Attending a burial and a reminder

rLast Friday, I received a forwarded text from one of my colleagues informing us that his father had passed away early that morning. He was to be buried after Friday prayers. So, me and a group of my work-mates went to visit their home and as we reached there, the family were on their way out to attend the burial.

So, we followed them and went to the burial site. We waited for a while discussing work issues and soon, the burial van arrived.

We went to the grave site and two white tents were set up to shelter us from the hot blazing sun. The time was 14.30. The grave was already dug up. 7 feet long and 7 feet deep. The body shrouded in white cloth ready to be buried in its place. We stood there feeling sombre, looking at one another with different thoughts entering our minds. A few of our other colleagues were there and our faculty Dean was there as well. We didn't know his mom, his relatives and only a few of us have met his wife but we felt part of the family. We felt we belonged there. I shook and kissed the hands of some of his aunties.

My colleague was standing inside the grave with another two men ready to carry the body of his beloved father and place it inside the grave. When they were ready, they placed his body there, covered the tiny space with a plank of wood, leaving inches of gap for the body to reside and then earth was poured back into its place.

I can't remember ever attending a burial, maybe when I was just a few years old and not understood the true meaning of life and death but on that day, I understood. Here is a man who is successful, loved by so many and he is gone forever from this world and so will we, all of us.

The earth has finally covered the grave and they made the earth slightly raised, placing two plants and a grave stone marking the solitary resident. They placed mats next to the grave and the men sat down beside it. The Imam recited the 'Talkin', it is a reminder for the solitary companion and what would happen to him as our footsteps leave his grave. He was reminded that two angels will come to greet him and that he should not be afraid as they too are the creations of God. They will ask him 'Who is your Lord?" and he should answer with certainty that "Allah is my Lord" and they will ask him "Who is your Imam" and he should answer "Muhammad (saw) is my Imam (prophet)" and they will ask him "What is your Deen" and he should answer "Islam is my Deen" and so on...

It is an answer that we should be clear and certain about in this life because on that day, we cannot lie and we cannot guess...we have to know for sure. One by one thoughts entered my head...this will be me one day. One day, I might be standing here and it could be my father or my mother in there...all the feelings of fear, sadness, hope, gratefulness was in my heart. The idea of attending my father or mother's burial was something that has crossed my mind before but I've tried to suppressed it, to ignore it. I'm not ready to face that but does it matter whether I am ready or not? Who am I? God has decided the ajal (life span) for all of us and it doesn't matter whether we are ready or not.

What about myself? am I ready? We all know the answer to that. The Imam reminded us that it doesn't matter who you are, what status you held in this worldly life, whether you were rich or poor, King or servant...in the end, you will die with nothing, without your wealth, without your family, without your titles but only with your Iman (faith) and Amal Soleh (good deeds). Whatever you are and whoever you are is only the enjoyment in this life but when you are placed inside that tiny hole, you will leave it all behind and you will return to God with nothing else but your belief in Him and your obedience to Him. So, am I ready? I still know the answer to that.

This life is so deceptive and we never think about death enough, enough to give us courage to fight for what is right, for justice, for the Truth. We live in a Capitalist world where pleasure, wealth and enjoyment is the ultimate goal and we forget the Akhirah (Hereafter). We forget to ask certain questions. Most of the time we ask ourselves when we are reminded of death, what should I be like? how should I change myself? That is important but it is not enough. Do we ever ask ourselves, "What should the world be like?" but instead, we simply accept the status quo and we accept the Kufur system being ruled over us as if it is legitimate. Have we even thought about it?

All thoughts swirled inside my head as I stood there unable to control a few strands of tears. I never knew him but I felt the pain of his widow as she sat there, consoled by her daughters. I see the grief in my colleagues eyes and I see mixed emotions and thoughts pouring out from all of us that was there. The Imam read the dua (prayer) and it was over...we expressed our condolences to our colleague and he thanked us for coming. We turned around and started to walk away, returning to our worldly life and with each step we took, I knew that the angels were waiting...

Homesickness

I am now feeling homesick

One year on...and honeymoon is over and I'm missing UK terribly. Maybe it is because I'm forgetting all the negative aspects of life in UK such as Islamaphobia, hypocrisy etc...etc...but despite all of that, I felt that I knew what was right and wrong, good and bad, what is Islam and what is Kufur but here, everything is blurry and mixed up like 'rojak'. Also, most of the Malay guys have no understanding of the concept of lowering the gaze except for the ones wearing the white robes and 'topi'. I've seen quite a few of those and their wives wear Niqab. It is quite nice cause it reminds me of the UK. I know, strange!

Maybe I'm just going through another phase in life, whatever that phase is...

Truth is, I can't just pick up where I left 17 years ago. Things have changed and I have changed. It is not easy for me to understand what is going on and as you get older, you get more stuck in your own ways and no matter how adaptable I thought I was, it is not that easy to simply adapt just like that...

I am meeting characters that I've not encountered for a long time. People who are loud, boisterous and totally unpredictable and they speak in Malay accents I don't understand. They behave in ways I don't understand and most of the time, I don't even know how to react. I am also meeting other characters who are...how should I say...I don't know if I'm the only person who finds it weird but some girls can be completely rude and they seem not to like you for no reason at all, talking to you as though they are being forced to with such a sour face and menjeling-jeling. I don't think I've ever done anything to them and sometimes I'm seeing them for the first time. I don't know...someone told me that it is because they are defensive or feeling threatened but why? A bit lacking in the neuron department maybe.

I miss my friends in UK terribly...all the sisters who are so strong in the Deen. How they kept me on the straight and narrow. When I was in the UK, I didn't adopt the British culture but I found the Islamic culture in the sisters. I mean I'm still struggling to understand what British culture is apart from tea-drinking, queuing up, stiff upper lip, moaning a lot and sarcasm. Other than that, it is all about freedom and individualism which we ought to reject as Muslims. Human beings aren't free rather we are subjected to everything that God has created. Our only freedom is the choice to believe or to reject faith, obey God's commands or disobey. Hence, freedom is about accountability and responsibility which is not freedom at all. So, life in UK was clear and the ideas were clear. Why can't it be clear now? Why is it all hazy and mixed up...I don't understand!!!

Anyway, I have made some really good friends and of course I have my Croydon Malay posse' and for the most part, life is happier. It is still early days and I think I have a lot to think about.

Almost a year later...and how are the children doing?

There has always been a certain amount of guilt within me for removing my children from the UK, taking them away from the only life they knew, from their friends and from the place that they were born, from visiting Jenny and Grand-pa, how they look forward to visiting the beach in Deal. I took them away from that to a completely different environment, different weather, different culture and different way of thinking. Like it or not, good or bad Malaysia is different from UK. Some things are better and some things are worse but the bottom line is, whether you're in Malaysia or UK; there is no Islamic state. They are both secular countries, with man-made laws and dodgy politicians.

That is however, besides the point. When the kids first entered school, they were celebrities. They were foreign, they were new and people wanted to get to know them. The boys at school were interested in Fajr and the little girls were interested in Malik. As time passes, the language barrier became more pronounced and the children lost interest in trying to communicate with my two foreign kids. Fajr being in a higher class, the children had made their friends and became less interested in being her friend. Knowing my snooty or should I say "shy" daughter she didn't make much effort either.

Soon, the boys realised that Fajr was not interested in them at all (after series of lectures on why having a boyfriend is not allowed in Islam and explanation of reality and everything else) and the fact that she said to me, "They all look the same" so, the boys started treating her like she has the lurgies. I guess it did effected her a bit but she got over it pretty well.

After more than 6 months staying here, she has made friends with the neighbours and nowadays, I barely see her when I come home from work cause she'll be out with her friends. It is more of a new experience for me than it is for my kids. In UK, they barely left my sight but here, they are out there on the streets, riding their bicycle, going swimming and becoming explorers.

Last week, I got home from work and was just about to put my bag down when, hubby came out of the front door saying "Fajr's had an accident." I dropped my handbag, ran out and as I was coming out of the car park all I saw was two cars stopped in the middle of the road, my daughter's bicycle on the concrete in between the two cars and my daughter lying on the floor. There were people surrounding her, guards talking on walkie-talkies. I screamed her name and ran as I've never ran before. I was about to burst into tears and become over-dramatic but I told myself, "What is wrong with you? Calm down and find out what is going on." So, I knelt beside her. Her eyes were open and she was responsive so, I struggled in my head trying to figure out her GCS score. In my mind as I ran towards her was a vision of my baby being knocked by a car, bleeding and unconcious but in reality, she fell off her bike and hurt her head. She had some scratches and a tiny cut on the side of her forehead. I felt slightly embarassed for all the commotion.

I looked at the people surrounding her and thought to myself, "What is wrong with these people? Why did they just let her stay lying on the floor and blocking traffic? Why couldn't they have moved her or got her to at least sit up?" Anyway, I was told that is Malaysia. People look and do nothing. "Prihatin", they say but most of the spectators were expatriates, Western people but maybe they too have become Malaysian-ized? So, I said "What's everyone doing? can someone carry her to the side?" So, hubby was one of the spectators. He said, "I'll get her up" and he pulled her up. I took her arms and put it around me and got her to walk with me home.

I took her to HKL and they X-rayed her head and glued her cut. She was fine but it made me realise again, how much we love our children. How Allah has put that mercy and feeling of love in the hearts of the parents.

Malik too has managed to make some friends with the neighbours and my boy, my little boy plays badminton and basketball everyday. When I get home from work I no longer get greetings at the door cause my children are out playing with their friends. How did that happen? When did that happened?

