Relocation experience: should I stay or should I go?

Everything changes. Yes, that's how it is.
Four years ago I was in a different country, leading a different life, married to a different man and having different problems. Four years down the line, I am in another country, and although it is my birth country but it doesn't make it easier. I left Malaysia when I was 17 years old. I spent half of my adult life in the UK and now I'm back and I'm having to adapt. I think it is harder to adapt when you're older. You are more set in your ways. You get irritable easier and more grumpy and have less tolerance towards people or the environment.

As for work, I am now an academician. I used to be a General Practitioner in the UK. I spent most of my time doing clinical work but now, I am also doing other things apart from seeing patients like teaching and research. Research is something completely new to me and fortunately, I enjoy it very much. Publishing in a medical journal is another challenge, although I have done it once or twice before when I published in the Student BMJ but this time, it is actually part of my work. I have to publish so, there is an added pressure. However, I enjoy writing even if it is scientific. I am due to publish my first original paper soon. WATCH THIS SPACE!

Yes, married to a different man. There's nothing much to say about the end of my previous marriage although we didn't walk into court hand-in-hand but Alhamdulillah, it was civilized and I'm glad we kept in good terms for the sake of the children. As for my new marriage,  it is with someone I've known and love all my life but still, marriage is marriage. Only in Jannah will we find true love and happiness so I pray for that moment that me and my husband will be together hand in hand, running in meadows, sitting on velvet cushions and sipping sweet honey without any hardship, to simply look into each other's eyes and to feel love and serenity. Yes...that's heaven. Ameen.

As for having different problems. Well, life is a test and problems are everywhere. We're given the brain to solve problems. Hence, problems are good for us. Without problems, how do we exercise our brain cells? Maybe I have become more sceptical and maybe I have come to a stage that I just can't be bothered anymore about trivial matters. There are bigger issues in this world like such hunger, war, poverty, oppression, unjust systems. There are even bigger issues to contend with which is the end of the world or end of life and after life.

Although I am in this very tiny computer room and my fingers are typing away to God knows, only a handful of people who will actually read this rant but my mind is expanding to the universe. I refrain from feeling too happy or too sad for I know that life brings waves of happiness and sadness. I have met enough people and enough patients to see illness, pain and suffering. I have seen enough trauma and accidents to know how fragile life is. I have faced enough evil to stand my ground and my faith inshaAllah.

Do I recommend relocation? I still cannot answer that question. I guess it depends on your personal reasons and what you aim to achieve. Alhamdulillah I feel I have achieved most things that I personally would like to achieve but still, it has cost me other things. As you know, there's advantages and disadvantages in everything. You just have to make a decision and make the best out of it. Don't get me wrong, I never regretted my decision. I'm just saying that no matter where you are, problem will find you. There will always be trouble. It is a matter of weighing out disadvantages versus benefits.

So, there you go. TEPUK DADA TANYA SELERA (literally translated as HIT YOUR CHEST AND ASK YOUR APPETITE) In other words, it is up to you to decide.

The love of my life

I can't find the words to describe how I truly feel. Have you ever watched "The Krull"? It is a fantasy story of a young love between a prince and princess fighting the demon called "the beast". The beast captured the princess and in order to rescue the princess, they needed to find "The glaive" (A magical weapon). Ynyr, an old man is willing to help the prince find this weapon which he knew was kept by an old witch, known as the "Widow". She lived in a spider web and no man has ever left her lair alive. As Ynyr attempted to get into her lair, a love story was unveiled. The widow was an enchantress who loved Ynyr a long time ago but fate betrayed their love and after their parting, she exiled herself to the lair of the crystal spider. Many many years had past since and even though they have both aged, with grey hair and wrinkles on their faces but the way he looked at her, he still saw her as the beautiful maiden he once loved.

I have always found that scene romantic but never truly understood what it meant until now. Now, every time I look at him and even though I notice the age on his face and grey strands in his hair, I still see the 18 year old boy I fell in love with so many years ago. I remember his smile every time he sees me and how his eyes would light up. He didn't have to say much but I knew the pain and sorrow he felt every time I had to leave. 

I met my husband 22 years ago when I was 17 and he was 18. We met at Subang Parade, not the most romantic vicinity but it was one of the best hang out places in the 1990s.

