Collection of short notes in UK 2009

 Just a collection of short notes I wrote when I was in the UK. Re-posted with permission.

The quiet life in Britain

by Farrari Davis on Wednesday, 28 October 2009 at 22:21 ·

I was awake the other night listening to the sound of soft rain tapping on my window. It's funny how you seem to pay attention to small detail when you think you might never experience it again. It suddenly dawned on me how quiet life in Britain is. Apart from the sound of soft rain, there was nothing! Is there such a thing as the sound of nothing? I heard intermittent sounds of traffic passing by swiftly but in between there was nothing.

It was strange how I never noticed it before. I was raised in Malaysia and I remembered the sound of crickets at night. Then, after a heavy rainfall there was always the croaking noise of toads. Sometimes there will be cats miaw-ing in the background especially during mating season! Then, there's always some dog barking or my least favourite sound, the buzzing of mosquitoes.Occasionally, you'll hear a very strange sound possibly from a bird - and you wonder am I in the amazon? When I used to visit my grandmother at the 'kampung', I woke up to the sound of cocka-doodle-doooo and quacking ducks all ready for breakfast but not here, not where I live anyway. Even the chirping birds have migrated south. It is all quiet.

When I first came to the UK, I was told how the British people love peace and quiet. Finally after 18 years I understood what quiet means. Still waiting to find out what 'peace' means.

Back to where it all began.

by Farrari Davis on Friday, 16 October 2009 at 00:18 ·

Last Tuesday I went to Central London for a meeting. On the way home, I stopped by Marble Arch. As the doors of the Underground train opened, I felt a sense of dejavu. This was where it all started around 18 years ago, my life journey in the UK.

Marble Arch platform greeted me. "MIND THE GAP" it says. I stepped out and looked around. It was almost exactly the same as it was 18 years ago except it was looking rather bare due to renovations. Still, the same old squeeky elevator greeted me (renovations hasn't done the elevator any good!). I came out to the busy bustling Oxford Street and went into one of the London Souvenir shops for the very first time.

I'm leaving this place POSSIBLY for good so, might as well get a souvenir. I wouldn't have thought about it if I was staying here another 20 years. How many times have I gone to visit family back home and not bothered to buy them any souvenirs from a London souvenir shop? I looked at all items on display, miniature double decker buses, red post-box, red telephone box, underground signs, houses of parliament, Tower bridge, soft cuddly toy of the 'bulldog'.

I bought myself a miniature red post-box and a little double-decker bus. My friend told me to get something from UK that I won't get in M'sia but...disappointingly, it was still Made in China. Still, I felt that it was these little things that will remind of the UK.

How much I love...

My previous post is about how much I miss my life in England...
This post is about how much I love my new life in Malaysia...

I love waking up at the same time every morning to the call of sweet Adhan, how beautiful it is to wake up remembering that our life in this world is to worship Allah SWT.

KLCC Twin Towers

I love my journey to work, to view the amazing KLCC Twin Towers everyday, a postcard scenery. The cotton wool clouds above the hills and the sun rising from behind it. To look up into the sky sometimes and see an eagle gliding above.

I love having different jobs to do everyday, all my different roles...I'm a clinician, a teacher, a researcher, an administrator, a coordinator but best of all is having breakfast in the morning with my team members who are also my good friends.

My beautiful work place

I love seeing my patients who are ever so grateful to listen to my explanations, to hear me say 'you make me so happy cause your blood sugar is now controlled'. I know...sounds weird but that is the joys of being a doctor. To follow up someone from HbA1C of 10.0 and it goes down to 5.9, that really makes my day!

I love teaching my students and the look I get sometimes on their faces when I can see something had just made sense. They're not just absorbing or memorizing but something 'clicked' or a switch has been turned on. If I can make one person understand one thing or to spark a thought in someone...I feel that I have achieved something that day. 

I love sitting in my office, even though the air condition is freezing cold...listening to some music and doing my work, hiding inside my cave. It makes me feel like I'm back in England but reality hits me as soon as I leave the building and I'm greeted by the strong heat from the sun. 