Malik had a tough time making friends at first. In fact, he had a hard time with a few of the boys in the school van. They were older boys from year 3 and 4 and they used to do naughty things like playing football with a bottle, kicking it onto someone's eye and getting into trouble, playing with fire-cracker that burned someone's motobike, again getting into trouble with the teachers at school. They used to call Malik names and when Malik played with them, they would treat him roughly. Finally, I forbade him from playing with the boys again. Things seem to have cooled down but one day, I came home and they told me that the 2 boys in the van had stuck chewing gum on my childrens' bags. They managed to clean it but Fajr was very upset. Apparently, the boys got told off by the van driver and probably by their parents. A week later, Malik told me one of the boys bought him a bun. He was just telling me what happened at school, that he was hungry and the boy asked him why he looked miserable. He said, "saya lapar..." and the boy said, "mari cepat, saya belikan roti". I was like..."Which boy?" He said, "you know the boy who put chewing gum on my bag." I said, "You mean, he is now your friend?" "Yeah" he said, "we're friends now" and according to Malik, everything between them has been cancelled and they are now friends. Well, I don't know what Malik did to him but I'm glad. I'm glad that Malik is forgiving. I am glad that he has learned that you can be friends with someone who was an enemy and that people who don't like you may end up liking you. My boy has learned a very important lesson in life and I didn't have to do anything.

My son's only problem now is that the girls are calling him 'Justin Bieber'. Who the h*** is that? I asked him "Do you think you look like Justin Bieber?" He said, "Yes, except my hair is not blonde." Anyway, I remember having friends at their age, being very close, fighting and then, making up and forgiving. My parents never knew what was going on and they never settled my problems for me but they gave me good advice; and they showed me how to be a better person from example. I hope that I could be like that to my kids and I know...I have no control over them, over anything but it is Allah that protects them, guides them and keeps them on the straight path. My duty is to bring them up and give them Islam. It is not just telling them to pray, to fast in Ramadhan and to do the daily rituals but it is also about making them understand how to think according to Islam, how to view things according to Islam, how to judge things according to Islam. To be critical of everything that they learn and to use the Qur'an and Sunnah as a yardstick of what is right and wrong; not the action of others. Just because other people do it does not make it right and just because not many people do it, does not make it wrong. Right and wrong is determined by Allah, not humans. If they can understand that insyaAllah I hope that it will lead them to success in this life and the next. Amin.

Reminiscing my early days back in Malaysia

I was just reading some of the blog entries I made 10 months ago. I'm just glad that I documented it because it just seemed so long ago and so distant from where I am today. All the hassle of filling in forms, going from one government department to another and the frustration of dealing with inefficiencies...that feeling is gone. I can barely remember any of it. The only government encounters I have is to renew my children's visa every 6 months. We have renewed hubby's visa for 5 years and no more going to immigration for that purpose for a little while.

Still, some other issues have emerged that I am trying to digest, to observe all of the reality, to analyse and to make sense of what it is all about. Why do some people behave that way? Why do they think that way? is it insecurity, inferiority or something else?

There's still so much in myself that I need to sort out. My dissatisfaction with a few things when I was in UK and now, realising more and more new realities that have emerged where I am now. The comparison of the two cultures, all the negatives and all the positives is just on-going. Sometimes, I can't even sort these things out in my own head.

Anyway, before I came back to Malaysia I used to wonder why people who have gone back can't answer all of my questions or they can't understand what information that I need. Now I understand why...because I'm at the other side and knowing means forgetting what you didn't know. So, I am glad I jotted it all down in a blog so that I can remember...and I hope that others might benefit from it.

So...10 months on there's light at the end of the tunnel. Filling in forms and hassles in government departments do come to an end...eventually.

Making children do what they don't want to do is sometimes a good thing

Monday 30th August 2010

My 7-year old son is very much dependent on his older sister. So it was a dilemma for me when she was ill and could not go to school, I was in two minds about letting him go to school without her. I had all these fears that he wouldn't know where to wait for the bus, that he would end up missing the bus or getting bullied by some naughty boys without his sister there protecting him. So, I bombarded him with excessive 'words of wisdom'. "Make sure you wait at the bus stop that you normally wait at!", "Don't go anywhere else", "Don't mix with the naughty crowd", "If you miss the bus, you must go to the office and ask them to call me..."

I didn't realise that my fears were slowly transferring to my little boy and soon, he started panicking and entered into a state of uncontrollable tantrum. He concluded that he too should not go to school. By the time I realised what I had done to him, it was too late. He was crying his eyes out.

That was when I realised...I had to do the right. He had to go to school as much as my heart was crying with him.

I told him to get dressed and he did so reluctantly.

At 6am, it was time to walk down the road and wait for the bus.

Normally, hubby takes them down to the bus stop. I heard the door closed behind them and thought to myself, "That's it!" but I was wrong, I heard the door opening and hubby huffing "I can't take him down, he is screaming!"

I got into my jilbab quickly and came outside. My little boy was standing by the pillar, his eyes streaming with tears. I had to think quickly about what to say..."come on darling, it will be fine". He wouldn't budge. My first instinct was to scream at him...to say "What is wrong with you, you're going to miss the bus!!!!" or something like..."You must go to school whether you like it or not, don't be a whimp, boy!!!" but I exercised self-restrain.

"Come on! Uncle bus is waiting. We must tell him what is going on so that he knows." It was a double meaning. In his mind, he's probably assuming that means he doesn't need to go to school but I didn't lie to him. So, he walked down with me and we held hands. On the way down, I tried chatting to him about other things, taking his mind of the thing that he feared most...going to school without his sister. So, we talked about Lailatul Qadr and I talked to him about the angels and how they come down to earth on that night. Then, we talked about what we were going to do for Eid. When we got down the road, the bus driver was waiting with his usual smiley face. Then, I turned to my little boy and I said, "I'm sorry! it was my fault. I was worried about you going to school on your own and I made you worried, but you were not worried, you were okay. You know what to do at school."

My boy's face lit up. We got to the bus and he got in.

Today, my boy and I learned a lesson.

I learned that I have such a major influence on my child that my fears can become his fears. I learned that sometimes parents need to make the tough decision, to make my child do something he doesn't want to do for his own good. My duty as a parent is to help and support him to become a strong and resilient adult. I can't protect him from life and its difficulties but I can help him to overcome his fears and know that things will be okay.

My child came home and he was happy. I hope that he has learned that sometimes doing something you don't want to do when it is good for you is okay. I hope that he has learned to face his fears and go through with it. Hubby was completely amazed by what we had achieved. He said, "How did you managed to get him to walk down with you. I couldn't get him to do anything without him screaming." I told him my strategies. His only comment was..."If I had more of that lesson when I was a boy, I would have been a better person."

Today is a lesson for all of us and there will be more and more lessons everyday for parents and children.

A special dua from my baby

My daughter woke up screaming again yesterday. We ran out of bread and her little brother is having the last piece. She screamed again when he pushed her out of the way of a huggle with her mommy.

Normally, I would start shouting at both of them or tell them to go out of the room and take it outside. Today, I felt sorry for her. I was getting ready for work. I won't see her for the next 9 - 10 hours. I know she misses me when I am at work and Allah knows how much I miss all of my kids and how I worry about them.

I gave her a cuddle, cupped her face in my hands and said to her, "Darling, mama's going to work. I will be driving and it is very dangerous. Will you ask Allah to look after mama?"

She stopped screaming and looked at me with her wide round eyes. She is the most beautiful thing ever...I said to her, will you make dua for mama? Say "O Allah! please look after my mama. Please help her get safely to work and safely home". She repeated after me. She was happy and playing when I left.

I know she will probably scream again tomorrow. There's so much to be upset about as a child but I hope that I can help her to develop Taqwa and Tawakkal.

The Ideological challenge

There is so much to moan about, to express dissatisfaction. Everyone can sense the problem, the issues, the fact that something is missing...but what is it?

What I have studied about Ideological nations vs. non-ideological nations now makes complete sense. A person must have a purpose in life and so, does a nation. That purpose has to be something concrete about what life is about and what we want to achieve from it.

Today, we have so many ideas and visions...to be 'developed', to progress, to have the tallest buildings and biggest shopping centres in the world but what message do we want to send out to the world, what vision do we have for the world and what is the basis of that vision? Fighting for race and country is not enough. We need an ideology but what form of ideology?

Do we embrace Capitalism? Secularise ourselves, separating God from our worldly life as if we have two hearts in one body? Do we abandon some parts of the Qur'an that talks about hudood, jihad, social, economic and political system and just take the bits we want such as personal ibaadah and rituals? Do we really want to view this world with Capitalist eyes, as a place of complete enjoyment, exploitation and fulfilment of all of our desires? Do we want to exploit this world for our own profit at the expense of other people's lives and the environment? Do we really believe that is the meaning of success and that we can do all that without facing any consequences in the Akhirah?

Allah swt says in surah 33:4

مَّا جَعَلَ ٱللَّهُ لِرَجُلٍ۬ مِّن قَلۡبَيۡنِ فِى جَوۡفِهِۦ‌ۚ
"Allah has not made for any man two hearts in his (one) body:"

Allah swt says in surah Al-Baqarah: 85
"...Then is it only a part of the Book that ye believe in, and do ye reject the rest? but what is the reward for those among you who behave like this but disgrace in this life?- and on the Day of Judgment they shall be consigned to the most grievous penalty. For Allah is not unmindful of what ye do."

