I took the kids swimming today...
Then after a while my 8-year old son became moody
He didnt want to play with the others and he didnt want to share the floats
Normally I will get angry and sometimes just shout at him to behave but today I told him to sit by the side of the pool whilst I sorted out the others...
The other children continued to play and enjoy themselves so, I came back to sit with my son.
We sat side by side, he had his hands supporting his face and so I copied him...
He started laughing
I asked him "What's wrong baby?"
He said "I want to go back to England...I dont like it here."
I asked him why...
He said he feels different and sad...
I can't begin to express how I felt to hear him say that...no mother wants to hear that her child is sad
My first instinct is to protect him, to buy the tickets today and go back to UK immediately but the next challenge of being a parent is to be tough...to make decisions that no other person can make...
To tell the children that they can't have what they want.
To tell the person that you love with all your heart that you can't give them what they want or what they think they need...that you can't take them out of a situation that they feel is unbearable...because you love them.
The challenge doesn't end there...the next step is to explain to him the ways of the world...how the grass is always greener on the other side...that things don't remain still, people change, his friends have changed, England has changed and we can't just go back and expect to be the same and feel the same. How do you explain all that to an 8-year old when sometimes you may find it difficult to even convince yourself?
So, I just reminded him that this is our home now...we cannot go back. We still have one another and that is all that matters...
I used to wonder everyday if I have made the right decision to come back but now...I know I have. How do I convince my son that in the whole scheme of things, the bigger picture...this is better for us. As a child all he can think about is making friends, friendly teachers, fun learning methods at school...all the things he missed in the UK. He's not thinking about financial situation, government agenda, media propaganda against Islam and issues that even some adults do not care to bother...
I just hope that he will understand one day and that he will not blame me for it. He will understand that parents have to make the decision based on what we think is right at the time...based on the limited knowledge and understanding that we have as human beings.... we cannot see the future... we do not know what is around the corner...but we have to decide anyway what is best for now and hope that the future will be as we pray it will be.
Luckily...Alhamdulillah children are resilient...half an hour later he was playing, laughing and going out with his friends to play...
Saturday 30 July 2011
Thursday 14 July 2011
Dealing with anger: part 3
If you don't know what I'm talking about then, please refer to Part 2, thank you...
At the first stage of anger which is the triggering state, we need to be aware of our feelings...if we are sensing anger then, this is a good stage to manage ourselves before the anger escalates.
In a narration by Abu Hurayrah r.a. a man came to the Prophet SAW and said "advise me" and the Prophet SAW said "Do not be angry". The man asked the question again and again and each time the Prophet SAW said "Do not become angry or furious"
So, before we become angry the best thing to do is NOT TO GET ANGRY, if possible...
At this phase, we can choose various calming down methods and it also depends on what situation we're in e.g.
example 1
If you are having a discussion with a person and it is getting more heated, you might start to detect symptoms of anger in yourself. Try to remain calm and think clearly about what you would like to do next, either to stop the conversation, change to a lighter subject or continue but without getting agitated. Remember that a discussion based on emotions will not be productive.
example 2
If a disagreement with a spouse is getting slightly emotional and you're sensing the signs and symptoms of anger. You could say something like "Can we discuss this a bit later?" or leave the room or go to the toilet and lock the door or as what I do sometimes...say "I think I need to pray now." Remembrance of Allah is always a good way of calming down and gives you time to clear your mind.
example 3
When you feel your children are starting to annoy you or make you angry....you could give them a warning such as "I am starting to feel angry now by your behaviour, please leave the room and I will talk to you later."
Escalating phase...
If you are already in the escalating phase then, remember your anger can either escalate into a crisis phase or you can still calm yourself down...
Find your own techniques of bringing down your anger...choose a particular hadith or ayat of the Qur'an that is easy to remember so that you can pluck it up quickly from your mind. It can even be just one word such as 'Jannah' or maybe even 'Jahannam' whichever works for you.
The Prophet SAW says "When one of you becomes angry, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good otherwise he should lie down."
This is a great advice mashaAllah because it is difficult to remain angry when one is seated and even more difficult when lying down. It will certainly prevent the person from doing physical actions that might escalate to assault.
There are many other methods out there to control and manage anger at this stage...it is up to you to find a method that works for you as long as it is within the realms of Shariah.
However, what happens if you have reached the crisis phase...and the anger can no longer be controlled? Well, this is the tricky part. The only thing that can be done at this stage is for you to stay away from the people or the people to stay away from you. At this stage, do not make any hasty decisions and at the back of your mind, remember that you are at a heightened state of arousal...all your thoughts, ideas and feelings may not truly reflect what you would feel during normal times. So, let these thoughts, ideas and feelings pass...but do not make any decisions or take any destructive actions. Still try to sit or lie down if possible.
If you find that you have reached this stage when you are trying to deal with the children. It is good to discuss with your spouse before hand so that the two of you can detect each other's anger and for one spouse to 'salvage' the situation by taking over the handling of the children while you 'cool off'.
Once you have calmed down...and going through the recovery phase then, try and think positive rather than reminiscing the event that trigger your anger. You are still within danger zone and your anger might flare up. Go and do something else...e.g. go for a walk or watch TV...