I love spending weekends with my family, visiting relatives, attending weddings or going shopping. I've come to the conclusion that the Malaysian population census has been greatly underestimated. This is because no matter where I go, which ever shopping mall or supermarket or leisure centre, it doesn't matter if it is in Kuala Lumpur, Kota Bharu, Kuantan, Malacca or Johor bahru. It doesn't matter if it is Carrefour, Tesco, Jusco, KLCC Suria, Midvalley Mega Mall or Subang Parade...wherever I go, it is jammed packed with people. There's hardly any parking spaces and it just feels like the whole of Malaysia has followed me there.

Pulau Kapas, off Terengganu

I love going on holiday trips to visit the beautiful beaches on the East Coast of Malaysia and the Islands...white sandy beaches, big waves, strong cold wind...I just wish that the people would take more care to keep the beaches clean and to preserve its natural condition. Development is okay but we should never compromise cleanliness, safety and heritage for a miserly profit!

I love the fact that I can stop at any highway rest areas and there will be a 'surau' (prayer room) and the fact that there's hose pipes in the toilets...these little conveniences that make it easy for me to fulfill my needs as a Muslim.

I love that Maghrib is always around 7 - 7.30pm and I have a regular routine through out the whole year without having to get confused over prayer times and sleep cycle.

I love having breakfast at the Mamak shop, to have 'Tosai' and Teh tarik. To be able to go to almost any restaurant and it is halaal.

I love our beautiful home and all its amenities. To wake up in the morning listening to the birds singing.

There's so much to love...the food, the people, my family and friends...but it is so easy to get comfortable and complacent. So easy to forget to be  grateful to Allah SWT. To be aware of the suffering of the Muslim Ummah, to be concerned for their affairs, to remember them, to speak about them, to be their eyes, ears and voices, to sense their pain...

I do not want to be the part of the body that has been anaesthetised, that I can no longer feel the cut or pain inflicted upon the rest of the body. I am afraid to be complacent...to think that I can let my guard down... to think that I have Islam because I can hear the Adhan, see Masjid everywhere and wear hijab without the fear of discrimination. There is so much more about Islam that is not being fulfilled here...in society, in the rules and laws, in the system itself. I must never forget! I must never let my guard down and feel secure, because that in itself is a trap! Wherever I am....wherever I go...I must remember who I am, my duties and responsibilities towards Allah SWT, myself, my family, my community and the Ummah.

Home is where the heart is...

How much I miss...

Two years on and I still remember what it was like to live in England. How I miss England and this is why:


I miss the cold winter days...the freezing cold where everything looks gray. It is so cold that you feel like your fingers and toes are about to drop off. I miss walking down the street in my winter coat and a scarf wrapped around my neck. Folding up the arms and walking briskly to warm myself up. I miss the feeling of entering the front door into a warm house with the heating on. Kicking off the shoes, boiling the kettle and making myself a hot cup of tea. Snuggling under the warm thick duvet.

I miss the months of spring...lying on the grass in a green meadow, picking the daffodils, watching the children run around and play and some people walking their dogs. The sun shines brightly but a cool wind sending chills that penetrate the bones.

I miss the taste of sweet and sour strawberries and blueberries. The taste of plain chocolates and one pound ninety nine chocolate cheese cakes. I miss our Sunday breakfast at mom in law's house with smoke salmon and cream cheese on toast. She makes the best muesli with strawberries, mangoes, plums and sunflower seeds. I miss our little chats...

I miss visiting Pa and Jen, walking along the stone beach and listening to the soft gentle waves. I miss the look of joy on the childrens' faces as we reached in front of their door.

I miss hubby's roast beef with roast potatoes and parsnips :) I miss sitting in front of the TV watching 'X-factor' or Have I got news for you, Question time, Doctor who, BBC news or some funny movie on a Saturday night.

I miss my friends, my sisters, our talks and discussions. I miss the laughter we shared...like the one that tipped me into labour when I was pregnant with my son cause I was laughing so much. The night before Eid ul Fitri and we were waiting for the announcement whether it was Eid or not, laughing so much that we thought it had to be Eid the next day cause the Syaitan must have been released! I miss the weddings and the parties. I miss the peaceful demonstrations, our marches along Edgware Road chanting slogans against the tyrant rulers. I miss praying by the road side undeterred by watchful eyes knowing that nothing can harm me without Allah's permission, knowing that I bow only to the One who Created me.

