The people have spoken. And finally, this is why I came back to Malaysia.

I am writing in this blog again.

I wanted to write for so long but every time I started to write, I felt I sounded like a child having a tantrum, or a moaning teenager or perhaps a grumpy nagging old lady.  In the end, I just deleted my post. I had so much to say, so much frustration and yet, I couldn’t vent it out…afraid that it won’t do justice to the real situation that plagued this country and afraid of being chastised or worse, locked up. 

But everything changed on the 10^th of May 2018. 

People often ask me, why I came back to Malaysia? I knew why but I couldn’t show it. I couldn’t even show it to my children, whom I knew deep down inside perhaps questioned my decision. I knew they probably felt resentful that I uprooted them from their place of birth but they were too polite to say so. I couldn’t show my reason to them because, the gem, the jewel, the wonderful country that I left in 1992 was lost, or missing. I came back and Narnia was in the hands of the snow queen. Yet, I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t put my finger on it and I couldn’t prove it. Something was wrong…something was missing. 

On the 10^th May 2018 I stayed up until 4.30 am and something unbelievable happened. Something that everyone thought was an impossible dream became reality. Even when I saw the counted votes on screen, I couldn’t believe it and I was afraid to breathe out, to let out the air in my lungs just in case, I can never get it back again. As the counting votes came in, my heart pounded faster and harder. I had to blink a few times to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. Perhaps my weary eyes were playing tricks on me but it wasn’t. The opposition had won the simple majority and can form the new government.

When the kids woke up, they were excited and we waited and waited for the swearing in of our new Prime Minister, Tun Dr Mathathir and having this fear that at any moment, it would be taken away from us. It was a big test indeed. A test for the people on our patience and trust towards our Parliamentary system, the system of Constitutional Monarchy. It was a test to see how much we trusted Yang Di Pertuan Agung and the entire proses of governance. I think for most of us, it was the first time we actually bothered to spend the whole day listening to the updates and news.

For 60 years since independence (1957) Barisan National Coalition was the ruling party and the lay man (most of the people) do not know the proses of forming a government. Two days ago, we had a crash course on it. We waited from 9.30 am and then, press release said Tun Mahathir has been given an audience with the current Yang Di Pertuan Agung (Grand King) at 5 pm. I was sending some friends to KL Sentral so we drove past the Istana Negara (Royal Palace) and it was packed with people, carrying flags and banners. We honk at them celebrating in this joyous occasion. Everyone was excited and nervous at the same time. At 9.30 pm I think the whole country was glued in front of the television or online live streaming. The anticipation grew, of course we were all worried about riots but so proud of my Malaysians who stool firm with patience and perseverance. Finally, at 10 pm, we saw our most respected aged ex-Prime Minister sworn in by our trusted Yang Di Pertuan Agung as the new Prime Minister, promising to right the wrongs of this country and admitted to his own mistakes in the past. For most of us growing up in the 80s and 90s we remember Tun Mahathir as the Prime Minister that put Malaysia on the map. I have fond memories of him and fond memories of my childhood and growing up under his care and rule.

My kids were glued in front of the TV. For the last three years since me and my husband formed a coalition with a manifesto to ensure our children will be individuals who can think for themselves, independent and knowledgeable. Believe me, it was an uphill struggle to get them to read the newspaper, to understand history, to think about the political situation, to even be interested but in one day, every effort, every sweat, every tear and every hardship we went through finally bear fruit.

They were amazed and it gave them the realization that history was being made. The term ‘peristiwa dalam sejarah’ became a reality. They felt like the country was reborn and they were present and involved in this historic moment. They felt that sense of pride, belonging and most importantly, the understanding that the power belongs to the people. This was a victory for Malaysians. For most of the Malaysians who have had enough of the power, greed, corruption and injustice towards the people of this country, the people have spoken!

My daughter (18 years old) said, she was proud to be a Malaysian.

My son (15 years old) said, “I am so glad we came back to Malaysia. You made the right decision, Mom”

A day before the election, I WhatsApp them and I said, “I am so sorry for bringing you into this world that is full of corruption and injustice.” I asked for their forgiveness and I prayed for a better future. A day after, God answered my prayers.

