Doubt started creeping in....

10th December 2009; I've only been home for a few days. I am suffering from jet-lag. I have all these hopes and plans but right now I feel like rubbish. I've been awake since 1 am and it is now nearly midday and I feel like a complete zombie. I still can't go to sleep and I'm starting to have doubts.

Doubts or in Arabic "was,was” is a terrible thing; whisperings of Syaitan. This is only my second day back and I'm thinking to myself, “What have I done?”, “Why am I here?”, “Was this really a good idea?” I was afraid to tell anyone, afraid that people might say, “I told you so...” but the thought of going back to the UK felt even worse. Besides, I've got nothing left in the UK – I've sold everything and there was nothing to go back to. Going back to UK would be like starting all over again here; house, car etc...etc....

To me, this was a beginning of a lesson – lesson of Tawakkal; to put my trust in the One who knows everything; The One who has control over everything; over the Heavens and the Earth. It was more a test of Iman. I have made this decision based on the Mercy of Allah, His Guidance – I must have Trust. To me, this wasn't theoretical any more. This was not about the article that I wrote on Tawakkal many months ago. This wasn't the circle that I gave on Friday night. This was reality and this was practical. To step back, relax, open my heart, stop worrying and just trust that things will be okay. To take the practical steps of whatever it is that I needed to sort out, jobs, immigration, schooling, whatever...and just make dua to Allah for the best outcome.

I felt like I've never in my life understood what Tawakkal meant until now. I felt like a fraud giving those talks before. I really understood that we have no knowledge, no control over our future. I had no idea what life was in store for me; which job I would get, where my rizk would come from but I realised that the only One who knows is the Almighty. He knows the past, the present, the future. He has full knowledge of my worries and concerns and He knows what is in store for me; a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. When I was born and when I would die. I am at this moment in time and I can't see beyond this time and place but He is All-Knower, All Wise. My only source of comfort was Solah and Qur'an.

Uncertainty is a torture for a human being. I started to think about those people who are in prison, held without charged not knowing what life was in store for them; or asylum seekers waiting for decision, will they be deported or will they be able to start a new life. My situation was rather comfortable compared to theirs. I had my family around me, I had a comfortable home to live in, my kids were pretty healthy and happy...it was just a matter of sorting things out, getting stuff organised yet, uncertainty was still hard especially for me; someone who is so used to routines and organisation.


I seeked comfort in e-mailing my cousin in Singapore who relocated back from the US around a year ago. She gave me the best advice a person could. Certainly, the best advice is always one that comes from Iman and Taqwa. She acknowledged my worries and concerns and reminded me that is only natural but to remain strong in Tawakkal and never to doubt the decision of Allah. I can't thank her enough. May Allah reward her.

Life is a funny thing. Human beings are so easy at becoming distressed. Where do we find tranquility other than the knowledge that there is something much greater than us out there who is All-Powerful and able to control all things?