An account of reading about the ingredient to successful marriage in Islam

In sister Yasmin Mogahed's book there is a chapter on "a successful marriage: the missing link"

Too many marriages amongst muslim couples nowadays are unhappy and sometimes we wonder why when Allah SWT has given us the best guidance to follow. I would read the words of Allah, “And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them,  and He has put love and mercy between you; verily in that are signs for people who reflect.” Al Qur’an 30:21

I used to wonder how does this verse refer to today? Where can one find any tranquillity in marriage?

In her book, sis Yasmin quoted Dr Emerson’s work that says: The love she most desires; the respect he desperately needs.

Allah SWT is the One who made all of us, whether men or women and it all fits into a perfect picture when Allah gave the responsibility for men to be protectors and maintainers of women (Al Qur’an 4:34). Men are given the leadership role and women naturally look up to their men to lead them. It is virtually impossible for a woman to respect a man who does not fulfil his leadership duties.

Often we hear those who blame the fall of the Muslims on the western cultural invasion that led to muslim women taking off their headscarfs and going to work. However, Islam does not forbid women from working and nowadays most women in Malaysia wear the headscarf. So, isn’t that the real destruction of this ummah occurred when leadership was taken away from men?

When the Khilafah was destroyed, the role of men as protectors and maintainers were downplayed until some men are unashamed to let their wives support them. In the Malay community, it is not unheard of where husbands demand their wives to go to work or husbands demand the working wife to pay for half the expenses which is by right, his responsibility. There have been horror stories of husbands forcing the wives to pay for their debt or a man unable to provide and yet, taking on second, third or four wives.

If respect is what men desperately needs then, Allah SWT has made them leaders, protectors and bread winners. Their position as the leader, the one who protects, the one who provides automatically puts them in a higher position of respect. At the same time, Allah SWT and the Prophet SAW taught the men to treat their wives with love and kindness, something she most desires.

The Prophet SAW said, “Take good care of women, for they were created from a bent rib, and the most curved part of it is its top. If you try to straighten it, you will break it and if you leave it , it will remain arched so take good care of women.”

This is an advice to men on how to look after women, not to try and fix her or change her. Unfortunately it has been used by some men to degrade women and to look down upon her as a ‘bent rib’.

With the demise of the Islamic state, men have lost their leadership role. The four positions of ruling in Islam, the Khalif, the Moawin (assistants of Khalif), Wali (Governors) and Qadi al Qoda (Judge of judges) are men only positions that cannot be taken up by women. This highlights the importance Islam places on men as leaders.

The other abandoned role of men is as protectors. When the Islamic state was destroyed, the army of Jihad ceased to exist. Jihad is an obligation for men and is their central role as protectors of the state and to defend the weak and needy. Again, a woman will look up to a man who is ready to protect her and the family.

The West has influenced this ‘equality’ argument that women too must work rather than the position of Islam where men MUST work but it is optional for women. This has made men believe that sharing of household income is 50:50 rather than the role of men as the sole provider. He must provide for the family whether the wife works or not.

The role of men as protectors and maintainers is so vital within the marriage institution that although divorce (talaq) is in the hands of the men but she is allowed to ask for divorce (fasah) if he doesn’t fulfil his role in providing and it is her rights to seek fasah in that situation.

We all want to see happy couples and the fulfilment of the ayat 30:21. However, the only way that such society of successful marriages can occur is when Muslims again refer to Islam rather than trying to copy the west. This requires the re-emphasis on men to fulfil their roles as protectors and bread winner. If respect is what men desperately need and love is what women desires then we need to revive the leadership position of men; and to put emphasis on women to respect their husbands and for husbands to treat their wives with love and affection.

Sometimes women take on board too much responsibility for her husband out of ‘care’ and ‘concern’ and she tries to change him or improve him. That is probably due to our nature of being mothers and how we are nurturers. It is okay to do so for your children but a husband is not a child. He is a grown man, a leader, a protector, a bread winner. Allah SWT has not made women responsible for men but the other way around so, just relax and remember the hadith that says; “When a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month of Ramadhan, guards her body and obeys her husband, it is said to her: Enter paradise from whichever door you wish.”