Wait until you are truly calm and that you are thinking clearly again before you start to reflect on what happened and how you can deal with the situation in a productive way.
Remember this hadith of the Prophet SAW
"The strong is not the one who over comes people by his strength but the strong is the one who controls himself whilst in anger."
At the first stage of anger which is the triggering state, we need to be aware of our feelings...if we are sensing anger then, this is a good stage to manage ourselves before the anger escalates.
In a narration by Abu Hurayrah r.a. a man came to the Prophet SAW and said "advise me" and the Prophet SAW said "Do not be angry". The man asked the question again and again and each time the Prophet SAW said "Do not become angry or furious"
So, before we become angry the best thing to do is NOT TO GET ANGRY, if possible...
At this phase, we can choose various calming down methods and it also depends on what situation we're in e.g.
example 1
If you are having a discussion with a person and it is getting more heated, you might start to detect symptoms of anger in yourself. Try to remain calm and think clearly about what you would like to do next, either to stop the conversation, change to a lighter subject or continue but without getting agitated. Remember that a discussion based on emotions will not be productive.
example 2
If a disagreement with a spouse is getting slightly emotional and you're sensing the signs and symptoms of anger. You could say something like "Can we discuss this a bit later?" or leave the room or go to the toilet and lock the door or as what I do sometimes...say "I think I need to pray now." Remembrance of Allah is always a good way of calming down and gives you time to clear your mind.
example 3
When you feel your children are starting to annoy you or make you angry....you could give them a warning such as "I am starting to feel angry now by your behaviour, please leave the room and I will talk to you later."
Escalating phase...
If you are already in the escalating phase then, remember your anger can either escalate into a crisis phase or you can still calm yourself down...
Find your own techniques of bringing down your anger...choose a particular hadith or ayat of the Qur'an that is easy to remember so that you can pluck it up quickly from your mind. It can even be just one word such as 'Jannah' or maybe even 'Jahannam' whichever works for you.
The Prophet SAW says "When one of you becomes angry, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good otherwise he should lie down."
This is a great advice mashaAllah because it is difficult to remain angry when one is seated and even more difficult when lying down. It will certainly prevent the person from doing physical actions that might escalate to assault.
There are many other methods out there to control and manage anger at this stage...it is up to you to find a method that works for you as long as it is within the realms of Shariah.
However, what happens if you have reached the crisis phase...and the anger can no longer be controlled? Well, this is the tricky part. The only thing that can be done at this stage is for you to stay away from the people or the people to stay away from you. At this stage, do not make any hasty decisions and at the back of your mind, remember that you are at a heightened state of arousal...all your thoughts, ideas and feelings may not truly reflect what you would feel during normal times. So, let these thoughts, ideas and feelings pass...but do not make any decisions or take any destructive actions. Still try to sit or lie down if possible.
If you find that you have reached this stage when you are trying to deal with the children. It is good to discuss with your spouse before hand so that the two of you can detect each other's anger and for one spouse to 'salvage' the situation by taking over the handling of the children while you 'cool off'.
Once you have calmed down...and going through the recovery phase then, try and think positive rather than reminiscing the event that trigger your anger. You are still within danger zone and your anger might flare up. Go and do something else...e.g. go for a walk or watch TV...
Wait until you are truly calm and that you are thinking clearly again before you start to reflect on what happened and how you can deal with the situation in a productive way.
Remember this hadith of the Prophet SAW
"The strong is not the one who over comes people by his strength but the strong is the one who controls himself whilst in anger."
Dealing with anger: part 2
"The best of you are those who are slow to anger and swift to cool down...beware of anger for it is a live coal on the heart of the descendant of Adam."
Hadith Prophet Muhammad SAW, riwayat at Tirmidhi
Have you identified yet the trigger factors that makes you angry or 'lose your temper'?
Anger is an emotion and like any emotion, we cannot touch, see, smell or hear but it is something that we can definitely feel...
The feeling of anger can however trigger some physiological responses in the body. We will detect the changes in our breathing, it may become more rapid and shallow...we may detect that our heart beats faster...we may become sweaty, shaking, hot flushes...our muscles tense up and we may grit out teeth...our tone of voice may become higher and we might feel a lump in our throat...all of these are signs and symptoms of anger.
It is important to recognise when we are angry in order to prepare ourselves to deal with our anger. When anger strikes, our judgment gets clouded and we might find it difficult to think clearly. Our perception of the situation may become exaggerated and often phrases such as..."always" or "never" will appear in our speech such as "You never listen to me!" or "You are always doing this!". Our ideas may become rigid and we lose the ability to discuss objectively.
Breakwell (1997) describes the 'anger - assault' cycle.
Anger does not necessarily lead to violence or assault however, the threshold of an act of assault is lowered when a person is angry.
Breakwell describes a 5 - stage process
A. The trigger phase - where a trigger factor setting off the anger
B. Escalation phase - the anger level starts to ascend - at this point, the person can still control his anger and the anger can either escalate or dissipates.
