Parenting secrets...to be shared

Well, it is not actually a secret but I just want to highlight the qualities that one develops when one becomes a parent. It really doesn't matter if you are a parent to your own biological child or if you have adopted children. Simply by assuming the role of being a parent, you join the parenting club. You then discover so many secrets to life that you may not have understood before...

1. HAVING ULTIMATE POWER DOES NOT CORRUPT

You hold the tiny baby in your arms. This young, innocent, helpless being is at your mercy and you hold it with such gentleness and care. Having that much power over something does not mean that you will abuse it. Most normal sane intelligent human beings do not abuse their children and would never dream of harming them. When you hold your baby for the first time, you get a glimpse into the future. This child depends on you to sustain him/her, to feed, clothe, clean, teach, protect and everything else until this child achieves independence and the ability to look after him/herself. You realize that the power you have is a Trust (Amanah) from Allah SWT.

Psychologist have argued this as a case that POWER by definition DOES NOT CORRUPT an individual rather, it is the failure of that person to see his position as a responsibility and when other factors such a pride, greed or jealousy takes over that the person see power as a means to manipulate, oppress, subjugate and abuse others.

2. ANGER DOES NOT EQUAL HATE.

Sometimes parents get so mad at their kids for something they did wrong but by hating the child's actions does not mean they no longer love their children. You love your children no matter what they do or who they are. Sometimes when I am tired or stress and I just want the kids to leave me alone and go away, it doesn't mean that I no longer love them. Sometimes I tell them to go away and suddenly I hear a cry or a scream and I will just get up from my relaxing 'me' time to ensure that they are okay.

Moms just do it instinctively...all of the sudden the adrenaline kicks in and your tiredness disappears. You will always love your children in whatever situation. The love is there all the time, it is forever and unchanging and that is also known as 'unconditional love'.

Parents learn that when you are angry at someone, it doesn't mean you hate them. You may hate their bad action, you may be disappointed in them or just frustrated but you will always love them.

3. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

The real reason for parents to love their children unconditionally is because they do not have any need from the child. The child needs the parents, the child is dependent on the parent but the parent should never depend on the child. Have you seen a little toddler? He is so excited to gain some independence by being mobile...he runs around the park but every so often he will find his mother or father. This is because despite his new found 'freedom' he still requires the security and comfort that his parents give to him.

The parent is there like a solid block that stands tall and strong; and the child looks to that for support and strength. There is no doubt that parents enjoy the love, the affection that the child gives 'unconditionally' and adoringly to the parents but to enjoy that gift is different from relying on it. A child does not have the maturity to carry the burden of supporting the parents. The child cannot be given the responsibility to 'mother' or 'father' the parent. It should be the other way around. As a doctor, I have heard young pregnant moms say "I want a baby because I want to be loved". That is dangerous and it could be a sign of some underlying personality problem or previous childhood issues that needs to be resolved before that person has a child.

This is also important for single parents (moms or dads) to just be aware of...sometimes when we become a single parent, it is ever so tempting to start relying on our children for support. However, that could be detrimental to the child. Find your close friends or family members for strength and support but when it comes to the children, you are their source of strength NOT the other way around. Remember: do not burden your child with your emotional problems or weakness.

4. TEACHING HOW TO PROBLEM SOLVE

Life is all about problems as Allah SWT tells us that life is a test and hence, the task in life is to problem solve. Bringing up children and nurturing them is also about teaching them how to solve life's problems. When you love your child, it is a natural instinct to protect them from the world, to solve their problems for them, to do things for them but doing everything for your child would hamper his/her growth and ability to become independent. Childhood is merely a trial period in preparation for adulthood. Children need parents to teach them how to behave, the difference between right and wrong, self discipline, organization, time management and all the NILAI-NILAI MURNI (good morals and manners). They need the skill to grow into responsible adults.

Boys need to learn to become responsible leaders, to be tough in life because they will be the bread winners, the protectors, the one responsible for the entire family. They need to have the skills to protect the family, the community, the state. They also need to learn to be kind, understanding and forgiving as these are important leadership skills.They need to be able to negotiation, communicate and resolve conflicts.

Girls need to learn to have inner strength, to have patience, caring and kindness. However, they also need to be strict and to be able to impose boundaries because they are responsible for the upbringing of the children, to instil discipline into the child, teaching the children to have good values, morals and manners. They need to learn to express themselves and get their views across and to demand for their rights. They hold the key to the checks and balances of the husband-wife relationship.

FINALLY

Children need the active input from both parents, the mom and dad and this is irrespective of whether the couple are still together or living apart. Children will form a special relationship with each parent and no one should ever prevent the child or be an obstacle for the child to develop that healthy relationship with either of his/her parents.

Always think about the interest of the child. Avoid jealousy or creating any negativity or rifts between the child and his/her parents. Children are a trust (an Amanah from Allah SWT). As we bring up our children we start to realize that we learn so much from them as much as they learn from us.