I miss those funny moments with my patients, such as when I was examining a white, tall, muscly seven foot man with back pain. Trying to find the location of the pain and every time I pressed on the painful spot, he kept jumping and saying "Ah...yes Dr, that is where it hurts". I miss my wonderful receptionists who never fail to make me a cup of tea in the morning before my surgery starts.

I miss my Gold Ford Focus, my very first car.

I miss the cold nights when the children are in bed, and you can hear the pitter patter rain drops on the window, chatting with hubby late into the night, dipping rich tea buiscuits and sipping a hot cup of tea.

I have so many memories, sweet memories of friends, colleagues and family. I loved working at the hospital, walking along the corridors at night during on calls, getting 'bleeped' every few minutes, attending emergencies, putting cannula and i.v fluids, seeing patients in emergency department, such hilarious colleagues. I miss Mr Panda who once explained to a patient "pain is what you feel, tenderness is what I feel". I remembered traveling alone on a night train from Scotland after visiting Glasgow university during my A-level days and ended up playing scrabble with 2 Scotsmen!

I share treasure every sweet memory, every painful memory,  every person, every struggle I faced during my 17 years in England. I shall treasure the fact that it was in England during my second year at University was when I found Islam, in a tiny prayer room at King's College London. I met the most incredible person, a young petite Muslim girl who approached me and chatted to me. She invited me to listen to some talks which opened my mind to the world of Islam...to think and understand the world, to apply Islam onto reality.

It was in England that I studied Medicine and became a doctor and met some of the best consultants and colleagues, who were completely down to earth, intelligent, humble and supportive.

It was in England that I met my sisters... they were my family when I had no family around me. We spent Eid together and they even helped me organize my wedding and made it all come true.

It was in England that I met my husband and had all my children...the day I held my first born in my arms was the happiest day of my life. Nothing can ever take away that moment.

I miss you England...you will remain in my memory always.

View next --> how much I love

The wedding of the year...

Was watching Katherine and Williams' wedding today and apart from the choir singing, sermons and mentions of trinity which is not part of my belief, I think everyone can agree that we all enjoy watching a happy wedding. It was indeed a happy wedding, a significant event during a time of economic crisis, possibly a closure to the rather tragic and unhappy years of Charles and Diana.

What really struck me was how the British have always shy away from overt expressions of patriotism and nationalism...unlike America, waving of flags, singing of national anthems on normal daily occasions is so...unlike the British and having lived in Britain for a while, I personally find the drowning of national anthem, the nationalistic songs being repeated again and again on TV and speeches and national day parades that is held in Malaysia rather distasteful, a bit cringey and of course not to mention haraam in the first place.

The British establishment has achieved today something that possibly have not been achieved so successfully by any other nation...this event was so timely, and the mood was so beautifully orchestrated, a memory that will probably be ringing national anthems in people's minds for the rest of their lives, a stronger impact than having to stand up and sing the song every morning during school assembly. Well, you start to wonder if there are side gains to this event than just two people professing their love to one another.

I have no doubt that these two individuals genuinely wanted to get married but...with a very anticipated wedding, a silver jubilee on the way and the Olympics next year...I have no doubt that nationalistic and patriotic feelings will sweep over Britain like a hurricane without people knowing it; despite over 5 decades ceasing to be an empire, they have managed to capture the world's attention with simply a wedding. No other royal family in the world has that much publicity.

Like I said, everyone enjoys a happy wedding and I certainly love weddings...the clothes, the food, the festive atmosphere and the gathering of families. It was a great feeling to see two people tie the knot...and in Islam, when a woman is given away by her father (or wali) and forms a marriage contract with a man, it is legally binding...marriage is a good thing so don't get me wrong...I'm not criticizing the wedding as such but this is not just another ordinary wedding. We need to be careful and to pose certain questions, not to be swept away by cheering crowds...not to become part of a wandering herd.

Patriotism is a feeling shared by the common people in defending a land, a country...and nationalism is a feeling shared by a group of people, bonded by pride of their tribe, race, skin-colour or nationality. It is a superficial bond, one that can often lead to feeling of superiority above others. It is clearly a feeling rebuked and warned by our Prophet Muhammad (saw) because he (saw) was once asked about asabiyyah (nationalism) and he replied """  leave it! it is rotten."

