The Hobbit: love, friendship, courage and destiny

Last night we watched "The Hobbit" and I must say it was one of the best movies ever made in 2012. I love "Lord of the Rings". I love the book and the movies. I can spend days on ends analyzing every character, every plot, every dialogue and every scene.

Anyway, the movie started at 8.30pm and it went on for nearly 3 hours. However, we were glued to the screen. Despite knowing what will happen next, I was totally mesmerized by each scene. My favorite character though is Gollum A.K.A Smeagol. He is evil, nasty and repulsive and yet, I just loved him. He is cute and funny. Most of all, there is just something likeable about him and one can't help feeling sorry for him.

He was this ordinary creature and yet, he was destined to find the Ring. The Ring consumed him and eventually, he became the servant of the ring. He lost his good nature, his good self and turned into this repulsive creature and all his previous traits were lost. He lost his way...and yet there he was, sad and vulnerable.Without the ring, he became nothing.

There is so much to say about the story, about hope, trust, courage and most of all...it is about fate. Each and every one of us have a destiny to fulfill. As Muslims, we believe that God has decided everything and everything has been written in the book of "Lauh Mah Fouz" but instead of just playing our parts like actors who memorize their lines, we have not been given the script nor the lines. Instead, we have been given a choice. The choice maybe limited but nevertheless it is an important choice and decision to make because it is a choice between good or evil, haram or halal, right or wrong way to respond to things. For that choice or 'free will' we have been given a responsibility. If we choose the right path, we will be rewarded but if we choose the wrong path, we will be punished.

In The Hobbit, each character seem to have its part to play in this vast picture of battle for middle Earth. Yet, it seems that the littlest of creature, the most insignificant in the eyes of men are those who hold the biggest part to play. So, what part do we play in this world? and do we play the hero or the villain? Are we a player or a pawn? Which side do we serve, the darkness or the light? What is our destiny? The answer lies in us, in the choices that we make and how seriously do we strive to fulfill our responsibilities to the best of our ability.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Frodo:Then I know what I must do. It's just… I'm afraid to do it.
Galadriel: Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

Sometimes we are afraid of the future, of the choices we must make. Sometimes we know what we must do but we are afraid to venture it. Most of the time we do not choose our destiny and yet, we are given a task we may feel it is too big for us to handle. Yet, it may give us relief to know that even the best of mankind in history felt the same way. This reminds me of Maryam (may Allah be pleased with her) when she left her home, heavily pregnant, chastised by her community and then, she went into labour. She was in pain with nothing to eat nor drink. She never chose that life and yet, it was given to her as a burden, as a gift. She sat next to a trunk of a date-palm and she said "Would that I had died before this, and had been forgotten and out of sight." (Surah Maryam:23).

Whatever responsibility, test or pain that is given to us, we simply have to accept and make the best of it. However, through the test we will find love, hope, courage and friendship. The most important gift of all is when we find tranquility in God.

I can say so much more about The Hobbit but I think that's enough for now...

Dealing with questions from a teenager

It is tough raising teenagers. The world is a confusing place and they need us to understand their world, their reality, their peer pressure...to help them make sense of what is around them and how does Islam fit into that reality. They need guidance on how to view the world from the islamic viewpoint. I am no expert but this is a question which was posed to me, and I hope I handled it in the best way.

Question: What will happen if we do all the things Islam ask us to do, and we do all of it but in the end for whatever reason, we do not go to Jannah (paradise). What would be the point of all that? We will not get this life like fun things and we will not get the hereafter either.

Y'know there's two things that we need to address here.

1. You are making an assumption that despite doing what Allah wants you to do, you will still not enter Jannah. That's the wrong way of viewing things. For that reason, we need know and understand Him. Allah doesn't break His promise. He doesn't betray our trust, He doesn't forget, He is not weak. He is nothing that we human are.  He SWT says in the Qur'an

“Whoever works righteousness, man or woman, and has Faith, verily, to him will We give a new Life, a life that is good and pure and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions.”

[Al Qur’an 16:97]

When Allah SWT tells us to do fardh actions and avoid haram, we must trust that by doing these things for His sake, He will fulfil His promise to us, by His Mercy we hope for His Jannah. 

We need to make a choice and that choice we have to make now. What do we want? Do we want the Hereafter or do we want this life? If we want this life, then we will only get this life but if we strive for the hereafter then, we will have this life and the hereafter (17:18-21, 42:20)

Allah SWT is All Forgiving, All Merciful. We are humans and He made us imperfect, we make mistakes, we do silly things but we can seek forgiveness and we can repent and we hope for His Mercy. So, by doing what Allah wants us to do is never a waste of time. Every good deed we do, we will see it and every bad deed we will see it on the day of judgement. Nothing is ever a waste....

2. When you say...by doing the things Allah wants us to do that we are 'missing' out on this life. What does it mean? What are we missing? Are we really missing out on fun things?

Freedom doesn't guarantee happiness. The people who wear whatever they want to wear, go out with whoever they want, have various relationships...does that make them happy? Going to parties and discos, mixing men and women...it maybe fun and exciting for a while but the rest of the time...it is emptiness. The happiness is short lived, not permanent, there is no calmness or tranquility...and we keep trying to fill that emptiness with more and more excitement but it is like a bottomless pit with no satisfaction. This life is like a mirage...you're in a desert and you see water and run towards it but when you reach it, it's gone. (9:38, 6:32, 24:39)

Instead fill our hearts with the love of Allah and we will get calmness, tranquility, satisfaction that cannot be replaced or substituted by anything or anyone.

This is because of all the desires in this world and the wants we have in this world, there is one desire that is greater than all others which is the desire to worship. Some people worship money, wealth, things, people...whatever but there is only One that deserves to be worship and can actually fulfil that desire we have, and that is to worship Allah.

So, don't be worried...don't be put off by doing the right things because you are afraid of missing out on something 'fun'....truth is you are not missing out on anything. Instead, you receive the greatest treasure of this life and the next.

A trip down south: Legoland and Singapore

It all just seems like a dream now as I am back into the real world of rush hour, work and daily routine but just a few days ago me and my babies were on a lovely holiday to Legoland and Singapore.

Thursday 15th November 2012

After breakfast, we loaded our packed bags and started our journey down south towards Johor Bahru. We were cruising along the E2 KL-Seremban Highway, had a few stopovers, had lunch at A&W Ayer Keroh Restaurant Jejantas and reached Johor Bahru within 5 hours. I planned this little trip a while back after buying a package deal for Legoland from New Asia Holidays at the Matta fair. It was a good deal for 3 days and 2 nights staying at the Grand Blue Wave Hotel and transport provided to Legoland and back. For 5 people, it costs RM1000 ++ including breakfast.

The hotel was fantastic. The kids were like "This is our hotel?" with wide eyes. I was pleasantly surprised. The room was comfortable and had good facilities.

Friday 16th November 2012

Well, life in this world is a test and to remind us of this, my eldest caught a viral infection and had high temperature on the day of our journey to Johor Bahru. I dosed her up with paracetamol and got her to rest. I was worried since the Friday, the next day is our long awaited Legoland trip but I have learned to simply put my Trust in Allah SWT, not to worry about things anymore so, it was a matter of medicine, rest, dua and Tawakkal. I told her to make dua and reminded her that sometimes when we are enjoying life we might forget that this life is temporary, a place of test. This is not Jannah and we forget our real destination which is not Legoland but the akhirah. So, when Allah SWT gives us test in our quest for fun and enjoyment, it is good for us in order not to forget our real purpose in life.
She stayed in the hotel to rest whilst I took the others for dinner. We went to KSL Mall. We went round and round the place looking for some food outlet but not much choice. There was a food court but it didn't seem halal and finally we went for KFC. Thought I would never go there again and wondered how things would be if Muslims were not in charge of this country. It would be so hard to find halal food restaurants. All these little things we take for granted.

The next day, her temperature was not completely settled. I had to ask her the difficult question. "Do you think you can go to Legoland?" but she was adamant so, I took one last initiative and gave her Ibuprofen 200mg stat! That seemed to do the trick Alhamdulillah and she was able to get up.

We reached Legoland early around 9.20am and the doors opened at 10am so we waited for a while. there was already a queue and as soon as the doors opened, everyone was excited to go into the theme park. We went to Lego City first and the kids went on the driving school and boat riding. We then looked at the Miniland where there were miniature lego models of famous places in Asia e.g. the forbidden city and Taj Mahal. We went to Lego Kingdoms. the older two went on the Big Dragon ride which is the main attraction roller coaster ride. I wanted to go on it but unfortunately when I got there, there was a technical difficulty so, instead I dragged all of the kids to the Apprentice Dragon ride.

