What is the real strength in character? A lesson from a child

On Thursday, the last day of school my daughter's school was celebrating teacher's day and the children were told to wear nice clothes. Unfortunately due to a miscommunication, the message didn't reach me and my poor child went to school in her uniform. Her eyes filled with tears as soon as she saw her friends dressed up in beautiful baju kurung and the boys in baju melayu. I felt terrible but I took her hand, explained the situation to her class teacher and left her in good hands.

It may seem small but to a child...it is a first step in facing a hardship and dealing with disappointments. I watch my children grow up and see all the little hardships they face, the disappointments, the changes they have had to deal with, moving to a different country, changing schools, making new friends, going through a separation, adjusting to new family life; and sometimes it seems too much to handle but I see so much strength in them SubhanAllah! 

Life is full of hardships and disappointments but these difficulties are the building blocks of our strength and character.When I asked my brother who is an ex-MCKK "Would you send your boys to a boarding school despite all the stories we hear today of alleged bullying?" His answer was simply "YES" and his reasoning: it was those hardships that made him who he is today. It made him strong, resilient and a fighter. 

Everyone faces hardship but just by mere survival is not good enough. For a person to go through a test and to come out angry, bitter, vengeful and unrepentant does not do justice to the wealth that lies behind those hardships. Hardships are meant to shape us into better people, to elevate oneself to become wiser, more humble, more patient, more forgiving and more understanding. I consider this as true victory. Those who are cancer survivors and become volunteers for cancer support groups. Those who lose children through horrifying events and become champions in saving other families from similar fate. Those who survive through war and volunteers to help war victims. Those who go through difficult relationships and are able to solve their differences and become friends. 

I've had a fair share of frictions with various individuals throughout my life but we have been able to resolve matters and be friends. I have so much respect for them and are proud to be their friends, May Allah SWT reward them. 

So, when I picked my daughter up from school at the end of the day, I was pleased to see her smiling, laughing and playing with her friends. She had totally forgotten about what she was wearing and neither of us spoke about it. She was simply excited to tell me all about her interesting day of eating sweets and playing games, Alhamdulillah. 

"Remember, happy people have often experienced as much adversity as those who are unhappy. What sets them apart is that they have the good sense to manage their memories in a way that enriches their lives."

- Life lessons from the monk who sold his ferrari-

A stillbirth story in 2001

9^th November 2001 was the day that I lost Sulayman. I was due to go for my antenatal check up at Pantai Medical Centre.  I came back to Malaysia to have my baby. It was during the first few days of Ramadhan. but I felt that my baby was not kicking much that night. I kept praying for my baby to be safe.

The obstetrician invited me into her clinic room. I told her my baby didn’t move much. She got me to lie down and examined for the baby’s heart beat. She moved the probe here and there. She muttered something like “I can’t find the baby’s heart beat.” Then, she reached for the ultrasound machine, again moving the probe up and down my tummy. I stared at the monitor, at my baby, there was no movement. There was no heart beat. She told me “I’m sorry but the baby has died”. I started to scream! My mom responded “Astaghfirullah”. My mom said “Are you sure, doctor”. The doctor pushed the ultrasound probe harder onto my tummy in the hope that somehow she had made a mistake but my baby was gone.

Finally I managed to compose myself and said “so what now?”

The doctor told me the best thing is to have a natural birth.

“What!” I thought “I still have to go through labour?”

She said normally it won’t take long for the body to recognise the baby has died and will expel it naturally. So, we went home.

I remembered sitting at the dining table hardly able to eat anything. My mom and dad were with me. They asked me how long before the body recognizes that the baby is gone and will go into labour. I said I don’t know but I said I don’t want to keep this ‘mayat’ inside of me. (mayat = corpse)

I couldn’t believe it...after carrying the baby for 9 months, feeling its every move and dreaming of seeing him for the first time. All hope vanished in a second!

My dad called me and he got me to read surah Baqarah: 151 – 157

“So remember Me and I will remember you, and be thankful to Me, and be not ungrateful to Me. O you who believe, seek help through patience and prayer. Surely, Allah is with those who are patient. Do not say of those who are slain in the way of Allah that they are dead. Instead, they are alive but you do not perceive. Surely We will test you with bit of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and fruits, and give good tidings to the patient who, when a suffering visits them, say “We certainly belong to Allah, and to Him we will return. Those are the ones upon whom there are blessings from their Lord and mercy as well; and those are the ones who are on the right path.”

I recited it out loud with its meanings and I understood everything...everything about life, about death and cried and cried and cried.

How incredible it was that I had life inside of me...and yet, when the angel of death took my baby’s soul away, I felt nothing! Even though he was inside of me but still, l felt nothing. It was a tragedy and yet, a beautiful reminder of how we are not in control of anything. We have no knowledge at all of the ghaib (unseen).

The next day the contractions started and my parents took me to the hospital. My then, husband took the earliest flight from London to be by my side at the birth. When it was time to push my dead baby out, I refused to do so because I knew it would mean goodbye. It would mean the beginning of my grieving but I had to. I held my little darling in my arms. He was so still, lifeless and yet so beautiful and innocent.