Nationalism and patriotism has gained its momentum and will soon sweep across the British isle like a tsunami. In some ways...I am glad I'm not there to witness it.

Homesickness

I am now feeling homesick

One year on...and honeymoon is over and I'm missing UK terribly. Maybe it is because I'm forgetting all the negative aspects of life in UK such as Islamaphobia, hypocrisy etc...etc...but despite all of that, I felt that I knew what was right and wrong, good and bad, what is Islam and what is Kufur but here, everything is blurry and mixed up like 'rojak'. Also, most of the Malay guys have no understanding of the concept of lowering the gaze except for the ones wearing the white robes and 'topi'. I've seen quite a few of those and their wives wear Niqab. It is quite nice cause it reminds me of the UK. I know, strange!

Maybe I'm just going through another phase in life, whatever that phase is...

Truth is, I can't just pick up where I left 17 years ago. Things have changed and I have changed. It is not easy for me to understand what is going on and as you get older, you get more stuck in your own ways and no matter how adaptable I thought I was, it is not that easy to simply adapt just like that...

I am meeting characters that I've not encountered for a long time. People who are loud, boisterous and totally unpredictable and they speak in Malay accents I don't understand. They behave in ways I don't understand and most of the time, I don't even know how to react. I am also meeting other characters who are...how should I say...I don't know if I'm the only person who finds it weird but some girls can be completely rude and they seem not to like you for no reason at all, talking to you as though they are being forced to with such a sour face and menjeling-jeling. I don't think I've ever done anything to them and sometimes I'm seeing them for the first time. I don't know...someone told me that it is because they are defensive or feeling threatened but why? A bit lacking in the neuron department maybe.

I miss my friends in UK terribly...all the sisters who are so strong in the Deen. How they kept me on the straight and narrow. When I was in the UK, I didn't adopt the British culture but I found the Islamic culture in the sisters. I mean I'm still struggling to understand what British culture is apart from tea-drinking, queuing up, stiff upper lip, moaning a lot and sarcasm. Other than that, it is all about freedom and individualism which we ought to reject as Muslims. Human beings aren't free rather we are subjected to everything that God has created. Our only freedom is the choice to believe or to reject faith, obey God's commands or disobey. Hence, freedom is about accountability and responsibility which is not freedom at all. So, life in UK was clear and the ideas were clear. Why can't it be clear now? Why is it all hazy and mixed up...I don't understand!!!

Anyway, I have made some really good friends and of course I have my Croydon Malay posse' and for the most part, life is happier. It is still early days and I think I have a lot to think about.

Missing UK but enjoying Malaysia

It is now nearly 8 months since we left UK, Hadiya has finally realised that Malaysia is not England. She said,"We're going back to England". Luqman still has no idea that he is on planet earth. Malik is completely happy to be in Malaysia and he has become so tanned that he is truly a Malay. Fajar misses her friends in England as not many girls in her school has the same 'head' as her i.e. sama kepala.

As for me...sometimes this funny thought crosses my mind and it says.."okay, I had a lot of fun and now it's time to go back to England". I miss UK but actually, I don't know what I am missing. I know that if I were to leave Malaysia I would miss a lot of things and I can truly name them. I will miss my family, my work, this beautiful apartment, the weekends that we spend going to all sorts of interesting places. Still, I miss the UK routine. I still feel that my life is there and I'm just on holiday here. I think most people in my situation probably felt the same and many more who decide to follow this path will feel the same way. I miss how things were done in the UK, the normal daily routine.

Otherwise, I do feel that our quality of life here is so much better. The food, the family, the working environment, the people, going out...Last Sunday, we went to Shah Alam Wet world. it is a modest place with lots of different pools for toddlers, for children, for adults and a big water slide. We had so much fun and it was such a nice feeling. I wouldn't dream of going to such a place in the UK. Well, for starters everyone would stare at me when I enter the pool with my hijaab and jilbab but in Malaysia, most people were covered and no one had a bikini on. Some wore swimming suits with sleeves, most people had a T-shirt on and some like me, had their hijaabs on. I felt completely at ease.