All of us were ready to go on it but at the last minute, my youngest had cold feet. He said, "I don't want to go on this ride. I'm scared." We had been waiting for 10 minutes and I had my feet inside the Dragon so I pulled him in and sat him down, put the seat belt on and before we knew it, the ride started...and we were screaming our heads off except for my little boy who had this confused look on his face. When the ride ended, he had a mixture look of fright and joy at the same time. He secretly enjoyed it! My little girl was going "Let's go on it again!!!" I wondered if I was being cruel and probably scared my little man for life but nah...he was fine.

Then, we went to the Lego Technic area where there was a water ride and we went on Project X. I sat in front with my little girl and my eldest at the back of the four wheel seater. Just as the ride started, my eldest said with a fright "What am I doing on this?" and we climbed up and up and finally as we reached the top, I thought "Oh God! What the hell am I doing on this?" and down we went very steeply and up again; and that was when I realized, I survived zero gravity and started to scream AHHHHHH!!!! and it was just screaming all the way but it was fun!

It was then around 2pm and the sun was scorching HOT...We had umbrellas, sun cream, drinks & mineral water but the weather was too hot for us; so we went to the souveneir shop and had a look around all the overpriced items. We left Legoland and into the adjacent mall for lunch. We reached the hotel around 4pm ready to rest and sleep because tomorrow is another adventure for us to enter Singapore.

Saturday 17th November 2012

Singapore is my hometown, the place I used to spend my Eid as a child.

We survived Legoland and today, we shall see if I will survive driving into Singapore without getting a fine. We left the hotel at around 10am and I looked at my car and thought "There is no way my car is entering Singapore looking like that!" so, I took the car for a wash. The drive from the hotel to Woodlands was less than 5 minutes but we had to wait an hour to get pass the check points due to the jam. First we went through the Malaysian Immigration and then the Singaporean Immigration and then I had to buy the Autopass card which is like a vehicle entrance and exit card. It can be topped up at any 7-11 or just before Singaporean Immigration at the exit. It can also be used for parking.
After the check point, it was a straight road from BKE to SLE and then TPE. I was so nervous I couldn't believe it cause I had never driven into Singapore by myself before. I had to remember not to go into CTE because it is a toll road. The first thing we noticed as we entered Singapore was how orderly everything looked. The roads, the trees, the sign boards...everything was precise and order which was nice but very scary at the same time. I felt I had to be on guard at all times.

After missing a few turns and getting extremely frustrated because I was afraid to take U-turns at traffic lights in case it was prohibited, I went round and round looking for my cousin's apartment and I took for granted about my mobile phone call plans and didn't opt for international calls so, I couldn't call anyone but Tawakkal Ala Allah, I finally found her flat. It was a nice little cosy 3 bedroom flat. There were high rise flats everywhere and they call it 'pigeon hole'. I was greeted by all of my family members and we had the best day ever. Alhamdulillah I have such wonderful uncles, aunts and cousins. We chatted and chatted. The kids enjoyed meeting their cousins too and they played as though they had been playing together everyday since birth.

We left Singapore at 8.30pm after praying Maghrib, dinner and more chats. I just found out that my uncle is a biker and he owns the biggest Harley Davidson in the whole of Singapore. Wow! Didn't realize I have such cool and interesting uncles. The journey back was uneventful, got passed the two checkpoints. Made a few rest stops along the way and reached KL at 2.30am. I was shattered but so grateful to Allah SWT for an amazing holiday.

>>>>>>>

Tips to Legoland

- Due to hot weather, bring sun block cream, umbrellas, hats and lots of drinks. They have restaurants and drinks booth but it is expensive and sometimes full of people. The map of Legoland is given FOC. Try to go anti clockwise to avoid long queues.

- Legoland is very suitable for young children, the rides are mild and not super scary like some theme parks. It is very child friendly and enjoyable for kids from 3+ (this is my own opinion)

>>>>>>>

Tips to Singapore

- Get your Singapore entry card before reaching Immigration and fill it in prior to entry.
- If your car is entering Singapore for first time, you have to buy an autopass which is in a booth just after the immigration. It costs (at the present time) S$10 and you can top up at any Singapore 7-11 or just prior to exiting. To exit Singapore, you put the card in the card slot at the Immigration exit booth and press car. S$1.20 will be deducted from the card.
- At the Malaysian Immigration when exiting Singapore, you have to pay RM2.30 by Touch N Go.
- There are parking at any flats, if you are visiting friends or family but you have to display parking coupons. You can get the coupons from 7-11 or your friends or family (if they have any)
- Singapore is notorious for traffic fines. People drive within the speed limit and do not disobey traffic rules and traffic lights.

Answering a child's question on 'rasuk' and 'hantu'

My son sat beside me with a serious look on his face. He asked me if it is true that there are ghosts in his school. He said that some students were possessed (rasuk). I asked him if he saw it and he said no but his friends told him.

I was like..."Kau percaya la kawan2 kau tu..." (and you believe your friends!)
He was saying "Diorang kata diaorang nampak dengan mata kepala diorang sendiri" (they said they saw it with their own eyes on their own heads)
So I said with a half serious sounding voice "Ye lah. Ade ke sesiapa yang nampak dengan mata kepala orang lain." (of course, does anyone see with other people's eyes on other people's head?)
He looked slightly confused. I like teasing my kids sometimes or my students. It is cute to see their reaction and the look on their faces.

Anyway, the serious bit came. I said
"Look! these things exist. All these ghosts Pochong, Momok, etc...etc...they are all Jinn or Syaitan. They just want to disturb us and scare us but we must remember that everything that exists in this universe belongs to Allah, is created by Allah so, the only One we should fear is God."

I continued...
First of all, we must believe (have Yakin) that God is the Most Powerful. Nothing else have Power but Him.

Secondly, try to avoid all these things as much as we can. Don't look for them, don't try to find them because even though they live in this world but they are in a different dimension so, don't look for trouble but if you do come across these things then....

Thirdly, seek protection from Allah SWT. We can seek protection by reciting Ayatul Qursi.

ٱللَّهُ لَآ إِلَـٰهَ إِلَّا هُوَ ٱلۡحَىُّ ٱلۡقَيُّومُ‌ۚ لَا تَأۡخُذُهُ ۥ سِنَةٌ۬ وَلَا نَوۡمٌ۬‌ۚ لَّهُ ۥ مَا فِى ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٲتِ وَمَا فِى ٱلۡأَرۡضِ‌ۗ مَن ذَا ٱلَّذِى يَشۡفَعُ عِندَهُ ۥۤ إِلَّا بِإِذۡنِهِۦ‌ۚ يَعۡلَمُ مَا بَيۡنَ أَيۡدِيهِمۡ وَمَا خَلۡفَهُمۡ‌ۖ وَلَا يُحِيطُونَ بِشَىۡءٍ۬ مِّنۡ عِلۡمِهِۦۤ إِلَّا بِمَا شَآءَ‌ۚ وَسِعَ كُرۡسِيُّهُ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٲتِ وَٱلۡأَرۡضَ‌ۖ وَلَا يَـُٔودُهُ ۥ حِفۡظُهُمَا‌ۚ وَهُوَ ٱلۡعَلِىُّ ٱلۡعَظِيمُ
  
and wherever you go, before you leave the house or in your journey or whenever you feel afraid, you can read "bismillahillazi la yadurru (arabic)..."

بِسـمِ اللهِ الذي لا يَضُـرُّ مَعَ اسمِـهِ شَيءٌ في الأرْضِ وَلا في السّمـاءِ وَهـوَ السّمـيعُ العَلـيم 
In the name of Allah, by whose name nothing is harmed neither on the earth or in the heavens. And He is the All Hearer, All Knowing.
 
then he said that even though these boys read Qur'an, they read what they knew but they were still affected by the possession.

I replied, "Don't be afraid. Always read with yakin (conviction) and you must have confidence that Allah is the Most Powerful and nothing else is more Powerful. If you fear Allah, you will not fear anything or anyone but if you do not fear Allah then you will fear everything and everyone."

However, if these things still harm you or if anyone harms you, it means that Allah SWT is testing you. It doesn't mean that these things have any power because nothing can help you nor harm you without the permission of Allah. So, don't be afraid but don't go looking for trouble either.

Besides, you are a man. You will be the protector. Men are supposed to fight against oppression, to protect their family. You cannot be afraid when you are in the battlefield. Look at the sahabah (companions of the Prophet) they were not afraid of anything or anyone. So, we want to be like them inshaAllah. 

