My decision to return home

My 4th child was born in 2007 and it was the happiest time of my life, for one thing the first few days of having a baby is always exciting and full of that serotonin rush. Secondly, I had my mom staying with me for one month. Her company was enough to make me feel complete. We used to spend hours chatting, sitting at the dinner table having some snacks or just a cup of tea.

Then, a month passed and she had to go back to Malaysia; leaving me in the UK and baby blues set in. The day she flew home, I was in bed the whole day completely depressed. I knew my heart was somewhere else.

Finally Sept 2009, when Hubby agreed to it after several discussions - the decision was made. I booked my tickets to make it more real. I was going home...

It is hard to explain my yearning to be with my parents. I imagine there are many people out there who will understand immediately and will be able to relate to how I was feeling. At the same time, there will be some who will never understand. I can't even explain it in words. I just missed them so much. After 17 years, I was home-sick.

So, my decision to return home was mainly due to family reasons. You know, people will return home, relocate, move to foreign lands for various different reasons. Whatever your reasons are, it is always important to realize that every society have its advantages and disadvantages; each place will have its own cultures and attitudes.

I didn't leave the UK to return to Malaysia based on rose-tinted glasses. Many people warned me that Malaysia is different from 17 years ago, things aren't great here, don't expect to find true Islam, there's a lot of problems and crimes. I was prepared for the worse. I understood that decisions had to be made based on concrete facts rather than fanciful ideas. For e.g. if I was expecting to find an Islamic State ala Nabuwwah - I would be completely disappointed. It is important to realise (if one haven't already) that there is no real Islamic State in the world today, not even Saudi Arabia. No country in the world today implements Shariah comprehensively. All Muslim countries today have adopted parts of their Laws/constitutions from the French or British. All Muslim countries today are secularised in some form or another. There is no Islamic State in its true form, like the one established by Prophet Muhammad (saw) in Madinah.

I'm not going to give a lecture on Islamic State but just merely stating a basic fact, to avoid any disappointment. Relocating is a major decision with various major stresses; you do not want to make that move based on the wrong decision or impression. However, I would say that living in Malaysia is more spiritually fulfilling for me personally. Hearing the adhan everyday, fixed prayer times, starting the day at Fajr time, allocated times for praying with various mosque and small praying areas available everywhere, there is higher inclination to read Qur'an and do Dikr. At the same time, I don't want to be complacent and feel that I have fulfilled my Ibaadah actions and that's okay. Islam is comprehensive and Ibaadah is one aspect of it. Still have to worry about financial dealings, interactions with non-mahrem (social system issues), state of the Ummah, what's happening round the world and political activities.

It is so easy to just get absorbed in my own life and problems. Anyway, my number one top tip advice is: the most obvious of all - never make a decision without asking Allah swt. Istiharah prayer is the key to any decision making. Alhamdulillah it is amazing...even if you think you really want something or you believe it's going to be great; still istiharah is the key because we do not know the future; and we may think that something is good for us or bad for us, but we never know for sure. Only the All-Knower, Most Knowledgeable knows the past, present and future.

So, my decision to return home was sparked by my yearning to be closer to my family and seeking the guidance from the One, All-Knower, All-Merciful Allah s.w.t.