C. Critical phase - once the anger has reached this phase, it is difficult to use any calming method
D. Recovery phase - the anger starts to cool down, at this phase the anger might be re-triggered so, be careful
E. Post crisis phase - the ability to think clearly returns and the person is almost back to normal.
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Understanding the the signs and symptoms of anger and the different phases of anger will help us to detect anger when it manifest within us and will prepare us for what to do next
Hadith Prophet Muhammad SAW, riwayat at Tirmidhi
Have you identified yet the trigger factors that makes you angry or 'lose your temper'?
Anger is an emotion and like any emotion, we cannot touch, see, smell or hear but it is something that we can definitely feel...
The feeling of anger can however trigger some physiological responses in the body. We will detect the changes in our breathing, it may become more rapid and shallow...we may detect that our heart beats faster...we may become sweaty, shaking, hot flushes...our muscles tense up and we may grit out teeth...our tone of voice may become higher and we might feel a lump in our throat...all of these are signs and symptoms of anger.
It is important to recognise when we are angry in order to prepare ourselves to deal with our anger. When anger strikes, our judgment gets clouded and we might find it difficult to think clearly. Our perception of the situation may become exaggerated and often phrases such as..."always" or "never" will appear in our speech such as "You never listen to me!" or "You are always doing this!". Our ideas may become rigid and we lose the ability to discuss objectively.
Breakwell (1997) describes the 'anger - assault' cycle.
Anger does not necessarily lead to violence or assault however, the threshold of an act of assault is lowered when a person is angry.
Breakwell describes a 5 - stage process
A. The trigger phase - where a trigger factor setting off the anger
B. Escalation phase - the anger level starts to ascend - at this point, the person can still control his anger and the anger can either escalate or dissipates.
C. Critical phase - once the anger has reached this phase, it is difficult to use any calming method
D. Recovery phase - the anger starts to cool down, at this phase the anger might be re-triggered so, be careful
E. Post crisis phase - the ability to think clearly returns and the person is almost back to normal.
Wednesday 13 July 2011
Dealing with anger Part 1
"A strong man is not a good wrestler but a strong man is the person who controls himself at the time of anger"
Prophet Muhammad (saw) in saheeh Bukhari
Faupel, Herrick and Sharp (1998) argues that anger is a secondary emotion arising from another emotion such as fear. Most of us get angry from time to time, some get angry more often than others, some people are known as 'bad tempered', becoming angry easily whilst others are 'mild tempered', they don't express anger often.
Whatever the case, anger is a human emotion. It may arise from other feelings such as disappointment, pain, fear, jealousy or it maybe a manifestation of a physical triggering factor such as when a person is tired, stressed, preoccupied or anxious.
The first step in controlling anger is self - reflection
The first step in controlling anger is to reflect on ourselves. In Arabic, self reflection is known as 'Muhasabah'. Knowing what makes us angry, the situations that might trigger our anger is an important step in avoiding and managing anger. Take a bit of time to reflect on yourself. Think about the times when you have 'lost your temper' and think of the reasons why you lost it. What was the situation that triggered your anger? What was your state of mind at the time? Would that particular issue trigger your anger if you were in a different state of mind, e.g. if you were not tired or preoccupied?
For e.g. I am a mother of 4 and often when I'm tired my level of tolerance is lowered and the likelihood of me getting angry for small minor issues are raised.
We will talk about how to deal with anger later...but the first step is recognising our weaknesses and situations that can trigger anger within us.
For e.g. My sensitive issue is Islam and the Ummah. When I am faced with criticism of the Ummah , I will start feeling the changes in my body's physiological response, the rapid breathing, the increase in pulse, shakiness, lump in the throat, raised and pressured speech...all symptoms of anger. That is when my speech may become harsh or strong, and sarcasm becomes apparent.
Again, we will talk about how to deal with this later...
Hence, we can actually detect the physiological changes in ourselves due to anger...
So, exercise one is to do self reflection or 'muhasabah' and get to know ourselves...
Happy reflecting!
Contents:
- recognising anger and its stages
- anger management
- dealing with those who are angry
- when to seek help
Prophet Muhammad (saw) in saheeh Bukhari
Faupel, Herrick and Sharp (1998) argues that anger is a secondary emotion arising from another emotion such as fear. Most of us get angry from time to time, some get angry more often than others, some people are known as 'bad tempered', becoming angry easily whilst others are 'mild tempered', they don't express anger often.
Whatever the case, anger is a human emotion. It may arise from other feelings such as disappointment, pain, fear, jealousy or it maybe a manifestation of a physical triggering factor such as when a person is tired, stressed, preoccupied or anxious.
The first step in controlling anger is self - reflection
The first step in controlling anger is to reflect on ourselves. In Arabic, self reflection is known as 'Muhasabah'. Knowing what makes us angry, the situations that might trigger our anger is an important step in avoiding and managing anger. Take a bit of time to reflect on yourself. Think about the times when you have 'lost your temper' and think of the reasons why you lost it. What was the situation that triggered your anger? What was your state of mind at the time? Would that particular issue trigger your anger if you were in a different state of mind, e.g. if you were not tired or preoccupied?
For e.g. I am a mother of 4 and often when I'm tired my level of tolerance is lowered and the likelihood of me getting angry for small minor issues are raised.
We will talk about how to deal with anger later...but the first step is recognising our weaknesses and situations that can trigger anger within us.