Me and hubby make it a point that every weekend we would go somewhere special even if its to the park to play kites. Weekend is family time and doing something together. There's so many places to go to and I feel completely safe. Even though I know the crime rate is high and I have to be careful wherever I go but I know that the criminals are bad guys. In UK, I often felt insecure that someone would attack me or abuse me because I am a Muslim. To be abused by so called 'normal' people is worse than being attacked by criminals. To be fair, I never personally experienced any racial or religious abuse but I never felt free to go anywhere alone. On top of that Friday, Saturday night was a no-no!

Over here, families are out til late at night and generally, I feel safer because I know no one is going to attack me because I am a Muslim.

So, I think over time...this feeling of missing UK would disappear as I get into the routine of my life here.

I keep having this tug of war between my dissatisfaction with the UK in many different issues and my attachment to certain things in UK. At the end of the day, the risks outweigh the benefits and here I am, back in the land I was born...the place I left 17 years ago.

In some ways many things have changed but in some ways, many things are still the same. I think it took me 5-6 years to adjust myself in the UK. I never really felt settled in UK until I started my first job as a House officer at Lewisham Hospital. I had so much fun and great memories at Lewisham that I'd treasure forever. I hope it wouldn't take me 5-6 years to resettle myself in Malaysia...

Remembering UK...

Our mind is powerful and it controls us, our thoughts, behaviour and it shapes the way we view the world and feel towards things.

We are almost settled here in Malaysia but a part of me just can't let go of UK. A part of me has doubt, has fear of letting go. It is like getting rid of a security blanket. I don't know why.

For 17 years, that was the only life I knew. My friends, my home, the place my children were born and brought up, lovely memories of working in the hospital, great colleagues and good friends. We are our experiences and memories, the people we meet along the way and share our lives, our thoughts and feelings with. UK made me the person I am today and Malaysia was my childhood. there are a lot of things that I can list down (and I think I have already) regarding my annoyance and frustration with the UK but still...It was in the UK that I found Islam (ironically), it was in the UK that I understood what Islam was, real Islam, true Islam NOT the Western secular Islam the British government and their puppet 'shaikhs' are trying to sell the Ummah.

It was in the UK that I learned great Medicine and met great Doctors, good colleagues who were professional, conscientious, brave and caring. I can name a few people who really gave me encouragement, to believe in myself and to have faith and confidence in my own abilities.

Now, I am here in Malaysia and I can see the bigger picture... I understand it now, things I never understood before. Concepts that were once simply in my mind are now in my daily life, a reality.

I understand what is life and death. The Prophet (saw) says "Be in this world like a stranger or a traveler" or he said, "if you knew what I knew, you would not be too concerned about this world." What does it mean? It means this world is a box and we are in the box, but if you had a glimpse of what was beyond that box, you wouldn't be too concerned about the luxuries and comforts that you have in that box. Umar ibn Abdul Aziz wrote "Whoever is frequent in remembering death, is content with a little of this life."

Yet, some things I still can't bear to face up to...like the possibility of losing my loved ones, my parents. I know things will happen no matter how I feel or whether I can deal with it or not but some things are just too difficult to even imagine. In this life, we have attachments...and those things are not wealth, not houses or cars or money or richness but rather they are the people whom we love, our family, our friends, our children and fond memories.

I think the more I'm writing the more I am making less sense...I think what I'm trying to say is that...in my mind; I am not settled in Malaysia even though in reality I am. In my mind I still have ties to the UK...my memories. A tiny part of me sometimes says..."it has been great! it has been incredible! but I want to go back home now. I want to go back to UK."

Don't worry, it is just a tiny voice and as time goes on...the voice is getting softer and softer...but it is still a small voice inside my mind, or maybe my heart. I just want anyone who reads this to know that to feel like that is normal and it doesn't mean that things are not okay.

Past...present...future

It is true what is said in the Qur'an as Allah swears "By time! Man is clearly at a loss except those who have Faith and does righteous good deeds, and to remind one another with the Truth and to remind one another with patience." Allah swears by the Time that He, Himself has created that human beings are wasting time...

I'm saying this because...I'm just thinking about six months ago when I was waiting to return to Malaysia; I was dreaming to meet my family again and what kind of life I was going to have and here I am, I have fulfilled my dreams. I have achieved what I wanted to achieve. My feeling of longing for the future, the anticipation is now a reality, it is the present and somethings are already in the past.