The best part was he hugged me and said 'thank you mom' Alhamdulillah...:-)
   

Amazed by Dr Zakir Naik's talk

Last night 7th October I went to watch Dr Zakir Naik LIVE at Putra World Trade Centre, Kuala Lumpur with my kids. This was my first time ever listening to his talk. He has been on a Malaysian tour for a few weeks now.

In the beginning, I was becoming a bit worried as he started to explain the meaning of Jihad in Islam. He talked about the Arabic definition of Jihad coming from the root word 'Jahada' meaning to strive and struggle. I agree with what he said but I was becoming concerned that he might be one of those 'apologetic' Muslims who restrict the meaning of Jihad to the struggle against one's own nafs...something which all human beings MUST do all the time as we struggle against our inner desires. That struggle for me is never ending until our last breath...

As the talk progresses however, I was completely amazed by his quotation not just of the Qur'an but also of the other scriptures. He went on to quote many Ayat in the Qur'an which talks about fighting (Qitaal) and giving examples on how he explains the command of fighting in Islam to non-Muslim by quoting their own scriptures on fighting. Fighting in the battlefield is undoubtedly a command from Allah SWT (Qur'an 2:216; 2:246; 9:5 and many others) and has been one method of striving and struggle to make the Truth prevail over the Falsehood (Qur'an 9:33). All men are obliged to be part of the army of Jihad under the Khilafah and to fight for Truth and Justice; and to fight against oppression; to observe all the rules and laws of fighting and NOT to oppress others.

Alhamdulillah Allah SWT has given Dr Zakir such a strong memory in memorizing the Qur'an and other scriptures and being able to explain very eloquently about the Deen and being able to answer questions thrown at him in a very sharp and clear way. However, Dr Zakir's message last night is that all Muslims are daie i.e. da'wah carriers and we have a duty to convey Islam to all people but I would like to add that da'wah is also to Muslims, to remind one another and the seeking of the knowledge of Islam is an obligation on all of us. Not everyone is given the talent to be an orator as Dr Zakir but there is no argument that is better than the Qur'an so even if we are no good at public speaking but inshaAllah with the knowledge of Islam, we will always hold the Truth and we can always convey the Truth.

May Allah reward Dr Zakir for his efforts and thank you for coming to Malaysia!

Thoughts to the family of Babar Ahmad

I am truly saddened to hear of the extradition of Babar Ahmad to the US. He lost his 8-years legal battle against the extradition since the time I was still in London. However, I am inspired by not just the brother himself but his entire family and especially his father Mr Ashfaq Ahmad who stood by him and worked tirelessly to clear his name and to keep him within the security of his family. He is a true Muslim father MashaAllah, May Allah reward you.

For more information on the entire story of Babar Ahmad go to www.freebabarahmad.com


I see myself here and how often we find ourselves preoccupied with trivial matters. I have seen how Muslims in this country hurt other Muslims, how they cheat and lie and rob and harm their own brothers and sisters in Islam (not all Alhamdulillah but it is happening) and I feel saddened and ashamed of what our society has become. I have now been back in Malaysia for only 3 years and I have experienced liars, cheaters, con men, even know friends who have been 'sihir' (black magic) and I never saw any of that in my brothers and sisters in the UK. No doubt the society in UK is no better or even worse than here but I'm talking about the Muslims in Britain. In UK, they were my family, they looked after me, protected me, helped me when I was alone with no family members to rely on. May Allah SWT reward the brothers and sisters in the UK with continuous strength and Iman.

Anyway, it really doesn't matter because the only thing that matters is the Mercy of Allah. There is no need to feel hurt or pain or vengeance because whatever harm that happens to us even if it is done by someone else be it a person, an individual, a state, the corrupt man made system...nothing ever happens without the Knowledge and Permission of Allah SWT. It is Allah SWT who puts us where we are.

I read on my friend's FB page that a brother Sh Muhammad Abdul Maqsoud of Egypt said "When I was placed in solitary confinement. I found that the brother that was in there before me had written on the wall: "Know that you have sold your soul for Allah.so if He wished, He can place it in a palace and if He wished He can place it in a cell. So do not become weak nor saddened and you will be superior if you are indeed believers."

He SWT says surah An-Najm: 42 "And that He is the One who makes (one) laugh and makes (him) weep". In fact, read the entire surah because it is beautiful and it makes us think and understand what we are or what we are not and why we are here. 

So, it is not about other people. Whatever happens to us and whoever hurts us or say whatever to us; it is never about that person or those people but it is all about our relationship with Allah SWT. 

May Allah SWT give strength to the family of Babar Ahmad and the 4 other brothers extradited with him. 

What to do before your Indonesian maid leaves Malaysia on holiday

My maid was due to leave on Friday for a three week holiday during Eid-ul Fitri. It was the night before that we were suddenly informed that she needed to have things done prior to leaving. Otherwise, she won't be able to come back i.e. she cannot leave Indonesia.

So, on Thursday morning I had to take an emergency leave and go to the Indonesian embassy. I had a meeting to attend though at 2pm. It was a challenge, a scene from Mission Impossible. We got there at 7.30 am and there was a queue that seemed to go on forever. I parked my car next to the embassy and this guy came and said "Bagi saya RM20 dan saya boleh tolong bawa ke depan..." He was like shouting saying "Give me RM20!!!" I thought to myself, OMG! I am being approached by a 'lanun'.

Somehow, we managed to get to the front of the queue in front of the embassy gates. As soon as the gate opened, everyone was pushing and shoving but the guards made it clear that women go in first and men have to wait. Now, that is what I call a gentleman country. My maid had to go through a maze to get the necessary forms. I had to enter separately and wait for her. This 'makcik' approached me and asked if I could fill in the forms for her cause she could not read nor write. So, anyway we helped her and she shoved RM1 into my hand. I'm like..."No! no! I don't want money." but she insisted so, I shoved the money into my maid's hand.

There were so many people and we had to wait around until 9.30 am before the counter actually opened. I was like making doa that things will be done quickly so, I could get home in time to attend this meeting. Then Alhamdulillah our number was the first to be called.YEAY!

So, this is what we needed:

1. Borang tukar alamat - meaning a form to put the employer's home address on to the maid's passport
2. Insurance proteksi - Indonesian insurance which you have to get from the car park beside the embassy. You have to hand in the maid's passport, photocopy of the passport and employer's IC. It costs somewhere between RM115 - RM130 and there's only ONE Indonesian insurance.
3. Malaysian health and life insurance - there's several companies you can go to at the car park and they cost somewhere between RM75- RM100
4. Surat perjanjian - with all the documents above, maid's passport, employer's IC, insurance both Indonesia and Malaysia you need to fill in an agreement letter which you get from one of the counters and sign it.

To get the employer's address into the passport was pretty easy and didn't take very long. The queue for the Indonesian insurance at the car park took ages cause I guess a lot of maids were leaving the country for Hari Raya. The 'lanun' guy who asked me for money came back when I was queuing for the insurance. He was like telling me off saying "Kan saya dah cakap awak perlu insurance" Well, in my heart I was like...you approached me like a lanun (pirate) so how was I supposed to believe you? Anyway, I said "Takpe semua bagus, semua dah selesai. Jangan risau, jangan panik" Then, he was like defensive and said "Eh! saya tak risau dan tak panik" then he walked off.

I had to come back another day to sort out the employment agreement cause there was no time. The good thing is...they are quite advanced with using internet and stuff, so I could actually get the agreement letter bit done after my maid has left the country and email it to her.

There is a notice at the employment agreement counter regarding the worker's card that the maid has to make whilst she is in Indonesia. There are several centres they can go to all over Indonesia to make these cards. So, make sure you get the address of these centres and telephone numbers.

I came back another day to get the employment agreement signed and chopped. It is a standard agreement form that you get from the counter. I came at 4pm but the main entrance was closed so, I had to go in through the EXIT way. When I got there, the guy was like..."Kenapa datang lambat sekali, kita dah nak tutup Dik" but I charmed my way into getting him to sort it out. Then there was another lady who bullied and complained her way to get them to sort it out. Well, whatever works really! Yup...beg, charm or bully...

So, once the employment agreement was sorted and chopped, I scanned and emailed the documents to my maid. On top of that, the maid has to get a letter of 'release' from the head of the village (ketua kampung) to say she is allowed to go and work in Malaysia. Yup...as I say Mission Impossible. Alhamdulillah she got it all done and got the card.

With all the hassle...at least she simply strolled out of the country and back here with me!

So, for hassle free return and not having to pay fines and penalties blah blah... just sort these things out preferably NOT a day before your maid wants to go back.