No person with Iman in Allah and the Last day can do all that without feeling a tiny bit of fear or doubt or regret. We cannot adopt an alien ideology and then think that we can compete with those who truly embrace it. We need to find our own way with our own ideolgy. An ideology that states that there is no god but Allah and Muhammad is His Messenger. An ideology that has produced a state that was feared for 1400 years, not for being a rogue state but for being the empire of the world, the leading nation far greater than the Byzantine nor the Persian and definitely, greater than the pathetic leading nation of today.

We need the Khilafah state.

NB picture above is inside Aya Sofia in Istanbul.

My amazing children

My 7-year old and I spent time together reciting Juz Amma. He has a strange mind, sometimes I think he is imaginative but sometimes I think he lives in another planet. I love talking to my kids as they have such an amazing mind and a different way of viewing things.

However, they do need guidance as human beings need guidance...and they need direction in order to become successful people in this world and the next. This week, we were reciting surah Al-Bayyinah and to make things more interesting, we read the tafsir and I tried to explain certain things to him.

لَمۡ يَكُنِ ٱلَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ مِنۡ أَهۡلِ ٱلۡكِتَـٰبِ وَٱلۡمُشۡرِكِينَ مُنفَكِّينَ حَتَّىٰ تَأۡتِيَہُمُ ٱلۡبَيِّنَةُ

This is an extract of our conversation.

Malik: Mummy, why was Daddy a Christian? (my husband is a revert to Islam)

Me: because he didn’t know about Islam

Malik: How did he become Muslim?

Me: He met some Muslims and they told him about Islam.

Malik: Oh! And they talk to him about Islam and he said ‘okay, I will become Muslim’.

Me: Yes

Malik: Oh! That’s good. They must have been very polite.

(I thought to myself 'what an amazing association, to link politeness and good character as a motivating factor for another person to become a Muslim')

Continue reciting and reading the meaning...


Malik: When will Khilafah come?

Me: When Allah wants it to come.

Malik: Oh! I can’t wait to see the Khilafah. I wonder what he will look like.

Me: Khilafah is not a person. It is a state, a country

Malik: Oh! Can we go there?

Me; No Malik, it is not there yet.

(How incredible! To him, the Khilafah is visual and something tangible like a person and when I told him it is a country (a state), he wants to go there. To him it is real and not abstract)

Continue discussing about surat Al-Baiyinah...

“Those who believe and do righteous good deeds...”

Me: see Malik, we cannot just believe, we must also do what Allah tells us to do.

Malik: But how? We cannot hear him!

Me: (LOL!) Malik!...that’s why we read the Qur’an because this is Allah’s Words. Allah is talking to us in the Qur’an and telling us what to do la....

Malik: Oh.....

I love to hear my children express their thoughts, to say what is in their mind, to ask questions and be inquisitive. However, not in the Western view of individualism and capitalism and selfishness but in a way that they want to get to the Truth, to get closer to Allah.

O Allah! Please make my children strong worshippers of You, adherent to the Truth, with patience and steadfastness. Amin!

Missing UK but enjoying Malaysia

It is now nearly 8 months since we left UK, Hadiya has finally realised that Malaysia is not England. She said,"We're going back to England". Luqman still has no idea that he is on planet earth. Malik is completely happy to be in Malaysia and he has become so tanned that he is truly a Malay. Fajar misses her friends in England as not many girls in her school has the same 'head' as her i.e. sama kepala.

As for me...sometimes this funny thought crosses my mind and it says.."okay, I had a lot of fun and now it's time to go back to England". I miss UK but actually, I don't know what I am missing. I know that if I were to leave Malaysia I would miss a lot of things and I can truly name them. I will miss my family, my work, this beautiful apartment, the weekends that we spend going to all sorts of interesting places. Still, I miss the UK routine. I still feel that my life is there and I'm just on holiday here. I think most people in my situation probably felt the same and many more who decide to follow this path will feel the same way. I miss how things were done in the UK, the normal daily routine.

Otherwise, I do feel that our quality of life here is so much better. The food, the family, the working environment, the people, going out...Last Sunday, we went to Shah Alam Wet world. it is a modest place with lots of different pools for toddlers, for children, for adults and a big water slide. We had so much fun and it was such a nice feeling. I wouldn't dream of going to such a place in the UK. Well, for starters everyone would stare at me when I enter the pool with my hijaab and jilbab but in Malaysia, most people were covered and no one had a bikini on. Some wore swimming suits with sleeves, most people had a T-shirt on and some like me, had their hijaabs on. I felt completely at ease.

Me and hubby make it a point that every weekend we would go somewhere special even if its to the park to play kites. Weekend is family time and doing something together. There's so many places to go to and I feel completely safe. Even though I know the crime rate is high and I have to be careful wherever I go but I know that the criminals are bad guys. In UK, I often felt insecure that someone would attack me or abuse me because I am a Muslim. To be abused by so called 'normal' people is worse than being attacked by criminals. To be fair, I never personally experienced any racial or religious abuse but I never felt free to go anywhere alone. On top of that Friday, Saturday night was a no-no!

Over here, families are out til late at night and generally, I feel safer because I know no one is going to attack me because I am a Muslim.

So, I think over time...this feeling of missing UK would disappear as I get into the routine of my life here.

I keep having this tug of war between my dissatisfaction with the UK in many different issues and my attachment to certain things in UK. At the end of the day, the risks outweigh the benefits and here I am, back in the land I was born...the place I left 17 years ago.

In some ways many things have changed but in some ways, many things are still the same. I think it took me 5-6 years to adjust myself in the UK. I never really felt settled in UK until I started my first job as a House officer at Lewisham Hospital. I had so much fun and great memories at Lewisham that I'd treasure forever. I hope it wouldn't take me 5-6 years to resettle myself in Malaysia...

Analysis of the new Vampire movie

I watched 'Eclipse' yesterday and despite its 'feel good' factor, complete fantasy, Vampires and Robert Pattinson, I can't help feeling absolutely nauseated by the whole thing. I felt completely annoyed to the extend that I have to write it down in my blog and share it with all of my friends.

I have read all four twilight books (embarrassingly) and this third movie confirms one thing...it is purely a naive girl's fantasy.

1. The whole movie resolves around one girl and how the whole town is there to protect her. I mean how egocentric is that?

2. She meets this Filthy rich guy and he doesn't have to work. Okay, most guys who have time to puppy-dog around for a girl are pretty skinned.

3. She meets this gorgeous guy and he doesn't have a million other girlfriends. Okay, that is pretty lame unless the guy has Iman and Taqwa (i.e. he won't be going out with any girl for that matter but will simply get married)

4. She has two guys chasing after her and they will 'wait' for her and let her go if she decides to go for either one of them. Okay...how noble! Are we living at a time of chivalry and Cavalry?

Okay, I can list a few more but I haven't got time right now...

My only fear is that girls will watch this movie and actually believe in this fantasy or influenced to attain such 'romantic' ideal. I know most girls will not because they are more intelligent than that but still, it is important to point out that hollywood movies are full of fantasy. Just like if you're watching a monster movie, you know there's no such thing as a monster and of course, vampires are a big clue that this movie is actually fictional. Hence, the dream guy is fictional and this romance is fictional.

I wish they would write books that actually encourages girls to be strong, to achieve something for themselves, to be independent thinkers instead of chasing after 'love'.

It is important especially for Muslims, if you intend to watch these kind of movies to place yourself in reality and understand that we are here to worship Allah, to understand what is allowed and what is forbidden and not to get completely absorbed by fantasies and lies...

Remember surah Nisa 118-119

"Allah cursed him (Syaitan) and he (syaitan) said "I will take an appointed portion of your slaves. Verily! I will mislead them and surely I will arouse in them false desires and I will order them to slit the ears of cattle (false worship) and indeed I will order them to change the nature created by Allah. And whoever takes Syaitan as his protector (wali) has surely suffered a manifest loss. He (syaitan) makes promises to them and arouses in them false desires and the promise of Syaitan is nothing but deception"

Work-life balance: what rubbish!

Have you ever heard of the term 'work-life balance'. It is an idea being sold to women all over the world especially in the West. It has become an aspiration of many women to achieve this state of balance between their working life and family life.

For a long time, I too was enchanted by this notion. Sometimes, I even believed that I have somehow achieved this work-life balance until something happens out of the blue as life always does, that tips this balance to one end of the scale or the other and I found that I was back to square one. The state of constant struggle to achieve a state of perfection.

Today, it suddenly struck me that there is no such thing as work-life balance. this whole idea was a scam, a bull**** to make women feel even more inadequate, encouraging women to chase after a rainbow. I realised this when I was told that I might have to attend another function this weekend and I'm doing a voluntary session the Sunday afterwards. In my mind...this question of 'am I achieving work-life balance' arise...but then it struck me, there is no such thing.

Today I realised that there is just life...and life is about work, about family, about friends, about grocery shopping, about going on holiday, about missing datelines, about rushing off from work to pick up your child's report card from school, about ringing home every hour to make sure that your child's fever is still under control. Life is about everything that a person has to do, has to fulfil their responsibility in whatever position they are in, in whatever circumstances that Allah has put them in.

I get totally fed-up when I come across people or articles talking about how Islam does not oblige women to work. Of course I know that but sometimes, the idea is sold as though under the Islamic state, all women stay at home and become 'ladies of leisure'. If that was the case then, why did Fatima r.a. daughter of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) had to work grinding flour until her hands were sore. Didn't she complained to her husband about it and he too complained that he had to work carrying water until his back hurts. Didn't they go to the Prophet (saw) asking him for a servant to help them and he refused them? Did he say to his beloved daughter "Oh my daughter, women do not have to work. That is the man's responsibility?" No! he never said that.