He still remembers the day we first met and we laugh at the knife scene. He was sitting at Grandy's which was situated at the ground floor of Subang Parade. He was wearing jeans, T-shirt and a cap with 'PRINCE' written on it. I was in my usual jeans, T-shirt and cap. I saw a friend called John sitting at Grandy's and came to talk to him. I asked him if he had seen a mutual friend called Neil. Next to John was his girlfriend, Sara and opposite him was this guy with the Prince cap I have not met before. The 'prince' guy asked me what is my name and I told him. I looked at him but I didn't smile. Subang Jaya was a small town and everyone knew everyone else. At the time, there was only one primary school which was Sek Ren Subang Jaya and one secondary school, Sek Men Subang Jaya. All the Subang kids knew of one another but he was not a Subang kid.
I asked him, "What is your name?"
He replied, "Why do you want to know my name?"
I answered "So that I can call you."
His said,"Why do you want to call me, you don't even have my number. "
His response startled me and I glared at him. I said, "Call you as in...you know 'hi'."

My first impression was I really didn't like this guy. He started making some sarcastic remarks and since I was actually waiting for my sister to arrive, I said, "Have you seen my sister?" With that question, he looked at me with a startled face, obviously NOT since he has never met my sister before. It was random question anyway. He said, "I am your sister, why don't you come and sit with us."

I moved to join them still holding a non-smiling and serious face. The only empty seat was next to "prince" so, I sat next to him. I noticed he was holding a butterfly knife and he was making stabbing movements on the table. I stared hard at him and he looked at me with his deep set eyes. We stared at each other and with a threatening look, he said, "Do you want me to put this in you?" At that moment, I was more annoyed than anything else, I glared at him and looked away pretending I didn't hear him and carried on chatting to John and Sara.

That was the beginning of our love story. That was how we became best friends, hanging out at Subang Parade and talking about life and the universe. I was waiting for my SPM results which was due to in a few weeks time. Everyday, we would meet at Subang Parade and hang out until dusk. It was our second home. We would visit the book shop and read the magazines, the music shop and listen to songs, we would even visit Yamaha for me to play the piano and for him to play the guitar. I used to teach him some songs on the piano and I could spend hours just listening to him strumming the guitar. We had friends who would hang out with us like Bob, Man, John, Boy, Neil and others. He taught me many things about life, history and politics. On the other hand, I was always philosophizing about life. We shared interest in music even though I was more into Depeche Mode, New Order etc...but he introduced me to Metallica, Faith No More etc...

I have loved him all of these years but fate took us away from one another. I guess I have always put my studies above everything else and my dream of studying abroad took me away from other things that mattered. Yet, all of these years of being apart, we were never truly apart. We were in each other's shadows. I used to dream of him often even though I would wake up and not really understanding why. In my conscious mind, I thought I wasn't thinking of him but I guess he remained hidden within my subconscious. It was the same recurring dream for many years...it would be me looking for him, trying to find him and very rarely, I would find him.

More than anything, he was my friend. A real true friend who loved and respected me, who sacrificed his own happiness for mine, who accepted me for whatever I am. Sometimes I trusted immensely.

Now, 22 years later...sometimes I look at him and I still see the 18 year old, sometimes 20 years old and sometimes 22 years old but other times, I see him as the man with grey hair, wrinkles on his face and the painful stresses that life throws upon us. Such is life...full of challenges and for those 20+ painful years, I was absent from him, there was never a moment that we didn't miss one another. 

Divorced Kids: My parents no longer love one another but THEY LOVE ME!

I don't like this subject. It is a difficult one to write about. It is personal and often, misunderstood. Most people talk about divorce# as a 'bad' thing. It is the thing that is hated most by God. No one is saying it is good but in reality, it is happening and statistically, it is happening more often now than ever before. Many divorced couples eventually find their own respective suitors and hopefully, (inshaAllah) live happily ever after. :-)

Even if they don't find the 'one', hopefully they find themselves which in itself WORTH more than having to stay in an unhappy or worse, miserable (or abusive) situation. If two people (despite all methods and means) fail to live together peacefully, they do not have to kill one another. There is a peaceful way out hence, divorce is allowed. It maybe the most hated thing in the world in the eyes of God but He allowed it (in Islam anyway, not sure in other religions).

However, I want to talk about the "collateral damage". With the rising numbers of broken marriages, children (some young, some older) are the center to this issue. Fortunately, children are extremely resilient. They handle things much better than adults (sometimes). Younger children are even better at handling difficult situations. They know less and hence, are less prejudice. Older children have developed a mind of their own, but often not fully equipped to understand the entire situation. Some children are more emotionally mature than others. Alhamdulillah, if you have these kids you are so blessed :-) It is up to both parents (despite their own disagreements) to ensure that they send a positive and consistent message to the kids. Younger children may not understand much but it maybe sufficient for them to know that "Mummy and Daddy no longer live together anymore. Mummy or Daddy has moved out and is staying somewhere else." They need to realize that the arrangement is permanent. However, the most important thing is for them to know:
1. It is not their fault.
2. Just because Mummy and Daddy no longer love one another, they both still love the children.
3. Mummy and Daddy will always be there for them (even though separately).

