The joys of coorperation versus misery of competition (PART ONE)

Parents are too familiar with this scenario of two children competing with one another for toys, for attention, for where to go for lunch. One wants McDonalds and the other wants roti canai. Often when children argue and fight, it is easier for parents to intervene and make decisions but sometimes, it is also important to encourage the children to learn to coorperate, to make a decision that is mutually beneficial to both even if one party has to 'lose' or 'give in' in order for both to gain something.

So, when that happened to my two little ones today, I told them to discuss and to agree on one place to go. My daughter wanted McDonalds ice-cream and my son wanted roti canai; they continued to argue and in the end, no mutual decision was made. Hence, we ended up not going to either of the two places.

When we got home, I spoke to them about coorperation and working together to achieve some gains even if it means someone has to give in at this particular time. If child A had given in to child B and we had gone for roti canai, she could still have an ice-cream at the mamak shop. To coorperate means to achieve some kind of gain even if it is not exactly what we wanted. Besides, not having McDonald's today does not mean we can't have McDonald's another day. If child B had 'given in' and we went to McDonald's then he could have had an ice-cream and possibly some fries or burger. Hence, to coorperate is a win-win situation.

A child is born with an instinct to compete. It is a part of their survival instinct. However, as a child grows and gets older, they learn to achieve what their want through a healthier mechanism which is through coorperation. In psychology, there is something called the Prisoner's Dilemma which in the context of compete versus coorperate can be summarized as below:

In this table, we can see the consequences of competition and coorperation between person A and B. If both of them coorperate, they both stand a chance of gaining something. If they continue to compete with one another, and no one backs down it is likely that both will stand to lose. If only one coorperates and the other continues to compete, it is likely that the competitor will win and the one who coorperates loses.

I said earlier that most people develop the skills during childhood to coorperate. They learn that coorperation creates a happier, healthy way of getting what we want. Unfortunately, some people never quite acquire these skills and as adults, they continue to view the world as a place to compete without the ability to coorperate with others. For them, to 'give in' is to lose and they can only win. When normal coorperative people encounter these 'competitive' people, they often view these competitive people as childish as they do not possess the social skills to coorperate with others whether in the work place, in education, in social situations or in romantic relationships.

It is expected and common for children to be competitive, to use tactics such as crying, sulking, tantrums, anger as a method of achieving what they want. Adults who do not have the higher social skills of coorperation will use similar tactics and other forms of methods such as silent treatment, ignoring, threats, guilt-trip which are often seen as manipulative.

Within a parent-child relationship, there is often a power-struggle as the child tries to exert his/her wants through crying, tantrums, anger or sulking e.g. a child who wants to have sweets just before bed time. The parent will say 'no' and the child may cry, sulk or throw a tantrum. However, within this parent-child relationship, the parent have a responsibility towards the child to protect the child from bad behavior and bad consequences. The parents have a responsibility to guide the child and to build discipline and good character within the child. This is healthy form of control.

This is different from the adult-adult relationship where one person tries to control and manipulate the other. In order to build a healthy adult-adult relationship, there has to be an element of coorperation. Any form of manipulation and control will only lead to resentment on the part of the one being controlled; eventually, the one who is subjected to control will leave the relationship. Remember the 'prisoner's dilemma' table...well, the one who coorperates and constantly loses to the competitor will eventually stop playing and leave the game; either that or the cooperator may through the acts of the competitor change and becomes a competitor and hence, both are subject to lose.

I used to know someone who told me that everyone he knows would eventually leave him especially when it comes to romantic relationships. For the purpose of confidentiality, let's just call this person 'A'. Unfortunately, 'A' is someone who has not developed the skills to coorperate and he is a manipulator. He has this 'fixed false belief' that anyone who is romantically involved with him will eventually leave him. Through this belief, 'A' often attempts to prove either consciously or subconsciously that he is right by 'testing' the other person. He will continue to test the other person through various methods until the person is unable to tolerate his manipulative behavior and eventually leaves; hence reinforces to him that everyone who loves him will one day leave him. This should come to no surprise as a person who is romantically involved with someone can only stand so much CRAP from the other person.

He has failed to recognize that through his 'testing' and manipulative tactics, people will eventually leave. He has failed to recognize that in order to form a healthy and happy relationship, one needs to coorperate with one another, rather than to view a relationship as a competition.

So, how do we develop the skills of coorperation?

(CONTINUE TO PART TWO - for answers)