Day 4 at Kg Gajah: Angry tears

I have come to a final conclusion that I am no longer living in civilization. It is uncivilized to allow a mother to leave her children for 11 consecutive days just to attend a course.To allow such a practice is unethical. They talk to us about ethics, morals and integrity...but there is no integrity in this. Right now, I just feel like getting on some sort of a vehicle, get home, buy the cheapest tickets and go back to UK. I don't even know why I'm here.

On top of that some woman was talking to us about charity and started giving a story about some delinquent kids and her conclusion was...these kids are bad because the parent(s) do not come to work on time and leave early. I mean how shallow is that? It is all about punching in and punching out, I mean what about productivity? what about staying up all night after the kids are all in bed to prepare for lectures, to write articles or to write research proposals.

They blame parents when something goes wrong with the kids, well...why don't they blame the stupid system that forces parents to be away from their kids? After this, if anyone tries to blame parents again in front of me, they would be lucky if they escape only with a few of my sarcastic remarks. I will not accept anymore of their accusations of parents chasing after careers, leaving the children with maids or not punching in at the 'right' time. It is not the fault of parents but it is the fault of this man-made Capitalist democratic system that puts profit and material gain above everything else and the mismatch system of non-ideological countries who have no clue what they're doing and why they are doing it.

In fact today, I got pretty mad but it was for a different reason. They were talking to us about allowances and so what, some people get allowances for this and some for this. Then, some participant behind me started to complain about why the police should get such and such allowances and saying stupid remarks like 'Oh! if that is the case, better to become a police'. So, I turned around and said "Despite these allowances, they really don't make much and we actually earn a lot more than them. So, why you making a fuss?" and then, I got pretty mad...and I said "This is our people, we have such rotten hearts (busuk hati), why can't we accept that other people have their rizk and we have ours, why do we have to feel short-changed".

I started to remember the lecture I gave to my post-graduate students recently about dealing with an angry patient and identifying the symptoms of anger. I recognized all of those symptoms in me, tachycardia, heavy breathing, raised voice, banging the table, becoming more sarcastic and even verbal cues.

I don't understand it. Why can't Muslims have Islamic personality? Why do they have to feel jealous over other people's good fortune? Why can't they be happy with the provision that Allah swt give to them? Why? Why? Why?

I am completely...completely...disillusioned by everything that I've seen so far within this 4 days. Islam has taught us to have an open heart, to love for our brothers what we love for ourselves, to not be jealous, to accept the decision of Allah and yet, why is this not reflected in our society? It is not just about individuals because there are individuals who do have good personalities but that is not enough...we should not be satisfied if we have it but other Muslims don't because we are one Ummah and whatever the Ummah is, it is also a reflection on us. It is not good enough to have one or two individuals who are aware, the whole society should be aware because the society is not just a bunch of individuals but they are linked with common ideas, feelings and values.

If the values, ideas and feelings of the people as a whole is un-Islamic then, it is reflected in the whole society and those values, ideas and feelings will be identified as predominant, as the main values, ideas and feelings. For example, if laziness is the predominant trait among a particular race or culture then, it makes no difference if a few individuals are hard-working and diligent but as a whole, that is the trait associated with that race or culture.

If we look at the Muslims in the past, they were viewed as progressive and honorable that in his book of travels, Ibn Battuta described that whenever he reached a new land, he will be greeted by the locals and they will say 'A person from the land of Islam has arrived' and they greeted him with excitement. This shows that there was a certain perception about Muslims at the time. It is similar to the perception of the Muslim army during the time of the Khilafah, the Roman soldiers were so afraid of the Muslim army that their general had to chain their feet together to stop them from running away from the battle against the Muslims.

I wish to see that the Muslims in this country would change their ways, would dress themselves with the Islamic culture and values rather than the cultural ideas that carries no weight on the day of Judgment.