Soon, they had to take him away for burial. His dad took him away shrouded in white cloth to be taken to the masjid for a wash and burial.

After his death, I was afraid that I will not have another baby. I missed my baby even though I never knew him in this reality. I was yearning and longing for another baby and I guess in some way, I wanted to ‘replace’ him. Losing a child is heart breaking, beyond any form of heart break as any parent whom have lost one would know.

Then, six months later I became pregnant. At the same time I started my general practice training and after nine months I was blessed with a baby boy, a mercy from Allah SWT. His arrival was a cure and soothing to the eyes and heart Alhamdullillah. Allah SWT has replaced my pain and grieving with something better, a lovely son in this life and a beautiful baby in Jannah inshaAllah. May Allah forgive my sins and make me amongst those who are successful.

Every time I talk about Sulayman, my eyes still fill with tears. It is not out of ungratefulness as I have accepted the decision of Allah but it is out of love from a mother to a child that will never ever die. I will never forget my baby.

I talk to all of my children about their brother Sulayman and we visit his grave at least once a year, a reminder to us to be grateful for the life that Allah SWT has given to us and to remind ourselves that one day we too will join this tiny soul.

When the truth will become a reality

http://www.salon.com/2012/04/13/the_real_criminals_in_the_tarek_mehanna_case/

Sometimes I sit and ponder about the world and how the reality, the way we live, the things that matter or seem to matter, the way things are, the system that is being implemented, everything seem so different from what it ought to be.

As a Muslim, how do we reconcile the fact that what is said and mentioned in the Qur'an seem so distant and far away from what is being implemented in the real world? For example, the Qur'an tells us that Riba (interest) is haram and yet, the whole economic system is based upon Riba, the banking system, housing and car loans, savings, shares...even if we do not directly deal with Riba but the economic policies, international trading, buying and selling of government bonds, everything is wrapped in an economic system that is built upon interest.

When it says in the Qur'an that 4:141 "Allah will never grant the disbelievers to triumph over the believers"... one start to wonder about the condition of the world today where the US seem to have domination over the world, where the Muslim ummah are the underdogs being oppressed and persecuted all over the world in Palestine, Afghanistan, Syria and Iraq. One may start to wonder what has gone wrong?

However, reading the recent case of Tarek Mahenna, an American citizen, a Muslim who was sentenced to 17 years in prison simply because he refused to become an informer for the FBI...reading his speech, his statement and when he said

"In your eyes, I’m a terrorist, and it’s perfectly reasonable that I be standing here in an orange jumpsuit. But one day, America will change and people will recognize this day for what it is. They will look at how hundreds of thousands of Muslims were killed and maimed by the US military in foreign countries, yet somehow I’m the one going to prison for “conspiring to kill and maim” in those countries – because I support the Mujahidin defending those people. They will look back on how the government spent millions of dollars to imprison me as a ”terrorist,” yet if we were to somehow bring Abeer al-Janabi back to life in the moment she was being gang-raped by your soldiers, to put her on that witness stand and ask her who the “terrorists” are, she sure wouldn’t be pointing at me."

His speech...his statement...made me realize that this is a man who sees the world as it truly is. How the reality today is nothing compared to the reality of what is right and what is wrong. Just because the world is what it is...does not make it right. it doesn't change the fact that interest (riba) is haram or that Allah will not make the believers triumphant.

The world we see today is like a mirage of water on a hot sunny day in the desert. it will disappear as soon as you reach towards it. History has proven to us that there has always been oppressors and time of oppression which will be replaced by time of security. We are currently being ruled by oppressors similar to the time of Ad, Thamud, Firaun and Quraysh. Those who lived during those times must have felt the way we felt...but as history has proven to us that times change and the political situation of the world is ever changing.

Things are changing the the people are changing...

Tarek Mahenna is an inspiration to many people, a man who sees the world truly as it is and is not afraid to stand up for the truth. One day...the truth will be reality.

Courage 3: children and courage

I am no expert but I don't think anyone is...especially when it comes to bringing up our own kids. Even though we have the Qur'an to guide us, a clear message of what is right and wrong but when it comes to understanding our kids, explaining to them, shape and mold them...sometimes we get things right and sometimes we get things wrong. We constantly learn from our mistakes and we try again a different way. All I know is this...children have more courage than we think!

Bringing out the courage in our children

1. Tell them it is okay to feel afraid

Franklin D Roosevelt said that "The only thing that we must fear is fear itself". 

In order to overcome the fear, we need to face the fear...

Facing the fear is a process of acknowledging fear, recognizing fear and knowing that it is okay to feel afraid. To feel afraid is not the problem but to let the fear restrict you or prevent you from moving forward, to achieving what you need to achieve that is the problem.

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared. - Eddie Rickenbecker. 

Ever watched those movies of some psychological thriller where the mom tells the child something like 'I know you're afraid, so am I but you have to be brave and we're going to get through this together'... yeah sounds cheesy but it works. When your child is afraid, tell him or her it is okay but they can overcome that fear by being brave, by having the courage.