So, get over it. Khilafah or not, some women have to work.

The problem is not working women but the Capitalist secular system that puts unnecessary expectations on women to be super moms! Has anyone even define what this super mom is supposed to be or what she is supposed to achieve within her short life?

With the correct system, women who wants to work can work and women who have to work are left alone to get on with what they have to do. Believe me, they will do it well. They will be great mothers, great workers, great contributors to society. Just let them do what they have to do and don't put silly unattainable expectations on them.

Remembering UK...

Our mind is powerful and it controls us, our thoughts, behaviour and it shapes the way we view the world and feel towards things.

We are almost settled here in Malaysia but a part of me just can't let go of UK. A part of me has doubt, has fear of letting go. It is like getting rid of a security blanket. I don't know why.

For 17 years, that was the only life I knew. My friends, my home, the place my children were born and brought up, lovely memories of working in the hospital, great colleagues and good friends. We are our experiences and memories, the people we meet along the way and share our lives, our thoughts and feelings with. UK made me the person I am today and Malaysia was my childhood. there are a lot of things that I can list down (and I think I have already) regarding my annoyance and frustration with the UK but still...It was in the UK that I found Islam (ironically), it was in the UK that I understood what Islam was, real Islam, true Islam NOT the Western secular Islam the British government and their puppet 'shaikhs' are trying to sell the Ummah.

It was in the UK that I learned great Medicine and met great Doctors, good colleagues who were professional, conscientious, brave and caring. I can name a few people who really gave me encouragement, to believe in myself and to have faith and confidence in my own abilities.

Now, I am here in Malaysia and I can see the bigger picture... I understand it now, things I never understood before. Concepts that were once simply in my mind are now in my daily life, a reality.

I understand what is life and death. The Prophet (saw) says "Be in this world like a stranger or a traveler" or he said, "if you knew what I knew, you would not be too concerned about this world." What does it mean? It means this world is a box and we are in the box, but if you had a glimpse of what was beyond that box, you wouldn't be too concerned about the luxuries and comforts that you have in that box. Umar ibn Abdul Aziz wrote "Whoever is frequent in remembering death, is content with a little of this life."

Yet, some things I still can't bear to face up to...like the possibility of losing my loved ones, my parents. I know things will happen no matter how I feel or whether I can deal with it or not but some things are just too difficult to even imagine. In this life, we have attachments...and those things are not wealth, not houses or cars or money or richness but rather they are the people whom we love, our family, our friends, our children and fond memories.

I think the more I'm writing the more I am making less sense...I think what I'm trying to say is that...in my mind; I am not settled in Malaysia even though in reality I am. In my mind I still have ties to the UK...my memories. A tiny part of me sometimes says..."it has been great! it has been incredible! but I want to go back home now. I want to go back to UK."

Don't worry, it is just a tiny voice and as time goes on...the voice is getting softer and softer...but it is still a small voice inside my mind, or maybe my heart. I just want anyone who reads this to know that to feel like that is normal and it doesn't mean that things are not okay.

Our visit to Cherating, Pahang

We left home at 8.30am for a leisurely drive towards Kuantan. The journey there was absolutely breath-taking. It was one of the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. It was simply greenery, mountains, clouds as far as the eye can see. I mean everywhere in the world there's the beauty of God's creations. When I was in UK, I appreciated the four seasons. I don't think there is any reason for us to be proud of our 'country' as such because it doesn't belong to us, it is not our handiwork for us to be 'proud' of rather, it is all God's handiwork.

The wonder of Pahang is that it is unadulterated. It was just natural and pure as far as you can see. Apart from the highway which was man-made, there were no buildings, no concrete...it was just pure beauty.

We reached Cherating at around 1pm after a long leisurely drive and the kids fighting and screaming in the back. We checked in at our chalet and straight away went to the beach. The children were so excited as they have not seen a sandy beach in their lives. They have been to Deal, Kent many times to visit Grandpa and Jenny and they have enjoyed the stony beach there, throwing stone into the sea but this was a completely new adventure, a completely new level.

I am not criticizing God's creation over another but believe me, this beach was at another level; even compared to any beach you can find at the West coast of Malaysia. I know that there are other more beautiful beaches in the world or even in East coast Malaysia e.g. Pulau Perhentian, Pulau Kapas or Pulau Tioman...but Cherating was at a higher level. It is like comparing Long grain rice to Basmati Rice.

For three days we spent morning and evening at the beach; only leaving the beach at around 11.30 when the sun is up (most dangerous UV light) and returning to the beach when the sun is less intense at around 4.30pm. We spent our time at two different locations, one bay where the children could swim as far as they wanted without being worried of being swept away; it was like a natural swimming pool. The water was see-through and waist deep for a long way. The other beach was an open beach...there the children enjoyed the waves.

On the third day, we spent the morning at the beach after a nice early breakfast. There were restaurants all along the main village road...and Cafe 619 makes the best roti canai, nasi lemak at a very reasonable price. We checked out from the Chalet at 12 noon and made our way to Kuantan Town. We stopped at the town to have lunch at KFC...yes, we were missing fast-food. Then, we made our wonderful scenic journey home.

If you ever come to visit Malaysia...you must visit the beach in East Coast of Malaysia; it is best to visit between March - October before the monsoon season.

A list of things that I've realised since I've left UK

1. You do not have to be in control of everything.

Yes! What a relief! You do not have to be in control of everything. The house doesn't have to be spotless! You do not have to work, look after children, prepare the meal and still look like Miss Universe. You can make mistakes. You sometimes will lose your temper. You get ill and exhausted sometimes and you just want to have a rest and it is all okay. Most importantly, you are not in control of how your child will turn up. You are not in control of anything. Forget about "What will happen if I do this..." or "What will happen if I do that..." You just concentrate on what you have to do, what is Fardh, what is haraam and your accountability; and leave all the rest to God.

2. You do not have to be the "perfect mom"

Yes! Your children do not need you 24-7. They do not need you breathing down their backs. You just need a trustworthy adult to be around to make sure they are okay and leave them to play, to fight, to laugh and to cry. Give them your love and enforce the discipline that they need. They need to know the boundaries and they need to know that you are boss!

3. Children do NOT need toys.

Oh boy! they really don't. They need space to run around and each other. Let them use their imagination. Their whole surrounding is their play area and everything in it are their toys. They love playing with leaves, with stones, with boxes...even ants! Instead buy yourself nice things. LOL!

4. Studying is a great past time.

If you want a great past time for your kids. Get them to study. Get them to find out things. Get them to do research. Discuss with them about the world, history, geography, science...all these knowledge is about God's creation. There is nothing more fulfilling than getting to know the Creator.

5. Night is for sleep and day is for seeking the bounty of Allah.

Qur'an Surah Rum: 23 "And among His Signs is your sleep by night and by day, your seeking of His bounty. Verily in that are signs for people who hear."


Day time is a time for work, school, study, visiting friends and relatives, going shopping. Day time is activity time. There is no time for rest except when you are ill; like I'm ill at the moment with a bit of fever or just a short nap after praying zuhur to rejuvenate yourself. After that, go out and seek the bounty of Allah, go out and seek the rewards of Allah. There is no time to procrastinate.

6. House work is not a chore! and work can be very fulfilling.

There is no such word as 'chore' in the Malay language. There is 'house-work' and there is 'office work'. Wherever you are, home or office you have to work. To live is to survive and to survive you need to work, you need to do something. Those who claim that life is for pleasure and enjoyment usually ends up doing nothing. They anticipate for the time when they will be free to do other things that are enjoyable like when it is time to go home from work, friday night when it is time to go to the pub, weekend when they can 'enjoy' themselves. The rest of the time they are not living but they are dead...just doing what they need to do because they have to, because it is a chore.

Every second we are living...and in everything that we do there is opportunity for reward in this world and the hereafter. If we put our effort into it and if we do things with others.

Furthermore Allah swt says "O you who believe! Answer the call of Allah and His Messenger when He calls you to that gives you life". Hence, Islam is the ingredient that gives us life. So, we need to answer to the call of Islam and perform all the things that we need to do as Muslims such as in Da'wah and Jihad. Hence, procrastination is not an option.

7. Rizk is completely and utterly in the hands of God.

God gives and He takes away and no one else can give it to you or take it away from you. Everything that you have no matter where it came from is from God so, be thankful to Him alone. However, you need to work hard because that is what you have to do. You must be like the bird that goes out in the morning seeking its provision. Living off the benefit system is not an option. It is a system that demotivates people, separates the strong-willed from the weak. It is a system that divides people into classes and eventually destroys them. Instead, make it easy for people to set up small businesses. Give them land to grow things and produce crops...Stop giving people small hand-outs; just give them a life!

Past...present...future

It is true what is said in the Qur'an as Allah swears "By time! Man is clearly at a loss except those who have Faith and does righteous good deeds, and to remind one another with the Truth and to remind one another with patience." Allah swears by the Time that He, Himself has created that human beings are wasting time...

I'm saying this because...I'm just thinking about six months ago when I was waiting to return to Malaysia; I was dreaming to meet my family again and what kind of life I was going to have and here I am, I have fulfilled my dreams. I have achieved what I wanted to achieve. My feeling of longing for the future, the anticipation is now a reality, it is the present and somethings are already in the past.