The exuberance, the joy, the RELIEF…that we can now express all the frustration that we felt, no more silence, no more pretending that everything is okay, that the economy is okay and the country's economy is doing great, that it is okay to lose one plane and another one shot down! That it is okay to let two high profile foreign individuals assassinated in our soil! And to have the highest official in this country embroiled in an international money laundering scam! And that it is okay to sack those who dare to question or speak the Truth. None of it is okay.

Two days ago, the people sent a message to the previous leader and subsequent leaders that they need to serve the people and this beloved country. That the good people of this country will not remain silent whilst all these corruptions are happening around us. We will not tolerate such treachery. We will take action even if it is a small action of putting an ‘X’ on a ballot paper to ensure the rights of the people. 

Slowly, the truth is unveiling. It is going to be a difficult and tedious process and I realize that Tun Mahathir and his new cabinet will have a major task ahead of them but I have confidence in Tun and this new government, the likes of Tan Sri Muhyiddin, our previous deputy Prime Minister who was sacked by the previous PM for questioning the 1MDB scandal and many others. We have confidence that they will work to right the wrongs of the past, to solve the wrongs of the previous government and to bring the country back on the right course, towards a better future InshaAllah. The people are watching more than ever with earnest and sincerity.

Returning home: The best decision I've ever made

I asked a friend once how long it took her to settle in Malaysia after relocating and she told me it took her two years. Here I am two years later and I am feeling settled or at least I'm feeling contented. I am so happy to be back in Malaysia.

Despite all the hassles, paperwork, turbulence, craziness, roller-coaster ride that I went through but it was all worth-it. I can see things more clearly now and I am beginning to understand life, concepts, feelings more than I ever did before...even though I feel like it is just the beginning of the road for me. There are still so many things that are unsettled in my life and decisions to be made but overall, I believe that coming back is one of the best decisions I've ever made and I am grateful to Allah SWT.

Sometimes I still feel agitated and sometimes I feel like I just want to fly away as things are constantly changing around me but whatever happens after this, I know that it will be for the best as long as I have trust in the One who made me and who controls everything.

إِن يَنصُرۡكُمُ ٱللَّهُ فَلَا غَالِبَ لَكُمۡ‌ۖ وَإِن يَخۡذُلۡكُمۡ فَمَن ذَا ٱلَّذِى يَنصُرُكُم مِّنۢ بَعۡدِهِۦ‌ۗ وَعَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَلۡيَتَوَكَّلِ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ (١٦٠)

If Allah is your helper none can overcome you, and if He withdraw His help from you, who is there who can help you after Him? In Allah let believers put their trust. (Surah Al Imran: 160)

Sorting things out in my own head

I would be lying if I said things have been easy, that my relocation have been smooth sailing...on the contrary, it has been very hard, like a roller coaster ride or more like a sea journey, at times the journey is smooth and the sea is calm and at times, we are hit by a heavy storm almost tipping the ship over on occasions

When we first got here, everything was new and exciting and the reasons why I left UK was still fresh in my mind. Now those reasons seem so far away...as memories become less vivid and negative emotions heal...but sometimes we need to remind ourselves so, these were my reasons:

1. Islamaphobia - a situation that was getting worse, on a national, government and media level a constant attack on Islamic values and rules, women' dress code and other aspects of Islam; on an individual level - several verbal and physical abuse reported on Muslims and mosques.
2. Political interference in health
3. The government sponging off the middle income families with high taxes and making it unbearably difficult to survive
4. Fear of growing old and dying in a non-Muslim land
5. Not having family support
6. Individualistic people who refuses to accept responsibility for their own actions and health
7. Problems of bringing up children in a place where sexual perversion is glorified, there's lack of discipline and lack of respect.

So, should I remind myself of these valid reasons?

However, Malaysia is not a perfect getaway especially to work and live...there are problems here too and some of these irritations are:

1. Drivers who have no courtesy and believe they are being expert drivers but in reality are completely irresponsible. Expert driver is one who values safety, values the lives of others and himself so, he will have patience, courtesy and give way to others. He signals and keeps to the correct lane.

