How can I go back...I can never go back...

It has been really hard for me to settle in Malaysia despite it being my country of origin, despite me being born here and growing up here for the first 17 years of my life...I travelled to UK when I was 17 years old and whilst I was in UK, I found something amazing...I actually found Islam.

Even though I was born in Malaysia, a supposedly Muslim country but I never really knew Islam. I never truly recognised Allah, my Lord, my Creator...but when I was in UK I started to meet, discuss and interacted with the Muslims in Britain, they opened my heart, my mind to this beautiful Deen. I studied at Kings College London and I was the only Malay student in the Medical faculty. I didn't have a choice but to mix with others...at first, I used to hang around with the people at my halls of residence. I had a friend called Imran Khan (not the cricket player) who was a Dentist and he was very funny and smart. We used to study together and he taught me all about anatomy of the head and neck. I was living like everyone else...a secular life but I always felt that something was missing. I had all the freedom in the world, no parents, no uztaz, no government to tell me what to do...I was free and yet, I felt trapped within my own skin. Trapped by the conditions imposed upon me by society. I wasn't free at all and so one day, I went to the prayer room at the University for the first time and I was greeted by this beautiful petite girl wearing himaar and jilbab. She started talking to me, asking me about myself. I was weary at first because I thought people would judge me, I wanted to be discreet and not speak to anyone but she spoke to me and she was nice to me and she didn't care that I was not wearing the hijaab (at that time).

From that day, I kept going to the prayer room and from time to time chatted with some of the Muslims there. Then, one day I was on my way to the prayer room and the sisters invited me to join them for a talk. I went with them and what was said just opened my mind. I felt like a light was switched on and I was no longer groping in the dark. Her topic was simple...purpose of life...but all this while, I never realised that my purpose in life was to worship Allah. That was the reason that God created me.

From that day, I never looked back. The Muslim sisters became my real sisters because my family were in Malaysia. We spent time together, they helped me, supported me, spent Ramadhan and Eid together, even got me married. For the first time in my life, I experienced true sisterhood and true brotherhood. I truly felt that we were one ummah, the ummah of Muhammad (saw).

I started to learn more about Islam, about my Deen, about my Lord. I started to learn about the Qur'an and what it means to make the Qur'an alive, to relate everything that Allah says to what is happening in reality. To understand the relationship between Truth and Falsehood, to understand the plots and plans and political scenario of the world....my mind was truly liberated. I understood what was before life, what is after life and what is this life. Before life was nothing but Allah, after life is the Hereafter, the Akhirah and this life was a real test...to see whether we will believe and obey Allah or disbelieve and disobey Him.

So, after all that...how can I possibly go back to not knowing? How can I accept some of the things that are being said? How can I close my eyes to what is happening around the world? How can I ignore the cries and suffering of my brothers and sisters...who have helped me and protected me when I was weak and alone? How is it possible for me to go from believing, understanding of 1Ummah, the Ummah of Muhammad (saw) to being 1ummah of God knows who? I don't want to be the ummah of someone else...I don't want to follow anyone else...

I am finding it so hard right now...so hard to explain all these feelings that I have. To a certain extend, I am disappointed, frustrated and sometimes I just feel down and low....looking at the state we are in...the state of mind. There is so much potential in this Ummah, I mean...the Ummah of Muhammad (saw) but we are shackled and chained by those who wish to see the Ummah in a state of decline. The Ummah can do great things if they truly have confidence in Islam, confidence in themselves as Muslims, stop worrying about what the non-Muslims would say or think, stop worrying about rocking the boat. Don't they realise that under the rule of Islam, the Khilafah...it wasn't just the Muslims that excelled but non-Muslims as well? Just read on one topic...the history of Islamic medicine and you will find the names of great scholars and inventors of Jews, Christian and Muslim origins. We can be a great nation but unfortunately, we put restrictions on ourselves and that is our tragedy.