The true meaning of love

The situation in Syria continues...the fighting, killing and suffering. Nobody wants to live in a war zone, everybody wants to live in peace. When I was making a decision to return to Malaysia, I was afraid that things might change. I was afraid if this country would suffer the same fate as Afghanistan, Iraq or the Middle East. I do not want to see war, chaos, disorder but the world is changing every day and the political situation all over the world seems so unstable, it is hard to imagine what will happen tomorrow.

I was watching Al-Jazeera and a Syrian man said something that affected me. He said his people have lost everything. They used to have a thriving economy, oil, universities, schools, business, factories but now they have lost everything...there is no businesses, no petrol, no homes, no security and not even knowledge. He said "we have nothing left except God".

Most people who listen to that statement would think this man is the poorest person alive, how pathetic is he compared to someone who lives in Sri Hartamas with a big mansion and several sports cars. In the eyes of the world, the one with the wealth, the children, the mansion, the fancy gadgets...that is the rich person, the successful person. However, for me...I have come to understand that when a person has lost everything they've ever loved, when God takes away everything and He leaves a person with nothing but Himself, that is actually the richest person alive.

Why? because the world and everything in it is nothing compared to a REALIZATION, an UNDERSTANDING...that all of this is temporary, is borrowed, is unreal compared to the reality of the hereafter. I don't know how else to say this but that REALIZATION, like when you're in a dark room and you can't see a thing but suddenly someone switch the light on and you start to see everything...that KNOWLEDGE, that ability to see what you have never seen before, that is what makes a person RICH beyond all means...beyond all wealth...beyond this world.

There will be sceptics or atheist or people who will think that I'm talking about some myth, some mumbo-jumbo or just making up a deity to make human beings feel better but No! I'm talking about holding on to the One who ensures that the sun rises in the morning, that the moon rises in stages to complete a full month, that the rain falls down from the sky to bring life to a barren land, the One that ensures that gravity exist at all times to pull us down firmly on the ground. I'm talking about the One who ensures everything is constant everyday without fail...

Surely we do not believe that the universe runs by itself like a ship without a captain, an airplane without a pilot or a hospital without a manager? Everything requires someone to regulate it, to make sure that things run smoothly and according to plan. Allah SWT says in the Qur'an:

Chapter 10:5 "He it is who made the sun a shining brightness and the moon a light, and ordained for it mansions that you might know the computation of years and the reckoning. Allah did not create it but with truth; He makes the signs manifest for a people who know. 

When you lose something special...you must remember that it is Allah SWT who took it from you. Allah gives and He takes and He replaces it with something better. When you sacrifice the things you love for the sake of Allah SWT, you start to appreciate the true meaning of love.

When everyone leaves you, when they hurt you, when your heart is broken, when you are harmed by others...you understand that God never leaves, He never forsakes you, He never ignores you, He heals, protects, comforts you. He forgives and He shows Mercy. He is always there ready to accept your repentance and ready to answer your prayers (dua). 

 

Siblings ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE

They are at it again, my two older ones...squabbling, arguing, fighting with words. I left the room and all I said was "Hey you two, just make sure your arguing don't turn into crying..." cause sometimes it does!

Sometimes it is actually very funny, often hilarious and could be turned into some kind of comedy. I should just tape it sometimes without their knowledge and play it back to them someday when they are older. Right now they are arguing about who is more spotty i.e. who has more chicken pox spots.Yup that's kids...they argue about the silliest of things, ridiculous things...often adults too argue about lame things. So, how can we blame the children?

Sometimes I think they actually enjoy it...my two older ones. They actually enjoy having a real good B****y lame squabble which ends with name calling. Maybe it is a kind of sibling bonding session, maybe it makes them closer, built that kind of brotherly-sisterly love or something. I don't know! Sometimes when I say, "Hey you two stop arguing!" They look at me as if they just noticed my presence and say "we're not arguing!" Hmm...

That's just siblings I guess...argument is part of life. Siblings argue and fight but they will make up soon enough. I just hope that will always be the case...

Chicken pox and the kids

Two weeks ago my 6-year old daughter developed Chicken pox or Varicella Zoster. She was fine the day before, I took her shopping and noticed a few pimply spots on her nose. The next day she woke up with spots all over...circular red spots or known medically as 'maculo-papular'.

I recognised instantly that it has to be chicken pox but with no pre-spot symptoms or what we doctors call 'prodromal symptoms' such as fever, headache, lethargy, nausea or vomiting...I was still in denial. I took her to the GP and she confirmed it was chicken pox.

She gave her some liquid Aciclovir and also, a cream to put on her spots. The dose of oral Aciclovir is five times a day so, you have to give it to the child every 4-5 hours. There are lots of debate about the efficacy of Aciclovir. Most say that it only works if given early at least within 72 hours of contracting Chicken pox.

Chicken pox starts with a kind of small pimply rash, red in colour which turns into a larger red raised rash all over the body. It also becomes blisters.

I found out that she picked it up at nursery from one of the other children. The best time to get chicken pox is actually during pre-school age. The symptoms are mild although the spots look horrendous but their young rejuvenated skin will soon heal without much scarring inshaAllah provided they do not scratch.

The most infectious period is actually 2-3 days prior to the rash appearing and also during the period of blistering. Once the rash is totally crusted over and is dry, it is no longer infectious. So, the infectious period from appearance of first rash is usually around 10 days.

After 4-5 days the blisters start to crust over and looks sort of blackish. During this period, there is a mixture of rashes, blisters, red spots and those crusted over...

The rash is very itchy so, doctors usually recommend parents to put on some calamine lotion to soothe the child. It is best to dab the child with the lotion rather than to rub it on. Calamine doesn't really help to heal the rash but it does keep the skin cool. The child may also benefit from some anti-histamine medication such as Piriton (not recommended in children under 1 years old) for its anti-pruritic (anti-itching) properties. It is also slightly sedative and will help the child to sleep.

I was fortunate that I had chicken pox when I was younger because the older you are the worse symptoms you get. As I said, my daughter was laughing, jumping, smiling, playing, screaming happily all throughout the chicken pox period. You wouldn't imagine that she was ill at all...

Chicken pox is one of those illness that gives you life long immunity. Once you get it, you should not get it again. Some people claim that they develop chicken pox a second time, that could either be due to previous misdiagnosis. It is easy to misdiagnose chicken pox as there are so many other types of viruses that can give you post-fever rash (known simply as viral rash) or if it is true that one has chicken pox twice, that person is just truly UNLUCKY...what can I say? They are one of the unlucky ones out of thousands and millions who only get it once.

Oh! the other thing is...people do get mixed up between Chicken pox and Shingles. Chicken pox is when you get it the first time after being exposed to another person with CP. Shingles is when your old Chicken pox gets reactivated usually in a particular localised area without you being exposed to anyone else with Chicken pox. 

Anyway, just two days before Eid-ul Fitri, all my other kids developed those same red spots and blisters. The incubation period meaning the time from which you are exposed to someone with chicken pox and you developing symptoms is somewhere between 10-14 days. So, another misconception is that people believe if you are exposed to someone with CP today, tomorrow you will develop the spots!Duh!!!

As expected my eldest had the worst symptoms, fever, joint ache, headache and just feeling totally crappy! This time I was ready though, I have kept a supply of Aciclovir and as soon as we saw the spots, I gave her the medication. My youngest is covered with spots but he's laughing, playing, jumping around as usual. So, my advice to parents is...if possible get your kids to have chicken pox when they are preschoolers somewhere between 4-7 years old. You would be doing them a favour. That is why in some cultures, they have chicken pox parties just to get it out of the way.

On top of that, you can't run away from chicken pox. If you missed it as a child, you are most likely to develop it as an adult especially when you have kids of your own...they go to nursery and pick it up from somewhere, you too will pick it up from them.

Once healed the Chickn pox will be dried and totally crusted over...it is very important NOT to pick on the crust and allow the crust to shed itself. This is to avoid any scarring. Once, the crush is shed, new skin has been formed underneath and the rash will heal nicely inshaAllah.

As for me, we manage to spend a day of Eid-ul Fitri with family and I am glad that now they have all had chicken pox. There is blessing in everything and we just have to be grateful, have Tawakkal that everything happens for the best. Alhamdulillah

Parenting is so COOL! two little stories to share.

The beautiful Mercy of Allah who puts love and mercy in the hearts of parents

STORY ONE: ABOUT LOVE

My son came and sat down beside me, staring at me as I was reciting Qur'an. It usually means he wants something, a drink, some food, request for a new toy...I looked at him irritated. "What do you want?" I yelped. (In my mind I was thinking...why do you kids always have to disturb me when I'm doing something important?)