2. Bosses with inferiority complex - This is something completely new to me, those who have to flex their muscle in order to feel that they are respected and that their orders are followed. They have to try and put others down just to make themselves feel elevated. These aren't leaders cause real leaders will earn the respect of his followers by listening, understanding the issues, encouraging and motivating. He/she will allow his people to grow and expand their skills. A real leader has self-respect and he doesn't need to 'show' who is boss.

3. Lack of objectives - the sad reality of those who chase after progress, beautiful buildings, to simply establish things but with no real understanding of the objectives. Hence, the planning is all mixed up and faces future problems when the project is completed.

Then, there are bigger issues such as:
1. Nationalism, patriotism etc...
2. Dirty politics including fitnah, lewdness etc...
3. Non existence of Ideology and identity...who do you want to be? true Muslim? secular? capitalist? socialist? nationalist? the country have no idea what it wants to be, the leaders have no clear idea where they're  heading and individuals have no idea who they want to be.

So, it is truly frustrating being in an environment where there's so much confusion.

In the UK, the country was very clear about its ideology. It is capitalistic and the nation's identity is secular. It was easy for me to identify myself because I rejected Capitalism and secularism but instead my identity is a Muslim.

Now, I am here in a so called Muslim country but the nation is not ideologically Islam neither is it truly capitalistic...it embraces the capitalist economy and rule by the law and constitution constructed by the British but it doesn't truly understand nor adopt capitalism nor secularism...and the identity is mix and match of the West and Islam; neither here nor there. The secular Muslims are just copycats of the West, whereas those who profess to call for Islam are narrow-minded and exclusive. So, it has been difficult to get my head around all these issues, to understand, to put myself within this reality, this context...

Some of my friends tell me that I have a lot to offer this place, ideas to pass, knowledge to share and motivation to give. I know that I have a role to play and a responsibility but how can I give when my own internal emotions are in turmoil, I have frustration, anger, disappointment and sometimes despair...I need to be able to strengthen myself and fit myself into this puzzle, to anchor myself on solid ground...then inshaAllah I will be able to be more productive, to help others and hopefully to be able to give something to the people.

I am still not truly certain if my place is here...and sometimes I feel like I just want to leave this place right now but...I know that going back to UK would be going back to the problems I left behind. I want to stay here, I want to make things work but I need time...and time is a great healer. Truly, the decision of Allah is the best of decision.

Why did I return after 17 years?

This is a common question that I get from my friends. It is a very difficult question to answer in such a short space of time. Sometimes I think I need to write a thesis about it.

Everyone lives their lives according to what they see as important at the time for e.g. you may find a woman who started off in her younger days viewing her career as the most important thing. She strives so hard to get to where she wanted to be e.g. CEO or Manager or whatever; Sometimes when she gets to where she wanted to be, she may start to evaluate her life and to some women they realized that wasn't the thing that gave them satisfaction and they start to value family life instead. This is just an example and it is purely to express how we human beings will value somethings and work towards achieving that.

For a long time I valued my life in the UK but things change, situation changes and people change and views about what is important in life changes. Of course everyone knows that the situation in UK has changed over the last 17 years that I lived there. The once very tolerant society is now plagued by 'climate of fear' created by government and media, there is 'islamaphobia' but there is also a shift in other things like the way health care is viewed and the NHS which affected me directly. There is a change in youth culture and of course, the latest is change in economic stability.

Things change sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse...and for me, it felt that things were changing for the worse. Besides, my own personal life was changing as the kids were getting older. We all know the recent report published that Britain was the worst place to bring up children compared to other countries and Australia being one of the best. You all read that right? I would agree with that report.

Anyway, I was finding that certain things were becoming more and more important to me and that was my FAMILY. Being away from my parents, knowing that they were getting older everyday, knowing that potentially I could lose them (who knows? Ajal is from Allah). I had a real urge to return and spend whatever time Allah swt granted me with my parents.

Secondly, I wanted my children to grow up with certain moral principles and not with individualism and Capitalism. I could not bear to think that they would one day turn around and tell me "I am free to do whatever I want to do." I mean, we all know that is a farce, no body is free to do whatever they want, we are all bounded by some rules or regulations; if we do not believe in the Rule of God then, we are potentially ruled by other people who make the Laws in Parliament. The worse thing about man-made laws is that they enforce it on others but never on themselves (as demonstrated by the recent MPs scandal in Westminster).