For e.g. My sensitive issue is Islam and the Ummah. When I am faced with criticism of the Ummah , I will start feeling the changes in my body's physiological response, the rapid breathing, the increase in pulse, shakiness, lump in the throat, raised and pressured speech...all symptoms of anger. That is when my speech may become harsh or strong, and sarcasm becomes apparent.
Again, we will talk about how to deal with this later...
Hence, we can actually detect the physiological changes in ourselves due to anger...
So, exercise one is to do self reflection or 'muhasabah' and get to know ourselves...
Happy reflecting!
Contents:
- recognising anger and its stages
- anger management
- dealing with those who are angry
- when to seek help
Tuesday 12 July 2011
A dedication to those struggling in this path of adapting to change
This is dedicated to my friends who maybe going through the different stages of struggle in this relocation process…in dealing with changes to their environment, weather, people, mentality, culture, language and even accent, all of which can have a profound effect on a human being, mentally and emotionally. I’m no expert but in the last year and a half, I’ve struggled through this process in my life…it can only be described as embarking on an obstacle course involving mountain climbing, swimming across a turbulent ocean and getting lost and found in a jungle.
The first few weeks I would describe it as ‘honeymoon’ period. Everything was new and exciting especially being surrounded by a loving and welcoming family. All my senses were accentuated, just looking at a banana tree at the back garden amazed me or seeing an eagle flying in the skies above…everything was simply amazing. The reasons why I left my life in London are still fresh in my mind and I was in a state of euphoria to have finally escaped into a different world.
After a while, practicalities started to kick in and with practicalities come bureaucracy and problems. Applying for jobs, the children school, visa, moving house etc…etc… This is when reality hits! This is when I felt like I was climbing up a mountain and was never reaching the top. Everything was getting on top of me and I was tired, stressed and disillusioned by the system, the people’s mentality and the whole society. I started to compare the past and the present, pros and cons, good and bad and started to wonder, if life was really as bad as I thought it was. Was life in London worse than what I am facing today? Doubt started to creep in and of course, the whisperings of Syaitan is always so near and it amplified my feelings of regret, disappointment and fear.
In my mind, I went through an internal struggle. Should I stay or should I go? I started doubting my own decisions and wonder if it would be easier to just pack up and leave, to continue life from where we left off?
By that time, I have started working and my kids have started going to school. I was feeling pressured to assimilate into the general population, to adopt the culture of the people and to ‘blend’ into the new environment. However, I was finding myself resisting to the change, resisting to being ‘assimilated’. I didn’t want to be like everyone else just for the sake of it. I started to question myself, why do I need to fit in? Why do I need to conform to the rest of society? Do I even agree with the rest of society? I felt myself swimming in a vast ocean, being swept by currents and torrents as I struggle to maintain my head above water.
I considered what others might think of me. I tried not to express too much dissatisfaction to them and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or make them defensive. After all, this is my struggle not theirs. At the same time, I was getting uncomfortable…people used to stare at us when we went out, they would look at my kids when they speak because of their British accent. It made me uncomfortable and that was a struggle too. A struggle to not be uncomfortable but to be accepted as being slightly different, that speaking in English does not make us bad Muslims for example and to retain a British accent does not equate to being cocky or pretentious.
I started to recognize the same struggles in my children as they attempted to fit into a new schooling environment, a different learning culture, mentality and language. It made me feel guilty that I had dragged them half way round the world and for what purpose? I doubted whether I had made the right decision for them. I started to wonder that even if it wasn’t for my own sake, maybe we should move back for their sake.
At this point in my relocation process, I needed to make a choice. I had to look back to the reasons that led me here. Why did I move? What did I want to achieve? What have I achieved so far? And what would I achieve if I went back? I needed to take a step back and observed my life objectively; from a bird’s eye view, as a spectator rather than the actor. I looked at the pros and cons, the good and bad, comparing my ‘new’ life to the ‘old’ one. Keeping up with the news back in London helped me realize and remember the problems that led me here. It also helped me to realize that the life I left behind had also moved on…going back will not be as easy as returning from a holiday. It would again be another re-location for me and my family. I started to look around me again and appreciated the things I have, the people I’ve gotten to know and the little things in life that makes me happy. When we first moved here, I told my kids that “it doesn’t matter where we are as long as we have each other. We could be in the Sahara desert and we can still be happy because we are together, as long as we have Allah SWT.” I still believe in that.
I needed to make an informed and pro-active decision if I wished to adopt completely the culture of my new home, such as the concept of ‘live with the Romans, act as the Romans’ or if I wanted to hold on to my own identity and potentially influencing others to understand my viewpoints as well as to change some of my deficiencies and adopting good aspects from my new environment.
I am so fortunate Alhamdulillah that I have such a strong network of support from my family and have made great new friends as well as holding on to good old friends.
I have come to the stage where I have found my place within this society. I have so far managed to retain some aspects of myself from my previous home as well as adapt and incorporate some of the positive aspects of this new culture. It is still a struggle for me and from time to time I still get that occasional spat of spontaneous idea to pack up and leave but that thought is getting far less in between. I call this current stage…the stage of acceptance and adaptation.
The journey is not over yet but for the benefit of my friends who are struggling with me (you know who you are), I believe perseverance is the key…
Surah Al Baqarah: 153 “O you who believe, seek help through perseverance and Salat; for Allah is with the persevering ones.”