He looked at me hesitating to speak.
"Come on, just say what you want!" I was getting more frustrated.

He plucked up the courage to finally speak his mind. He said "Mummy, one day if i ever love my wife more will you remind me?" I looked him, bit surprised by his question.
"What do you mean?" I asked "If you love your wife more than who, Allah?"
He said, "No, if I love her more than you."
His face was serious..."will you please remind me!"
Oh...how my heart melted like butter. "Come here, baby" I said putting my arms around him.
"Mack!" I said calling his pet name. "Love is not like a cake where you have given me one whole cake and when you have a wife, you have to cut the cake into half to give half to me and half to your wife. Love is not something solid that has to be divided. Love is something that grows. The more you give, the more it grows."

"First of all..."I continued "You should love Allah number ONE and the Prophet SAW." Then, you have your responsibility towards your mom, your siblings, your wife and kids but love is not something where the more you share, the less it becomes. Love is enough for everyone. Also, inshaAllah I too will love your wife and she will love me and so there will be more love to share with more people, okay?"

His serious face broke into a smile. "Oh! I think I understand" he said.

WELL, how do you explain love to a child? Even most adults do not understand it and poets have composed on it and writers have written on it but what is love? I don't know much but I do know that love is like a fruit tree, if you look after a fruit tree, nurture it and give it enough good soil, sun and water...it grows and it will produce more and more fruits. It is unrestricted and will give goodness to all those who appreciate it.

STORY TWO: ABOUT MAKING DUA

My daughter came into my room as I was lying down relaxing, having some 'ME' time.
"Mom! can we go and watch Batman?"
I was like..."What? it is Ramadhan and you want to go and watch a movie???"
"Yeah...well what's wrong with that?" she asked.
I said,"I mean, it is Ramadhan and people want to do Ibadat and read Qur'an. I don't want to watch a movie. I still have to catch up on so many Juz!"
She looked disappointed but she conceded and said "Oh! okay mom"

Then, the next day I went to KFC to buy food for Iftaar and guess what? They gave me two RM4.00 off coupons for TGV cinema. I didn't even realized it when I was ordering the food. I thought this is Rizk! So, I came home and said to my daughter. "Err...did you make dua?"
She said, "about what?"
Me, "About watching Batman."
She said, "no!"
Me, "Well, I've got two cinema coupons and so, I guess we could go and watch Batman if you want."
and so, we did end up watching "The Dark Knight rises" last night. It was entertaining and fun. We shared a cake before the movie and a Tropicana smoothie from Secret Recipe. We even had coupons off pop corns, so we shared a regular pop corn between us. She told me how happy she was for the mom and daughter bonding session.

I told my daughter, "see Fudge (her pet name). This is Ramadhan where whatever dua you make inshaAllah it will be granted. In fact, you didn't even have to make dua. you just need to say...'I want to watch Batman' and look! here we are. So, use this opportunity to make lots of dua during this month okay? Ask Allah for all good things, for Iman, taqwa, make it easy for us to practice Islam, for rizk, for health and NOT to watch Batman!" I said to her with a joking smile.

Children grow so fast...it is not easy to bring them up in this very challenging environment. May Allah SWT make it easy for us Ameen.

SOME PARENTING DUA

And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." 

Dua for a soleh/solehah child, for the child to love salah (prayer)

My memories of Singapore "Kampung Melayu" Jalan Eunos

I miss my time in Redang Island. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. The clear blue sea, swimming among the fish, lazing by the beach watching the sun rise. It was almost paradise on earth. I loved watching the lifeguards being boisterous, pushing one another off the jetty, swimming in the deep water so easily like they were dolphins. They seemed so happy. They live such simple lives and how much I wish for a simple life.

I have lived all of my life in big cities. I was born and brought up in Kuala Lumpur and then spent 17 years in London. City life is all I ever knew. My only experience of 'kampung' (village) is going back to Singapore Kampung Melayu, Jalan Eunos, my grand-mother's house many years ago which by now, has been destroyed and the land taken over by the government. The compensation given were peanuts compared to the memories that have been taken away from the entire future generation.

My grand-mother's house was a real kampung house. My grand-ma's house was right opposite the masjid where my grand father used to be the imam before he had a massive stroke  and became bed ridden for 10 years. The house was massive with three living rooms and five bedrooms. Each living room is like the size of an entire apartment. You go down the steps into the kitchen which was humongous. However, the drawback was the toilet was outside in a small tiny hut with raised platform, a big gaping hole in the middle and a 'poo' pail underneath. As a small child, that was a disaster especially when you need to do your business in the middle of the night. However, we used to have chickens, goose and cats.

Those were the days when going back to Singapore for Hari Raya Eid-ul Fitri was like going to heaven. I used to enjoy it so much seeing my aunts and uncles, cousins and everyone. My Singaporean aunts and grand aunts were so loud. When they speak, the whole village could hear them. It was almost like they were shouting to one another but they were actually being friendly.

When my cousins come, we used to run around and play catching. We were so happy and I love to see people being happy. It was a simple life in my kampung. My grand-mother would spend most of the time in the kitchen. She was like super efficient and would do everything by herself. She will not allow anyone to help her because she didn't want people to get in her way. She always used to fry lots of chicken because that was my favourite and she used to cook so many dishes. She was always busy, always doing something. I don't think I ever saw her sitting down doing nothing.

She looked after my bed ridden grand father for 10 years. He had his bed just next to the kitchen and he could only say two words "Allah" and "Nab" which is for Zaynab (my grand mother's name). All the time I could hear him say "Allah...Allah...Allah...". I never met him when he was well but my mom tells me about him all the time, how clever he was, how intelligent he was, how understanding he was...I feel like I've known him all  of my life. My grand mother also looked after a niece who was paralysed since birth. she used to make dolls for us out of cloth. She would make a doll house too out of card board.

I enjoyed my childhood Alhamdulillah and it wasn't about anything big or expensive, it was the simple things in life that I enjoyed the most.

Parenting secrets...to be shared

Well, it is not actually a secret but I just want to highlight the qualities that one develops when one becomes a parent. It really doesn't matter if you are a parent to your own biological child or if you have adopted children. Simply by assuming the role of being a parent, you join the parenting club. You then discover so many secrets to life that you may not have understood before...

1. HAVING ULTIMATE POWER DOES NOT CORRUPT

You hold the tiny baby in your arms. This young, innocent, helpless being is at your mercy and you hold it with such gentleness and care. Having that much power over something does not mean that you will abuse it. Most normal sane intelligent human beings do not abuse their children and would never dream of harming them. When you hold your baby for the first time, you get a glimpse into the future. This child depends on you to sustain him/her, to feed, clothe, clean, teach, protect and everything else until this child achieves independence and the ability to look after him/herself. You realize that the power you have is a Trust (Amanah) from Allah SWT.

Psychologist have argued this as a case that POWER by definition DOES NOT CORRUPT an individual rather, it is the failure of that person to see his position as a responsibility and when other factors such a pride, greed or jealousy takes over that the person see power as a means to manipulate, oppress, subjugate and abuse others.

2. ANGER DOES NOT EQUAL HATE.

Sometimes parents get so mad at their kids for something they did wrong but by hating the child's actions does not mean they no longer love their children. You love your children no matter what they do or who they are. Sometimes when I am tired or stress and I just want the kids to leave me alone and go away, it doesn't mean that I no longer love them. Sometimes I tell them to go away and suddenly I hear a cry or a scream and I will just get up from my relaxing 'me' time to ensure that they are okay.

Moms just do it instinctively...all of the sudden the adrenaline kicks in and your tiredness disappears. You will always love your children in whatever situation. The love is there all the time, it is forever and unchanging and that is also known as 'unconditional love'.

Parents learn that when you are angry at someone, it doesn't mean you hate them. You may hate their bad action, you may be disappointed in them or just frustrated but you will always love them.

3. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

The real reason for parents to love their children unconditionally is because they do not have any need from the child. The child needs the parents, the child is dependent on the parent but the parent should never depend on the child. Have you seen a little toddler? He is so excited to gain some independence by being mobile...he runs around the park but every so often he will find his mother or father. This is because despite his new found 'freedom' he still requires the security and comfort that his parents give to him.

