Ex-smoker confession (quit smoking clinic)

May was world no tobacco month. I was invited to give a talk at a health carnival in Sungai Buloh since I am also one of the doctors running our quit smoking clinic. The patients who come to see me are usually those referred to us from Cardiology clinic. Those who have suffered a heart attack and have been told to reduce their risk factors lest...they return to the Cardiology ward with another blocked artery.

My patients who attend the quit smoking clinic often asked me, "Doctor, do you used to smoke?" I have no qualms in saying "Yes" to them. You know how you never quite know the purpose for you doing something until the time comes when everything is revealed to you? Well...the first time a patient asked me that, I felt like my years of burning tobacco suddenly had meaning.

Yes, I was a smoker. I started at the age of 15 and quit at the age of 25 years old. People often misunderstood. They thought I smoked due to peer pressure or was 'influenced' by friends. Truth was, my uncle (who has also quit smoking) was a chain smoker and one day, he left his packet of cigarette at my house. I kept that packet and I even asked my mom if it was okay for me to try one. She gave me the green light. It took me a while before I lighted my first cigarette. Believe it or not, I was actually scared of lighting up a match. My first experience didn't go too well but after that, I tried a few more times and then, I found it rather therapeutic. I felt it was a stress reliever. Well, of course now I know the reason is due to the nicotine that comes from tobacco leaves itself. Nicotine is the active ingredient or the drug that mimics Acetylcholine, a natural neurotransmitter in the brain. Nicotine binds to the Acetylcholine receptors and does more or less the same job as the original chemicals. Nicotine also releases Dopamine, oh...that lovely chemical that makes one happy and relieves stress.

The bad thing is Nicotine is addictive. Once your brain has 'tasted' Nicotine, it just wants more and more and more...and will keep calling for Nicotine every few hours.

When I actually went public with my smoking, there was a bit of an uproar. Well...in the 1980s women don't smoke especially teenage girls. Although I often see grandmothers smoking, like really old ladies who are frail and looks like they're about to collapse at any second, coming out of taxis holding a cigarette. Anyway, women smoking was considered 'indecent'. I hated that cultural mentality. It made me feel that I had to smoke in public even more and to make a stand, a statement, to uphold a principle!

I asked myself, if smoking is bad for health (which it is) then why is it only bad for women. Then I asked again, if smoking is haram (as some fatwa say) then again, why is it only bad for women? I mean...as far as I'm concerned when Islam says something is haram a.k.a BAD...it is bad for both genders. I mean just pick any haram thing, eating pork, drinking alcohol, having sex without marriage, gambling, dealing with interest...ALL HARAM THINGS ARE HARAM TO BOTH MEN AND WOMEN.

The only things that have some differences in rules are pertaining to what we should do for example, it is obligatory for men to attend Friday prayers but it is optional for women, it is obligatory for men to fight and protect the land or lives in jihad but it is optional for women, it is obligatory for men to support their family (working) but it is optional for women. Even when it comes to covering the awrah (parts of the body that needs to be covered) are applicable to both men and women, the only difference is the definition of the parts.

For argument sake, so men are allowed to marry up to four women but women are not allowed but still, that is about God giving men permission to marry up to four. However, when it comes to things that are NOT allowed...that are haram a.k.a BAD things...it is bad for all. Hence, I felt disgusted by the double standards that was practiced in society. I hated the mentality that some things are bad for women or seen as 'tak manis'. URGHHHH! so what if women are 'tak manis'. I hated the mentality that it is bad for women to not be a virgin but it is okay for men to not be virgins.  I held on to the principle that societal rules must be applied to all so, if women are expected to be virgins than men too are expected to be virgins. There should be no bias, no prejudice and no double standards. I wanted justice and equality when it came to application of 'good' and 'bad'.

I wasn't looking for equality in the sense of what men can do, women can do better. No! I didn't want to compete with men or be a feminist. I just wanted people to realize that their view towards good and bad or what society considered as 'acceptable' for men but not for women is based on flawed emotional responses rather than concrete evidence. Telling me I shouldn't smoke in public just because 'tak manis di pandang orang' (not sweet) is not good enough. Tell me I shouldn't smoke in public because it is bad for my health and all the people around me due to passive smoking then, I can accept because that would apply to all smokers and not just because I happen to be born with XX chromosomes.

Remember when this country was covered with haze due to forest fire in Sumatera last year? At the time, everyone frowned upon smokers because they were being terribly selfish, adding more pollutant to the already toxic environment. I saw some smirks and pulling faces from smokers but to me, that is dumb rebellion. If you want to rebel, rebel with a purpose. Don't rebel for self-gratification. Well, you can argue, the air quality at the time was bad anyway...so adding more carbon monoxide and another 4000 toxic chemicals from your one burning cigarette will probably not make much of a difference but, if 1.6 million people smoke and they smoke on average 10 cigarette per day then, you do the maths. How much toxic chemicals are we adding to an already suffocating poor air quality?

Anyway, I quit smoking because I had a scare. I started having this haemoptysis (coughing blood) every morning and thought I was like you know, dying from the big C. Thank God, it wasn't.  On top of that, one of my patients who suffered from COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) which is caused by smoking had a near death experience. She was in the wards and she couldn't breath. We had to resuscitate her, you know using intubation and everything. The next day, I came to work and I was looking for her and actually found her smoking at the bicycle shed. She inspired me to quit smoking. I thought to myself, no matter what happens I will not become like that. So, I took my last cigarette and then kept the rest in its box as a reminder.

Now, let me inform you that once you're a smoker, you can never truly quit. What I mean is that you may never touch another cigarette in your life but you do have the cravings from time to time. Even after so many years, I do get cravings maybe once or twice a month, depending on how stress I'm feeling. However, the craving only lasts for a few seconds or a minute (max) and goes away once you're busy doing other things. I keep telling myself, that's my brain receptors calling for Nicotine. Forget it...I don't need it.

Besides, my principle self wants to prove that nothing can control me. I am not a slave of Nicotine. the reason why I used to smoke is not because Nicotine has power over me. So, there you go. Successful quitters are those with strong self discipline and motivation. People who have some dependent personality trait may find it more difficult to quit. However, it is not impossible. If you want to quit but find that you might need some help either from counselling or medication, get yourself enrolled in a quit smoking program.