Monday 11 July 2011
Are women really more emotional?
I am often skeptical with the perception that 'women are emotional'
Where is the evidence? Either textually or observation or argumentation no one has been able to convince me that women are created more emotional than men.
Besides, what is emotional? What is emotion? As Maher Zain sings..."what about anger, love and pain, can you touch them with your hands so are they really there?"
Surely we can feel emotion but can we quantify it, can we judge it? Emotions are the feelings that we feel and there are various strands of feelings such as love, anger, pain, disappointment, happiness, sadness, jealousy and much more...
So, if emotions are feelings but where do they come from? Does it come from the brain, the heart, the lungs, the liver or the kidney? Are they simply carried by hormones, neurotransmitters or electrical impulses?
The Prophet SAW says that """Every child is born in a state of Fitrah"
If we study a baby of either gender...the baby is pure with no concepts but the baby has needs such as the need to eat, the baby feels hunger. As the baby grows, he or she will start to explore the world out of curiosity to attempt to reach out to objects...at this point there is no distinction between a boy or girl baby. They both laugh, they both cry.
So, what we can observe is that human beings are born with instincts. The instinct to survive (gharizatul al baqa'), the instinct to worship (gharizatul at-tadayyun) and the instinct to procreate (gharizatul al nau') and it is from these instincts that emotions manifest itself. In other words, emotions are a manifestation of the instincts.
When someone comes to attack you, you may feel scared or angry. When you look at a beautiful scenary, you may feel aweness towards the Creator. Hence, emotions are simply the manifestation of instincts and instincts are present in both men and women. One cannot claim that only women have instinct whilst men do not.
So, men and women can 'feel'. So, when two men argue and they feel angry and they start to fight one another...is that not emotional?
Maybe through observation, one might think that women expresses emotions better than men but does that make them more emotional?
Perhaps, we can argue that women are more 'irrationally' emotional than men e.g.
Husband comes home after a long stressful day at work, he just wants to put his feet up and watch TV. He is not his cheerful self. Wife senses this and start asking "is everything ok?"
Husband: "yeah..everything's fine" (he just wants to forget about work and relax)
wife: (there's something wrong...why doesn't he share his problem with me?) Wife says "can you tell me what is wrong?"
Husband: "No, nothing's wrong" (well, nothing is wrong now. I'm back and home and I want to watch TV)
wife: (He doesn't want to share his problems with me...he doesn't love me)
So, is this a typical situation of men versus women? Maybe! but can we conclude from this that the women is more emotional than men? or the fact that she has not understood the reality of work, feel empathy towards his situation and take a pragmatic approach that if he wants to talk, he will talk. It would not be a problem if she just says "okay, well if you need to talk, you know I'm here" and then get on with whatever she's doing.
So, are women more emotional? or maybe less pragmatic?
And if the women are less pragmatic, is that innate or is it due to upbringing? This nature versus nurture argument. Men are generally brought up to have more responsibilities such as financial, as a protector, a leader. Pragmatism is a quality required in fulfilling these roles. Leaders are trained to be able to handle their own emotions and others, they need to think about problems and solutions so, is it possible that boys are taught to express emotions differently through what is expected of them and their responsibilities?
I do not believe that Islam dictates women to be emotional rather if we look at the examples of the sahabiyyah we will find strong women with strong minds that became the backbone to great male leaders.
After the treaty of al Hudaibiyah, the companions of the Prophet SAW were disappointed and failed to follow his instructions to shave their heads and slaughter the animals as a symbol of their hajj. They were devastated that they could not perform the hajj on that particular year. The Prophet SAW confided in his wife, Safiyyah who advised him to carry on and shave this own head and sure enough, after noticing the actions of the Prophet SAW, his companions followed.
When Abdullah ibn Az Zubair fought a battle against al Hajjaj and things were getting intense. He lost a lot of his supporters due to their fear of Hajjaj. He knew that if he was to face Hajjaj on that day, he would be killed so, he sought the advice of his mother Asma' bint Abu Bakar. Her advice to him was:
"It's your affair, Abdullah and you know yourself better. If however, you think that you are right and that you are standing up for the Truth, then persevere and fight on as your companions who were killed under your flag had shown perseverance. If however you desire the world, what a miserable wretch you are. You would have destroyed yourself and you would have destroyed your men."
So, there is strength in women as well as strength in men. Both men and women have been created with instincts and able to express emotions. It is only how we choose to express our emotions, how we handle it and how much we allow our emotions to control our behavior.
I don't believe that women are more emotional than men and even if they seem to be, the only likelihood explanation is that it is due to conditioning and cultural expectations.
Where is the evidence? Either textually or observation or argumentation no one has been able to convince me that women are created more emotional than men.
Besides, what is emotional? What is emotion? As Maher Zain sings..."what about anger, love and pain, can you touch them with your hands so are they really there?"
Surely we can feel emotion but can we quantify it, can we judge it? Emotions are the feelings that we feel and there are various strands of feelings such as love, anger, pain, disappointment, happiness, sadness, jealousy and much more...