2. Make them face their fears

In the olden days this is called 'tough love'. The method of tough love is a tool used only by tough parents who love their children but is able to put that love aside in order to see the child succeed in the future. Tough love is not about hitting, abusing, shouting or embarrassing the child... it is not about depriving the child of their most important things in life such as love, nourishment, knowledge and education but tough love is about making the child face their fears...

Human beings are most afraid to face up to their own mistakes, their own short comings. If your child has done something wrong, the best thing you can ever do for that child is to make him/her face her mistakes e.g. if he broke grandma's favorite vase, get him to clean up the mess and apologize to grandma ready to face whatever punishment grandma has in store. Grandma may say, 'it is okay dear, I forgive you' or Grandma may say 'you will have to spend a week scrubbing the floor' and in which case, let him scrub the floor for a week.

Facing our fears is a sign of maturity, it builds our ability to self-reflect and face consequences in life. Islam teaches us to face our fears, to self reflect, to face up to our mistakes, to apologize to those whom we have wronged and to repent to Allah SWT. People who have not been brought up to face their fears, admit to their mistakes will often be those who are quick to blame others for their own faults or to shun away when things get tough.

3. Help them to face the difficulties in life and show them ways to overcome them.

Facing hardship is part of life. Life is full of hardship especially for the believers because we have been warned that this life is a test, not a place for play and amusement. This world has been described as a prison for the believers because the true reward is in paradise so, teach our children to face hardship, help them to face the difficulties in life, do not shield them from the hardships of life but show them ways to overcome them, to deal with them, to succeed and to shine.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. You playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”. 

– Coach Carter, staring Samuel L Jackson. 

4. Praise them when they show bravery.

Anything that a child does that requires for him/her to overcome his/her fear is something brave, so praise him. A child may not want to go to school because of fear, so make them face their fear and when they come home, praise them and tell them how brave they are for going to school e.g.

A young child of 4 years old cried because he didn't want to go to nursery in the morning. This was only his 2nd day. The mother made him go to nursery and when the mother picked him up later in the afternoon, she bought him a sweetie and said "you were so brave to go to nursery today. You didn't want to and you were afraid but you went anyway and that was very brave. I'm so proud of you." She gave him a kiss and he sucks on the sweet happily. 

Use positive associations. Children thrive on positive associations. The Prophet SAW was beautiful in the way he taught children about Islam. He used to say to Abdullah ibn Umar "I love you, go and pray two rakaat sunnah"

5. Leading by example

There is no dispute that children learn more from observing us than from what we say to them. If we show courage, they too will show courage but if we show cowardice, they too will show cowardice. If we have a phobia of spiders and screams every time we see those creepy crawlies, chances are they too will have a negative feeling towards them. 

6. Tell them stories of courage and the brave

Read to them stories of courage and bravery preferably of the Prophets and his companions. Encourage them to read stories that have good moral values, autobiographies of people who have achieved extraordinary things or fictional books that contains characters with courage. 

Remember those Hollywood movies, if they're going to watch them then at least get some good out of it, talk to them about how brave Harry Potter was for facing his arch nemesis. Don't just make it into a pure entertainment but let your child pick up on the good characteristics in the movie and to identify the bad characteristics in the movie.

7. Teach them to fear nothing but Allah SWT

I was with my 4 year old son and we started talking about Allah. Then, he said "but we are scared of Allah". He remembered a time when we were in the car and there was thunder and lightning. He was scared and I told him that Allah SWT made the thunder and lightning so, Allah is more powerful. He associated it as being we should be scared of Allah so, I said "Yes, we are scared of Allah but only because we love him and we are scared to do something that He doesn't like such as not listening to mummy and daddy or hitting your sister."

Before our children go to sleep, we are encouraged to read to them surah An Nas, Al Ikhlas and Al Falaq as well as Ayatul Kursi. Remind our children the meanings of these surah such as when we read

وَسِعَ كُرۡسِيُّهُ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٲتِ وَٱلۡأَرۡضَ‌ۖ وَلَا يَـُٔودُهُ ۥ حِفۡظُهُمَا‌ۚ وَهُوَ ٱلۡعَلِىُّ ٱلۡعَظِيمُ

We should remind our children that Allah's throne covers all of the heavens and the earth; and so He is All Powerful and we should not fear anything but Allah SWT.

We should only be afraid of the punishment of Allah SWT and if He is not happy with us as the Prophet Muhammad SAW said after this painful encounter with the people of Taif...