The parent is there like a solid block that stands tall and strong; and the child looks to that for support and strength. There is no doubt that parents enjoy the love, the affection that the child gives 'unconditionally' and adoringly to the parents but to enjoy that gift is different from relying on it. A child does not have the maturity to carry the burden of supporting the parents. The child cannot be given the responsibility to 'mother' or 'father' the parent. It should be the other way around. As a doctor, I have heard young pregnant moms say "I want a baby because I want to be loved". That is dangerous and it could be a sign of some underlying personality problem or previous childhood issues that needs to be resolved before that person has a child.

This is also important for single parents (moms or dads) to just be aware of...sometimes when we become a single parent, it is ever so tempting to start relying on our children for support. However, that could be detrimental to the child. Find your close friends or family members for strength and support but when it comes to the children, you are their source of strength NOT the other way around. Remember: do not burden your child with your emotional problems or weakness.

4. TEACHING HOW TO PROBLEM SOLVE

Life is all about problems as Allah SWT tells us that life is a test and hence, the task in life is to problem solve. Bringing up children and nurturing them is also about teaching them how to solve life's problems. When you love your child, it is a natural instinct to protect them from the world, to solve their problems for them, to do things for them but doing everything for your child would hamper his/her growth and ability to become independent. Childhood is merely a trial period in preparation for adulthood. Children need parents to teach them how to behave, the difference between right and wrong, self discipline, organization, time management and all the NILAI-NILAI MURNI (good morals and manners). They need the skill to grow into responsible adults.

Boys need to learn to become responsible leaders, to be tough in life because they will be the bread winners, the protectors, the one responsible for the entire family. They need to have the skills to protect the family, the community, the state. They also need to learn to be kind, understanding and forgiving as these are important leadership skills.They need to be able to negotiation, communicate and resolve conflicts.

Girls need to learn to have inner strength, to have patience, caring and kindness. However, they also need to be strict and to be able to impose boundaries because they are responsible for the upbringing of the children, to instil discipline into the child, teaching the children to have good values, morals and manners. They need to learn to express themselves and get their views across and to demand for their rights. They hold the key to the checks and balances of the husband-wife relationship.

FINALLY

Children need the active input from both parents, the mom and dad and this is irrespective of whether the couple are still together or living apart. Children will form a special relationship with each parent and no one should ever prevent the child or be an obstacle for the child to develop that healthy relationship with either of his/her parents.

Always think about the interest of the child. Avoid jealousy or creating any negativity or rifts between the child and his/her parents. Children are a trust (an Amanah from Allah SWT). As we bring up our children we start to realize that we learn so much from them as much as they learn from us.

Islam FIRST, Malay culture SECOND

There are so many Malaysians who study abroad and it is a great opportunity to spread your wings, to learn about other people's cultures and attitudes. When I was abroad I was exposed to Muslims from all over the world and it taught me that Islam is universal...there are Muslims who are white, black, brown from all over the globe and we all share the same Aqeedah, the principals of shahadah applies to all, we pray the same way, we fast the same way, and we all love Allah SWT and the Prophet SAW.

However, I also learned that there is a difference between culture and Islam...what is within the culture of that particular nation or race does not necessarily come from Islam. Hence, it got me to realize that many of the culture and traditions practiced in Malaysia is not from Islam, the ideas, attitudes and opinions are not from Islam and that I do not need to abide by those ideas, attitudes, opinions and behavior to be Islamic. I can be different and I do not need to conform. That knowledge liberated me as I have always been one of those who rebelled from the norms of the Malay culture. Now, I can be different...I can be who I want to be and most importantly, I can be whom Allah SWT wants me to be without adhering to cultural norms. That is one of the liberating aspects of going abroad.

First of all, living in the UK it taught me that I am a Muslim and my bond and relationship with the people around me is defined by the fact that I have chosen to say "la ilaha illAllah, Muhammadur Rasulullah". My loyalty is only to Allah SWT and to Islam. My race is only something I was born into but it bears no relevance to who I am and what I want to be. The Muslims in the UK taught me that the bond of our Aqeedah extends beyond the bonds of race and kinship. We are truly ONE UMMAH, the Ummah of Muhammad SAW. Hence, although I have no qualms in admitting and recognizing that I am a Malay. The Malay race is a wonderful race with rich history and traditions but take what is good and leave the bad. I am grateful to Allah SWT that he has created me the way I am, the way I look, my skin colour and gave me my wonderful parents but I am not defined by being one. I am defined by the fact that I am a Muslim and I am proud to be a Muslim. 

Secondly, Muslims come in all shapes, colours and sizes. Muslims come from the west, east, south and north. There are white converts, black converts, Chinese converts and there are Muslims from Africa, South America, Russia, Europe, Middle East and South East Asia. Some have blond hair and blue eyes and some have the darkest of skin but they are all the same, they all love Allah SWT and the Prophet Muhammad SAW. None is better than the other; and none have the advantage or disadvantage from one another. Allah SWT only judge us from our taqwa, our obedience to Him. 

Thirdly, Muslims from all over the world have their own culture and norms but it doesn't make it right or wrong. They have their own traditional dish, their own traditional clothes, own languages and accents, their own views on marriage and family life...but in the end, it doesn't matter cause the only thing that matters is what Allah SWT says is right or wrong for e.g. in some cultures, women are not allowed to work but that is a culture that has sprung from somewhere other than Islam. If Islam says a woman is allowed to work, it doesn't matter what the culture dictates.

Fourthly, Muslims have different characteristics and personalities...there is not ONE TEMPLATE on how a person has to behave. When I was in the UK, I had so many Muslim friends from all over the world. Some talk a lot, some are quiet, some are highly opinionated, some are shy, some are harsh and some are soft, some are domineering and some prefer to take the back seat but at the end of the day, they are all Islamic in their personalities. There is no such thing as this one template fits all...this so called ONE well defined 'Muslimah' character that all women have to aspire to be. In fact, we saw this during the time of the Prophet SAW e.g. Aishah r.a was a strong person with a strong opinions, Khaulah was a brave person who stood up against her own husband when she felt he did something wrong, Fatimah was a shy person. Asma' was a brave and intelligent person. Every woman had their own strength in character.

Finally, what I have learned from being abroad is the strength of IDENTITY. There should be no identity crisis within us. Our race is simply a race but our identity is Islam. Our guide is the Qur'an and Sunnah. We can take what is good and in adherence to Islam within our culture but any part of the culture that is in contradiction to Islam should be rejected. If Islam says it is allowed, if Islam says it is okay then, there is nothing that culture can say to make it 'bad' or 'wrong'. If Islam says it is haraam then, there is nothing in the culture that can make it 'okay' or 'good'. If we refer to Qur'an and Sunnah then, things will be okay but if we start to divert...to fight for culture and race and asabiyyah (nationalism, tribalism) then we will definitely lose.


These things I've learned I will hold on to inshaAllah until the end of time...

First day of Ramadhan 1433H

Ramadhan 1433H

Today is the first day of fasting. We are fortunate this year that fasting started on a Saturday, a holiday and so, it has been a gentle introduction to this very rewarding month.

So, it has been the usual Saturday activities except no extra school for the kids. Going to the wet market (pasar tani), shopping at the supermarket, washing the car, having a long nap, the kids being entertained by their dad, cooking for breaking fast and lying down relaxing again. It has been a very relaxing day of fasting; of course not to forget recitation of the Qur'an. It is an annual thing for every Muslim to try and complete recitation of the entire Qur'an during this month.

This is my 3rd Ramadhan in Malaysia. I know the time of fasting is getting longer and longer in the UK. My friends told me that they have iftar at 3.40am and break their fast at 9.40pm. That is a long...time SubhanAllah. How fortunate are we that the duration for fasting in this part of the world doesn't change much. It is always from around 5.40am until 7.30pm.

I feel light this Ramadhan, I'm not talking about physical weight but I feel like a burden have been lifted off my shoulders. I feel free.... I feel my head is clear. I feel happy and excited to have the opportunity to experience this blessed month without guilt or disturbance.

Half an hour to go before the time for Iftaar (breaking fast). The Prophet SAW is so right when he said Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "Allah said, 'All the deeds of Adam's sons (people) are for them, except fasting which is for Me, and I will give the reward for it.' Fasting is a shield or protection from the fire and from committing sins. If one of you is fasting, he should avoid sexual relation with his wife and quarreling, and if somebody should fight or quarrel with him, he should say, 'I am fasting.' By Him in Whose Hands my soul is' The unpleasant smell coming out from the mouth of a fasting person is better in the sight of Allah than the smell of musk. There are two pleasures for the fasting person, one at the time of breaking his fast, and the other at the time when he will meet his Lord; then he will be pleased because of his fasting." 

Definitely, the most pleasurable moment for a fasting person is when he/she breaks his fast. I'm looking forward to breaking my fast soon...but I love you, Ramadhan.

