Relocation experience: should I stay or should I go?

Everything changes. Yes, that's how it is.
Four years ago I was in a different country, leading a different life, married to a different man and having different problems. Four years down the line, I am in another country, and although it is my birth country but it doesn't make it easier. I left Malaysia when I was 17 years old. I spent half of my adult life in the UK and now I'm back and I'm having to adapt. I think it is harder to adapt when you're older. You are more set in your ways. You get irritable easier and more grumpy and have less tolerance towards people or the environment.

As for work, I am now an academician. I used to be a General Practitioner in the UK. I spent most of my time doing clinical work but now, I am also doing other things apart from seeing patients like teaching and research. Research is something completely new to me and fortunately, I enjoy it very much. Publishing in a medical journal is another challenge, although I have done it once or twice before when I published in the Student BMJ but this time, it is actually part of my work. I have to publish so, there is an added pressure. However, I enjoy writing even if it is scientific. I am due to publish my first original paper soon. WATCH THIS SPACE!

Yes, married to a different man. There's nothing much to say about the end of my previous marriage although we didn't walk into court hand-in-hand but Alhamdulillah, it was civilized and I'm glad we kept in good terms for the sake of the children. As for my new marriage,  it is with someone I've known and love all my life but still, marriage is marriage. Only in Jannah will we find true love and happiness so I pray for that moment that me and my husband will be together hand in hand, running in meadows, sitting on velvet cushions and sipping sweet honey without any hardship, to simply look into each other's eyes and to feel love and serenity. Yes...that's heaven. Ameen.

As for having different problems. Well, life is a test and problems are everywhere. We're given the brain to solve problems. Hence, problems are good for us. Without problems, how do we exercise our brain cells? Maybe I have become more sceptical and maybe I have come to a stage that I just can't be bothered anymore about trivial matters. There are bigger issues in this world like such hunger, war, poverty, oppression, unjust systems. There are even bigger issues to contend with which is the end of the world or end of life and after life.

Although I am in this very tiny computer room and my fingers are typing away to God knows, only a handful of people who will actually read this rant but my mind is expanding to the universe. I refrain from feeling too happy or too sad for I know that life brings waves of happiness and sadness. I have met enough people and enough patients to see illness, pain and suffering. I have seen enough trauma and accidents to know how fragile life is. I have faced enough evil to stand my ground and my faith inshaAllah.

Do I recommend relocation? I still cannot answer that question. I guess it depends on your personal reasons and what you aim to achieve. Alhamdulillah I feel I have achieved most things that I personally would like to achieve but still, it has cost me other things. As you know, there's advantages and disadvantages in everything. You just have to make a decision and make the best out of it. Don't get me wrong, I never regretted my decision. I'm just saying that no matter where you are, problem will find you. There will always be trouble. It is a matter of weighing out disadvantages versus benefits.

So, there you go. TEPUK DADA TANYA SELERA (literally translated as HIT YOUR CHEST AND ASK YOUR APPETITE) In other words, it is up to you to decide.

The love of my life

I can't find the words to describe how I truly feel. Have you ever watched "The Krull"? It is a fantasy story of a young love between a prince and princess fighting the demon called "the beast". The beast captured the princess and in order to rescue the princess, they needed to find "The glaive" (A magical weapon). Ynyr, an old man is willing to help the prince find this weapon which he knew was kept by an old witch, known as the "Widow". She lived in a spider web and no man has ever left her lair alive. As Ynyr attempted to get into her lair, a love story was unveiled. The widow was an enchantress who loved Ynyr a long time ago but fate betrayed their love and after their parting, she exiled herself to the lair of the crystal spider. Many many years had past since and even though they have both aged, with grey hair and wrinkles on their faces but the way he looked at her, he still saw her as the beautiful maiden he once loved.

I have always found that scene romantic but never truly understood what it meant until now. Now, every time I look at him and even though I notice the age on his face and grey strands in his hair, I still see the 18 year old boy I fell in love with so many years ago. I remember his smile every time he sees me and how his eyes would light up. He didn't have to say much but I knew the pain and sorrow he felt every time I had to leave. 

I met my husband 22 years ago when I was 17 and he was 18. We met at Subang Parade, not the most romantic vicinity but it was one of the best hang out places in the 1990s.

He still remembers the day we first met and we laugh at the knife scene. He was sitting at Grandy's which was situated at the ground floor of Subang Parade. He was wearing jeans, T-shirt and a cap with 'PRINCE' written on it. I was in my usual jeans, T-shirt and cap. I saw a friend called John sitting at Grandy's and came to talk to him. I asked him if he had seen a mutual friend called Neil. Next to John was his girlfriend, Sara and opposite him was this guy with the Prince cap I have not met before. The 'prince' guy asked me what is my name and I told him. I looked at him but I didn't smile. Subang Jaya was a small town and everyone knew everyone else. At the time, there was only one primary school which was Sek Ren Subang Jaya and one secondary school, Sek Men Subang Jaya. All the Subang kids knew of one another but he was not a Subang kid.
I asked him, "What is your name?"
He replied, "Why do you want to know my name?"
I answered "So that I can call you."
His said,"Why do you want to call me, you don't even have my number. "
His response startled me and I glared at him. I said, "Call you as in...you know 'hi'."

My first impression was I really didn't like this guy. He started making some sarcastic remarks and since I was actually waiting for my sister to arrive, I said, "Have you seen my sister?" With that question, he looked at me with a startled face, obviously NOT since he has never met my sister before. It was random question anyway. He said, "I am your sister, why don't you come and sit with us."

I moved to join them still holding a non-smiling and serious face. The only empty seat was next to "prince" so, I sat next to him. I noticed he was holding a butterfly knife and he was making stabbing movements on the table. I stared hard at him and he looked at me with his deep set eyes. We stared at each other and with a threatening look, he said, "Do you want me to put this in you?" At that moment, I was more annoyed than anything else, I glared at him and looked away pretending I didn't hear him and carried on chatting to John and Sara.

That was the beginning of our love story. That was how we became best friends, hanging out at Subang Parade and talking about life and the universe. I was waiting for my SPM results which was due to in a few weeks time. Everyday, we would meet at Subang Parade and hang out until dusk. It was our second home. We would visit the book shop and read the magazines, the music shop and listen to songs, we would even visit Yamaha for me to play the piano and for him to play the guitar. I used to teach him some songs on the piano and I could spend hours just listening to him strumming the guitar. We had friends who would hang out with us like Bob, Man, John, Boy, Neil and others. He taught me many things about life, history and politics. On the other hand, I was always philosophizing about life. We shared interest in music even though I was more into Depeche Mode, New Order etc...but he introduced me to Metallica, Faith No More etc...

I have loved him all of these years but fate took us away from one another. I guess I have always put my studies above everything else and my dream of studying abroad took me away from other things that mattered. Yet, all of these years of being apart, we were never truly apart. We were in each other's shadows. I used to dream of him often even though I would wake up and not really understanding why. In my conscious mind, I thought I wasn't thinking of him but I guess he remained hidden within my subconscious. It was the same recurring dream for many years...it would be me looking for him, trying to find him and very rarely, I would find him.

More than anything, he was my friend. A real true friend who loved and respected me, who sacrificed his own happiness for mine, who accepted me for whatever I am. Sometimes I trusted immensely.

Now, 22 years later...sometimes I look at him and I still see the 18 year old, sometimes 20 years old and sometimes 22 years old but other times, I see him as the man with grey hair, wrinkles on his face and the painful stresses that life throws upon us. Such is life...full of challenges and for those 20+ painful years, I was absent from him, there was never a moment that we didn't miss one another.