اللهم إليك أشكو ضعف قوتي وقلة حيلتي وهواني على الناس
ياأرحم الراحمين أنت أرحم الراحمين
 أنت رب المستضعفين وأنت ربي
إلى من تكلني إلى عدو يتجهمني أم إلى صديق مكلته إمري
إن لم يكن بك غضب علي فلا أبالي ولكن عافيتك هي أوسع لي
أعوذ بنور وجهك الذي أضاءت له السموات و الأرض
 وأشرقت له الظلمات وصلح عليه أمر الدنيا والأخره
 أن ينزل بي غضبك أو يحل علي سخطك
لك العتبى حتى ترضى ولاحول ولاقوة إلابك

---

English translation and the essence
of the Arabic supplication of the Prophet

Oh, Allah, I appeal to you for the weakness in my strength,
and my limited power,
and the treatment of contempt and humiliation from people.
To you, the most Merciful of all the Merciful ones,
you are the Lord of the oppressed, and you are my Lord

Under whose care are you leaving me to?
To an enemy oppressing me?
Or to a friend you have given control of my affair?
If there is no anger from you on me I will forever be content.
However, your blessing is vastly important for me

I seek refuge with the glory of your light,
which the heavens and earth are lit form,
your anger will not befall on me,
nor your displeasure descends on me

To you is the supplication until you are pleased,
and there is no control or power except by you

As I said at the beginning of this blog article, I am no expect. This is just something I would like to share and discuss with my friends and anyone who wants to read it...

Courage (2): to speak the truth

Courage to face the enemy and to speak the truth

إِنَّمَا ذَٲلِكُمُ ٱلشَّيۡطَـٰنُ يُخَوِّفُ أَوۡلِيَآءَهُ ۥ فَلَا تَخَافُوهُمۡ وَخَافُونِ إِن كُنتُم مُّؤۡمِنِينَ (١٧٥) وَلَا يَحۡزُنكَ ٱلَّذِينَ يُسَـٰرِعُونَ فِى ٱلۡكُفۡرِ‌ۚ إِنَّهُمۡ لَن يَضُرُّواْ ٱللَّهَ شَيۡـًٔ۬ا‌ۗ يُرِيدُ ٱللَّهُ أَلَّا يَجۡعَلَ لَهُمۡ حَظًّ۬ا فِى ٱلۡأَخِرَةِ‌ۖ وَلَهُمۡ عَذَابٌ عَظِيمٌ 

Allah SWT says in surah 3: 175-176 "It is none but Satan who frightens (you) of his friends. So, do not fear them; but fear Me, if you are believers. Those who hasten towards disbelief should not make you grieve. They cannot harm Allah at all. Allah intends not to spare for them any share in the Hereafter. For them there is a mighty punishment.

The world of men is more frightening than any creatures of the unseen. War, torture, rape, killing of the innocent, mass murder, nuclear bombs and white phosphorus bullets are more devastating and destructive than the harm committed by evil spirits.

The world today is dominated by the Capitalist system that puts profit and economic value above any other value. The present superpower, US has created itself as the icon of power and invincibility, instilling fear across the globe with their military presence. They use guns, jet fighters, drones and tanks to force weaker nations into submission. 

For years, the western powers have planted puppet leaders all over the Muslim world, leaders who would fulfill the bidding of their masters and betray the rights and honour of their own people. These western backed dictators have ruled the lands with an iron fist, using the military and security personals against their own people. These leaders would sacrifice the lives of millions all for their own selfish gains. They abuse and torture the people to make them conform and to keep silent.

Tahrir Square, Egypt 2011

However, the people in these lands have shown courage and bravery. They stood up peacefully, without guns, without tanks, with nothing but the word of truth to speak against the tyrant ruler. Let me reassure you, if you did not believe me before that the ordinary people in Egypt who demonstrated in Tahrir Square, the people in Tunisia, the people in Syria have shown the world the true meaning of courage. Bravery and courage is to stand up for what is right, in the face of fear and hostility. 

Prophet Muhammad (saw) said

"The master of martyrs (sayyid al-shuhada) is Hamza, and a man who stands up to a tyrant ruler and gives him nasiha (advice). And so the ruler kills him" 

The Prophet (SAW) continued to say : 'By Allah you have to enjoin good (Maroof) and forbid evil (Munkar), and hold against the hand of the unjust ruler (Zalim), and force him on the truth strongly, or you have to limit him to the truth'

There is courage in working to change the corrupt man-made system that has plagued the world. We live in a system that feeds on the blood and sweat of ordinary people as the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. This requires courage to stand up for the truth, to go against the flow of the current and it requires perseverance. This is because the struggle is not a physical entity but the struggle is against an idea...a mentality that has spread its tentacle like an odourless poisonous gas, its poison affecting every person inhaling it and the person is corrupted without even realising. This work requires awareness and the struggle to wake others into awareness. It takes courage, it takes perseverance and it takes time...and far more pertinent, it takes a strong belief in Allah SWT that He will give us the victory. 

The courage in our men

We believe in our men, whoever you are, wherever you are and no matter what you do or do not, however good or bad you are ... we believe that as long as you have Iman, you believe in Allah SWT, one day when the time comes, and when the Khilafah (Islamic state) is re-established and when the Khalif will rise up and call you, you will answer him because...

Allah SWT says in surah al Anfal (spoils of war) : 24

يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱسۡتَجِيبُواْ لِلَّهِ وَلِلرَّسُولِ إِذَا دَعَاكُمۡ لِمَا يُحۡيِيڪُمۡ

O you who believe, respond to Allah and the Messenger when He calls you to what gives you life,

We belief that you will have the courage to protect us, to liberate the innocent men, women and children who are imprisoned, to liberate the people from the clutches of oppression, to liberate humanity from this plague of Capitalism and to bring truth and justice to the world. You will be like Umar bin Al Khattab when he entered Jerusalem in his tattered clothes, and the people saw him and cried due to his humbleness, courage and strength. He entered Jerusalem not as an occupier but as a liberator. We believe that is what you will be.

