Dealing with anger: part 3

If you don't know what I'm talking about then, please refer to Part 2, thank you...

At the first stage of anger which is the triggering state, we need to be aware of our feelings...if we are sensing anger then, this is a good stage to manage ourselves before the anger escalates.

In a narration by Abu Hurayrah r.a. a man came to the Prophet SAW and said "advise me" and the Prophet SAW said "Do not be angry". The man asked the question again and again and each time the Prophet SAW said "Do not become angry or furious"

So, before we become angry the best thing to do is NOT TO GET ANGRY, if possible...
At this phase, we can choose various calming down methods and it also depends on what situation we're in e.g.

example 1

If you are having a discussion with a person and it is getting more heated, you might start to detect symptoms of anger in yourself. Try to remain calm  and think clearly about what you would like to do next, either to stop the conversation, change to a lighter subject or continue but without getting agitated. Remember that a discussion based on emotions will not be  productive.

example 2

If a disagreement with a spouse is getting slightly emotional and you're sensing the signs and symptoms of anger. You could say something like "Can we discuss this a bit later?" or leave the room or go to the toilet and lock the door or as what I do sometimes...say "I think I need to pray now." Remembrance of Allah is always a good way of calming down and gives you time to clear your mind.
example 3

When you feel your children are starting to annoy you or make you angry....you could give them a warning such as "I am starting to feel angry now by your behaviour, please leave the room and I will talk to you later."

Escalating phase...

If you are already in the escalating phase then, remember your anger can either escalate into a crisis phase or you can still calm yourself down...

Find your own techniques of bringing down your anger...choose a particular hadith or ayat of the Qur'an that is easy to remember so that you can pluck it up quickly from your mind. It can even be just one word such as 'Jannah' or maybe even 'Jahannam' whichever works for you.

The Prophet SAW says "When one of you becomes angry, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good otherwise he should lie down."

This is a great advice mashaAllah because it is difficult to remain angry when one is seated and even more difficult when lying down. It will certainly prevent the person from doing physical actions that might escalate to assault.

There are many other methods out there to control and manage anger at this stage...it is up to you to find a method that works for you as long as it is within the realms of Shariah.

However, what happens if you have reached the crisis phase...and the anger can no longer be controlled? Well, this is the tricky part. The only thing that can be done at this stage is for you to stay away from the people or the people to stay away from you. At this stage, do not make any hasty decisions and at the back of your mind, remember that you are at a heightened state of arousal...all your thoughts, ideas and feelings may not truly reflect what you would feel during normal times. So, let these thoughts, ideas and feelings pass...but do not make any decisions or take any destructive actions. Still try to sit or lie down if possible.

If you find that you have reached this stage when you are trying to deal with the children. It is good to discuss with your spouse before hand so that the two of you can detect each other's anger and for one spouse to 'salvage' the situation by taking over the handling of the children while you 'cool off'.

Once you have calmed down...and going through the recovery phase then, try and think positive rather than reminiscing the event that trigger your anger. You are still within danger zone and your anger might flare up. Go and do something else...e.g. go for a walk or watch TV...

Wait until you are truly calm and that you are thinking clearly again before you start to reflect on what happened and how you can deal with the situation in a productive way.

Remember this hadith of the Prophet SAW

"The strong is not the one who over comes people by his strength but the strong is the one who controls himself whilst in anger."