So, if emotions are feelings but where do they come from? Does it come from the brain, the heart, the lungs, the liver or the kidney? Are they simply carried by hormones, neurotransmitters or electrical impulses?
The Prophet SAW says that """Every child is born in a state of Fitrah"
If we study a baby of either gender...the baby is pure with no concepts but the baby has needs such as the need to eat, the baby feels hunger. As the baby grows, he or she will start to explore the world out of curiosity to attempt to reach out to objects...at this point there is no distinction between a boy or girl baby. They both laugh, they both cry.
So, what we can observe is that human beings are born with instincts. The instinct to survive (gharizatul al baqa'), the instinct to worship (gharizatul at-tadayyun) and the instinct to procreate (gharizatul al nau') and it is from these instincts that emotions manifest itself. In other words, emotions are a manifestation of the instincts.
When someone comes to attack you, you may feel scared or angry. When you look at a beautiful scenary, you may feel aweness towards the Creator. Hence, emotions are simply the manifestation of instincts and instincts are present in both men and women. One cannot claim that only women have instinct whilst men do not.
So, men and women can 'feel'. So, when two men argue and they feel angry and they start to fight one another...is that not emotional?
Maybe through observation, one might think that women expresses emotions better than men but does that make them more emotional?
Perhaps, we can argue that women are more 'irrationally' emotional than men e.g.
Husband comes home after a long stressful day at work, he just wants to put his feet up and watch TV. He is not his cheerful self. Wife senses this and start asking "is everything ok?"
Husband: "yeah..everything's fine" (he just wants to forget about work and relax)
wife: (there's something wrong...why doesn't he share his problem with me?) Wife says "can you tell me what is wrong?"
Husband: "No, nothing's wrong" (well, nothing is wrong now. I'm back and home and I want to watch TV)
wife: (He doesn't want to share his problems with me...he doesn't love me)
So, is this a typical situation of men versus women? Maybe! but can we conclude from this that the women is more emotional than men? or the fact that she has not understood the reality of work, feel empathy towards his situation and take a pragmatic approach that if he wants to talk, he will talk. It would not be a problem if she just says "okay, well if you need to talk, you know I'm here" and then get on with whatever she's doing.
So, are women more emotional? or maybe less pragmatic?
And if the women are less pragmatic, is that innate or is it due to upbringing? This nature versus nurture argument. Men are generally brought up to have more responsibilities such as financial, as a protector, a leader. Pragmatism is a quality required in fulfilling these roles. Leaders are trained to be able to handle their own emotions and others, they need to think about problems and solutions so, is it possible that boys are taught to express emotions differently through what is expected of them and their responsibilities?
I do not believe that Islam dictates women to be emotional rather if we look at the examples of the sahabiyyah we will find strong women with strong minds that became the backbone to great male leaders.
After the treaty of al Hudaibiyah, the companions of the Prophet SAW were disappointed and failed to follow his instructions to shave their heads and slaughter the animals as a symbol of their hajj. They were devastated that they could not perform the hajj on that particular year. The Prophet SAW confided in his wife, Safiyyah who advised him to carry on and shave this own head and sure enough, after noticing the actions of the Prophet SAW, his companions followed.
When Abdullah ibn Az Zubair fought a battle against al Hajjaj and things were getting intense. He lost a lot of his supporters due to their fear of Hajjaj. He knew that if he was to face Hajjaj on that day, he would be killed so, he sought the advice of his mother Asma' bint Abu Bakar. Her advice to him was:
"It's your affair, Abdullah and you know yourself better. If however, you think that you are right and that you are standing up for the Truth, then persevere and fight on as your companions who were killed under your flag had shown perseverance. If however you desire the world, what a miserable wretch you are. You would have destroyed yourself and you would have destroyed your men."
So, there is strength in women as well as strength in men. Both men and women have been created with instincts and able to express emotions. It is only how we choose to express our emotions, how we handle it and how much we allow our emotions to control our behavior.
I don't believe that women are more emotional than men and even if they seem to be, the only likelihood explanation is that it is due to conditioning and cultural expectations.
Saturday 9 July 2011
95% sure I'm staying here
I believe I am now about 95% sure that I'm staying here. This is our home now and good or bad, we'll have to fight our own battles. Read about the rise in British gas bills up to 200 pounds...yeah, I remember what it was like. When petrol prices were raised, there was a strike involving truckers causing chaos up to the French borders but a year later, petrol prices went higher than what it was.
That is the British Capitalist system where the rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer. Up to 90% of the nation's wealth is in the hands of 10% of the population. That was my exact query when we were having a lecture on Malaysia's Vision 2020...how can we implement a Capitalist system that from its basis is all about making profit and human problems and issues become secondary? How can such a system become fair and equitable?
Sometimes I wonder whether the people in the developing countries are even clear about the principles of the Capitalist economic system and if they do know about scarcity and unsatieable wants, do they even question these basic principles? Is scarcity true? Can we say that the resources of this world is finite when from our own Aqeedah, it is Allah SWT who provides for us? Can we say that a human being's wants are endless and so, we need to produce more stuff to fulfil the human wants? Even if we agree that the human being will always want more...as our Prophet SAW says as narrated by Anas "If the son of Adam had a valley full of gold, he would like to have two, for nothing fills his mouth except dust. And Allah forgives him who repents to Him.”