Now, I am longing for other things. I am dreaming of next week when I should be getting my new car, when I'll be going to visit Melaka for a family trip, or my dream of going to visit the beach in Pahang at the next school holiday. However, after next week that will be the past and who knows whether I will be going to Melaka or not; but if I do, it will no longer be a dream, an imagination but it will be a memory. Hopefully, a sweet memory.

This is life. We are constantly yearning to get to the next level. As a child, we want to grow up. When we are at University, we want to graduate and work. When we start our jobs, we want to get a promotion. Sooner or later, we will get to where we want to be or maybe not but still, time carries on and it waits for no one.

Sometimes we get broken-hearted and it feels like nothing can ever make the feelings of pain go away and yet, time is a healer. The thing that seems so important and crucial today may not be as important tomorrow. Things that seem very intense today may seem rather trivial tomorrow.

Sometimes after we have achieved what we wanted to achieve and we tend to think, now what? or what's next? This goes on and on until one day we reach the end of our journey and then we understand that is the final destination. That is actually our target and yet, have we prepared for it?

Hence, the surah Al-Asr (The Time) a reminder for me that we are all lost in this world, victims of time and space, rushing herds except those who have Iman and does the righteous good deeds. The deeds prescribed to us by the Creator. It gives another meaning to this life, another level of consciousness.

Reminiscing

Five months ago, I stepped out of the aeroplane and landed back home. I was full of hopes and dreams but I didn't know what to expect. I went through various emotional turmoils and various obstacles. There was endless bureaucracy, form-filings, documents and government officials. There were interviews and waiting...

Now, five months on...the picture is almost complete. Things have fallen into place. This morning I started remembering my early days here, getting flashes of visual images of me having lunch with my sister, still unsure of the future. I was constantly worried, slight fearful but building a complete Trust in Allah that He will sort it out. Everyday I pray to Him to look after me, to protect me and my children and never to leave me to my own device for even one second. Who are we without Him?

Life is ever changing and nothing remains the same. We should constantly strive to become better everyday and to know that hardship will come to pass. All we need is Tawakkal and Sabr. If our life becomes hard, then whatever is in our control and we can change it, we need to strive to make that change but leave the rest to God.

It is mind-boggling thinking about the last 5 months and all the things that we as a family went through. It has been difficult, testing but it has been worth-it Alhamdulillah. There is still so much I want to do, in my life, for my children, in my work but Patience, perseverence and planning is the key. I'm taking a bit of time reflecting on things, on life itself, in Islam, in duties and responsibilities, in what I want to achieve for this year...

I am just so grateful to Allah for every second, everyday and every minute I am alive in this world; to be able to spend time with my family, my parents, my siblings is like a dream come true. To be able to convey whatever little knowledge I have to others.

To all my friends or anyone out there who has plans to relocate. If you have prayed Istiharah and Allah has guided you to the right way; then just put your Trust in Allah and do what you have to do. Whatever hardship and difficulties placed in your path, never lose your Trust in Him, have patience and your Tawakkal will only get stronger. Ameen

Setting your own pace

6th April 2010

Alhamdulillah, things have settled down. From the time we first came home...all the bureaucracy, the visa, the interviews, the wait...now, things are in place and the pieces of the jigsaw is starting to form a picture. It may not be completed yet but at least you can see a picture emerging.

Everyone around me have been kind and helpful. However, it is important for me to set my own pace. There is a lot of learning to be done even for example, the roads in Malaysia. I've got lost several times just because I missed my turning and having to go through the whole of KL to get to where I wanted to go. It was terribly frustrating but that is part of the learning process. Next time, I know (or hope) that I won't make the same mistake again. I will insyaAllah NOT miss my exit. There have been times when I've taken the wrong turning and ended up going through a short cut...so, I've also learned something from my mistake...something good. That is life.

I've spent the last 3-4 months learning the Malaysian system especially when it comes to immigration. How to apply for visa for your spouse, your kids, where is Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri or what is it? It was a very steep learning curve...and now, I'm learning about the health system in Malaysia and my responsibilities at work.

It is very interesting and challenging. I am the type of person who likes to know how things work. Some people can just jump in and start doing things and experiment with new ideas; these people are known as the Activists but not me. I like to observe first and get to know the bigger picture. It is important for me to know my role within that bigger picture...and at the moment I'm starting to get a visual image of the bigger picture. When I can see my role within that bigger picture then, I can start to fly...