The joys of coorperation versus the misery of competition (PART TWO)

Unfortunately, for the manipulators there is no way they will ever learn how to coorperate with others. They are social defects to a lesser or higher degree. Psychologist differ as to whether these people are born this way or became this way through environmental factors. Consensus shows that it is most probably 50:50 in terms of nature versus nurture.

Anyone can be a manipulator. It is not a great skill. Fortunately, most people have learned to coorperate. Most people understand that coorperation creates a healthy, happy environment whether in the work place, in educational institution, in family or romantic relationships.

On the other hand, some people may come across very strong characters who appear to be 'controlling'. These are influential people but they are different from manipulators. These people do not attempt to use anger, sulking, threats, silent treatment in order to achieve what they want rather, it is through their strength of character and their ability to convince others their ideas and thoughts that people tend to coorperate with them. These people have the ability to inspire others and bring out the best from other people rather than to create a state of misery in others.

There are also situations within a relationship where a person (B) relies heavily on the other person (C). This form of relationship between person B and C is almost like a parent-child relationship even though they are both adults. Dependent relationships are unhealthy and person C will eventually feel frustrated, exhausted and annoyed by person B. This is especially so when the man is dependent on the woman. The man is the head of the family, he is the leader and being a  leader, it is completely lack of macho to start depending on the woman no matter how strong she is.

A relationship is about giving and taking on both sides. Each side wants to gain something and wants to give something. That is the nature of a romantic relationship. it is entirely different from a parent-child relationship. A parent loves the child UNCONDITIONALLY. This can only be so because the parent does not need the child. When I say the parents do not need their child, I mean...the child especially during the early years are completely dependent on the parents for vital needs e.g. food, shelter, mobility and emotional needs. The parents however, do not need the child even though we ENJOY the love we receive from them. Hence, not having any other intentions of gains or reward from the child makes the parents love for the child unconditional.

There is no such thing as 'unconditional' love when it comes to romantic relationships. Within a romantic relationship, there is always something that each party wants to gain from the other, whether it is financial, love, companionship, security, physical etc...no one gets into a romantic relationship with another person for no gain whatsoever. If one does not need anything from the other person then, they are most likely to leave that relationship. A one-way relationship never ever goes well.

In children however, there are many ways to instill and reinforce coorperation whether it is to instill coorperation of good behavior during a shopping trip or within sibling rivalry. There are many good parenting books which are highly recommended such as 'Children are from heaven by John Gray' or 'The complete secrets of happy children' by Steve Biddulph' and many others. There are also various TV programmes such as 'Super nanny' and similar to show parents different methods in bringing out the coorperative nature within our kids. There is a REAL NEED for books and materials that teaches us Muslim parents on how the Prophet SAW instill good behavior, good habits and coorperation in the young sahabah. One such material is a series of talk titled 'Children around the Prophet' by Sheikh Awadi which may be downloaded HERE inshaAllah.

Hence, in today's complex world and where caning is no longer the key to disciplining our younger generation, parents need to develop the soft skills in order to raise happy, healthy and coorperative children. This ability to coorperate is essential for the child to blossom into an adult whom can develop healthy and happy relationships with others whether it is in the work place, educational institutions and romantic relationships.

The joys of coorperation versus misery of competition (PART ONE)

Parents are too familiar with this scenario of two children competing with one another for toys, for attention, for where to go for lunch. One wants McDonalds and the other wants roti canai. Often when children argue and fight, it is easier for parents to intervene and make decisions but sometimes, it is also important to encourage the children to learn to coorperate, to make a decision that is mutually beneficial to both even if one party has to 'lose' or 'give in' in order for both to gain something.

So, when that happened to my two little ones today, I told them to discuss and to agree on one place to go. My daughter wanted McDonalds ice-cream and my son wanted roti canai; they continued to argue and in the end, no mutual decision was made. Hence, we ended up not going to either of the two places.

When we got home, I spoke to them about coorperation and working together to achieve some gains even if it means someone has to give in at this particular time. If child A had given in to child B and we had gone for roti canai, she could still have an ice-cream at the mamak shop. To coorperate means to achieve some kind of gain even if it is not exactly what we wanted. Besides, not having McDonald's today does not mean we can't have McDonald's another day. If child B had 'given in' and we went to McDonald's then he could have had an ice-cream and possibly some fries or burger. Hence, to coorperate is a win-win situation.

A child is born with an instinct to compete. It is a part of their survival instinct. However, as a child grows and gets older, they learn to achieve what their want through a healthier mechanism which is through coorperation. In psychology, there is something called the Prisoner's Dilemma which in the context of compete versus coorperate can be summarized as below:

In this table, we can see the consequences of competition and coorperation between person A and B. If both of them coorperate, they both stand a chance of gaining something. If they continue to compete with one another, and no one backs down it is likely that both will stand to lose. If only one coorperates and the other continues to compete, it is likely that the competitor will win and the one who coorperates loses.

I said earlier that most people develop the skills during childhood to coorperate. They learn that coorperation creates a happier, healthy way of getting what we want. Unfortunately, some people never quite acquire these skills and as adults, they continue to view the world as a place to compete without the ability to coorperate with others. For them, to 'give in' is to lose and they can only win. When normal coorperative people encounter these 'competitive' people, they often view these competitive people as childish as they do not possess the social skills to coorperate with others whether in the work place, in education, in social situations or in romantic relationships.

It is expected and common for children to be competitive, to use tactics such as crying, sulking, tantrums, anger as a method of achieving what they want. Adults who do not have the higher social skills of coorperation will use similar tactics and other forms of methods such as silent treatment, ignoring, threats, guilt-trip which are often seen as manipulative.

Within a parent-child relationship, there is often a power-struggle as the child tries to exert his/her wants through crying, tantrums, anger or sulking e.g. a child who wants to have sweets just before bed time. The parent will say 'no' and the child may cry, sulk or throw a tantrum. However, within this parent-child relationship, the parent have a responsibility towards the child to protect the child from bad behavior and bad consequences. The parents have a responsibility to guide the child and to build discipline and good character within the child. This is healthy form of control.

This is different from the adult-adult relationship where one person tries to control and manipulate the other. In order to build a healthy adult-adult relationship, there has to be an element of coorperation. Any form of manipulation and control will only lead to resentment on the part of the one being controlled; eventually, the one who is subjected to control will leave the relationship. Remember the 'prisoner's dilemma' table...well, the one who coorperates and constantly loses to the competitor will eventually stop playing and leave the game; either that or the cooperator may through the acts of the competitor change and becomes a competitor and hence, both are subject to lose.

I used to know someone who told me that everyone he knows would eventually leave him especially when it comes to romantic relationships. For the purpose of confidentiality, let's just call this person 'A'. Unfortunately, 'A' is someone who has not developed the skills to coorperate and he is a manipulator. He has this 'fixed false belief' that anyone who is romantically involved with him will eventually leave him. Through this belief, 'A' often attempts to prove either consciously or subconsciously that he is right by 'testing' the other person. He will continue to test the other person through various methods until the person is unable to tolerate his manipulative behavior and eventually leaves; hence reinforces to him that everyone who loves him will one day leave him. This should come to no surprise as a person who is romantically involved with someone can only stand so much CRAP from the other person.

He has failed to recognize that through his 'testing' and manipulative tactics, people will eventually leave. He has failed to recognize that in order to form a healthy and happy relationship, one needs to coorperate with one another, rather than to view a relationship as a competition.

So, how do we develop the skills of coorperation?

(CONTINUE TO PART TWO - for answers)

Attending Yasmin Mogahed's talk in UM, Malaysia

On Sunday night I went to University Malaya, The Islamic Centre to listen to a talk by sis Yasmin Mogahed.

I've came across some of her talks on youtube around a year ago and was so intrigued by the things she said. The things she said are not new but it is the way she delivers the message that is so friendly, so easy for people to accept because she explains things in a way that make us think and also understand our nature as human beings.

So, when I found out that sis Yasmin was in Malaysia I couldn't miss this opportunity.

The talk was about the ocean of life...how not to drown in it. She gave the analogy of the heart as the boat. How the dunya is the ocean and that we should not allow the ocean to enter the boat as it will cause the boat to sink. Similarly, the dunya should not enter our hearts as it will only destroy us and we will sink in it. We can have the dunya but only hold it in our hand.

The sister reminded us that we live in this life as a traveler as the Prophet SAW says "Live in this world as if you are a traveller or a stranger". She gave a simple example, when we travel and we stay at a hotel for a few days, do we start to buy furniture, hang pictures on the wall, decorate the room? No one does that and the reason for it is because we know we will be leaving soon. Hence, to live in this world as a traveller is to have a mindset that this is not our permanent home. We will be leaving soon and we will not become too attached to this place.