Now, I am longing for other things. I am dreaming of next week when I should be getting my new car, when I'll be going to visit Melaka for a family trip, or my dream of going to visit the beach in Pahang at the next school holiday. However, after next week that will be the past and who knows whether I will be going to Melaka or not; but if I do, it will no longer be a dream, an imagination but it will be a memory. Hopefully, a sweet memory.

This is life. We are constantly yearning to get to the next level. As a child, we want to grow up. When we are at University, we want to graduate and work. When we start our jobs, we want to get a promotion. Sooner or later, we will get to where we want to be or maybe not but still, time carries on and it waits for no one.

Sometimes we get broken-hearted and it feels like nothing can ever make the feelings of pain go away and yet, time is a healer. The thing that seems so important and crucial today may not be as important tomorrow. Things that seem very intense today may seem rather trivial tomorrow.

Sometimes after we have achieved what we wanted to achieve and we tend to think, now what? or what's next? This goes on and on until one day we reach the end of our journey and then we understand that is the final destination. That is actually our target and yet, have we prepared for it?

Hence, the surah Al-Asr (The Time) a reminder for me that we are all lost in this world, victims of time and space, rushing herds except those who have Iman and does the righteous good deeds. The deeds prescribed to us by the Creator. It gives another meaning to this life, another level of consciousness.

Roller-coaster ride

Took the children to Berjaya Times Square on Saturday 8th May 2010. At first, we went on the kiddie's ride for Malik and Hadiya. It was nice and relaxing. This was actually our first proper Malaysian outing since we relocated back to KL.

Prior to this, we couldn't really 'pamper' ourselves because there was a lot of bureaucratic things to sort out and we had to live off our savings until we had a job. I feel a bit sad at times because people have the impression that anyone who returns from UK must be loaded with money due to the high exchange rate (or shall I say...previously high exchange rate). Things are different from one person to another and Allah gives his Rizk to whom He Wills. Truth was...we were struggling but Alhamdulillah we had enough to live and to survive. Life in London was expensive, the Rent, the Food, Petrol, Car maintenance, Islamic school fees and it wasn't easy. If someone earns £1200 and you think, "well, that is like RM6000" but the house rent is £730, Food expenses is £200 a month plus £200 on utility bills and petrol...well, you do the maths. It is not all rosy over there.

Alhamdulillah we are fine now and Allah showers His Grace and Bounty to whom He wills; He gives and He can take away and no one has the power but Him. I understand that now. I do not worry about Rizk and I understand that in life, we must work hard and we must excel in everything that we do because we want to be the best; not for Glory, not for wealth, not for status but for the sake of God. It is another sad feeling when you realise how Capitalism has corrupted everything; making MATERIAL BENEFIT the purpose of our action. When people only does things to achieve a material gain and they can't see beyond that. How sincerity is only when you do something for the sake of God.

Anyway, Times Square...

It was a bit expensive so, I thought like it or not I must go on the roller-coaster ride. I'm not a roller-coaster kind of person and never actually been on one in my entire life. Still, I must go on this one just for the experience.

Before that, we went on the Dizzy Izzy and it is like this spinning thing that spins on itself in multidimensional ways. I really felt sick! It is like you're sitting there and your insides are churning and your mind is just thinking when is this going to end. Hence, I was very apprehensive about going on the roller-coaster thinking...if I sit on that seat and plug myself in, I can't get out of it half way.

Anyway, we sat in the roller-coaster Fajar and I and waited. Then, it was time and away we go...Boy! I never screamed so much in my adult life. You know as a young child, you can scream your lungs out and not feel any inhibitions. I still remember those days but as an adult, you bearly scream unless there's some emergency. On that roller-coaster ride, we all screamed. Roller-coaster was nothing like the previous ride. There was no time to even think. It was purely adrenaline rush. It was fast, it was exciting but it was over before you knew it. Fajar's legs became like jelly afterwards. She could bearly carry herself but it was enjoyable. A once in a lifetime experience.

Reminiscing

Five months ago, I stepped out of the aeroplane and landed back home. I was full of hopes and dreams but I didn't know what to expect. I went through various emotional turmoils and various obstacles. There was endless bureaucracy, form-filings, documents and government officials. There were interviews and waiting...

Now, five months on...the picture is almost complete. Things have fallen into place. This morning I started remembering my early days here, getting flashes of visual images of me having lunch with my sister, still unsure of the future. I was constantly worried, slight fearful but building a complete Trust in Allah that He will sort it out. Everyday I pray to Him to look after me, to protect me and my children and never to leave me to my own device for even one second. Who are we without Him?

Life is ever changing and nothing remains the same. We should constantly strive to become better everyday and to know that hardship will come to pass. All we need is Tawakkal and Sabr. If our life becomes hard, then whatever is in our control and we can change it, we need to strive to make that change but leave the rest to God.

It is mind-boggling thinking about the last 5 months and all the things that we as a family went through. It has been difficult, testing but it has been worth-it Alhamdulillah. There is still so much I want to do, in my life, for my children, in my work but Patience, perseverence and planning is the key. I'm taking a bit of time reflecting on things, on life itself, in Islam, in duties and responsibilities, in what I want to achieve for this year...

I am just so grateful to Allah for every second, everyday and every minute I am alive in this world; to be able to spend time with my family, my parents, my siblings is like a dream come true. To be able to convey whatever little knowledge I have to others.

To all my friends or anyone out there who has plans to relocate. If you have prayed Istiharah and Allah has guided you to the right way; then just put your Trust in Allah and do what you have to do. Whatever hardship and difficulties placed in your path, never lose your Trust in Him, have patience and your Tawakkal will only get stronger. Ameen

Dreams and ambitions

27th April 2010

This morning I was listening to 'Motivasi pagi' again by Uztaz from IKIM FM and he was talking about having a vision or a dream. He talked about an experience when he was young and there was a day at school when every child had to wear a special costume of what they dreamt of becoming when they grew up. Some came as police officers, others as soldiers, maybe some as teachers or err...cowboys but he came as an Ustaz. To have a dream or a vision for a future is important for human beings. We all need to aspire to become something, to have hopes and dreams. Truth is human beings can achieve anything and can become anything as long as we have a vision; all we need after that is hard-work and effort.

Without vision, we will lose hope, be non-productive, lose our confidence and lose ourselves in the process. When life becomes a daily routine and days filled with chores...but we could do the same actions but with a vision, we will feel inspired.

The Uztaz gave an example of an elephant in a zoo. This large strong elephant had its feet chained and it stands there, not struggling, not fighting, not attempting to break free. The story of the elephant goes...that from a very young age, the elephant was chained by its master. Initially it struggled but this young elephant was small, the chain was stronger and it failed to break lose. As this elephant got older, it became stronger and potentially one little effort would break the chain to pieces, but the elephant never tried. It was no longer the chain that became a shackle for the elephant but its own mind. This is what happens when a person loses hope Even when the opportunity arises to stand up and fight, or to do something for himself, to get himself out of a situation; he will think that it is too late or he won't succeed.

It is so important to have dreams, to have a vision of what we want to be and what we want to achieve. The uztaz gave a clear example of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) in the battle of Ahzab; the Muslims were outnumbered, they were surrounded by the confederates, a large army comprising the Quraysh, various other Arab tribes and the Jews. There was a threat of betrayal from the Jews within Madinah and yet, when he was with his army digging the trench to protect the Islamic state and he struck a large stone and sparks flew and he was given a vision that the Muslims would conquer Rome (Byzantine) and that the Muslims would conquer Persia. The TWO largest strongest super power of that time. The sahabah heard these visions and they never for one second thought 'That is too far-fetched' or 'How can that ever become a reality when we are currently being surrounded by enemy forces'. They saw that vision and they worked harder than ever.

With a vision and with the help of Allah we can achieve anything, even if it takes 10 years or a 100 years, it doesn't matter...The only thing that can stop us from achieving our dreams is our own mentality. The BEST vision is the Islamic vision, to see Islam rise again as the Khilafah on the method of the Prophet (saw).

IKIM FM 91.5 at 7.30am Motivasi Ustaz

On my way to work everyday, I listen to IKIM FM. It is a local radio show and I love it because it talks about Islam. I listen to traffic news, local and international news and my favourite show is 'Motivasi pagi' (morning motivation) by an Ustaz. The Uztaz talks about different topics everyday and it is a short clip of around 15 mins.

This morning Uztaz was talking about 'comfort zone'. It made so much sense to me that I thought I'd share it with everyone. He talks about how human beings today like to live in their comfort zone or in Malay, he puts it as 'zone selesa'. And yet, this kind of behaviour is actually not islamic and not the kind of behaviour shown by our Prophet (saw).

In Islam, there is no such thing as comfort zone but rather we should constantly strive to become better in everything that we do. In our Ibaadah (Of course), in our personality, in our work, in our da'wah. The Uztaz talked about the example of our Prophet Muhammad (saw) and how he was constantly changing and taking on different roles and responsibility, when he was young he was a sheppard, he then became a business man, he was then given the responsibility of Prophethood, he was a father, a husband, a leader, he led the army of jihad and he continuously strived to make things better. After the treaty of Hudaibiyah, he was not happy living in a 'comfort zone', he moved on to send letters to different super powers at the time, Rome, Persia, Egypt, Yemen and other places. He continued progressing until the moment he passed away.