So, okay..human beings are never satisfied but does that mean the economic system should be designed to produce more and more to fulfil the desires of human beings. If a child wants ice-cream, should we design an ice-cream machine that will give him ice-cream 24 hours a day? or do we have an economic system that fulfils the basic needs of everyone, provide food, clothing and shelter and then allow the people to have luxurious items according to their means.
We need to know that not everything that originates from the West is good; and certainly, the Western economic system is a man-made system. Any man-made system is bound to have flaws, biasness and potentially oppressive.
That is the British Capitalist system where the rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer. Up to 90% of the nation's wealth is in the hands of 10% of the population. That was my exact query when we were having a lecture on Malaysia's Vision 2020...how can we implement a Capitalist system that from its basis is all about making profit and human problems and issues become secondary? How can such a system become fair and equitable?
Sometimes I wonder whether the people in the developing countries are even clear about the principles of the Capitalist economic system and if they do know about scarcity and unsatieable wants, do they even question these basic principles? Is scarcity true? Can we say that the resources of this world is finite when from our own Aqeedah, it is Allah SWT who provides for us? Can we say that a human being's wants are endless and so, we need to produce more stuff to fulfil the human wants? Even if we agree that the human being will always want more...as our Prophet SAW says as narrated by Anas "If the son of Adam had a valley full of gold, he would like to have two, for nothing fills his mouth except dust. And Allah forgives him who repents to Him.”
So, okay..human beings are never satisfied but does that mean the economic system should be designed to produce more and more to fulfil the desires of human beings. If a child wants ice-cream, should we design an ice-cream machine that will give him ice-cream 24 hours a day? or do we have an economic system that fulfils the basic needs of everyone, provide food, clothing and shelter and then allow the people to have luxurious items according to their means.
We need to know that not everything that originates from the West is good; and certainly, the Western economic system is a man-made system. Any man-made system is bound to have flaws, biasness and potentially oppressive.
Saturday 2 July 2011
Have patience and do not regret...
The thing I missed most about being stuck at Kampung Gajah is the ability to appreciate time. When I was there, I was counting the days. Now, being back into the 'real' world, life is simply a cycle of 24 hours with no clear day to day distinctions.
We don't plan our lives. We often take things for granted especially when we're young, we don't think about the consequences of our actions. We never think about the day to day processes or the system that governs us. We never think about how our little decisions will affect the rest of our lives or how the system defines our future.
We all have certain goals, things we want to achieve and many of these goals are short terms such as passing a particular exams, getting a particular job, getting married and yet, all these decisions are based on uncertainty and we can only make our decision based on what knowledge we have at the time.
This is the limitations of human beings. We can never foresee everything. We can never have the all encompassing knowledge of what is past, present and future that only Allah SWT, the Creator has. Even the present sometimes remain unclear but life has to move on and we need to make decisions daily, sometimes at a split second.
Alhamdulillah the Creator has given us a guidance, the Qur'an and He has given us the 'istiharah' and sometimes if we think that we have lost our way, we wonder "why this happened?" or "why did I make that decision?" or "why did this happen to me?" We have to go back to where we started and know that if we have made that decision based on Ahkam Shariah and that we have prayed the 'istiharah' then, we have to persevere and put our Tawakkal in Allah because we have not yet reached the end of the road and Allah knows what is in store for us and what is best.
Too often human beings are impatient, seeking for immediate gratification but we forget that patience and perseverance is the key to success in this world and the next. We need to focus on that clear goal right at the end which is further away from the immediate goals...the clear goal of Akhirah in order for us to see things clearly and set our little goals in this life. It is not easy but it is the only right way.
We don't plan our lives. We often take things for granted especially when we're young, we don't think about the consequences of our actions. We never think about the day to day processes or the system that governs us. We never think about how our little decisions will affect the rest of our lives or how the system defines our future.
We all have certain goals, things we want to achieve and many of these goals are short terms such as passing a particular exams, getting a particular job, getting married and yet, all these decisions are based on uncertainty and we can only make our decision based on what knowledge we have at the time.
This is the limitations of human beings. We can never foresee everything. We can never have the all encompassing knowledge of what is past, present and future that only Allah SWT, the Creator has. Even the present sometimes remain unclear but life has to move on and we need to make decisions daily, sometimes at a split second.
Alhamdulillah the Creator has given us a guidance, the Qur'an and He has given us the 'istiharah' and sometimes if we think that we have lost our way, we wonder "why this happened?" or "why did I make that decision?" or "why did this happen to me?" We have to go back to where we started and know that if we have made that decision based on Ahkam Shariah and that we have prayed the 'istiharah' then, we have to persevere and put our Tawakkal in Allah because we have not yet reached the end of the road and Allah knows what is in store for us and what is best.
Too often human beings are impatient, seeking for immediate gratification but we forget that patience and perseverance is the key to success in this world and the next. We need to focus on that clear goal right at the end which is further away from the immediate goals...the clear goal of Akhirah in order for us to see things clearly and set our little goals in this life. It is not easy but it is the only right way.
Friday 1 July 2011
How clear is 'clean'?
I need to say something about the 9th July march although I do not support 'clean 2.0' specifically. First, let me state my stance before anyone get the wrong idea.