I also realise that I'm joining a highway of people...it's like if you're driving on a highway, you know that everyone has already set their pace and they are comfortable with that environment. I'm just joining the highway but I've been lucky that I manage to join the other traffic with ease but I still haven't decided on my pace or which lane I should go into, should I stay on the slow lane, middle lane or the overtaking lane. I'm still watching for large heavy vehicles, for sign boards, for other cars that are driving at 100mph.

What I'm trying to say is that you will take a bit of time to get familiar with your new life. You need time to know the system, to adjust and to be comfortable with your surroundings. I believe this is a normal process. There are still days when I ask myself, "Why am I here?" but those times are getting rare. There is no doubt that I miss certain things in the UK but I'm starting to feel that I belong here. Besides, if all else fails...I just look at my kids and I know no matter where we are, we'll be okay as long as we're together. May Allah keep us in His Protection at all times. Amin.

Missing UK

31st March 2010

I was feeling UK-sick today. I don't know why. Generally I feel happier here in Malaysia. Of course having family close by is the source of all happiness but also I am enjoying work.

At the same time, I'm feeling a bit like 'fish out of water'. I miss certain things in the UK. I miss my friends. I went for lunch today and walking around, it suddenly dawned on me that I missed UK. I miss certain things like everyone speaking with an English accent or listening to the BBC news and sarcasm...hmmm...what would I do without sarcasm??? I miss watching Doctor Who, although I believe the new series have not started yet. I miss having salads. I miss going to work and actually knowing what I'm doing like which forms to fill in, who to refer to and which medications I'm allowed or not allowed to prescribe.

I know this is all new to me and it is normal to feel out of place or lack of knowledge in a new environment. There's so much to learn and I miss my 'comfort' zone. I don't know how I would feel if I was back in the UK even for a holiday. It would be really weird and I think I would feel absolutely devastated if I did have to go back for whatever reason; other than a short holiday to visit friends.

Things are much more relaxed here. Everyone just seem to take their own sweet time and it is nice to be able to talk to anyone anywhere. I was on my way home from work and there was a dreadful traffic jam. We were barely moving at all so, I stopped by the petrol station. Whilst I was filling up, the lady who works there asked if I was okay and I just started chatting to her, asking her if she knew why there was a traffic jam. She told me there's flooding and so, just started asking her how long she's been working there. She told me she's worked there for years and that is where she finds her Rizk; I told her that the only thing that is important is to find Halaal Rizk and she agreed. She started cleaning my windscreen and afterwards, I drove back into the traffic jam feeling very relaxed.

These were the kind of things I missed when I was in the UK, just genuine encounters with people. People who would give you their time and not look at you like you're about to blow them up! People who smile at you from their hearts and not eye you with mistrust. Sometimes in the UK people do smile back at me after I smile at them, I usually smile at people even if they look at me in a weary way. Still, it is not the same...May Allah always preserve the Iman and the love in our hearts.

The sea of life

You may notice that this blog is like a few months behind. I kept a diary of all things that happened and my thoughts and feelings at the time. Truth is that too many things happened at such a short space of time. Sometimes I felt excited, happy, elated and sometimes I felt angry, frustrated, disappointed, annoyed mainly with all the man-made rules and hurdles put in my way. Other times I felt so grateful and 'terharu' with the help that I received from such generous and caring people, even those I just got to know for the first time.

But things have passed and feelings don't remain. It's like if you're really angry with someone and you write it down in your diary about how you feel; you read it a day later and it just doesn't feel the same anymore. So, that is how I feel...that I don't need to blog them down anymore. Alhamdulillah, Allah swt says in Surah Ash Sharh: Verily, along with every hardship is relief, verily along with every hardship is relief. So when you have finished your work, devote yourself to worshipping God. And to your Lord (ALONE) turn your intentions and hope.Allah sends us hardship and then ease...this is the cycle of life, like waves on the sea, it goes up and down, like the night and the day...