Besides, I did not agree with this whole mentality that we should allow children to express themselves freely and if we allow them to do whatever they want, they will somehow turn out good. I don't see the logic in that. I have to admit (and some may disagree with me) that I much prefer the education system in Malaysia. I wouldn't say it is 'perfect' but I was chuffed when my daughter brought back her sivik textbook and the first lesson was on 'self-discipline'.

Anyway, I do think children should be allowed to question and to appease any misunderstandings or doubts they have. However, I think the education system in the UK promotes too much questioning but without real substance.

I know I'm rambling on about something that many will think 'what is she on about???' but in short; I returned home to be with my family, my parents, my siblings and all my extended family members...and secondly, to bring up my children in a different way.

My decision to return home

My 4th child was born in 2007 and it was the happiest time of my life, for one thing the first few days of having a baby is always exciting and full of that serotonin rush. Secondly, I had my mom staying with me for one month. Her company was enough to make me feel complete. We used to spend hours chatting, sitting at the dinner table having some snacks or just a cup of tea.

Then, a month passed and she had to go back to Malaysia; leaving me in the UK and baby blues set in. The day she flew home, I was in bed the whole day completely depressed. I knew my heart was somewhere else.

Finally Sept 2009, when Hubby agreed to it after several discussions - the decision was made. I booked my tickets to make it more real. I was going home...

It is hard to explain my yearning to be with my parents. I imagine there are many people out there who will understand immediately and will be able to relate to how I was feeling. At the same time, there will be some who will never understand. I can't even explain it in words. I just missed them so much. After 17 years, I was home-sick.

So, my decision to return home was mainly due to family reasons. You know, people will return home, relocate, move to foreign lands for various different reasons. Whatever your reasons are, it is always important to realize that every society have its advantages and disadvantages; each place will have its own cultures and attitudes.

I didn't leave the UK to return to Malaysia based on rose-tinted glasses. Many people warned me that Malaysia is different from 17 years ago, things aren't great here, don't expect to find true Islam, there's a lot of problems and crimes. I was prepared for the worse. I understood that decisions had to be made based on concrete facts rather than fanciful ideas. For e.g. if I was expecting to find an Islamic State ala Nabuwwah - I would be completely disappointed. It is important to realise (if one haven't already) that there is no real Islamic State in the world today, not even Saudi Arabia. No country in the world today implements Shariah comprehensively. All Muslim countries today have adopted parts of their Laws/constitutions from the French or British. All Muslim countries today are secularised in some form or another. There is no Islamic State in its true form, like the one established by Prophet Muhammad (saw) in Madinah.

I'm not going to give a lecture on Islamic State but just merely stating a basic fact, to avoid any disappointment. Relocating is a major decision with various major stresses; you do not want to make that move based on the wrong decision or impression. However, I would say that living in Malaysia is more spiritually fulfilling for me personally. Hearing the adhan everyday, fixed prayer times, starting the day at Fajr time, allocated times for praying with various mosque and small praying areas available everywhere, there is higher inclination to read Qur'an and do Dikr. At the same time, I don't want to be complacent and feel that I have fulfilled my Ibaadah actions and that's okay. Islam is comprehensive and Ibaadah is one aspect of it. Still have to worry about financial dealings, interactions with non-mahrem (social system issues), state of the Ummah, what's happening round the world and political activities.

It is so easy to just get absorbed in my own life and problems. Anyway, my number one top tip advice is: the most obvious of all - never make a decision without asking Allah swt. Istiharah prayer is the key to any decision making. Alhamdulillah it is amazing...even if you think you really want something or you believe it's going to be great; still istiharah is the key because we do not know the future; and we may think that something is good for us or bad for us, but we never know for sure. Only the All-Knower, Most Knowledgeable knows the past, present and future.

So, my decision to return home was sparked by my yearning to be closer to my family and seeking the guidance from the One, All-Knower, All-Merciful Allah s.w.t.