Often, children become the victim of tug of war between parents. Even if one parent is the culprit, it is still a negative influence on the child. The psychological effect on the child for having made to choose sides or to 'blame' one party or feel resentment will only cause damage to the child's emotional development and well-being. The general rule is to KEEP CHILDREN OUT OF THE CONFLICT. Both mother and father must also be very sensitive to the children's surrounding. Even if both mom and dad have agreed to handle the situation delicately, there maybe negative ideas being thrown about by family members that may cause distress to the child and harm their gentle minds. You know those movies where mom (or dad) sits and talks to the child, explaining to them in a matter of fact way about man, life and universe with no emotional entanglement. I love doing that with my kids. If that is too difficult, get a story book that talks about these issues.

The problem sometimes in our Malay culture is we do not talk to our children. It is unfortunate since we have so much to talk to them about. Islam and its vast sea of content is just swirling around, waiting for us to jump and dip our hands into these precious knowledge to hand down to our offspring. Children are also amazingly forgiving. They have no DENGKI, DENDAM, HASAD, KESUMAT....they are pure and sincere. So, do not taint them with our weaknesses and bad habits. STOP THE NEGATIVE CYCLE NOW! We are already passing down our bad genes e.g. if we have Diabetes. Don't pass down our bad thoughts as well. Instead, let them be everything we always wanted to be (but wasn't) when we were their age. Let them be strong, intelligent, forgiving, understanding and most of all, let them feel no matter what happens to the world, their mom and dad will always love them.

Strange how Islam seems more confusing in a Muslim country

It is strange how Islam seems more confusing in a majority Muslim country. I suppose living in the West where every thing about your belief is constantly under scrutiny and attack, it propels you to start questioning yourself and to search for the Truth, the complete Truth that has not been tainted by personal opinions and cultural influences. I lived in UK for 17 years of my life and it was in the UK that I ‘found’ Islam. Now back in Malaysia…memories are flooding back at me of what used to distance me from loving this wonderful religion that I am so fortunate to have.

Growing up in Malaysia, I often felt irritated in the way Islam was portrayed to me especially in the expectations of women. I was never one of those who conform to expectations. I refused to become the image of the ‘Muslimah’ that they believed women should be. I had opinions, my own strong ones and I would argue my case until I am satisfied whether I am right or wrong. If I am wrong, I would accept defeat but if I am right, I expect to be acknowledged. I have no problems saying I am wrong but I would not do it without a battle. Yet, a woman was supposed to be ‘submissive’, to obey her husband without question, to bersopan-santun (whatever that means).

In my younger years growing up in Malaysia, I was often misunderstood. Just because I didn’t wear the ‘tudung’ and used to hang out with friends late at night, I was labeled as ‘a lost cause’. It didn’t bother me as I knew (even if no one else knew) that I was not doing anything bad. I did not take drugs, I did not drink alcohol and hanging out with guys was strictly hanging out and nothing more. I had principles. I made sure I completed my homework and I studied like mad. When I was in form five, I made a pledge to study and not go out for the entire year, I studied 8-hours a day at weekends and stopped only to eat, pray, sleep and watch one hour of TV.

I was glad I never went to boarding school. No offence to boarders but I was one of those people who made my own schedule and stick to it. I do not like to be told what to do. The reason for that is because I knew what I wanted to do. Just give me a job and I will do it, I will take it as my own and come up with the product…but let me do it my own way.

Hence, people like me do not conform because we are self- regulators; not because we are ‘outcast’ or trouble makers. Hence, I supposed in a society where everyone is expected to follow and not to question. It was difficult but I learned to keep myself to myself. I held on to the attitude of “I don’t disturb you and you don’t disturb me but if you disturb me, I will give you crap.” Somehow, I managed to maneuver my way through this urban jungle and finally escaped to UK to do my A levels.

When I was in UK during my second year of medical school after going through a period of super rebellion, I met some British Muslim sisters. Ironically, despite my rebellious nature I never missed a prayer. My dad used to say to me “No matter what you do, make sure that you pray.” Hence, I held on to that for dear life.

So, once when I went up to the prayer room at King’s College, I met this Muslim sister. She was a British Pakistani with the sweetest of face. I was not in hijab but I brought my telekong with me. I prayed and then I sat down for a while. She approached me and asked my name. She then started talking to me. I felt amazed how this beautiful wholesome woman would want to talk to me! We started chatting and she told me they will be having an Islamic talk next week and invited me to attend. I had bad experiences with Islamic talks when I was in Malaysia where women were made to feel like second class citizens and men would eventually go to heaven and marry virgins so, I hesitated.