The idea of comfort zone is a Western concept indoctrinated within us to make us procrastinate and comfortable in the life that we are in. We are often afraid to try new things or to move forward...we want our lives to remain constant and unchanged, afraid even to speak the Truth at times in case we might change the status-quo or 'rock the boat'. Also, since the introduction of specialisations and allocation of work - people have developed the psychological mentality that we need to only focus on our area of expertise, just focus on what we know. Yet, if we look at the Islamic scholars in the past like Imam Syafie, Ibnu sina, Al-Biruni; they excel in all areas and fields of study, in Qur'an, in Hadith, in History, in medicine, in Astronomy and anything that they put their mind into.

One thing I've truly learned and understood since moving to Malaysia is that life is not constant, it is fluid...things change and life changes and everything that happens good or bad is part of this worldly life, like passing exams, failing exams, getting a job, losing a job, birth of child or death of loved ones. If we expect things to remain the same forever then, we will suffer from stress, depression, anxiety, excessive worry...all the things that is unislamic. Allah asked us to have sabr, to have tawakkal (trust) in Him, These are the measurements of our faith in Him. There is no comfort zone in this life, there is only striving to become better.

The Uztaz was talking about our final destination; either Jannah or Jahannam and he talked about what level of Jannah we are aiming for. Of course we know that there are different levels of Jannah, the highest Jannah is like '5-star hotel' (just as an example). Anyway, he said something that really made me think, he said even if we manage to get to Jannah (which is of course Alhamdulillah) and we're sitting there in maybe a lower Jannah sipping our lovely pure water in a crystal glass, sitting on a throne...we will still feel a tinge of regret that we didn't work harder when we see our friends or family in a higher Jannah drinking from a cup of Gold and silver with emeralds and pearls. This is just an example, to give us a visual perception. How Jannah would be and the differences in its pleasures at different levels, only Allah knows...Still, it is important to realise that we won't get anywhere living in our comfort zones...it is the nature of a Muslim/ or human in general to strive to change and become better, to achieve the best in everything we do especially in trying to attain Jannah.

My experiences in Malaysia and remembering Allah

I'm still feeling slightly overwhelmed by all the different experiences that I've gone through since my move to Malaysia. I've had many good experiences and some bad or weird experiences and also some 'wow!' experiences.

I still can't believe for e.g. my journey to work everyday. If I go to work towards Jalan Kuching then, I experience a beautiful journey of staring at the Petronas Twin Towers with the background of the sun-rise. If I go via MRR2 route then, I pass zoo Negara and Batu Caves everyday. It is a beautiful scenery with lots of hills and greenery. When I was little Batu Caves just seemed like another country and we only ever used to pass it on our way to Mimaland Water Park. It is just amazing and it brings back a lot of happy memories for me.

One thing I've learned since returning to Malaysia is that life is fluid and not constant; anything can happy at anytime, any day; some good some bad and you need to constantly remember Allah and be grateful for everything, big and small. For e.g. you could be going to work happily and the next thing you know when you come out of your clinic is that your car has been towed because the owner of the car whom you borrowed from has not paid his loan for this month. As you can imagine, I was panicking. Well, actually I wasn't panicking...I was just staring at the spot where I was sure I parked the car and just making dua that the car will suddenly reappear. But Alhamdulillah I was calm and after everything else that has happened to me...nothing surprises me anymore and nothing truly affects me anymore. All I could do was just pray to God that the car was not stolen because it wasn't my car. So, Alhamdulillah it wasn't stolen but it was the owner's own fault so, I was fine.

Then, my colleagues were simply amazing and so nice. They made calls for me, took me to the train station so, I could get home. They did it as if it was second nature to them. There was no hesitation at all. You can say what you like about Malaysia but you cannot deny the friendliness and generosity of the people. For example, when my hubby went to a course and he took public transport; on the way home he stopped by the mosque and one of the Pak Cik (uncle) there gave him a lift to the train station. SubhanAllah! may Allah reward those who do good. Amin.

The main lesson for me is...you know we always say to ourselves 'inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi Rajiun' and it's not that we don't believe in it but when you live somewhere and when you experience it everyday; that Allah gives you something and then, it is taken away and then He gives you something else and takes it away again and the cycle goes on and on...you start to understand that there is nothing constant or permanent in this life; nothing except Allah. Everything is temporary, wealth, car, house and of course the saddest thing of all, losing family members or people you love...still, God gives and God takes away and that is life.

When I was living in UK, you get this false sense of security or idea that everything is constant and routine. You wake up in the morning and the sun will shine, it will be day time and the day will be followed by the night. You expect your loved ones to be there, your wealth, your house, your car, your work, your life will be the same everyday and as soon as things don't happen the way you expect it to happen, people get stressed, agitated, worried, ungrateful...as if God or the world owes them something. As if they deserve everything to be right in their lives but listen to this, Allah swt says in the Qur'an "Say, 'Tell me! if Allah made night continuous for you till the day of Resurrection, who is the god besides Allah who could bring you light? Will you not then hear?.' Say 'tell me! If Allah made day continuous for you till the Day of Resurrection, who is the God besides Allah who could bring you night for you to rest? Will you not then see? " Al Qasas: 71-72

It means that the consistency of day and night is because Allah made it so and He wills it to be so. The reason why we wake up and we still have our loved ones, our house, our car, our wealth, our life is because Allah has made it so. Now that I'm out of that 'bubble' of The Western way of viewing things... I understand that life is not constant, it is like water in the ocean...sometimes things are calm and you can see where you're going but sometimes you're caught in a storm but whatever the situation is, you know that Allah is always there and He is the One who gives and He is the One who takes away.

Despite all the hardships and troubles that I've gone through since my move here in Malaysia. I definitely feel calmer and happier because I finally understand that I have little control of my life. The only control I have is on my decisions and actions - i.e. the bit that I'm accountable for. I've let go off many things and worry less about things. Of course I still worry about stuff like my kids and what will happen to them, their Iman (faith and Islam), I worry about the situation of the Ummah but I do what I have to do, I say what I have to say, I advice to whom I need to give advice, I talk to my children and I make lots of dua.

Applying for a visa for your spouse

This is a straight forward process provided you know what you're doing and you have all of the relevant documents.

1. Get the forms from your local imigration department. You do not need to go to PutraJaya. If you live in Selangor, you can go to Shah Alam or Damansara if you live in KL. There maybe other places but you need to find out.

2. Fill in the forms which is quite A LOT!!! You need to get Signature from PesuruhJaya Tinggi for 2 Surat Akuan (usually will be within same building as the imigration department) and Stamp Duty Chop from Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri for your security bond (LHDN is usually in another building but close by)

3. Hand in all the stuff including all required photocopy of documents.

4. For those who get married overseas please make sure you get a marriage certificate from the mosque or equivalent with the marriage date.

5. You MUST register your marriage at Jabatan Agama Islam Negeri when you return to Malaysia preferably within the first year of your marriage. They will keep your overseas marriage certificate, so make sure you get a few certified copies because Imigration wants to see your overseas certificate as well.

6. If your husband is a convert, make sure he gets a conversion certificate from your local mosque or relevant mosque (in UK it would be Regent's Park Mosque). Of course you DON'T NEED a piece of paper to become a Muslim rather, all you need is to affirm that There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is the Messenger of God; (Shahadah) but for the purpose of imigration, just get a certificate. We are after all dealing with a non-Khilafah country.

7 After handing in all of the forms and documents, they will give you a reference number inside your passport, you ring them in one weeks time and if your application is successful, you bring your passport and get the visa (and of course pay your fees and BOND - I won't tell you how much cause it may change with time but safe to say keep a couple of thousands in your bank)

8. Relevant documents includes husband birth certificate, passport; your ID card, birth certificate and the PASSPORT you had when you got married (not recent), your children's birth certificate and visa or citizenship certificates, marriage certificate etc...

8. MAKE SURE YOU BRING ALL ORIGINAL DOCUMENTS TO BE VERIFIED BY THE OFFICER.

Regarding work/sponsorship:

If your husband has a job, you can apply for permission to work at the same time as the visa application. You must bring the offer letter plus company profile that has been endorsed by the company secretary.

If your husband has not got a job yet, he will need a sponsor. The sponsor could either be yourself (if you are working and earn more than RM2000 a month) or someone else. If it is someone else, they need to fill in one of the forms.

Once your husband gets a job, then you can apply for work permission.

You and your husband MUST be present at the time of application and renewal. The first visa is for 6 months then, potentially annually.

Questions.
Will I get my security bond back?
Only if your husband dies or if the two of you get a divorce (with proper divorce papers)

Is this process the same for wife?
Don't know...

I hope this has been helpful to the relevant people; please note that this is only based on my personal experience and the rules are constantly changing. To find out about the latest guidelines and further information please contact your local imigration office.

Setting your own pace

6th April 2010

Alhamdulillah, things have settled down. From the time we first came home...all the bureaucracy, the visa, the interviews, the wait...now, things are in place and the pieces of the jigsaw is starting to form a picture. It may not be completed yet but at least you can see a picture emerging.

Everyone around me have been kind and helpful. However, it is important for me to set my own pace. There is a lot of learning to be done even for example, the roads in Malaysia. I've got lost several times just because I missed my turning and having to go through the whole of KL to get to where I wanted to go. It was terribly frustrating but that is part of the learning process. Next time, I know (or hope) that I won't make the same mistake again. I will insyaAllah NOT miss my exit. There have been times when I've taken the wrong turning and ended up going through a short cut...so, I've also learned something from my mistake...something good. That is life.

I've spent the last 3-4 months learning the Malaysian system especially when it comes to immigration. How to apply for visa for your spouse, your kids, where is Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri or what is it? It was a very steep learning curve...and now, I'm learning about the health system in Malaysia and my responsibilities at work.