وَمَا لَكُمۡ لَا تُقَـٰتِلُونَ فِى سَبِيلِ ٱللَّهِ وَٱلۡمُسۡتَضۡعَفِينَ مِنَ ٱلرِّجَالِ وَٱلنِّسَآءِ وَٱلۡوِلۡدَٲنِ ٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَآ أَخۡرِجۡنَا مِنۡ هَـٰذِهِ ٱلۡقَرۡيَةِ ٱلظَّالِمِ أَهۡلُهَا وَٱجۡعَل لَّنَا مِن لَّدُنكَ وَلِيًّ۬ا وَٱجۡعَل لَّنَا مِن لَّدُنكَ نَصِيرًا (٧٥)  
What has happened to you that you do not fight in the way of Allah, and for the oppressed among men, women and children who say, “Our Lord, take us out from this town whose people are cruel, and make for us a supporter from Your own, and make for us a helper from Your own. " An Nisa: 75

Courage is the one who stands for the truth.
Courage is the one who fights for the oppressed to bring back the justice system of Islam.
Courage is the one who humbles himself to the ordinary people but speaks out against the powerful oppressors and dictators.
Courage is the leader who is at the forefront of the battle in protecting the people. 
Courage is the one who faces his fears and overcomes them.

Lord of the rings. The return of the king. Aragorn.

Aragorn: I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth.

There are lessons to be learned from movies but only if we have the correct viewpoint in life, a view that has been shaped and molded by Islam.

NEXT: Children and courage

Courage (1)

The most appealing thing about Hollywood movies is its ability to get the audience involved in the story, to get completely absorbed into the plots and characters, to feel how the characters feel and to sometimes even become the character.

Many Muslim parents sense a dilemma in allowing their children to watch these movies even the cartoons or childrens' fiction such as Harry Potter. No doubt even the most ‘innocent’ of movies will have subliminal messages, inappropriate romance, contradictions to our Islamic culture and values. However, there could potentially be positive lessons to be learned.

Human beings maybe easily influenced especially at a tender age but only if they are uninformed, only if we never taught them to critically evaluate the things they watch and the information that they receive. If we give them the correct information, values and ideas from our Islamic Aqeedah then InshaAllah they will be able to reject the contradictions and to emulate the positive aspects portrayed.

A positive message that stands out in these children’s movies is courage and bravery. 

Courage is defined in the online Oxford dictionary as the ability to do something that frightens one or strength in the face of pain or grief. 

Courage manifest itself when a person is able to overcome his/her fears and faces the thing that frightens them. It is the ability to get past this emotion and to face the challenges ahead.

Hermione: You'd be okay Harry. You are a great wizard
Harry: Not as good as you.
Hermione: Me? Books and cleverness....there are more important things like friendship and bravery.
(Harry potter and the philosopher stone)

Allah SWT says in the Qur’an surah 3: 160

إِن يَنصُرۡكُمُ ٱللَّهُ فَلَا غَالِبَ لَكُمۡ‌ۖ وَإِن يَخۡذُلۡكُمۡ فَمَن ذَا ٱلَّذِى يَنصُرُكُم مِّنۢ بَعۡدِهِۦ‌ۗ وَعَلَى ٱللَّهِ  

فَلۡيَتَوَكَّلِ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ

If Allah is your helper none can overcome you, and if He withdraw His help from you, who is there who can help you after Him? In Allah let believers put their trust.

The Qur’an teaches the Muslims to have no fear. This courage and bravery comes from our believe  in Allah SWT and that nothing bad can ever happen to us without His permission. A Muslim relies on Allah SWT alone and we do not fear anything but Him.

We do not fear the created unseen (ghaib)

There are many things that are ghaib in this world. Allah SWT informs of the world of the unseen such as the Jinn, angels, Jannah and Jahannam. Malay movies are often plagued by fear of ghosts, hantu, jembalang and all kinds of scary creatures. In the movies, they promote all forms of ‘ilmu pati-geni’ and sihir. However, do we cultivate the attribute of courage and bravery? Do we get the characters to show strength of Iman in believing that these things cannot harm us without the permission of Allah? Do we encourage the audience to truly seek protection from Allah SWT against these khurafat? Do we highlight the fact that All Knowledge, All Power belongs to Allah SWT alone and that these things do not have any Power except that which Allah SWT has permitted for them?

What about sihir (black magic)? 

Surah al Baqarah: Harut and Marut (2:102)

And follow that which the devils falsely related against the kingdom of Solomon. Solomon disbelieved not; but the devils disbelieved, teaching mankind magic and that which was revealed to the two angels in Babel, Harut and Marut. Nor did they (the two angels) teach it to anyone till they had said: We are only a temptation, therefore disbelieve not (in the guidance of Allah). And from these two (angles) people learn that by which they cause division between man and wife; but they injure thereby no-one save by Allah's leave. And they learn that which harmeth them and profiteth them not. And surely they do know that he who trafficketh therein will have no (happy) portion in the Hereafter; and surely evil is the price for which they sell their souls, if they but knew. 