There were many times when I felt so low and so down, I felt like I couldn't get any lower...the struggle to build a new life but then, the hardship passes - putting kids into school, sorting out visa, getting school transport, waiting for shipping to arrive, sorting out jobs (the biggest headache SubhanAllah!) but Allah helped me so much...and dark clouds that hung over me, the thunder and lightning that struck down and covered me with fear and despair have washed away. So, forgive me if I do not share it all with you. I just wanted to do something useful, to help others and help them to learn from my mistakes, my ignorance...

I know that there will always be another storm but right now, there are no more dark clouds, no thunder, no rain. Today is a sunny day Alhamdulillah.

Baby blues

14th December 2009

I was feeling very 'wrong' today despite everything in reality was right. I have my family, kids are enjoying themselves but after six days in Malaysia, I was experiencing what you can call 'baby blues'.

Being around family and surrounded by people, experiencing Silatur Rahm was a great feeling. I was actually feeling very excited and happy but any change is hard even a good change.

Do you know what it's like to experience 'baby blues'? You know a few days after giving birth was like a feeling of euphoria. You feel like the happiest person in the world then, baby blues kick in...and despite everything being right, you holding this beautiful baby in your arms but there was a feeling of sadness, of being overwhelmed. For some women, they even go into depression and they don't even know why.

Not all women suffer from this feeling but if you are one of those, then you know what I mean. If you aren't then, just be grateful for it but please don't look down on other women who do.

Anyway, that was how I felt...slightly overwhelmed, slightly wrong and sad...

Doubt started creeping in....

10th December 2009; I've only been home for a few days. I am suffering from jet-lag. I have all these hopes and plans but right now I feel like rubbish. I've been awake since 1 am and it is now nearly midday and I feel like a complete zombie. I still can't go to sleep and I'm starting to have doubts.

Doubts or in Arabic "was,was” is a terrible thing; whisperings of Syaitan. This is only my second day back and I'm thinking to myself, “What have I done?”, “Why am I here?”, “Was this really a good idea?” I was afraid to tell anyone, afraid that people might say, “I told you so...” but the thought of going back to the UK felt even worse. Besides, I've got nothing left in the UK – I've sold everything and there was nothing to go back to. Going back to UK would be like starting all over again here; house, car etc...etc....

To me, this was a beginning of a lesson – lesson of Tawakkal; to put my trust in the One who knows everything; The One who has control over everything; over the Heavens and the Earth. It was more a test of Iman. I have made this decision based on the Mercy of Allah, His Guidance – I must have Trust. To me, this wasn't theoretical any more. This was not about the article that I wrote on Tawakkal many months ago. This wasn't the circle that I gave on Friday night. This was reality and this was practical. To step back, relax, open my heart, stop worrying and just trust that things will be okay. To take the practical steps of whatever it is that I needed to sort out, jobs, immigration, schooling, whatever...and just make dua to Allah for the best outcome.

I felt like I've never in my life understood what Tawakkal meant until now. I felt like a fraud giving those talks before. I really understood that we have no knowledge, no control over our future. I had no idea what life was in store for me; which job I would get, where my rizk would come from but I realised that the only One who knows is the Almighty. He knows the past, the present, the future. He has full knowledge of my worries and concerns and He knows what is in store for me; a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. When I was born and when I would die. I am at this moment in time and I can't see beyond this time and place but He is All-Knower, All Wise. My only source of comfort was Solah and Qur'an.

Uncertainty is a torture for a human being. I started to think about those people who are in prison, held without charged not knowing what life was in store for them; or asylum seekers waiting for decision, will they be deported or will they be able to start a new life. My situation was rather comfortable compared to theirs. I had my family around me, I had a comfortable home to live in, my kids were pretty healthy and happy...it was just a matter of sorting things out, getting stuff organised yet, uncertainty was still hard especially for me; someone who is so used to routines and organisation.


I seeked comfort in e-mailing my cousin in Singapore who relocated back from the US around a year ago. She gave me the best advice a person could. Certainly, the best advice is always one that comes from Iman and Taqwa. She acknowledged my worries and concerns and reminded me that is only natural but to remain strong in Tawakkal and never to doubt the decision of Allah. I can't thank her enough. May Allah reward her.

Life is a funny thing. Human beings are so easy at becoming distressed. Where do we find tranquility other than the knowledge that there is something much greater than us out there who is All-Powerful and able to control all things?