a miserable wretch you are. You would have destroyed yourself and you would have destroyed your men."

So, there is strength in women as well as strength in men. Both men and women have been created with instincts and able to express emotions. It is only how we choose to express our emotions, how we handle it and how much we allow our emotions to control our behavior.

I don't believe that women are more emotional than men and even if they seem to be, the only likelihood explanation is that it is due to conditioning and cultural expectations.