Courage 3: children and courage

I am no expert but I don't think anyone is...especially when it comes to bringing up our own kids. Even though we have the Qur'an to guide us, a clear message of what is right and wrong but when it comes to understanding our kids, explaining to them, shape and mold them...sometimes we get things right and sometimes we get things wrong. We constantly learn from our mistakes and we try again a different way. All I know is this...children have more courage than we think!

Bringing out the courage in our children

1. Tell them it is okay to feel afraid

Franklin D Roosevelt said that "The only thing that we must fear is fear itself". 

In order to overcome the fear, we need to face the fear...

Facing the fear is a process of acknowledging fear, recognizing fear and knowing that it is okay to feel afraid. To feel afraid is not the problem but to let the fear restrict you or prevent you from moving forward, to achieving what you need to achieve that is the problem.

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared. - Eddie Rickenbecker. 

Ever watched those movies of some psychological thriller where the mom tells the child something like 'I know you're afraid, so am I but you have to be brave and we're going to get through this together'... yeah sounds cheesy but it works. When your child is afraid, tell him or her it is okay but they can overcome that fear by being brave, by having the courage.

2. Make them face their fears

In the olden days this is called 'tough love'. The method of tough love is a tool used only by tough parents who love their children but is able to put that love aside in order to see the child succeed in the future. Tough love is not about hitting, abusing, shouting or embarrassing the child... it is not about depriving the child of their most important things in life such as love, nourishment, knowledge and education but tough love is about making the child face their fears...

Human beings are most afraid to face up to their own mistakes, their own short comings. If your child has done something wrong, the best thing you can ever do for that child is to make him/her face her mistakes e.g. if he broke grandma's favorite vase, get him to clean up the mess and apologize to grandma ready to face whatever punishment grandma has in store. Grandma may say, 'it is okay dear, I forgive you' or Grandma may say 'you will have to spend a week scrubbing the floor' and in which case, let him scrub the floor for a week.

Facing our fears is a sign of maturity, it builds our ability to self-reflect and face consequences in life. Islam teaches us to face our fears, to self reflect, to face up to our mistakes, to apologize to those whom we have wronged and to repent to Allah SWT. People who have not been brought up to face their fears, admit to their mistakes will often be those who are quick to blame others for their own faults or to shun away when things get tough.

3. Help them to face the difficulties in life and show them ways to overcome them.

Facing hardship is part of life. Life is full of hardship especially for the believers because we have been warned that this life is a test, not a place for play and amusement. This world has been described as a prison for the believers because the true reward is in paradise so, teach our children to face hardship, help them to face the difficulties in life, do not shield them from the hardships of life but show them ways to overcome them, to deal with them, to succeed and to shine.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. You playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”. 

– Coach Carter, staring Samuel L Jackson. 

4. Praise them when they show bravery.

Anything that a child does that requires for him/her to overcome his/her fear is something brave, so praise him. A child may not want to go to school because of fear, so make them face their fear and when they come home, praise them and tell them how brave they are for going to school e.g.

A young child of 4 years old cried because he didn't want to go to nursery in the morning. This was only his 2nd day. The mother made him go to nursery and when the mother picked him up later in the afternoon, she bought him a sweetie and said "you were so brave to go to nursery today. You didn't want to and you were afraid but you went anyway and that was very brave. I'm so proud of you." She gave him a kiss and he sucks on the sweet happily. 

Use positive associations. Children thrive on positive associations. The Prophet SAW was beautiful in the way he taught children about Islam. He used to say to Abdullah ibn Umar "I love you, go and pray two rakaat sunnah"

5. Leading by example

There is no dispute that children learn more from observing us than from what we say to them. If we show courage, they too will show courage but if we show cowardice, they too will show cowardice. If we have a phobia of spiders and screams every time we see those creepy crawlies, chances are they too will have a negative feeling towards them. 

6. Tell them stories of courage and the brave

Read to them stories of courage and bravery preferably of the Prophets and his companions. Encourage them to read stories that have good moral values, autobiographies of people who have achieved extraordinary things or fictional books that contains characters with courage. 

Remember those Hollywood movies, if they're going to watch them then at least get some good out of it, talk to them about how brave Harry Potter was for facing his arch nemesis. Don't just make it into a pure entertainment but let your child pick up on the good characteristics in the movie and to identify the bad characteristics in the movie.

7. Teach them to fear nothing but Allah SWT

I was with my 4 year old son and we started talking about Allah. Then, he said "but we are scared of Allah". He remembered a time when we were in the car and there was thunder and lightning. He was scared and I told him that Allah SWT made the thunder and lightning so, Allah is more powerful. He associated it as being we should be scared of Allah so, I said "Yes, we are scared of Allah but only because we love him and we are scared to do something that He doesn't like such as not listening to mummy and daddy or hitting your sister."

Before our children go to sleep, we are encouraged to read to them surah An Nas, Al Ikhlas and Al Falaq as well as Ayatul Kursi. Remind our children the meanings of these surah such as when we read

وَسِعَ كُرۡسِيُّهُ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٲتِ وَٱلۡأَرۡضَ‌ۖ وَلَا يَـُٔودُهُ ۥ حِفۡظُهُمَا‌ۚ وَهُوَ ٱلۡعَلِىُّ ٱلۡعَظِيمُ

We should remind our children that Allah's throne covers all of the heavens and the earth; and so He is All Powerful and we should not fear anything but Allah SWT.

We should only be afraid of the punishment of Allah SWT and if He is not happy with us as the Prophet Muhammad SAW said after this painful encounter with the people of Taif...

اللهم إليك أشكو ضعف قوتي وقلة حيلتي وهواني على الناس
ياأرحم الراحمين أنت أرحم الراحمين
 أنت رب المستضعفين وأنت ربي
إلى من تكلني إلى عدو يتجهمني أم إلى صديق مكلته إمري
إن لم يكن بك غضب علي فلا أبالي ولكن عافيتك هي أوسع لي
أعوذ بنور وجهك الذي أضاءت له السموات و الأرض
 وأشرقت له الظلمات وصلح عليه أمر الدنيا والأخره
 أن ينزل بي غضبك أو يحل علي سخطك
لك العتبى حتى ترضى ولاحول ولاقوة إلابك

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English translation and the essence
of the Arabic supplication of the Prophet

Oh, Allah, I appeal to you for the weakness in my strength,
and my limited power,
and the treatment of contempt and humiliation from people.
To you, the most Merciful of all the Merciful ones,
you are the Lord of the oppressed, and you are my Lord

Under whose care are you leaving me to?
To an enemy oppressing me?
Or to a friend you have given control of my affair?
If there is no anger from you on me I will forever be content.
However, your blessing is vastly important for me

I seek refuge with the glory of your light,
which the heavens and earth are lit form,
your anger will not befall on me,
nor your displeasure descends on me

To you is the supplication until you are pleased,
and there is no control or power except by you

As I said at the beginning of this blog article, I am no expect. This is just something I would like to share and discuss with my friends and anyone who wants to read it...