Sorting things out in my own head

I would be lying if I said things have been easy, that my relocation have been smooth sailing...on the contrary, it has been very hard, like a roller coaster ride or more like a sea journey, at times the journey is smooth and the sea is calm and at times, we are hit by a heavy storm almost tipping the ship over on occasions

When we first got here, everything was new and exciting and the reasons why I left UK was still fresh in my mind. Now those reasons seem so far away...as memories become less vivid and negative emotions heal...but sometimes we need to remind ourselves so, these were my reasons:

1. Islamaphobia - a situation that was getting worse, on a national, government and media level a constant attack on Islamic values and rules, women' dress code and other aspects of Islam; on an individual level - several verbal and physical abuse reported on Muslims and mosques.
2. Political interference in health
3. The government sponging off the middle income families with high taxes and making it unbearably difficult to survive
4. Fear of growing old and dying in a non-Muslim land
5. Not having family support
6. Individualistic people who refuses to accept responsibility for their own actions and health
7. Problems of bringing up children in a place where sexual perversion is glorified, there's lack of discipline and lack of respect.

So, should I remind myself of these valid reasons?

However, Malaysia is not a perfect getaway especially to work and live...there are problems here too and some of these irritations are:

1. Drivers who have no courtesy and believe they are being expert drivers but in reality are completely irresponsible. Expert driver is one who values safety, values the lives of others and himself so, he will have patience, courtesy and give way to others. He signals and keeps to the correct lane.

2. Bosses with inferiority complex - This is something completely new to me, those who have to flex their muscle in order to feel that they are respected and that their orders are followed. They have to try and put others down just to make themselves feel elevated. These aren't leaders cause real leaders will earn the respect of his followers by listening, understanding the issues, encouraging and motivating. He/she will allow his people to grow and expand their skills. A real leader has self-respect and he doesn't need to 'show' who is boss.

3. Lack of objectives - the sad reality of those who chase after progress, beautiful buildings, to simply establish things but with no real understanding of the objectives. Hence, the planning is all mixed up and faces future problems when the project is completed.

Then, there are bigger issues such as:
1. Nationalism, patriotism etc...
2. Dirty politics including fitnah, lewdness etc...
3. Non existence of Ideology and identity...who do you want to be? true Muslim? secular? capitalist? socialist? nationalist? the country have no idea what it wants to be, the leaders have no clear idea where they're  heading and individuals have no idea who they want to be.

So, it is truly frustrating being in an environment where there's so much confusion.

In the UK, the country was very clear about its ideology. It is capitalistic and the nation's identity is secular. It was easy for me to identify myself because I rejected Capitalism and secularism but instead my identity is a Muslim.

Now, I am here in a so called Muslim country but the nation is not ideologically Islam neither is it truly capitalistic...it embraces the capitalist economy and rule by the law and constitution constructed by the British but it doesn't truly understand nor adopt capitalism nor secularism...and the identity is mix and match of the West and Islam; neither here nor there. The secular Muslims are just copycats of the West, whereas those who profess to call for Islam are narrow-minded and exclusive. So, it has been difficult to get my head around all these issues, to understand, to put myself within this reality, this context...

Some of my friends tell me that I have a lot to offer this place, ideas to pass, knowledge to share and motivation to give. I know that I have a role to play and a responsibility but how can I give when my own internal emotions are in turmoil, I have frustration, anger, disappointment and sometimes despair...I need to be able to strengthen myself and fit myself into this puzzle, to anchor myself on solid ground...then inshaAllah I will be able to be more productive, to help others and hopefully to be able to give something to the people.

I am still not truly certain if my place is here...and sometimes I feel like I just want to leave this place right now but...I know that going back to UK would be going back to the problems I left behind. I want to stay here, I want to make things work but I need time...and time is a great healer. Truly, the decision of Allah is the best of decision.