Allah SWT allows the existence of sihir as a test for those who choose to learn it, perform it and use it. Harut and Marut were sent as a test to the people of Babylon, offering to teach them this knowledge but it came with a warning. This 'magic' would cause the separation between man and wife and those who choose to learn from it were sinful. They will not harm anyone with it except those whom Allah allows. Hence, the test is for those who choose to learn and perform such magic.

Allah SWT warns us that Syaitan are ever so willing to mislead mankind and will use any form of vice such as alcohol, drugs, sexual relationships and whatever they can including black magic to tempt mankind into faltering and falling astray.

قَالَ فَبِمَآ أَغۡوَيۡتَنِى لَأَقۡعُدَنَّ لَهُمۡ صِرَٲطَكَ ٱلۡمُسۡتَقِيمَ (١٦) ثُمَّ لَأَتِيَنَّهُم مِّنۢ بَيۡنِ أَيۡدِيہِمۡ وَمِنۡ خَلۡفِهِمۡ وَعَنۡ أَيۡمَـٰنِہِمۡ وَعَن شَمَآٮِٕلِهِمۡ‌ۖ وَلَا تَجِدُ أَكۡثَرَهُمۡ شَـٰكِرِينَ (١٧) Surah al A'raf

He said, “Now that You have led me astray, I will certainly sit for them (in ambush) on Your straight path. (16) Then I will come upon them from their front side and from their behind, and from their right and from their left. You will not find most of them grateful. (17) 

Surah An Nisa':119 "(Syaitan said) And I will lead them astray and I will tempt them with false desires..."

However, this does not mean that we should not protect ourselves as no one is immune to temptation. We need to constantly remember Allah SWT, recite Qur'an and make dua to Him to protect us from these things. However, we should not fear the unseen but rather we should fear our own accountability and actions.

The only aspect of the unseen that we ought to fear is the fear of Jahannam. Jahannam is the fire whose fuel are men and stones. Everything else is the creation of Allah SWT whose purpose in life is to distract us from the worship of Allah, to distract us from being obedient to Allah. No doubt they have been given the ‘power’ to seduce, to enhance our feelings of desire, fear and negative emotions, to whisper to us, encourage us to enter Jahannam alongside them but that is the test that we have to face. To face such test, we must have courage and bravery.

NEXT: courage to face the enemy and to speak the truth.

A message to my 8-year old...the grass is always greener on the other side

I took the kids swimming today...
Then after a while my 8-year old son became moody
He didnt want to play with the others and he didnt want to share the floats
Normally I will get angry and sometimes just shout at him to behave but today I told him to sit by the side of the pool whilst I sorted out the others...
The other children continued to play and enjoy themselves so, I came back to sit with my son.
We sat side by side, he had his hands supporting his face and so I copied him...
He started laughing
I asked him "What's wrong baby?"
He said "I want to go back to England...I dont like it here."
I asked him why...
He said he feels different and sad...

I can't begin to express how I felt to hear him say that...no mother wants to hear that her child is sad
My first instinct is to protect him, to buy the tickets today and go back to UK immediately but the next challenge of being a parent is to be tough...to make decisions that no other person can make...
To tell the children that they can't have what they want.
To tell the person that you love with all your heart that you can't give them what they want or what they think they need...that you can't take them out of a situation that they feel is unbearable...because you love them.

The challenge doesn't end there...the next step is to explain to him the ways of the world...how the grass is always greener on the other side...that things don't remain still, people change, his friends have changed, England has changed and we can't just go back and expect to be the same and feel the same. How do you explain all that to an 8-year old when sometimes you may find it difficult to even convince yourself?

So, I just reminded him that this is our home now...we cannot go back. We still have one another and that is all that matters...

I used to wonder everyday if I have made the right decision to come back but now...I know I have. How do I convince my son that in the whole scheme of things, the bigger picture...this is better for us. As a child all he can think about is making friends, friendly teachers, fun learning methods at school...all the things he missed in the UK. He's not thinking about financial situation, government agenda, media propaganda against Islam and issues that even some adults do not care to bother...

I just hope that he will understand one day and that he will not blame me for it. He will understand that parents have to make the decision based on what we think is right at the time...based on the limited knowledge and understanding that we have as human beings.... we cannot see the future... we do not know what is around the corner...but we have to decide anyway what is best for now and hope that the future will be as we pray it will be.

Luckily...Alhamdulillah children are resilient...half an hour later he was playing, laughing and going out with his friends to play...

Dealing with anger: part 3

If you don't know what I'm talking about then, please refer to Part 2, thank you...

At the first stage of anger which is the triggering state, we need to be aware of our feelings...if we are sensing anger then, this is a good stage to manage ourselves before the anger escalates.

