I was just reading some of the blog entries I made 10 months ago. I'm just glad that I documented it because it just seemed so long ago and so distant from where I am today. All the hassle of filling in forms, going from one government department to another and the frustration of dealing with inefficiencies...that feeling is gone. I can barely remember any of it. The only government encounters I have is to renew my children's visa every 6 months. We have renewed hubby's visa for 5 years and no more going to immigration for that purpose for a little while.
Still, some other issues have emerged that I am trying to digest, to observe all of the reality, to analyse and to make sense of what it is all about. Why do some people behave that way? Why do they think that way? is it insecurity, inferiority or something else?
There's still so much in myself that I need to sort out. My dissatisfaction with a few things when I was in UK and now, realising more and more new realities that have emerged where I am now. The comparison of the two cultures, all the negatives and all the positives is just on-going. Sometimes, I can't even sort these things out in my own head.
Anyway, before I came back to Malaysia I used to wonder why people who have gone back can't answer all of my questions or they can't understand what information that I need. Now I understand why...because I'm at the other side and knowing means forgetting what you didn't know. So, I am glad I jotted it all down in a blog so that I can remember...and I hope that others might benefit from it.
So...10 months on there's light at the end of the tunnel. Filling in forms and hassles in government departments do come to an end...eventually.
Sunday, 17 October 2010
Thursday, 2 September 2010
Making children do what they don't want to do is sometimes a good thing
Monday 30th August 2010
My 7-year old son is very much dependent on his older sister. So it was a dilemma for me when she was ill and could not go to school, I was in two minds about letting him go to school without her. I had all these fears that he wouldn't know where to wait for the bus, that he would end up missing the bus or getting bullied by some naughty boys without his sister there protecting him. So, I bombarded him with excessive 'words of wisdom'. "Make sure you wait at the bus stop that you normally wait at!", "Don't go anywhere else", "Don't mix with the naughty crowd", "If you miss the bus, you must go to the office and ask them to call me..."
I didn't realise that my fears were slowly transferring to my little boy and soon, he started panicking and entered into a state of uncontrollable tantrum. He concluded that he too should not go to school. By the time I realised what I had done to him, it was too late. He was crying his eyes out.
That was when I realised...I had to do the right. He had to go to school as much as my heart was crying with him.
I told him to get dressed and he did so reluctantly.
At 6am, it was time to walk down the road and wait for the bus.
Normally, hubby takes them down to the bus stop. I heard the door closed behind them and thought to myself, "That's it!" but I was wrong, I heard the door opening and hubby huffing "I can't take him down, he is screaming!"
I got into my jilbab quickly and came outside. My little boy was standing by the pillar, his eyes streaming with tears. I had to think quickly about what to say..."come on darling, it will be fine". He wouldn't budge. My first instinct was to scream at him...to say "What is wrong with you, you're going to miss the bus!!!!" or something like..."You must go to school whether you like it or not, don't be a whimp, boy!!!" but I exercised self-restrain.
"Come on! Uncle bus is waiting. We must tell him what is going on so that he knows." It was a double meaning. In his mind, he's probably assuming that means he doesn't need to go to school but I didn't lie to him. So, he walked down with me and we held hands. On the way down, I tried chatting to him about other things, taking his mind of the thing that he feared most...going to school without his sister. So, we talked about Lailatul Qadr and I talked to him about the angels and how they come down to earth on that night. Then, we talked about what we were going to do for Eid. When we got down the road, the bus driver was waiting with his usual smiley face. Then, I turned to my little boy and I said, "I'm sorry! it was my fault. I was worried about you going to school on your own and I made you worried, but you were not worried, you were okay. You know what to do at school."
My boy's face lit up. We got to the bus and he got in.
Today, my boy and I learned a lesson.
I learned that I have such a major influence on my child that my fears can become his fears. I learned that sometimes parents need to make the tough decision, to make my child do something he doesn't want to do for his own good. My duty as a parent is to help and support him to become a strong and resilient adult. I can't protect him from life and its difficulties but I can help him to overcome his fears and know that things will be okay.
My child came home and he was happy. I hope that he has learned that sometimes doing something you don't want to do when it is good for you is okay. I hope that he has learned to face his fears and go through with it. Hubby was completely amazed by what we had achieved. He said, "How did you managed to get him to walk down with you. I couldn't get him to do anything without him screaming." I told him my strategies. His only comment was..."If I had more of that lesson when I was a boy, I would have been a better person."
Today is a lesson for all of us and there will be more and more lessons everyday for parents and children.
My 7-year old son is very much dependent on his older sister. So it was a dilemma for me when she was ill and could not go to school, I was in two minds about letting him go to school without her. I had all these fears that he wouldn't know where to wait for the bus, that he would end up missing the bus or getting bullied by some naughty boys without his sister there protecting him. So, I bombarded him with excessive 'words of wisdom'. "Make sure you wait at the bus stop that you normally wait at!", "Don't go anywhere else", "Don't mix with the naughty crowd", "If you miss the bus, you must go to the office and ask them to call me..."
I didn't realise that my fears were slowly transferring to my little boy and soon, he started panicking and entered into a state of uncontrollable tantrum. He concluded that he too should not go to school. By the time I realised what I had done to him, it was too late. He was crying his eyes out.
That was when I realised...I had to do the right. He had to go to school as much as my heart was crying with him.
I told him to get dressed and he did so reluctantly.
At 6am, it was time to walk down the road and wait for the bus.
Normally, hubby takes them down to the bus stop. I heard the door closed behind them and thought to myself, "That's it!" but I was wrong, I heard the door opening and hubby huffing "I can't take him down, he is screaming!"
I got into my jilbab quickly and came outside. My little boy was standing by the pillar, his eyes streaming with tears. I had to think quickly about what to say..."come on darling, it will be fine". He wouldn't budge. My first instinct was to scream at him...to say "What is wrong with you, you're going to miss the bus!!!!" or something like..."You must go to school whether you like it or not, don't be a whimp, boy!!!" but I exercised self-restrain.
"Come on! Uncle bus is waiting. We must tell him what is going on so that he knows." It was a double meaning. In his mind, he's probably assuming that means he doesn't need to go to school but I didn't lie to him. So, he walked down with me and we held hands. On the way down, I tried chatting to him about other things, taking his mind of the thing that he feared most...going to school without his sister. So, we talked about Lailatul Qadr and I talked to him about the angels and how they come down to earth on that night. Then, we talked about what we were going to do for Eid. When we got down the road, the bus driver was waiting with his usual smiley face. Then, I turned to my little boy and I said, "I'm sorry! it was my fault. I was worried about you going to school on your own and I made you worried, but you were not worried, you were okay. You know what to do at school."
My boy's face lit up. We got to the bus and he got in.
Today, my boy and I learned a lesson.
I learned that I have such a major influence on my child that my fears can become his fears. I learned that sometimes parents need to make the tough decision, to make my child do something he doesn't want to do for his own good. My duty as a parent is to help and support him to become a strong and resilient adult. I can't protect him from life and its difficulties but I can help him to overcome his fears and know that things will be okay.
My child came home and he was happy. I hope that he has learned that sometimes doing something you don't want to do when it is good for you is okay. I hope that he has learned to face his fears and go through with it. Hubby was completely amazed by what we had achieved. He said, "How did you managed to get him to walk down with you. I couldn't get him to do anything without him screaming." I told him my strategies. His only comment was..."If I had more of that lesson when I was a boy, I would have been a better person."
Today is a lesson for all of us and there will be more and more lessons everyday for parents and children.
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