It is very interesting and challenging. I am the type of person who likes to know how things work. Some people can just jump in and start doing things and experiment with new ideas; these people are known as the Activists but not me. I like to observe first and get to know the bigger picture. It is important for me to know my role within that bigger picture...and at the moment I'm starting to get a visual image of the bigger picture. When I can see my role within that bigger picture then, I can start to fly...

I also realise that I'm joining a highway of people...it's like if you're driving on a highway, you know that everyone has already set their pace and they are comfortable with that environment. I'm just joining the highway but I've been lucky that I manage to join the other traffic with ease but I still haven't decided on my pace or which lane I should go into, should I stay on the slow lane, middle lane or the overtaking lane. I'm still watching for large heavy vehicles, for sign boards, for other cars that are driving at 100mph.

What I'm trying to say is that you will take a bit of time to get familiar with your new life. You need time to know the system, to adjust and to be comfortable with your surroundings. I believe this is a normal process. There are still days when I ask myself, "Why am I here?" but those times are getting rare. There is no doubt that I miss certain things in the UK but I'm starting to feel that I belong here. Besides, if all else fails...I just look at my kids and I know no matter where we are, we'll be okay as long as we're together. May Allah keep us in His Protection at all times. Amin.

Missing UK

31st March 2010

I was feeling UK-sick today. I don't know why. Generally I feel happier here in Malaysia. Of course having family close by is the source of all happiness but also I am enjoying work.

At the same time, I'm feeling a bit like 'fish out of water'. I miss certain things in the UK. I miss my friends. I went for lunch today and walking around, it suddenly dawned on me that I missed UK. I miss certain things like everyone speaking with an English accent or listening to the BBC news and sarcasm...hmmm...what would I do without sarcasm??? I miss watching Doctor Who, although I believe the new series have not started yet. I miss having salads. I miss going to work and actually knowing what I'm doing like which forms to fill in, who to refer to and which medications I'm allowed or not allowed to prescribe.

I know this is all new to me and it is normal to feel out of place or lack of knowledge in a new environment. There's so much to learn and I miss my 'comfort' zone. I don't know how I would feel if I was back in the UK even for a holiday. It would be really weird and I think I would feel absolutely devastated if I did have to go back for whatever reason; other than a short holiday to visit friends.

Things are much more relaxed here. Everyone just seem to take their own sweet time and it is nice to be able to talk to anyone anywhere. I was on my way home from work and there was a dreadful traffic jam. We were barely moving at all so, I stopped by the petrol station. Whilst I was filling up, the lady who works there asked if I was okay and I just started chatting to her, asking her if she knew why there was a traffic jam. She told me there's flooding and so, just started asking her how long she's been working there. She told me she's worked there for years and that is where she finds her Rizk; I told her that the only thing that is important is to find Halaal Rizk and she agreed. She started cleaning my windscreen and afterwards, I drove back into the traffic jam feeling very relaxed.

These were the kind of things I missed when I was in the UK, just genuine encounters with people. People who would give you their time and not look at you like you're about to blow them up! People who smile at you from their hearts and not eye you with mistrust. Sometimes in the UK people do smile back at me after I smile at them, I usually smile at people even if they look at me in a weary way. Still, it is not the same...May Allah always preserve the Iman and the love in our hearts.

Family outing, Rizk and lightning.

After 3 months...finally I feel settled here. We started our weekend with a shopping trip and dinner at KFC. Everyone in UK says the best part about living in a Muslim country is the halaal food. I agree that there's more choice of halaal food around including fast-food. Still, with the recent news of halaal stamps being bought from private company, one has to be very careful where one eats.

I feel like I've learned a lot within this 3 months about myself, about others, about Malaysia and about life itself. Things are a lot more uncertain here but there is more need to rely on Allah and to constantly seek for His Help, His Mercy and Guidance. I think finally...or should I say at last I've understood Rizk (Rezeki). We always say Rizk is from Allah but in the UK, this concept is tainted by the Government's Benefit system and people feel that their reliance is on the state. In a country where there is no Benefit system, people who lost their jobs or not yet found a job or works hard to earn a living; they somehow still get their Rizk and sometimes the Rizk comes through sources you do not expect. The difference is that people work harder to attain their rizk, to fulfil their responsibility to their families.

Since I've been here and going through all the challenges I went through; the concept of Rizk, Tawakkal, Sabr have all become very real to me; it's no longer theoretical. You need to hold on to these things in order to survive. It is like being trapped on a sailboat in the middle of a thunderstorm; you really have no choice, you have to put your Trust in Allah.

The other day I was at work and it was 2 more minutes to home-time. I could hear the sound of thunder in a distance. I thought to myself...if I don't leave now I'm going to be caught in a thunderstorm. So, I grab my things and got in the car. The wind was strong but there was no rain yet. I drove at maximum speed limit. Then suddenly as I got closer to the city-centre, I could see the lightning. It came from the heavens and struck the ground, one after another. As I got even closer to the centre of KL, the lightning was almost within my reach. The sound of the lightning strike was enough to put fear into my heart. I couldn't do anything else apart from reciting Qur'an and just trying to keep my hands on the steering wheel. You know sometimes you watch the documentary of people who actually chase storms. They will be talking about the storm and how great it is, with their windscreen wipers full blast and a tornado right next to their 4X4. I always thought those people were mad and here I was inside the eye of the storm itself (but not by choice). Lightning was striking from my front, my back and the side of the car. Suddenly all the other cars were behaving themselves, 2-second rule was observed and nobody tried to cut anyone up and they had their signals on. "One good thing about rain in Malaysia" I thought. The rain fell down like someone had just switched on the shower tap; it was terrential! I could barely see outside the windscreen and we were crawling our way in the rain at 10km/hr.

It made me think about life. We go through life and sometimes we will be trapped in a thunderstorm. You can't stop (cause the cars behind you will start beeping), you can't escape and all you have to do is to just wade yourself through it until the thunderstorm ends with a lot of Faith and Tawakkal in Allah.

It made me think about how close I am to Allah; to His Creation of something great and terribly powerful. Yet, who is more powerful? The lightning or the One who made the lightning. thunderstorms and lightning seems to be a daily occurence here at the moment but it never fails to make me feel awed by the magnificent power of God's Creation.

Why did I return after 17 years?

This is a common question that I get from my friends. It is a very difficult question to answer in such a short space of time. Sometimes I think I need to write a thesis about it.

Everyone lives their lives according to what they see as important at the time for e.g. you may find a woman who started off in her younger days viewing her career as the most important thing. She strives so hard to get to where she wanted to be e.g. CEO or Manager or whatever; Sometimes when she gets to where she wanted to be, she may start to evaluate her life and to some women they realized that wasn't the thing that gave them satisfaction and they start to value family life instead. This is just an example and it is purely to express how we human beings will value somethings and work towards achieving that.

For a long time I valued my life in the UK but things change, situation changes and people change and views about what is important in life changes. Of course everyone knows that the situation in UK has changed over the last 17 years that I lived there. The once very tolerant society is now plagued by 'climate of fear' created by government and media, there is 'islamaphobia' but there is also a shift in other things like the way health care is viewed and the NHS which affected me directly. There is a change in youth culture and of course, the latest is change in economic stability.

Things change sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse...and for me, it felt that things were changing for the worse. Besides, my own personal life was changing as the kids were getting older. We all know the recent report published that Britain was the worst place to bring up children compared to other countries and Australia being one of the best. You all read that right? I would agree with that report.

Anyway, I was finding that certain things were becoming more and more important to me and that was my FAMILY. Being away from my parents, knowing that they were getting older everyday, knowing that potentially I could lose them (who knows? Ajal is from Allah). I had a real urge to return and spend whatever time Allah swt granted me with my parents.

Secondly, I wanted my children to grow up with certain moral principles and not with individualism and Capitalism. I could not bear to think that they would one day turn around and tell me "I am free to do whatever I want to do." I mean, we all know that is a farce, no body is free to do whatever they want, we are all bounded by some rules or regulations; if we do not believe in the Rule of God then, we are potentially ruled by other people who make the Laws in Parliament. The worse thing about man-made laws is that they enforce it on others but never on themselves (as demonstrated by the recent MPs scandal in Westminster).

Besides, I did not agree with this whole mentality that we should allow children to express themselves freely and if we allow them to do whatever they want, they will somehow turn out good. I don't see the logic in that. I have to admit (and some may disagree with me) that I much prefer the education system in Malaysia. I wouldn't say it is 'perfect' but I was chuffed when my daughter brought back her sivik textbook and the first lesson was on 'self-discipline'.

Anyway, I do think children should be allowed to question and to appease any misunderstandings or doubts they have. However, I think the education system in the UK promotes too much questioning but without real substance.

I know I'm rambling on about something that many will think 'what is she on about???' but in short; I returned home to be with my family, my parents, my siblings and all my extended family members...and secondly, to bring up my children in a different way.

Now I truly feel like I'm living here...

To truly feel like you live somewhere is when you're working there. So, yesterday I was a tourist but today, I was truly a resident or what you call 'Bermastautin'. I have to say that the people here are very helpful and very generous with their effort and their time.

I am very fortunate Alhamdulillah to work in a fairly new Medical faculty. The people are enthusiastic and we have recently been relocated to our new high-tech Medical campus with a brand-new outpatients department next door. It is all new and exciting. On my first day, we have paper-work to sort out as usual and I was then taken around various sites to familiarise myself with the place and people.