In a narration by Abu Hurayrah r.a. a man came to the Prophet SAW and said "advise me" and the Prophet SAW said "Do not be angry". The man asked the question again and again and each time the Prophet SAW said "Do not become angry or furious"

So, before we become angry the best thing to do is NOT TO GET ANGRY, if possible...
At this phase, we can choose various calming down methods and it also depends on what situation we're in e.g.

example 1

If you are having a discussion with a person and it is getting more heated, you might start to detect symptoms of anger in yourself. Try to remain calm  and think clearly about what you would like to do next, either to stop the conversation, change to a lighter subject or continue but without getting agitated. Remember that a discussion based on emotions will not be  productive.

example 2

If a disagreement with a spouse is getting slightly emotional and you're sensing the signs and symptoms of anger. You could say something like "Can we discuss this a bit later?" or leave the room or go to the toilet and lock the door or as what I do sometimes...say "I think I need to pray now." Remembrance of Allah is always a good way of calming down and gives you time to clear your mind.
example 3

When you feel your children are starting to annoy you or make you angry....you could give them a warning such as "I am starting to feel angry now by your behaviour, please leave the room and I will talk to you later."

Escalating phase...

If you are already in the escalating phase then, remember your anger can either escalate into a crisis phase or you can still calm yourself down...

Find your own techniques of bringing down your anger...choose a particular hadith or ayat of the Qur'an that is easy to remember so that you can pluck it up quickly from your mind. It can even be just one word such as 'Jannah' or maybe even 'Jahannam' whichever works for you.

The Prophet SAW says "When one of you becomes angry, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good otherwise he should lie down."

This is a great advice mashaAllah because it is difficult to remain angry when one is seated and even more difficult when lying down. It will certainly prevent the person from doing physical actions that might escalate to assault.

There are many other methods out there to control and manage anger at this stage...it is up to you to find a method that works for you as long as it is within the realms of Shariah.

However, what happens if you have reached the crisis phase...and the anger can no longer be controlled? Well, this is the tricky part. The only thing that can be done at this stage is for you to stay away from the people or the people to stay away from you. At this stage, do not make any hasty decisions and at the back of your mind, remember that you are at a heightened state of arousal...all your thoughts, ideas and feelings may not truly reflect what you would feel during normal times. So, let these thoughts, ideas and feelings pass...but do not make any decisions or take any destructive actions. Still try to sit or lie down if possible.

If you find that you have reached this stage when you are trying to deal with the children. It is good to discuss with your spouse before hand so that the two of you can detect each other's anger and for one spouse to 'salvage' the situation by taking over the handling of the children while you 'cool off'.

Once you have calmed down...and going through the recovery phase then, try and think positive rather than reminiscing the event that trigger your anger. You are still within danger zone and your anger might flare up. Go and do something else...e.g. go for a walk or watch TV...

Wait until you are truly calm and that you are thinking clearly again before you start to reflect on what happened and how you can deal with the situation in a productive way.

Remember this hadith of the Prophet SAW

"The strong is not the one who over comes people by his strength but the strong is the one who controls himself whilst in anger."

Dealing with anger: part 2

"The best of you are those who are slow to anger and swift to cool down...beware of anger for it is a live coal on the heart of the descendant of Adam."

Hadith Prophet Muhammad SAW, riwayat at Tirmidhi

Have you identified yet the trigger factors that makes you angry or 'lose your temper'?

Anger is an emotion and like any emotion, we cannot touch, see, smell or hear but it is something that we can definitely feel...

The feeling of anger can however trigger some physiological responses in the body. We will detect the changes in our breathing, it may become more rapid and shallow...we may detect that our heart beats faster...we may become sweaty, shaking, hot flushes...our muscles tense up and we may grit out teeth...our tone of voice may become higher and we might feel a lump in our throat...all of these are signs and symptoms of anger.

It is important to recognise when we are angry in order to prepare ourselves to deal with our anger. When anger strikes, our judgment gets clouded and we might find it difficult to think clearly. Our perception of the situation may become exaggerated and often phrases such as..."always" or "never" will appear in our speech such as "You never listen to me!" or "You are always doing this!". Our ideas may become rigid and we lose the ability to discuss objectively.

Breakwell (1997) describes the 'anger - assault' cycle.

Anger does not necessarily lead to violence or assault however, the threshold of an act of assault is lowered when a person is angry.

Breakwell describes a 5 - stage process

A. The trigger phase - where a trigger factor setting off the anger
B. Escalation phase - the anger level starts to ascend - at this point, the person can still control his anger and the anger can either escalate or dissipates.
C. Critical phase - once the anger has reached this phase, it is difficult to use any calming method
D. Recovery phase - the anger starts to cool down, at this phase the anger might be re-triggered so, be careful
E. Post crisis phase - the ability to think clearly returns and the person is almost back to normal.

Understanding the the signs and symptoms of anger and the different phases of anger will help us to detect anger when it manifest within us and will prepare us for what to do next

Dealing with anger Part 1

"A strong man is not a good wrestler but a strong man is the person who controls himself at the time of anger"

Prophet Muhammad (saw) in saheeh Bukhari

Faupel, Herrick and Sharp (1998) argues that anger is a secondary emotion arising from another emotion such as fear. Most of us get angry from time to time, some get angry more often than others, some people are known as 'bad tempered', becoming angry easily whilst others are 'mild tempered', they don't express anger often.