I ONLY support the re-establishment of the Caliphate through non-violent means i.e.
1. Elevation of the thinking of people and to increase their understanding of Islam as a comprehensive system.
2. Exposing the plots and plans of the colonialist and their agents.
3. Nusrah - protection given for the re-establishment of the Caliphate by those with military power.
So, don't get the wrong idea about this entry. I'm just expressing my opinion and is meant for those like myself who are stuck in the middle of those who are for the 'clean 2.0' demonstration and those who are against. Most people (like myself) have no clear understanding of what this demonstration is for, what is the objective? This is partly because it is a collaboration by many different factions each with its own ideas and agenda. Each has something that they are dissatisfied about. To me, it seems that they just need an outlet to express their dissatisfaction. At the same time, we have wolves outside our home ready to blow the house down so, we need to be aware of those external factors who are ever so willing to 'interfere' and manipulate public sentiment as they attempted to do in the Egyptian demonstration.
However, I don't appreciate those who try to scaremonger the public, predicting all sorts of threat of violence and turmoil.
When I was living in the UK, I was a victim of the British government propaganda against Islam to the point that when I walk down the street, people eyed me with suspicion (so I was told). I was slightly oblivious to their stares and partly because when someone stare at me, I often wonder if they are one of my patients. However, the point is...Muslims in general are viewed with suspicion and I've heard cases where Muslim women in hijaab have been shouted at e.g. "Have you got a bomb under there?" or "Do you know where is Osama Bin Laden?"
So, I will not be coerced into a reactionary fear by any person(s) or party.
I believe it is important for the public to have a clear understanding of the facts and issues raised by any group. The people should be able to make their own decision of what is right and wrong based on two things:
1. the reality: the objectives, the facts, the issues and anything related has to be explained and understood.
2. the criteria of what is right and wrong, good and bad based on Ahkam Shariah.
It is a misconception to think that the public is too ignorant to understand fundamental issues. These are not exclusive to the intellectuals only. This is evident because a Bedouin in the desert can have a clear understanding of the existence of the Creator whilst there are professors who are atheist. Therefore, the understanding of reality and fundamental issues are not exclusive to those with Masters and PhD.
I'm tired of propaganda...to be expected to act and behave in a reactionary way based on scare mongering and hear say from the east or the west. If we want to be an elevated society with maturity in our thinking, we need to first understand what is the problem through studying it. We need to understanding the problems and issues and then, understand the proposed solution. However, that is still not good enough because solutions proposed by human beings are subjected to bias and sometimes lack of clear thinking. We need to refer the solutions back to the Creator (Ahkam Shariah).
I ONLY support the re-establishment of the Caliphate through non-violent means i.e.
1. Elevation of the thinking of people and to increase their understanding of Islam as a comprehensive system.
2. Exposing the plots and plans of the colonialist and their agents.
3. Nusrah - protection given for the re-establishment of the Caliphate by those with military power.
So, don't get the wrong idea about this entry. I'm just expressing my opinion and is meant for those like myself who are stuck in the middle of those who are for the 'clean 2.0' demonstration and those who are against. Most people (like myself) have no clear understanding of what this demonstration is for, what is the objective? This is partly because it is a collaboration by many different factions each with its own ideas and agenda. Each has something that they are dissatisfied about. To me, it seems that they just need an outlet to express their dissatisfaction. At the same time, we have wolves outside our home ready to blow the house down so, we need to be aware of those external factors who are ever so willing to 'interfere' and manipulate public sentiment as they attempted to do in the Egyptian demonstration.
However, I don't appreciate those who try to scaremonger the public, predicting all sorts of threat of violence and turmoil.
When I was living in the UK, I was a victim of the British government propaganda against Islam to the point that when I walk down the street, people eyed me with suspicion (so I was told). I was slightly oblivious to their stares and partly because when someone stare at me, I often wonder if they are one of my patients. However, the point is...Muslims in general are viewed with suspicion and I've heard cases where Muslim women in hijaab have been shouted at e.g. "Have you got a bomb under there?" or "Do you know where is Osama Bin Laden?"
So, I will not be coerced into a reactionary fear by any person(s) or party.
I believe it is important for the public to have a clear understanding of the facts and issues raised by any group. The people should be able to make their own decision of what is right and wrong based on two things:
1. the reality: the objectives, the facts, the issues and anything related has to be explained and understood.
2. the criteria of what is right and wrong, good and bad based on Ahkam Shariah.
It is a misconception to think that the public is too ignorant to understand fundamental issues. These are not exclusive to the intellectuals only. This is evident because a Bedouin in the desert can have a clear understanding of the existence of the Creator whilst there are professors who are atheist. Therefore, the understanding of reality and fundamental issues are not exclusive to those with Masters and PhD.
I'm tired of propaganda...to be expected to act and behave in a reactionary way based on scare mongering and hear say from the east or the west. If we want to be an elevated society with maturity in our thinking, we need to first understand what is the problem through studying it. We need to understanding the problems and issues and then, understand the proposed solution. However, that is still not good enough because solutions proposed by human beings are subjected to bias and sometimes lack of clear thinking. We need to refer the solutions back to the Creator (Ahkam Shariah).
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