I am so glad that I started work half way through the week. That means I have a gentle 2-day introduction to everything. There's so much information to absorb including all the different clinics to attend in various different locations but Alhamdulillah I'm glad that I'm quick at learning routes and of course thanks to googlemaps and the kindness of others to show me around.

Then, there's so much reading to do. I need to familiarize myself with KKM guidelines rather than DOH guidelines. Unlike law, Medicine is fairly standardise all over the world but there's always some subtle differences. I mean my colleague was giving a tutorial to students on 'sore throat' and although I've managed 100s possible 1000s of sore throats but teaching is slightly different from routine practical general practice. Teaching requires a lot of knowledge based facts whereas practical management requires more weighing up facts and making the best judgements. So, I had a lot to think about and personal reading to do. Besides, in the UK we are taught to broaden our thinking and exercise more lateral thinking but the focus is not so much on in-depth knowledge. However, I am no longer just a clinician but I am also an academician. So, this requires in-depth and lateral thinking...sort out what we call 'enlightened thinking'; to know things in detail but to make judgements based on the comprehensive study of reality, possibly not just on that subject but to be able to link it to other matters...like the patient's lifestyle, environment, work, family, home, school etc...

Then, I had an hour long session on computer training. The great thing about Msians is that they are very helpful. They really take time to sit down and teach you things and to make sure that you are comfortable with the system. After that session, I really felt like I knew the computer system inside out although I'm sure I'd still suffer from teething problems.

So, I spent the rest of the afternoon downloading and reading guidelines.

From where I started a few months ago, I never thought I would end up here and I am so grateful to Allah swt for His Mercy and Guidance. There were times when things got very hard, there were times I felt like giving up and going back to my comfort zone but it is always darkest before the dawn and after all that I went through, I truly believe that the weapon of the believer is patience and perseverence.

Allah swt says in Surah Baqarah:45 "And seek help in patience and salaah and truly it is extremely heavy (hard) except for the Khashiun (the true believers)."

May He make us one of the Khashiun.

Trip to KLCC

Half term school holiday and kids have been at home for the last 3 days. We decided to take them for a trip. For many tourist, KLCC Twin Towers is one of the main attractions in KL. In our previous trips to KL, going to KLCC was at the top of our 'to do' list. In our previous visits, we went to KLCC several times, to visit PetroSains or simply for sight-seeing but when you virtually live next to KLCC, you start to see it with a different perspective.

It is like when we were living in the UK. We barely visited the 'tourist' spots. We only went to Marble Arch, Buckingham Palace or Hyde Park because we happened to be there. It's like on our way to Regent's mosque for a talk or on our way to a March or when I had to renew my passport and Buckingham Palace was just round the corner. It's like the buildings is just part of the scenery, part of life but not the main attraction itself. I mean KLCC is primarily a shopping mall but it's got other attractions like PetroSains (like an educational science fair for kids) and the Aquarium. The PetroSains is interesting for the kids. They can play with the exhibits and entrance fee is reasonable.

I wonder if that is how it is like for people who live near the beach like the fisherman and his family. The children playing by the beach everyday, that is just part of their everyday life. It is not a 'holiday' or 'main attraction'. Or for those people who actually live near the Kaabah...like performing Umrah is a weekly activity.

Anyway, the kids were very excited to go on the LRT (something like an over-ground tube). In fact, the LRT ride itself was sufficient for them. We stopped at KLCC. Hubby wanted to go up to the twin tower bridge but unfortunately, there's limited ticket and you have to queue up at 8am to get one. So, we decided to just have a peek at the towers from ground level, we had A&W and ice-cream...hmmm...soursop flavour and bubble-gum. It was interesting. Then, we caught the LRT home.

That was the highlight of our holiday and of course, balik kampung...(the best thing about living in Malaysia)

Applying for a Medical job in Malaysia

I am going to try and make this short and sweet simply for the benefit of anyone out there planning to come back to Malaysia.

The first thing to do is to apply for registration with MMC (Malaysian Medical Council) so, please refer to my earlier blog. They will give you a letter confirming your full registration (if you qualify) then;

Applying to Kementerian Kesihatan at Putrajaya
Take the letter from MMC and you must fill in 'borang maklumat diri'; KKM is responsible for posting. They decide which hospital or clinic you will work in. They give you 3 choices in the form i.e to choose for your hospital. Once you've filled in the form, hand it in to the person in charge.

You then go to SPA (suruhanjaya perkhidmatan awam) and they do the perlantikan - you can fill in the form online, they will call you for interview within 2-3 weeks and will then give you an offer letter. You will then be contacted by KKM for induction. The process from start to finish is around 2-3 months.

All doctors returning from overseas starts at Gred UD41 (salary around RM3000 - RM4000); For that reason alone, I believe many Malaysian doctors do not want to come back. If you are a specialist, you need to apply to KKM bahagian pakar so, please contact them first.

Applying to University
There are a few new Medical Faculties such as at UiTM, USIM, IIU Medical Faculty and other places. UM and UKM are very much established. Hospital UM is in Petaling Jaya, and HUKM is in Bangi. UPM has its own hospital Putra near Serdang. USIM is in Nilai but its medical faculti is in KL and attached to Hospital Ampang, IIU is in Gombak and UiTM is in Selayang and attached to hospital Sungai Buluh.

Get in touch with someone at the Faculti you're intending to work in e.g. Family Medicine, Emergency Medicine etc...try to make an appointment to see them, hand in your application form with documentations; Each University have their own application forms so, if you're applying to various Universities be prepared to fill in lots of forms and photocopy a lot of your documents. you will be called for an interview. Interviews are conducted every 6-8 weeks.

Once the Medical Faculty have made a decision, they will need to apply to the University itself for their agreement so, this is a very tedious process that can take up to 2-3 months. Even after your application is successful, it takes another few weeks or sometimes a month before you will get your offer letter because it has to be signed by Pendaftar so...YOU MUST HAVE SABR AND TAWAKKAL...

Applying to private
If you are over 45 you are exempted from compulsory service, you can apply to any private hospital, private clinic or private universities; approach the hospital and speak to the person in charge or consultant. They will call you for interview, have their board meeting and offer you a job. Remember to negotiate your salary before hand. The process can still take between 2-3 months depending on how efficient things are.

So, there you go...I think my blog is now complete. I hope that it has been helpful and from now on...I'll just write my thoughts or other experiences from time to time. Those intending to come back, I hope I haven't scared you off and hope that maybe I've inspired you a little...

The hardest time of my life ever....

I think I've touched on every aspect of my life here in Malaysia so far...but there's one part that I haven't talked about at all; looking for a job.

I must say of all the things I've had to do, go through and struggle past; the job thing is the hardest thing of all. The reason is because as humans, we are most worried about our Rizk, it is because from the money we make we get to buy food, find shelter, clothe ourselves and day-to-day living expenses. It is one of the biggest worries of our life.

Before I go on to 'applying for a medical job in Malaysia' which is all about boring official stuff again that will only be relevant to some people and not others. I just wanted to say...waiting for an offer and not knowing where that offer is going to come from, whether it is going to come or not and when you're going to start earning again was the hardest, MOST difficult test for me. It was in essence the make or break of this whole "hijrah". Without a job, I will have to go back to the UK and everything will be lost...all the wonderful things I've experienced here will be gone in just one day. It was so hard to think about that and I prayed and prayed that Allah will not take this away from me.

It would be okay if you had financial security for the next 20 years or more but when you only have financial security for a few months...with the hope that you'll be starting work soon...you get what I mean? Even if it is for six months...you still need to start working. There is no such thing as 'job-seeker's allowance' here or social security or benefit; everyone has to work. In some ways it is good because that is how it should be, people should work for their living especially for men - they have a responsibility to do so and will be sinful if they don't.

At the same time, there is no safety net. I have heard stories of working men sleeping at the bus-stop (not because they are drunk!) but because they haven't got the money to go home after work. They've been out of work for a while and managed to find a job and for a month, they were sleeping at the bus stop and having showers at the mosque so that they could go to work everyday and get their first pay check. I can't help imagining how strong and determined these people are compared to people who have it easy their whole lives...living off benefit and the hard work of others.

All of these stories inspired me and made me feel humble and small...I've been to several interviews and was waiting and waiting for an offer. My advice is no matter what job you apply to in the Medical field, government or private...the process from start to finish takes at least 3 months so, you must be prepared mentally and financially. For some, it may even take longer and for others that I've come across, they gave up hope and went back to the UK or go to another country. You need true patience and tawakkal or at least I needed to have that within myself. I've never prayed so much in my life SubhanAllah!

During that time I just couldn't concentrate on anything else except to pray, read Qur'an and watch some silly TV program to take my mind off things, yeah...like Doctor who or Buffy. (Okay, don't laugh) but the idea of Vampires and Aliens was somehow comforting. Anyway, if you at any point in your move to Malaysia experience this feeling...just keep putting your Trust in Allah. The Syaitan will whisper all sorts of things to you like "why is this happening to me?", "if my istiharah dreams were good, why is this happening?" doubt will creep in...and every single evil thoughts will be thrown at you...but you must keep your Faith and Trust in Allah. All I can think of is how weak I was and how I have no knowledge of what is in front of me. I didn't know what is going to happen a week from now, a month or a year from now...but Allah knows...so, I just talked and talked to Him and tried to find my strength in Him.

In the end, Allah will give us what is good for us and if something is not good for us, no matter how much we want it we must redha (accept) but sometimes, we have accepted whatever Allah has decided for us and we are completely satisfied with it and then Allah gives us the thing that we really want. Alhamdulillah. Whatever it is, it is all a test...