Divorced Kids: My parents no longer love one another but THEY LOVE ME!

I don't like this subject. It is a difficult one to write about. It is personal and often, misunderstood. Most people talk about divorce# as a 'bad' thing. It is the thing that is hated most by God. No one is saying it is good but in reality, it is happening and statistically, it is happening more often now than ever before. Many divorced couples eventually find their own respective suitors and hopefully, (inshaAllah) live happily ever after. :-)

Even if they don't find the 'one', hopefully they find themselves which in itself WORTH more than having to stay in an unhappy or worse, miserable (or abusive) situation. If two people (despite all methods and means) fail to live together peacefully, they do not have to kill one another. There is a peaceful way out hence, divorce is allowed. It maybe the most hated thing in the world in the eyes of God but He allowed it (in Islam anyway, not sure in other religions).

However, I want to talk about the "collateral damage". With the rising numbers of broken marriages, children (some young, some older) are the center to this issue. Fortunately, children are extremely resilient. They handle things much better than adults (sometimes). Younger children are even better at handling difficult situations. They know less and hence, are less prejudice. Older children have developed a mind of their own, but often not fully equipped to understand the entire situation. Some children are more emotionally mature than others. Alhamdulillah, if you have these kids you are so blessed :-) It is up to both parents (despite their own disagreements) to ensure that they send a positive and consistent message to the kids. Younger children may not understand much but it maybe sufficient for them to know that "Mummy and Daddy no longer live together anymore. Mummy or Daddy has moved out and is staying somewhere else." They need to realize that the arrangement is permanent. However, the most important thing is for them to know:
1. It is not their fault.
2. Just because Mummy and Daddy no longer love one another, they both still love the children.
3. Mummy and Daddy will always be there for them (even though separately).

Often, children become the victim of tug of war between parents. Even if one parent is the culprit, it is still a negative influence on the child. The psychological effect on the child for having made to choose sides or to 'blame' one party or feel resentment will only cause damage to the child's emotional development and well-being. The general rule is to KEEP CHILDREN OUT OF THE CONFLICT. Both mother and father must also be very sensitive to the children's surrounding. Even if both mom and dad have agreed to handle the situation delicately, there maybe negative ideas being thrown about by family members that may cause distress to the child and harm their gentle minds. You know those movies where mom (or dad) sits and talks to the child, explaining to them in a matter of fact way about man, life and universe with no emotional entanglement. I love doing that with my kids. If that is too difficult, get a story book that talks about these issues.

The problem sometimes in our Malay culture is we do not talk to our children. It is unfortunate since we have so much to talk to them about. Islam and its vast sea of content is just swirling around, waiting for us to jump and dip our hands into these precious knowledge to hand down to our offspring. Children are also amazingly forgiving. They have no DENGKI, DENDAM, HASAD, KESUMAT....they are pure and sincere. So, do not taint them with our weaknesses and bad habits. STOP THE NEGATIVE CYCLE NOW! We are already passing down our bad genes e.g. if we have Diabetes. Don't pass down our bad thoughts as well. Instead, let them be everything we always wanted to be (but wasn't) when we were their age. Let them be strong, intelligent, forgiving, understanding and most of all, let them feel no matter what happens to the world, their mom and dad will always love them.

Strange how Islam seems more confusing in a Muslim country

It is strange how Islam seems more confusing in a majority Muslim country. I suppose living in the West where every thing about your belief is constantly under scrutiny and attack, it propels you to start questioning yourself and to search for the Truth, the complete Truth that has not been tainted by personal opinions and cultural influences. I lived in UK for 17 years of my life and it was in the UK that I ‘found’ Islam. Now back in Malaysia…memories are flooding back at me of what used to distance me from loving this wonderful religion that I am so fortunate to have.

Growing up in Malaysia, I often felt irritated in the way Islam was portrayed to me especially in the expectations of women. I was never one of those who conform to expectations. I refused to become the image of the ‘Muslimah’ that they believed women should be. I had opinions, my own strong ones and I would argue my case until I am satisfied whether I am right or wrong. If I am wrong, I would accept defeat but if I am right, I expect to be acknowledged. I have no problems saying I am wrong but I would not do it without a battle. Yet, a woman was supposed to be ‘submissive’, to obey her husband without question, to bersopan-santun (whatever that means).