Whatever the case, anger is a human emotion. It may arise from other feelings such as disappointment, pain, fear, jealousy or it maybe a manifestation of a physical triggering factor such as when a person is tired, stressed, preoccupied or anxious.

The first step in controlling anger is self - reflection

The first step in controlling anger is to reflect on ourselves. In Arabic, self reflection is known as 'Muhasabah'. Knowing what makes us angry, the situations that might trigger our anger is an important step in avoiding and managing anger. Take a bit of time to reflect on yourself. Think about the times when you have 'lost your temper' and think of the reasons why you lost it. What was the situation that triggered your anger? What was your state of mind at the time? Would that particular issue trigger your anger if you were in a different state of mind, e.g. if you were not tired or preoccupied?

For e.g. I am a mother of 4 and often when I'm tired my level of tolerance is lowered and the likelihood of me getting angry for small minor issues are raised.

We will talk about how to deal with anger later...but the first step is recognising our weaknesses and situations that can trigger anger within us.

For e.g. My sensitive issue is Islam and the Ummah. When I am faced with criticism of the Ummah , I will start feeling the changes in my body's physiological response, the rapid breathing, the increase in pulse, shakiness, lump in the throat, raised and pressured speech...all symptoms of anger. That is when my speech may become harsh or strong, and sarcasm becomes apparent.

Again, we will talk about how to deal with this later...

Hence, we can actually detect the physiological changes in ourselves due to anger...

So, exercise one is to do self reflection or 'muhasabah' and get to know ourselves...

Happy reflecting!


Contents:
- recognising anger and its stages
- anger management
- dealing with those who are angry
- when to seek help

Making children do what they don't want to do is sometimes a good thing

Monday 30th August 2010

My 7-year old son is very much dependent on his older sister. So it was a dilemma for me when she was ill and could not go to school, I was in two minds about letting him go to school without her. I had all these fears that he wouldn't know where to wait for the bus, that he would end up missing the bus or getting bullied by some naughty boys without his sister there protecting him. So, I bombarded him with excessive 'words of wisdom'. "Make sure you wait at the bus stop that you normally wait at!", "Don't go anywhere else", "Don't mix with the naughty crowd", "If you miss the bus, you must go to the office and ask them to call me..."

I didn't realise that my fears were slowly transferring to my little boy and soon, he started panicking and entered into a state of uncontrollable tantrum. He concluded that he too should not go to school. By the time I realised what I had done to him, it was too late. He was crying his eyes out.

That was when I realised...I had to do the right. He had to go to school as much as my heart was crying with him.

I told him to get dressed and he did so reluctantly.

At 6am, it was time to walk down the road and wait for the bus.

Normally, hubby takes them down to the bus stop. I heard the door closed behind them and thought to myself, "That's it!" but I was wrong, I heard the door opening and hubby huffing "I can't take him down, he is screaming!"

I got into my jilbab quickly and came outside. My little boy was standing by the pillar, his eyes streaming with tears. I had to think quickly about what to say..."come on darling, it will be fine". He wouldn't budge. My first instinct was to scream at him...to say "What is wrong with you, you're going to miss the bus!!!!" or something like..."You must go to school whether you like it or not, don't be a whimp, boy!!!" but I exercised self-restrain.

"Come on! Uncle bus is waiting. We must tell him what is going on so that he knows." It was a double meaning. In his mind, he's probably assuming that means he doesn't need to go to school but I didn't lie to him. So, he walked down with me and we held hands. On the way down, I tried chatting to him about other things, taking his mind of the thing that he feared most...going to school without his sister. So, we talked about Lailatul Qadr and I talked to him about the angels and how they come down to earth on that night. Then, we talked about what we were going to do for Eid. When we got down the road, the bus driver was waiting with his usual smiley face. Then, I turned to my little boy and I said, "I'm sorry! it was my fault. I was worried about you going to school on your own and I made you worried, but you were not worried, you were okay. You know what to do at school."

My boy's face lit up. We got to the bus and he got in.

Today, my boy and I learned a lesson.

I learned that I have such a major influence on my child that my fears can become his fears. I learned that sometimes parents need to make the tough decision, to make my child do something he doesn't want to do for his own good. My duty as a parent is to help and support him to become a strong and resilient adult. I can't protect him from life and its difficulties but I can help him to overcome his fears and know that things will be okay.

My child came home and he was happy. I hope that he has learned that sometimes doing something you don't want to do when it is good for you is okay. I hope that he has learned to face his fears and go through with it. Hubby was completely amazed by what we had achieved. He said, "How did you managed to get him to walk down with you. I couldn't get him to do anything without him screaming." I told him my strategies. His only comment was..."If I had more of that lesson when I was a boy, I would have been a better person."

Today is a lesson for all of us and there will be more and more lessons everyday for parents and children.