She talks about how our hearts should only be filled with the love of Allah SWT and our attachment should only be for Allah SWT. This life is a journey and we are the travellers in this journey. The journey of this life is actually a journey to towards Allah SWT. He created us and he has put us in this world and the journey is actually our route back to Him. However, sis Yasmin made an important point, something for us to ponder. What part of us should travel along this journey. So many of us emphasize on our physical journey, which is the actions that we undertake with our physical self meaning for e.g. when we start to cover our awrah or pray 5 times a day. That in itself is part of the journey, to change our actions for the better. We pray, we fast, we go to talks, we may even do da'wah but as we focus on doing these actions (which are very important things to do) but what about our heart? Do our hearts follow our bodies within this journey?

As we engage in the physical activities which Allah SWT commanded us to do but do our hearts grow with it? Have we changed the inside of ourselves? Have we developed the qualities that Allah SWT loves? The journey of the heart is to remove the bad, ill feelings and to fill it with good feelings or characteristics e.g. forgiveness, patience, mercy, generosity and all other good things

Our physical aspect maybe doing the things we ought to do but in our hearts, do we forgive those who harm us? Do we judge others and think we are better than them? Do we get easily angry or offended? It is so important in this journey and in our quest to perform our obligations towards Allah SWT that we remember is it our hearts that is returning to Allah SWT (or you can call it our souls). The two things have to come together because the heart in itself without doing the actions is inadequate but to do the actions without purifying the heart is also futile.

In our attempt to cleanse our heart through mercy, forgiveness, patience and so on it is important to remember that this is purely for the sake of Allah SWT. Do not attempt to do anything good for the sake of the people. What I mean is we should not do anything just to please the people. The only One we should please is Allah SWT. If we please the people, we may become disappointed or feel rejected if our hard work becomes unappreciated. We will then start to feel resentful. On the other hand, if people appreciate our work, we will start to become dependent on their approval and our desire to please people will only lead us to become a door-mat which is not what Islam encourages us to be.

We should do good things and avoid bad things for the sake of Allah SWT alone and we should fill our hearts with good characteristics and throw away the bad characteristics only to be closer to Allah SWT.

Here I just want to bring up this issue of approval and I will give you my example of wearing himaar (tudung) and jilbab (jubah). I used to dress exactly the same way in the UK as I do now in Malaysia. I have not changed much (except there are prettier jilbabs sold here in Malaysia) but the difference is only in the perception of society.

In the UK, anyone seen or dressed as a Muslim woman is considered 'backwards'. I would walk into a room and immediately, the perception is 'she is oppressed' or 'she has no brains underneath that piece of cloth' or 'she can't speak English' or after Sept 11th incident, 'she must be a terrorist, she's hiding some kind of explosive device underneath all that material'. But you know what? I really didn't care what people thought of me. I knew I was different but I knew I was right. I was doing something that my Creator wanted me to do even if the whole world thinks I'm crazy. Once this stranger lady walking down the street even called me 'mad' for wearing hijaab during the summer. I guess she doesn't know how hot Malaysia is compared to summer in the UK and I still wear the hijaab. I did not need the approval of anyone and I did not need them to validate who I was.

Now, in Malaysia I'm still the same in my appearance and behavior. However, the perception is that someone who wears himaar (tudung) and jilbab (jubah) must be a pious person, have to talk a certain way, walk a certain way, act a certain way which exhibit some kind of piety. Well, that's not me at all. It seems harder when you are expected to be this kind of person like in a very cultural Malay sense but you are not, even though you do look the part.

So, what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter what the people think or their perception or expectations, you just have to focus on pleasing Allah SWT. The negative attitude of others is irrelevant when you are doing something that Islam expects from you. Your criteria for judgment is not what other people say or think but it is the Qur'an and Sunnah.

As for the heart, regardless of how things are and how people are...we have to continuously fill our hearts with good characteristics; purely for the sake of getting closer to Allah SWT and like sis Yasmin said, our heart should follow our actions on this journey. We shouldn't be doing the obligatory actions but the heart is missing....the heart is stagnant or that the heart is filled with evil and ill intentions. May Allah SWT protect our hearts from illness.

Tips on the phases of relocating from London to M'sia

Life is good Alhamdulillah. I have learned that life is always good if we remember to be grateful to Allah SWT and to have complete trust in Him.

Since I came back to Malaysia, at least another eight of my friends have also returned and not to mention so many others whom have returned before me. I am certain there are many whom I do not know of but have also decided to relocate back to Malaysia.

I have come to a conclusion that there are several things in common amongst those who return from London to Malaysia. Therefore, I would like to provide some tips based on our experiences to those intending to return to Malaysia.

1. When you first come back you will experience the feeling of complete excitement. After all, for most of us, we were born here and grew up here. You will enjoy the 'honeymoon' period, you will appreciate all the little things such as the sound of Adhan (well, I did and still do), the prayer room at every shopping mall and petrol station, the pasar tani, the variety of food and fruits, the 'Teh tarik', the scenery, the people. Everything is new and yet, reminds you of your past.

2. After the 'honeymoon' period which may last up to 2-3 months, you will start to experience some amount of frustration as you encounter things like government agencies, visa issues, work issues and bureaucracy. You will experience the stress of driving and wish that you were back in the UK. You will start to miss certain things like proper driving, efficient system and professionalism. Well, I call this the 'adjustment' period. Things are different here but different doesn't mean better or worse.

Somethings are definitely deficient but other things are better and may compensate for the things that you are missing from the UK. During this period, you may not be able to exactly pin point what are the things that you miss or why you miss them but it doesn't matter, your feelings are validated. You have spent a certain amount of time abroad whether it is 5 years or 17 years (like myself) but you are used to a particular system and now, you have to re-adjust yourself and your expectations. It is not easy and you might feel the resistance to change. Resistance is good because you need to hold on to the good things, the good aspects of UK that you have developed in yourself but you need to let go of other things which may not be so good in order to accommodate yourself in this new environment.

3. This adjustment period may last up to 2 years. It maybe quicker for some people to adjust especially for those who return earlier and it is certainly easier for children to adjust compared to their parents. During this period, you may sometimes wonder "Why the hell did I come back?" You may start to doubt your decision. You may consider moving back to the UK. Indeed, some people do end up moving back to the UK or seeking their fortunes elsewhere in the world.

During this time, it is actually advisable to go back to the UK for a visit. In fact, most of us including myself did exactly just that. No matter how organized you are, you will need to go back to the UK at least within the first 1-2 years of your return to Malaysia. You may need to pick up your tax return check, pay your last bills, sort out your bank account and the most important thing is to go back and remind yourself what you left behind.

There was a real good reason why you decided to leave your built up life of x amount of years, shipped all your possessions half way across the world, drag your children with you and leaving all your friends behind. So, go back and remind yourself why you left. Whilst you are there, use the opportunity to visit your friends, go back to your favourite hang-out place and restaurants, do the things you enjoyed previously and eat the things you loved to eat. You will remember the beautiful life you had, the good times but you will also remember why you decided to leave. (or if not, you may decide you want your old life back)

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed my short visit to the UK seeing all my friends again, eating Ryvita with cream cheese and smoked salmon but...I knew I didn't want to live there anymore. I had 17 wonderful years but I'm ready to move on.

4. Finally you will get to the 'settling' phase. This is where I am now. I am finally settled. Some may never get to this phase and if so, you may decide to move away. It doesn't matter cause the most important thing is that you have tried. However, if you do reach the settling phase then it is important for you to keep the good things that you have learned from the UK. Not everything from the UK is good. There are many not so good things which I can talk about but that will take a few more posts.

When I say the good things I mean the good attitude such as discipline, punctuality, professionalism, politeness, straight to the point, no pussy-footing, being civilized, treating others equally and with respect. It doesn't matter if you are surrounded by hooligans but it is your behavior and attitude that is important. You do not need to step down to the level of others.You define who you are and remember, Islam defines who we should be.

So, you will start to rebuild your life here in Malaysia. I believe there are so much more opportunities here for you and your children especially when your family are here and your friends are here. No doubt, it is a very strange, colourful and bizarre place; but if you are the type of person who enjoys a busy social life, to experience new and strange things, to spent most of your weekends surrounded by family and friends, to travel and see the most beautiful beaches and natural environments, to improve your skills in dealing with difficult personalities then, this is the place for you. It is a place full of challenges. One thing for sure, life is never boring!