In my younger years growing up in Malaysia, I was often misunderstood. Just because I didn’t wear the ‘tudung’ and used to hang out with friends late at night, I was labeled as ‘a lost cause’. It didn’t bother me as I knew (even if no one else knew) that I was not doing anything bad. I did not take drugs, I did not drink alcohol and hanging out with guys was strictly hanging out and nothing more. I had principles. I made sure I completed my homework and I studied like mad. When I was in form five, I made a pledge to study and not go out for the entire year, I studied 8-hours a day at weekends and stopped only to eat, pray, sleep and watch one hour of TV.

I was glad I never went to boarding school. No offence to boarders but I was one of those people who made my own schedule and stick to it. I do not like to be told what to do. The reason for that is because I knew what I wanted to do. Just give me a job and I will do it, I will take it as my own and come up with the product…but let me do it my own way.

Hence, people like me do not conform because we are self- regulators; not because we are ‘outcast’ or trouble makers. Hence, I supposed in a society where everyone is expected to follow and not to question. It was difficult but I learned to keep myself to myself. I held on to the attitude of “I don’t disturb you and you don’t disturb me but if you disturb me, I will give you crap.” Somehow, I managed to maneuver my way through this urban jungle and finally escaped to UK to do my A levels.

When I was in UK during my second year of medical school after going through a period of super rebellion, I met some British Muslim sisters. Ironically, despite my rebellious nature I never missed a prayer. My dad used to say to me “No matter what you do, make sure that you pray.” Hence, I held on to that for dear life.

So, once when I went up to the prayer room at King’s College, I met this Muslim sister. She was a British Pakistani with the sweetest of face. I was not in hijab but I brought my telekong with me. I prayed and then I sat down for a while. She approached me and asked my name. She then started talking to me. I felt amazed how this beautiful wholesome woman would want to talk to me! We started chatting and she told me they will be having an Islamic talk next week and invited me to attend. I had bad experiences with Islamic talks when I was in Malaysia where women were made to feel like second class citizens and men would eventually go to heaven and marry virgins so, I hesitated.

The next week, I came up to pray again and there was a group of Muslim sisters in the prayer room. I prayed quietly in a corner, took off my telekong, still not wearing hijab and was about to leave. They called me and said, “We are having a talk, come with us.” They sort of grabbed my hand and before I knew it I was sitting in the hall. The sister gave her talk and everything…..everything I thought I knew about Islam flew out of the window. I felt WOW!

Her talk was simple, purpose in life…why are we here? She talked about how most of us were born Muslim, told to believe in Allah and accepted what our parents told us. She said, have we ever questioned why? Have we ever thought to ourselves what makes us believe God exist? She talked about the three fundamental questions, where do we come from, where will we be going when we die and why are we here?

 

I was amazed. First of all, I thought “Oh my God! We can question?”

I remembered when I was little in primary school, I had a friend who questioned. The next thing we knew teachers were saying “Astaghfirullah…such an such have become murtad. She questioned is there God!” She became an outcast and no one else questioned.

The problem was, without an answer…without conviction. What kind of believe do we have?

The problem is not with questioning. The problem was NO ONE ANSWERED. I suspect people do not answer and instead over reacted because they probably never questioned and was afraid to ask in case it affected their ‘Aqeedah’ but they did not realize that Aqeedah in Arabic meaning is to ‘bind in a knot’.  It is an UNSHAKABLE belief that cannot be taken away by anything…when you are convinced that GOD EXIST, nothing in the world, even an earthquake or the most horrible thing that happens to you, you will still believe HE EXIST because you have witnessed it with your mind. You have seen around you that something created everything regardless of whether the world is fair or not fair…that is another question but the world is created. It could not have happened by itself.

I sat there in the hall crying my eyes out because all these while I believe…I believe in Allah but I never reaffirmed my belief. For the first time, I reaffirmed my belief by questioning….I know I believe in Allah but why? And for me to answer why….is simple…I look at my hands, my feet, my eyes…I look at the everything around me and that is enough to reaffirm, I believe.