The next week, I came up to pray again and there was a group of Muslim sisters in the prayer room. I prayed quietly in a corner, took off my telekong, still not wearing hijab and was about to leave. They called me and said, “We are having a talk, come with us.” They sort of grabbed my hand and before I knew it I was sitting in the hall. The sister gave her talk and everything…..everything I thought I knew about Islam flew out of the window. I felt WOW!

Her talk was simple, purpose in life…why are we here? She talked about how most of us were born Muslim, told to believe in Allah and accepted what our parents told us. She said, have we ever questioned why? Have we ever thought to ourselves what makes us believe God exist? She talked about the three fundamental questions, where do we come from, where will we be going when we die and why are we here?

 

I was amazed. First of all, I thought “Oh my God! We can question?”

I remembered when I was little in primary school, I had a friend who questioned. The next thing we knew teachers were saying “Astaghfirullah…such an such have become murtad. She questioned is there God!” She became an outcast and no one else questioned.

The problem was, without an answer…without conviction. What kind of believe do we have?

The problem is not with questioning. The problem was NO ONE ANSWERED. I suspect people do not answer and instead over reacted because they probably never questioned and was afraid to ask in case it affected their ‘Aqeedah’ but they did not realize that Aqeedah in Arabic meaning is to ‘bind in a knot’.  It is an UNSHAKABLE belief that cannot be taken away by anything…when you are convinced that GOD EXIST, nothing in the world, even an earthquake or the most horrible thing that happens to you, you will still believe HE EXIST because you have witnessed it with your mind. You have seen around you that something created everything regardless of whether the world is fair or not fair…that is another question but the world is created. It could not have happened by itself.

I sat there in the hall crying my eyes out because all these while I believe…I believe in Allah but I never reaffirmed my belief. For the first time, I reaffirmed my belief by questioning….I know I believe in Allah but why? And for me to answer why….is simple…I look at my hands, my feet, my eyes…I look at the everything around me and that is enough to reaffirm, I believe.

Hello Malaysia: Let go of ROUTINE...embrace CHAOS

I'm still here...still surviving this urban jungle. Still having that feeling of awe every time I feast my eyes on the Petronas Twin Towers. Still get that 'WOW!' feeling as I watch it light up defining the skyline of Kuala Lumpur. 

The main difference I have identified living in Malaysia compared to UK is the absence of routine. In the UK, life is ruled by routine. Things don't change much in UK apart from the seasons and weather. Every thing else tends to remain the same. Life is predictable. Every day is just the same. Even TV series tend to follow a schedule. Dr Who Christmas special will be followed by a new season. Saturday night is X-factor night. I can imagine our trip to UK, we won't be much surprised! Things will be more or less the same. In some ways that would be reassuring and a comfort. 

In Malaysia however, life is fast paced, unpredictable. One minute there is a park and the next there's a skyscraper. A highway can spring up behind your back garden before you can say 'Why?' Well...okay I'm exaggerating but it feels that way. You can't plan things too far ahead. There's always that impromptu weddings, birthdays, family gatherings and 'teh tarik sessions'. 

In the UK, my friends and I used to make plans to see one another a month ahead but in Malaysia, it is just a phone call away like BRING...BRING..."Hi Assalaamualaikum" 

Me: Wa Alaikum salaam

Friend: What you doing today?

Me: Not sure yet

Friend: I though we could go for coffee

Me: Okay. Sure

Hence, nothing's planned and I've learned to live that way...living day to day. Everyday is a surprise. Yes...life is full of surprises. 

Here's another example.

EMAIL: You are invited to a dinner tonight at blah blah...

Yup! work dinner 

Me sending sms to work collegue 

"Slms. Hi are you going to the dinner tonight?"

Reply: huh? What dinner?

Me: check email

Reply: Oh...are you going?

Me: Yup

Reply: OK

I used to get totally stressed out cause this is so UN-BRITISH, unplanned, un-routined like totally out of the blue and unexpected. Nowadays, I'm just chilled...so chilled. 

Kid: Mom! I've got extra school tomorrow (Sunday)

Me: Okay. What time?

Kid: I have to get there by 6.30am

Me: Okay. 

Yup...whatever. 

I have come to realize that there's nothing in this life that cannot be solved insyaAllah. Whatever comes our way, we will sort it out. Things change and we just need to adapt. No need to get stressed out about it. Worse comes to worse....can always move somewhere else although I love this place so much despite all of its craziness, unpredictability and messed up mentality. I love it here Alhamdulillah.